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When you’re in a committed relationship for years and years, it can seem completely impossible that it might someday end. But people change. Trust gets broken. Priorities shift. Folks fall out of love. And then you find yourself on the verge of breaking everything off.
Redditor u/Upstairs-Fox917 started a candid online discussion after asking the members of the r/AskWomen community to open up about why their long-term relationships came to an end. Their stories are raw and powerful, and they show you just how tough loving someone can be. Scroll down to read why these relationships fell apart.
Bored Panda reached out to the author of the thread, u/Upstairs-Fox917, who shared her thoughts on love, compatibility, and the importance of being very honest with ourselves about what we need from a relationship. You'll find our full interview with her as you read on. Be sure not to miss it!
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#1
I always felt lonely with him in my life. It was hard to leave because he's the father of my child. He was lazy, not motivated. I was making more money (not a big deal if other things were equal), pretty much single mom in a relationship, cleaned, cooked, took care of bills, etc. I was practically single taking care of a man child. He threatened me that if I ever left, he wouldn't bothered with our child anymore. At first I was worried for my child's sake, so I stayed a few more years, then I said nothing is worth this prison in my own home. So I left. He blocked me, hasn't reached out to his son. It's been 5+ years since we heard from him, but we are both thriving and living our best lives, and traveling the world together.
According to the author of the thread, it was nice to hear from so many different people and to hear their perspectives, even though she didn't expect her question to get so much attention. Redditor u/Upstairs-Fox917 opened up to Bored Panda that the inspiration behind her post was the fact that her own 5-year relationship was in the process of ending.
"At that point, I was struggling with how to know when the relationship is no longer worth salvaging, and was on a break with my partner. I honestly think it was that same day that I officially cut ties. I think it resonated with so many because people, especially women, have a tendency to keep trying to make things work. They know how good things can be, how good things were, and want to get back to that place," she shared with us.
However, the author noted that, at least in her experience, it's essential to be honest with yourself about what you're fighting for in the relationship. "It honestly wasn’t until I opened up to some friends about my relationship that I accepted it wasn’t all I made it out to be. I had a partner who rarely put effort into meeting my needs or making me feel loved and appreciated. And making the post, hearing from women who ended their long term relationships and realizing that life didn’t end, that they were still able to have other fulfilling relationships, helped me accept that I could end mine too."
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#2
I finally loved myself more than I loved him and stood up for myself.
#3
I wanted to get married. He kept dangling the carrot. I would meet a goalposts and he would set another one. 5 and a half years into it ... his parents came from China to visit. They didn't speak a bit of English and took over the house for a month. It was so stressful. Two months after they get back to China I get an email saying that I was not a good fit for their son and we were not allowed to continue our relationship and he would not be allowed to marry me and we should not waste any more time on each other. I collapse on the floor crying. He comes over and says he'll talk to them.
Weeks go by and he hasn't. I bring it up and he says he doesn't know what he's supposed to say. And we argue. Two month later he broke up with me. I had nothing and nowhere to go because we weren't married. 6 years together and I was 35...it was awful. I was so stupid to keep trying. If a man wants to marry you he will. That's all I learned.
Jokes on his parents tho. He's still single 6 years later.
SheamusFanFrom1987 5 months ago
As a fellow Chinese (but not from China, directly anyway), I can concur that the racial profiling is seriously sh*tty coming from us as well. Thank goodness most of us stopped after the pandemic hit and we were found guilty by association.
She continued: "A quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower comes to mind: 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' I think that sharing my experience and hearing from all of these other people allowed me to accept that I deserved more, as do they, and settling is not worth the sacrifice of missing out on a truly fulfilling love."
Bored Panda was interested in getting the author's thoughts about what makes for a truly great partner. In her opinion, you should aim to be with someone who has similar values and expectations, among other things.
"It’s also important to have someone who will listen and work with you, not against you, when you bring up your concerns. I’ve always believe that in a relationship, love is not enough; you need communication and effort and understanding. You can love someone but that doesn’t mean you’re compatible, and I think that being with someone who wants the same things and is willing to work with you to get them is what makes a relationship work long-term," u/Upstairs-Fox917 mused.
#4
I spent a month away and realized that life was better without him.
#5
Together almost 6 years. He started to get stressed out with finances and resented the fact that my career was taking off and I was getting attention. He got violent, sexually assaulted me a few times, and used to block me in my room so he could scream at me for hours. I made an exit plan and waited until he was out of town to leave.
#6
We had different aspirations. His only dreams were professional, he had no plans for us as a couple - he didn't want kids, didn't want to travel, to move, to build something the two of us. When I asked if he saw his future differently with me or without me, he said no.
So I realized that staying together would mean me having to sacrifice on things I didn't want to sacrifice on. So I left. I have no regrets.
DennyS (denzoren) 5 months ago
This is the right decision, there will always be regrets if you try to fit a mold for someone else.
"Feelings fade and it takes genuine effort to make a relationship work, and especially after a few years it’s very easy to become stagnant and let days pass keeping the same routine. Having someone wake up and choose you and show you what that means is vital."
Meanwhile, she shared her perspective on how someone can tell if they should break up with their partner if they feel like they're falling out of love. According to her, a lot truly depends on the particular person and the specific situation.
"For me, I talked to some close friends about it and asked myself a lot of questions: If he proposed today, would I say yes? Is the life I imagine with him one I want to live? Does having him in my space make me comfortable or tense? It was a lot of sitting with myself in discomfort, because it is really hard to admit that something you’ve put so much time and effort into isn’t working. It was also heartbreaking to end that relationship, and I mourned it. But once I started asking myself those questions I realized that I had not been happy in the relationship for months," u/Upstairs-Fox917 shared her experience with Bored Panda.
"My needs had not been met and I simply stopped asking for them to be because I thought that was normal. I think that if someone was in a similar situation as me, where they aren’t sure if they should keep working on the relationship or call it off, they need to sit with themselves. They need to be brutally honest. Maybe that comes through in journaling or in talking with friends, but they’re the only ones who can answer that question."
#7
He died due to a brain tumor. It's been 6 years but I still can't move on. He still occasionally visits me in my dreams and I'm thinking about him from time to time. I'm always thinking that it's much better if we separate ways like he cheats on me or we're not happy anymore and I will hear he has his own family. I am barely surviving and it sucks to be here, sometimes.
#8
He said I didn't ski as hard as the other girl he had been flirting with after he moved out to a new state a few months ahead of me. Luckily he broke it off before I moved. Looking back I realized he had kind of used me like a doll that had to be perfect at every sport, sexy and beautiful to crazy standards, and other weird expectations so that he could get validation from other men while he nit picked and belittled me at home over every little thing (told me I didn't take my socks off right at one point). I was devastated by the breakup, but looking back I am amazed that I ever gave someone that much power to make me feel small. I loved him immensely, but I never could have loved myself in that relationship and I'm proud of the ways I have grown since then.
clairebear 5 months ago
Classic abuser. Glad she got out before it escalated into the hitting stage.
#9
We just stopped to love each other. But we are still friends. I’m married now and he’s gonna get married soon too. We’ll even attend the wedding with my husband. He’s a great person and I’m thankful and happy for the time we had together.
The reasons behind relationships turning sour are going to be very personal. After all, nobody’s in the exact same situation as you and your partner. However, there are some general trends as to why relationships fail.
Verywell Mind points out that the main issue, at its very core, has to do with a loss of trust. “One of the foundational feelings necessary in a good relationship is a feeling of security. If you lack emotional support or find your partner unreliable, you might lose trust,” Barbara Field explains, adding that relationships that are built on mistrust aren’t likely to last long or be healthy.
#10
We moved in together after 4 years and he suddenly forgot how to do literally any chore. Even a 5 year old would have a better sense of responsibility. He was willing to do chores for his mom all the time but not for me. I tried to talk about it and find solutions for a year, then I happened to meet someone who made me realise I deserved better. So I left, and I don't have any regrets.
DennyS (denzoren) 5 months ago
I think he thought you were the replacement for his mom....good on you for moving on.
#11
He couldn’t establish boundaries with his mom thus I didn’t want to marry into his family.
#12
He cheated on me with the woman he spent years telling me I wouldn’t need to worry about. At first she lived 3k miles from us. She was was his ex but he referred to her as his best friend. They really were just friends I think for the first 6 years of us dating, but then she needed help moving out of her “abusive boyfriends” place, so he convinced me to move to Alaska and get a place with the 3 of us (which turned into 5 with her sister and another of her friends).
They ended up taking an extra bedroom of the house for their “office” and spent a lot of time behind a closed door and I gave them privacy because I trusted him. (Yeah I know I’m stupid. But she was a full time student and he worked from home and there wasn’t other space for their desks so it made sense to me).
A year later, he cheated on me with her while they were both on a trip to visit another friend together. I’m not positive anything physical happened before that trip but I think that he’d been thinking about it a lot by that point. I broke up with him but was still living in the house and could hear them giggling and having sex in her bedroom every night. I ended up staying with friends for 5 weeks until I could afford the deposit on a new place.
Probably worst experience I’ve ever had. I still get nightmares of hearing the person I thought loved me having sex with someone openly in the other room. Surreal trauma I’ve gotten from it.
Oh, and they’ve since split up and she’s now back with the “abusive ex” we moved here to save her from in the first place. So that’s great. 🙃.
Jay Scales 5 months ago
Very hurtful - but I'm glad you didn't waste a lifetime on this twerp.
Among the behaviors that are going to harm any romantic relationship, you’ll find lying, being overly possessive, jealousy, and cheating. What’s more, ideally, you want a partner who’s good at communicating with you on a variety of topics. The conversations you have can’t be just about work, chores, meal prep, and childcare.
Somewhat ironically, arguing might not be such a bad thing. Working through conflict, looking for common ground, and coming to a compromise are the cornerstones of any successful relationship. However, when couples say that they never argue, it might mean that they avoid conflict at all costs. That means that they’ll steer clear of discussing genuinely serious issues. That, in turn, can lead to a build-up of frustration.
#14
He didn’t want to change. He walked all over my boundaries. Refused to hang out with family. And never wanted to talk about issues with the relationship. I stayed too long with someone who didn’t want to work together on anything. And I finally ended it when I was questioning why I was even with him still.
Couples are also going to have a rough time if they don’t respect each other, have different life goals and priorities, and aren’t intimate enough with each other.
This doesn’t mean just emotional vulnerability (very vital!) but also physical intimacy. Sex is essential and helps improve a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Some people find it very hard to communicate about their sexual needs and wants, which leads to lots of tension and frustration.
#16
He cheated with me with a girl me met playing an online video game. That really opened my eyes to how he’d been treating me for years.
He wanted to get back together. I got a lawyer and we got divorced. I don’t see it as 8.5 years down the drain though - I learned a lot with him and a lot because of him. I’d never wish to go through that experience again though.
Lil Miss Hobbit 5 months ago
This is a great mindset. It was not a waste...but you can learn and grow and become a better and wiser person!
#17
We got in a usual argument about him not meeting some of my needs in feeling loved. At one point he said “why don’t you just date someone else? I feel like you’d be happier” it stuck with me for a few weeks & finally I said f**k it & broke up with him. He was shocked for some reason lol. Pleaded to get back together for the next year or so. I later found out that he had been cheating on me pretty much the whole relationship. I wasn’t perfect & I think I put a lot of pressure on him to fill a void in myself that’s ultimately my job. Some of the stuff that I found on his phone post breakup has scarred me for years after. Still trying to do the work to be what I need for myself & not be so dependent on others.
LaserBrain 5 months ago
If she's complaining that he's not meeting her needs, and he says what he did there, he's in no position to be shocked when she follows through. It's good this relationship ended.
#18
He postponed our wedding 3 weeks before the date. We were planning on rescheduling for a later date. We were starting IVF at the time after an infertility battle. The night before we were to start, I looked him in the eye and asked him: is this what you want? You’re sure? We’re in this together?
He looked me back, held my face in his hands, and said: “there’s no one else I’d rather do life with. Thank you for being so patient and for loving me. I’m all in.”
The next morning he woke up and told me he couldn’t do any of it, ever. Not the IVF, not a future wedding. Said he had been stringing me along because he knew I was the most loving person he’d ever met and because he knew how much I loved him.
Afterwards I realized that my engagement ring was a fake and he had actually bought a house 5 years into our 7 year relationship (he lived in my house).
That was one year ago today. It’s taken some time but I now I realize that the sack of s**t did me a huge favour.
The best part? He was a physician and I supported him through the most gruelling part of his training. So, smart doesn’t always equal good.
Anna Ekberg 5 months ago
Sounds like he used her the whole relationship through, better off alone.
However, nobody’s a mind-reader: if there’s something you think your relationship lacks, you need to have those (initially awkward) conversations with your partner.
You should feel comfortable enough to open up to them, just as they should be able to be frank with you. You’re supposed to be on the same team after all.
#19
I finally realized he was never going to change. Prior to that, I always believed him when he promised he would. Eventually I just had to give up.
#20
He was 28, cheated on me, and got her pregnant. She was 17...
#21
Never, EVER made me or us a priority, even though I moved states to be with him. Emotionally crippled due to family issues that he was not working on, so he couldn’t give anything to me. I just always felt bad around him. One day, after the millionth time of him ignoring me at a family hangout- around the people he truly prioritized over me- we came home and I simply said, I can’t do this anymore. He moved out within a few hours.
What is the longest relationship you’ve been in/are still in, dear Pandas? Have you ever broken up with someone that you’ve been dating for years and years? What do you think is the secret to a healthy long-term relationship? What do you do if you find that your needs aren't being met?
We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Scroll down to the comments to share your opinions and experiences.
#22
He was never going to be happy living in America and I was never going to be happy leaving.
#23
He became religious.
#24
I realized I was staying because I was comfortable, not because I was truly happy.
#25
I stopped loving him. It really was that simple.
DennyS (denzoren) 5 months ago (edited)
It really is scary that is can happen but it's fair. Just to clarify, I know there can be reasons, I just mean like, if it happens randomly.
#26
He was an abusive piece of s**t who hadn’t worked in over a year because he was faking a back injury. I was the sole breadwinner and he gave me zero freedoms and while also spending every second of the day spending my money and playing video games. He raped me in my sleep the entirety of our relationship and gaslit me any time I confronted him. I also discovered he was a pedophile. When I told him we were done he tried to get me evicted and then posted my nudes to the internet. I reached out to his family and they cussed me out and told me o deserved it.
Now he’s with a girl 6 years younger than him and working as a Masseuse probably doing the same disgusting, horrific s**t. Good f*****g riddance and I hope he rots in hell. And if he somehow reads this comment then f**k you, you’re a snake and I’m glad your mom died you absolutely worthless excuse for a human being. I just wish I had told her what a monster you were before she bit the dust.
#27
I finally got the courage to actually be alone, even though it wasn’t much of a difference since he wasn’t really there for me. Was very scary. He desperately needed to grow, and so did I.
#28
She didn't really love me, I was being abused and I didn't realize.
Patricia Smith 5 months ago
Men can be just as abused as women but tend to suffer silently a lot of the time.
#29
I realized he would never prioritize me ahead of his addiction.
#30
I fell out of love with him when I realised he no longer added any value to my life.
Much happier now ❤️.
What do you think ?
BatPhace 5 months ago
My husband and I were happy, bought a house, my kids (from previous relationship) loved him and called him dad. 5 years in, his mother passed very suddenly and all the things I loved about him (his kindness, his energy and motivation) disappeared. He shut down, physically and emotionally, wouldn't adult (lost his job and his spot in the school he was attending at the time because he just stopped going, no notification, no contact, nothing). I figured grief was a terrible thing, told him he needed help in handling it all. He refused. For years. And for years I got to watch the man I loved turn into someone else. We stayed together for another 3 years while I tried to figure out how to love the man he was becoming but he turned cruel and found far right conspiracy bs more interesting than our marriage. We're still family, I'd still give him a kidney if he needed one, but we couldn't stay married.
iBlank 5 months ago
so sorry this happened to you! I hope he changes his mind about therapy some day. It sounds like he internalized something very traumatic and it broke him. It sounds very similar to what happens with traumatic brain injury survivors, where they can essentially become a different person entirely.
Load More Replies...
devotedtodreams 5 months ago
In my case, he ghosted me after 1,5 years. Granted, I took his reasons and changed to be a better person, but I never quite trusted him again. But, I was 28 and it was my first-ever relationship, so I was scared of being single again, so I fought for us and we got together again. 2,5 years later, Dad died. A year later, he had a big-time fallout with my Mom (it wasn't the first time, but never near this nasty). I cannot have people disrespecting my Mom. And he never wanted to change/become a better person (with all that arrogance, there was plenty of room for improvement). Finally, I basically had to choose between my Mom and him. Needless to say, I chose her. I'm glad he's out of my life, though I might hold a grudge for a looooong time yet....
BatPhace 5 months ago
My husband and I were happy, bought a house, my kids (from previous relationship) loved him and called him dad. 5 years in, his mother passed very suddenly and all the things I loved about him (his kindness, his energy and motivation) disappeared. He shut down, physically and emotionally, wouldn't adult (lost his job and his spot in the school he was attending at the time because he just stopped going, no notification, no contact, nothing). I figured grief was a terrible thing, told him he needed help in handling it all. He refused. For years. And for years I got to watch the man I loved turn into someone else. We stayed together for another 3 years while I tried to figure out how to love the man he was becoming but he turned cruel and found far right conspiracy bs more interesting than our marriage. We're still family, I'd still give him a kidney if he needed one, but we couldn't stay married.
iBlank 5 months ago
so sorry this happened to you! I hope he changes his mind about therapy some day. It sounds like he internalized something very traumatic and it broke him. It sounds very similar to what happens with traumatic brain injury survivors, where they can essentially become a different person entirely.
Load More Replies... devotedtodreams 5 months ago
In my case, he ghosted me after 1,5 years. Granted, I took his reasons and changed to be a better person, but I never quite trusted him again. But, I was 28 and it was my first-ever relationship, so I was scared of being single again, so I fought for us and we got together again. 2,5 years later, Dad died. A year later, he had a big-time fallout with my Mom (it wasn't the first time, but never near this nasty). I cannot have people disrespecting my Mom. And he never wanted to change/become a better person (with all that arrogance, there was plenty of room for improvement). Finally, I basically had to choose between my Mom and him. Needless to say, I chose her. I'm glad he's out of my life, though I might hold a grudge for a looooong time yet....
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