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Practice makes perfect, right? Whether you're learning a new language, playing an instrument or gaining athletic abilities, experience is a plus. And dating is no exception.

Recently, one curious Reddit user asked women to share the “smaller relationship boundaries” they’ve learned to set over the years, so below, you’ll find some of their most thought-provoking responses. Keep reading to also find an interview with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the behaviors you refuse to tolerate from your partners as well.

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#1

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore When someone says “I was joking” after saying something cruel. And blaming me for “being sensitive.” Any cruelty masked as humour.

If they freak out when I set a perfectly healthy boundary. Red flag.

HSPsrule , Odonata Wellnesscenter Report

Final score:
223points
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#2

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore My boundaries are simple. No trumper no racists and homophobics. The end.

Traditional_Ad3233 , Benjamin Finley Report

Final score:
190points
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To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with us about why it's so important to know our boundaries when dating. "We all have to live within our capacity. So if you know you can’t cope with being talked to when you’ve just got in from work because it will stop you winding down, then there is no point in just putting up with it," she told Bored Panda. "If we get depleted, our relationship will suffer. Or if your partner or new date has children and you don’t, you will need to carefully manage your capacity to care for others and for yourself."

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"We must also protect our sense of autonomy when we are dating, so we continue to feel empowered," Rachel continued. "Set nights and times for dates and for messaging in between dates are better for our mental health than it being unboundaried, which creates uncertainty."
#3

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Please do not make me make all of the decisions.

I don't know what I want to eat. I don't care what we watch. Can you please make these decisions 50% of time?

I make decisions all day at work and I just....can't all the time at home.

Elaine_Benes_Lovr , Jack Sparrow Report

Final score:
178points
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#4

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I have pets and you have not just tolerate them but also enjoy them. If you can’t stand my dog cuddling you or the tortoise begging for a banana then nope.

IgorEatsJellybeans , Andres Ayrton Report

Final score:
164points
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We also asked Rachel about the best ways to learn these boundaries we need to set when dating. "It’s good to keep a record and reflect on past relationships and dates, so we know what tips us over the edge," she shared. "But in a new relationship, new challenges may just come up that we can’t predict as they can be very specific! So then we should take some time to think about whether it was the 'last straw' when we were already dealing with lots of other things or whether it is going to affect us every time."

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"We can also think about what the challenge represents," Rachel added. "An example might be when your partner tells you 'You’ll be fine' when you are feeling under the weather and don’t want to go out. They might be trying to be supportive by using positive and optimistic language, but you might hear it as dismissive and that they don’t really understand how awful you feel."
#5

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore someone who runs tests on me to see where i stand in the relationship instead of communicating (ex. not talking to me all day to see if ill notice or reach out)

Living-Ad6799 , LoboStudio Hamburg Report

Final score:
150points
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#6

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore If you get a chance to say your opinion without me speaking, then I do too.

That means I get to speak without you talking over me, changing the subject, or not paying attention.

Vana21 , Ricky Esquivel Report

Final score:
140points
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When it comes to how we should approach these boundaries with a new partner, Rachel says, "It can be difficult to judge whether to try and get used to a challenging behavior in a new partner, because sometimes it’s just that we don’t like change or it triggers a memory of someone else behaving like that or it isn’t a familiar way of behaving. For example, in some cultures it’s considered rude to say thank you to your family for cooking you a meal, but in others it’s rude NOT to! So you might react to this as an unfamiliar behavior that represents rudeness, but once you get used to it, you won’t get triggered." 

"Often our boundaries involve differences in habits that come from our upbringing, such as cleaning and tidying habits, communication habits, organizing habits and so on," Rachel noted. "So don’t assume yours is the only or the best way. Discuss your different approaches with the aim of understanding your partner better."
#7

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I can't be the only person willing to make effort like always going to see them or always doing all the planning.

CatrionaShadowleaf , Ketut Subiyanto Report

Final score:
136points
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#8

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore This is definitely a small boundary, but really insidious: when my opinions/likes/recommendations, basically any bid for sharing an interest, are ignored. But when one of their male friends share the exact same opinion/likes/recommendations, it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time and they suddenly are interested.

Example—
Ex-BF: Oh hey, my friend Sam just introduced me to this awesome band, check them out!
Me: I literally have been listening to this band on our car rides and talking about them to you for months.

This happened time and time again with shows I wanted to watch, music I’d been listening to, or books I’d been reading. It’s like I became an accessory whereas his friendships became his true source of meaningful connection.

comebackasatree , charlesdeluvio Report

Final score:
134points
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Rachel also shared some tips for how to convey these boundaries effectively to our partners. "It’s a good idea to use exploratory language such as 'When you do/say this, I feel …' and 'I’ve been thinking about my reaction to you doing/saying … and I wonder if it’s because … What do you think?' You can also say 'In this situation, I have these needs. What are your needs in this situation? I want to find a way to balance both of our sets of needs. Do you have any ideas?'"

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"Often people go straight for 'You’re lazy' or 'You hurt me' or something else that is critical or accusatory because they have let their emotions build up," Rachel explained. "Take some time to mindfully consider your reactions – including thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations – and where they might originate. Ask yourself when else you have felt like this."
#9

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I don't want to be the only person planning dates. I want you to *want* to do things with me, even if they're not my cup of tea - you enjoying them and wanting me to be there is enough to make it my cup of tea.

ILoveYourPuppies , René Ranisch Report

Final score:
118points
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#10

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Lies, even about small things, are a hard no from me.

I know so many people who think it's no big deal if someone lies about their age, height, job, etc. on a dating app. But I realized it's a big deal to me.

Stan_of_Cleeves , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:
117points
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Finally, Rachel recommends we remember to give our partners the benefit of the doubt. "It’s best to assume your partner has a very good reason for behaving as they did, rather than assuming they are out to annoy or hurt you! Your aim is then to find out what they were thinking or why they behaved as they did."

If you'd like to gain more advice on your love life from the relationships and dating expert, be sure to visit Rachel New's website right here!
#11

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Please respect my TV and movie tastes. Don't have to like the same shows/genres, but if I am watching something and you don't like it or aren't into it, maybe stfu? Do something else? 🤔

m4maggie , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:
112points
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#12

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Travel and vacation compatibility. I don't want to take cruises or sit on a beach, getting drunk and sunburned. And someone who does want to take vacations like that would probably find me an insufferable travel partner in return.

VanthGuide , kilarov zaneit Report

Final score:
103points
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#13

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Silent treatment. I get needing a little bit of time and space to process, but when a reaction to a disagreement is the full on silent treatment instead of mature communication, that’s a nope for me.

SnooPears3006 , Timur Weber Report

Final score:
102points
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#14

Please put your phone down and enjoy this present moment with me.

Densityroa Report

Final score:
98points
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#15

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore As much as we rib each other in private, we never do so in public. Also, if someone makes fun at either one of us, the other one doesn't participate in the roasting nor the laughing.

We learned this the hard way.

aubor , Alena Darmel Report

Final score:
97points
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#16

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I do not like when people mock me when I make mistakes or drop things. I have had a lot of abusive relationships in the past, and my parents were really verbally abusive.

Time-Box128 , Dziana Hasanbekava Report

Final score:
97points
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#17

Dismissal of feelings. You don't care how I feel? You therefore can't care about me. It plants the seed of doubt.

whiskey__throwaway Report

Final score:
90points
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#18

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Please don't talk to me for 15 minutes after I wake up, and please don't ask me questions for 30 minutes.

My brain is still smooth and hasn't gone online yet.

spagyrum , Laura Chouette Report

Final score:
89points
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#19

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore This applies for both friendships and romantic relationships for me, sometimes even family:

I consider it a red flag, or an orange flag when I see that people are into gossip.

Gossiping is normal, but when I notice that this person has nothing else to offer but gossip- to the point where almost 70-80% of the conversation revolves around gossiping I'll be wary of the person.

It's an ick. Especially when the things they talk about could be considered malicious or slanderous about the person/subject.

It immediately gives off a vibe that the person I'm talking to isn't someone safe.

GetMauled6969 , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:
83points
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#20

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore No looking in each other's phones. I don't have his password; he doesn't have mine. Why? Because our friends haven't given each of us permission to read their conversations with the other.

insertcaffeine , Klaus Nielsen Report

Final score:
80points
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#21

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Don’t pick on me. Even if its just minor joking around. I was traumatized by constant picking and bullying by an older brother growing up and i cant handle much light hearted picking/joking nowadays. I will explode

OuterRim_SpacePirate , Toa Heftiba Report

Final score:
79points
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#22

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Criticizing how I do things. You’re not my parent, my teacher, or my boss. I don’t give a f**k if your way is more efficient or effective. If I need help or advice, I will ask for it. All you’re doing is stealing my joy in the moment to make yourself feel good.

Calamity-Gin , Jason Briscoe Report

Final score:
75points
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#23

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I always get downvotes for this one even though it’s a perfectly valid boundary to have, but I no longer date/sleep with people who have a problem with period sex!

It’s fine that some people don’t like it. Completely understandable, actually. Those people are just not compatible with me, though, and that’s fine.

celestialism , Karolina Grabowska Report

Final score:
73points
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#24

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Not dismissing my feelings. My SO used to say things like you can choose not to be upset. I told him how much of an a*****e mindset that is. He never used that line again.

Also not messing with my food. My SO used to add sauces and spices to my food without asking me. Sometimes I would say no while he is already pouring and all he would say is "oops already added". I couldn't take it anymore and one time I pushed his hand away while he's pouring sauce over my food, made him spill it and he was slightly annoyed but I just wouldn't back down. I didn't apologise for pushing his hand and I firmly said "I. Said. I. Don't. Want. Sauce" he finally got it and now he asks before adding anything to my food

bluebuns123 , RODNAE Productions Report

Final score:
73points
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#25

Don’t say you’re gonna do something if you’re not going to.

BerenTheBold Report

Final score:
72points
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#26

Don’t annoy me for fun, or because you get a rise out of my reaction. It’s not funny and cute anymore after 9+ years. My STBX does this all the time, he’s like a dog after a bone once I let on that something annoys me. An ongoing one that we’ve had since the beginning is that he deliberately puts empty sauce bottles back in the fridge (eg. tomato/bbq/mustard). Like we’ll use the last of a bottle during a meal, but he sneakily puts it in (as well as the newly opened one). He knows it annoys the absolute s**t out of me but still does it, even though most of the time I just don’t react anymore. I think it gives him satisfaction now, knowing that it annoys me. And it has eroded away my feelings for him.

Tygie19 Report

Final score:
70points
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#27

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore We need our own chip bowls. No sharing because he ham fists all of the damn chips before I can even get a third one.

cup_1337 , Emiliano Vittoriosi Report

Final score:
66points
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#28

I refuse to do all the planning. If you can’t plan a date, make the decision on dinner, or be bothered to sort out any f*****g plans? I’m out. I have no desire to date a lazy, uninterested person.

Kookie_Kay Report

Final score:
66points
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#29

I care. Just because it isn't important to you, doesn't mean that it isn't important to me (or vise versa).

The boundaries come after that understanding, both by me and by the other person. If the other person is doing things either on purpose or accident that you've explained are annoying it hurtful, then it's either because they want to hurt you, or because they care so little about what you're telling them that they don't remember/care what you said it how you feel. Neither option is acceptable.

I'm not saying that mistakes won't slip through, but there is a huge difference between "whoops, let me fix it and I'll try to remember for next time" and "it's such a little thing. Like why do you even care? You're so dramatic. No, you never told me you don't like that"

k_alva Report

Final score:
58points
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#30

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I won’t be shamed for what I need to do to maintain my best self, including mental health medication. Along those lines, no one has the right to ask if I’ve taken said medication. Feelings aren’t symptoms.

HippieProf , Dmitry Schemelev Report

Final score:
51points
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#31

They have to be respectful at night- not turn a bunch of overhead lights on when I already have my moodier lights going before bed or when I’m trying to sleep, or make a ton of noise getting ready for the gym at 4am, or cook smelly food while I’m trying to sleep.

They have to stay out of the camera (or better yet the room) when I’m on a work zoom call.

They have to speak kindly and respectfully about groups of people that are different from them.

Houseofrad Report

Final score:
18points
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#32

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Thoughtful gifts. I don’t mean expensive materialistic things. Just things/experiences you remember me mentioning or being into. Can be from the dollar tree I don’t care about price. But I put so much thought into what I gift people and genuinely try to only gift things I know are special, not just a watch or a pair of shoes. My ex of 3 years bought me concert tickets to HIS favorite band for my Christmas present one year. And included an extra ticket for his brother to come along too. I didn’t know more than 3 songs by this artist and definitely wasn’t a fan. I was so bummed out and tried not to make it seem like a materialistic thing, but my feelings were genuinely hurt that after dating for 3 years he couldn’t think of something special that I’D enjoy. I stuffed my hurt feelings down for a while and of course it came out during an argument months down the line. He was genuinely confused as to why it bothered me and said he thought it would be a fun experience for us to do together. We broke up like 4 months later due to selfish tendencies (go figure) and I moved out.

groovinandmovinnn , freestocks Report

Final score:
14points
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#33

A weird one but I cannot stand when my husband (used to, I’ve told him I hate it and he’s stopped), tell me what time it was when I was getting ready. Every five minutes “it’s half past, you’ve got 10 minutes left” or whatever. I can manage my own time, I’m a fully functioning adult with a job. My mom also used to do it when I was younger.

GeorgieH26 Report

Final score:
14points
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#34

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Shutting the damn bathroom door when using the bathroom and staying out when I’m using it.

If my partner is hurt or sick then absolutely- I’ll be there in whatever condition. But just peeing with the door open and stuff normally? Can’t do it.

golden_ember , Wesley Pacífico Report

Final score:
11points
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#35

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I’m realizing post baby that I’m really sensitive to other peoples’ moods. I get into Fix It mode then get burned out and exhausted and annoyed that none of my efforts Fixed It (which is fair - despite my best intentions I’m not FIXING what’s wrong exactly)

Anyway. I need to distance myself from my partners feelings and problems. I’m still working on it. I want to find a place where I can listen empathetically and offer support in any way he needs/wants without feeling like I must fix it and/or soaking his bad mood in and making it MY bad mood.

Being a kid from a troubled household’s tough. I didn’t realize til I had a kid and our stress levels skyrocketed that I was carrying this baggage around.

Head_Lifeguard3999 , Felipe Cespedes Report

Final score:
11points
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#36

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I need a lot of space and independence. I have an unconventional relationship that allows this to work.

Odd_Pop4320 , Kasuma Report

Final score:
11points
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#37

When you mentioned that you want something the way it is and they still do the exact opposite over and over and over… you just wonder if they actually forget it time and time again or just simply doing it on purpose

Ok-Bug4885 Report

Final score:
11points
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#38

I am clean, but I am not a neat person and it doesn't add value to my life to stress myself out making my home look like a museum. My husband is neater than me so I keep things at a baseline level but since he cares more about things being pristine than I do, he cleans and organizes more.

goldandjade Report

Final score:
11points
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#39

He has to be ok I don’t shave

Celebrations compatibility - I’m not someone who wants a giant surprise birthday party or who wants to plan one for other people. Nor do I have a meltdown if there’s no Christmas tree.

Silent treatment

Weaponized incompetence

Party boy (super extrovert), heavy drinker / staying in bed until noon on a regular basis

Has people over at my/our place a lot

Other good ones I’ve seen while scrolling this thread are vacation compatibility and he has to respect whatever TV shows/books I enjoy even if he doesn’t have to like them/watch them with me

tawny-she-wolf Report

Final score:
10points
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#40

Blatantly checking out other women in front of me. I get that people are beautiful and aesthetically pleasing, but if you’re just staring at a fast food workers a*s while we’re at the payment window, it’s gonna take me out of the moment and ruin my mood a little bit.

slimemouse Report

Final score:
9points
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#41

Being ignored for games, social media, texting conversations. I understand if it's about their kids, but that's the ONLY exception for me.

askallthequestions86 Report

Final score:
8points
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#42

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore Texting all day. I hate feeling obligated to reply all day, especially since I have a 9-5 job. Say good morning, talk about relevant things when they come up. But don’t send me memes and random pictures allllll day

Ok-Cobbler-8387 , Porapak Apichodilok Report

Final score:
7points
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#43

I do not acknowledge what happens in bathrooms. Pee is okay, but I don't do other stuff in there. Please go along with this. Do not try and catch me on the toilet, or try and tell me how it's important to be comfortable. This is a thing that should never be discussed, ever.

Kooky_Recognition_34 Report

Final score:
6points
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#44

“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore I refuse to be in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t readily agree to get a vasectomy once we decide we’re done having kids.

Order_66x , RODNAE Productions Report

Final score:
5points
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