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“Cruelty Masked As Humor”: 30 Women Call Out The Small Things They Won’t Tolerate In Relationships Anymore
Practice makes perfect, right? Whether you're learning a new language, playing an instrument or gaining athletic abilities, experience is a plus. And dating is no exception.
Recently, one curious Reddit user asked women to share the “smaller relationship boundaries” they’ve learned to set over the years, so below, you’ll find some of their most thought-provoking responses. Keep reading to also find an interview with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the behaviors you refuse to tolerate from your partners as well.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
When someone says “I was joking” after saying something cruel. And blaming me for “being sensitive.” Any cruelty masked as humour.
If they freak out when I set a perfectly healthy boundary. Red flag.
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#2
My boundaries are simple. No trumper no racists and homophobics. The end.
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with us about why it's so important to know our boundaries when dating. "We all have to live within our capacity. So if you know you can’t cope with being talked to when you’ve just got in from work because it will stop you winding down, then there is no point in just putting up with it," she told Bored Panda. "If we get depleted, our relationship will suffer. Or if your partner or new date has children and you don’t, you will need to carefully manage your capacity to care for others and for yourself."
"We must also protect our sense of autonomy when we are dating, so we continue to feel empowered," Rachel continued. "Set nights and times for dates and for messaging in between dates are better for our mental health than it being unboundaried, which creates uncertainty."
#3
Please do not make me make all of the decisions.
I don't know what I want to eat. I don't care what we watch. Can you please make these decisions 50% of time?
I make decisions all day at work and I just....can't all the time at home.
Ines Olabarria-Smith 1 year ago
If I say “whatever” I mean it. Don’t worry, I won’t complain later.
#4
I have pets and you have not just tolerate them but also enjoy them. If you can’t stand my dog cuddling you or the tortoise begging for a banana then nope.
Jana Spreemann 1 year ago
First time my boyfriend came to my place, He spent all evening bonding with my cat. They are Best buds now.
We also asked Rachel about the best ways to learn these boundaries we need to set when dating. "It’s good to keep a record and reflect on past relationships and dates, so we know what tips us over the edge," she shared. "But in a new relationship, new challenges may just come up that we can’t predict as they can be very specific! So then we should take some time to think about whether it was the 'last straw' when we were already dealing with lots of other things or whether it is going to affect us every time."
"We can also think about what the challenge represents," Rachel added. "An example might be when your partner tells you 'You’ll be fine' when you are feeling under the weather and don’t want to go out. They might be trying to be supportive by using positive and optimistic language, but you might hear it as dismissive and that they don’t really understand how awful you feel."
#5
someone who runs tests on me to see where i stand in the relationship instead of communicating (ex. not talking to me all day to see if ill notice or reach out)
#6
If you get a chance to say your opinion without me speaking, then I do too.
That means I get to speak without you talking over me, changing the subject, or not paying attention.
Jennifer_Crowley_Luci 1 year ago (edited)
One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is being talked over... If you don't care to hear what I'm saying, why should I care about what's coming out of your face hole?
When it comes to how we should approach these boundaries with a new partner, Rachel says, "It can be difficult to judge whether to try and get used to a challenging behavior in a new partner, because sometimes it’s just that we don’t like change or it triggers a memory of someone else behaving like that or it isn’t a familiar way of behaving. For example, in some cultures it’s considered rude to say thank you to your family for cooking you a meal, but in others it’s rude NOT to! So you might react to this as an unfamiliar behavior that represents rudeness, but once you get used to it, you won’t get triggered."
"Often our boundaries involve differences in habits that come from our upbringing, such as cleaning and tidying habits, communication habits, organizing habits and so on," Rachel noted. "So don’t assume yours is the only or the best way. Discuss your different approaches with the aim of understanding your partner better."
#7
I can't be the only person willing to make effort like always going to see them or always doing all the planning.
D. Pitbull 1 year ago
Yeah.. learned this one right quick... "hey, look, we're dating, right? Yet.. it reeeally feels like you just don't care enough to be around me... you're really apathetic about even talking to me..." - find out a few weeks later, hey, that was EXACTLY it! Possibly the most useless human I'd ever met...
#8
This is definitely a small boundary, but really insidious: when my opinions/likes/recommendations, basically any bid for sharing an interest, are ignored. But when one of their male friends share the exact same opinion/likes/recommendations, it’s like he’s hearing it for the first time and they suddenly are interested.
Example—
Ex-BF: Oh hey, my friend Sam just introduced me to this awesome band, check them out!
Me: I literally have been listening to this band on our car rides and talking about them to you for months.
This happened time and time again with shows I wanted to watch, music I’d been listening to, or books I’d been reading. It’s like I became an accessory whereas his friendships became his true source of meaningful connection.
Rachel also shared some tips for how to convey these boundaries effectively to our partners. "It’s a good idea to use exploratory language such as 'When you do/say this, I feel …' and 'I’ve been thinking about my reaction to you doing/saying … and I wonder if it’s because … What do you think?' You can also say 'In this situation, I have these needs. What are your needs in this situation? I want to find a way to balance both of our sets of needs. Do you have any ideas?'"
"Often people go straight for 'You’re lazy' or 'You hurt me' or something else that is critical or accusatory because they have let their emotions build up," Rachel explained. "Take some time to mindfully consider your reactions – including thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations – and where they might originate. Ask yourself when else you have felt like this."
#9
I don't want to be the only person planning dates. I want you to *want* to do things with me, even if they're not my cup of tea - you enjoying them and wanting me to be there is enough to make it my cup of tea.
#10
Lies, even about small things, are a hard no from me.
I know so many people who think it's no big deal if someone lies about their age, height, job, etc. on a dating app. But I realized it's a big deal to me.
D. Pitbull 1 year ago
I get this. I mean purposeful they-know-they-are-lying kind of lies. Cheaters too... by being best bros/bffs/in any close relationship-of-choice with someone who frequently and openly does these things, you're telling everyone "Hey, I totally approve of this behaviour. I'm cool with it". So you're all too willing to date that person who you know is cheating (and no, they're not separated, they're not even discussing separation)... and what exactly makes you believe they're going to be faithful to you?
Finally, Rachel recommends we remember to give our partners the benefit of the doubt. "It’s best to assume your partner has a very good reason for behaving as they did, rather than assuming they are out to annoy or hurt you! Your aim is then to find out what they were thinking or why they behaved as they did."
If you'd like to gain more advice on your love life from the relationships and dating expert, be sure to visit Rachel New's website right here!
#11
Please respect my TV and movie tastes. Don't have to like the same shows/genres, but if I am watching something and you don't like it or aren't into it, maybe stfu? Do something else? 🤔
#12
Travel and vacation compatibility. I don't want to take cruises or sit on a beach, getting drunk and sunburned. And someone who does want to take vacations like that would probably find me an insufferable travel partner in return.
Fabian Bernard 1 year ago
Had this in my twenties. My student girlfriend. Like, ''No, we won't wake up at 10 , we have to go visiting this and that, must see this etc'' during a trip in Turkey I paid for. Told her as I was the one working 6 days a week and providing the money home so she can study with a peaceful mind ( no issue for me) , I needed rest and a good break.I'm OK with equity on the activities, but damn, I won't wake up earlier than when I work just to visit a few sites packed with tourists ! Ended up dumped a few months after her graduation, with the words : " What's your project ? Being a flowerist while I have a PHD?" Love makes you blind sometimes
#13
Silent treatment. I get needing a little bit of time and space to process, but when a reaction to a disagreement is the full on silent treatment instead of mature communication, that’s a nope for me.
#14
Please put your phone down and enjoy this present moment with me.
#15
As much as we rib each other in private, we never do so in public. Also, if someone makes fun at either one of us, the other one doesn't participate in the roasting nor the laughing.
We learned this the hard way.
Charley128 1 year ago
No one puts down my GF, not unless they want a torrent of biting sarcasm.
#16
I do not like when people mock me when I make mistakes or drop things. I have had a lot of abusive relationships in the past, and my parents were really verbally abusive.
Summer Woodsong 1 year ago
Actually, no one needs to be treated this way. It's not funny, informative or educational.
#17
Dismissal of feelings. You don't care how I feel? You therefore can't care about me. It plants the seed of doubt.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
yep If I raise an issue don't just pretend I'm being unreasoable. Men are told to speak up about feelings. But when we do, we get told we're ranting/being unreasonable. Fine? I will then just keep quiet and let the resentment build as per the stereotype.
#18
Please don't talk to me for 15 minutes after I wake up, and please don't ask me questions for 30 minutes.
My brain is still smooth and hasn't gone online yet.
#19
This applies for both friendships and romantic relationships for me, sometimes even family:
I consider it a red flag, or an orange flag when I see that people are into gossip.
Gossiping is normal, but when I notice that this person has nothing else to offer but gossip- to the point where almost 70-80% of the conversation revolves around gossiping I'll be wary of the person.
It's an ick. Especially when the things they talk about could be considered malicious or slanderous about the person/subject.
It immediately gives off a vibe that the person I'm talking to isn't someone safe.
#20
No looking in each other's phones. I don't have his password; he doesn't have mine. Why? Because our friends haven't given each of us permission to read their conversations with the other.
Mia Black 1 year ago
I have told it friends and others, that I live and share my life and all impact of live with my partner as he does with me so if they want something to be private they have to address this extra. Open communication is the key. All friends thought it was not necessary to explain this but I once met a person who was not happy that I talk with my SO about stuff that is going on in my head. Stuff that is of course about friends too. It helps to evaluate things and sometimes to give friends with problems a better advice or we create together an idea to cheer friends up ...
#21
Don’t pick on me. Even if its just minor joking around. I was traumatized by constant picking and bullying by an older brother growing up and i cant handle much light hearted picking/joking nowadays. I will explode
Saint Thomas 1 year ago (edited)
That's actually pretty sad :-/ Because joking around is not a bad thing as such. It's even pretty healthy, I think, and a nice aspect in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I understand that the OP has a trauma linked to that. But they would maybe benefit from working on it with some professional help, because it seems that it makes their life a bit miserable.
#22
Criticizing how I do things. You’re not my parent, my teacher, or my boss. I don’t give a f**k if your way is more efficient or effective. If I need help or advice, I will ask for it. All you’re doing is stealing my joy in the moment to make yourself feel good.
Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
I appreciate if someone teaches me a better or more efficient way to do things. Not a biggie for me if it comes from a good place.
#23
I always get downvotes for this one even though it’s a perfectly valid boundary to have, but I no longer date/sleep with people who have a problem with period sex!
It’s fine that some people don’t like it. Completely understandable, actually. Those people are just not compatible with me, though, and that’s fine.
#24
Not dismissing my feelings. My SO used to say things like you can choose not to be upset. I told him how much of an a*****e mindset that is. He never used that line again.
Also not messing with my food. My SO used to add sauces and spices to my food without asking me. Sometimes I would say no while he is already pouring and all he would say is "oops already added". I couldn't take it anymore and one time I pushed his hand away while he's pouring sauce over my food, made him spill it and he was slightly annoyed but I just wouldn't back down. I didn't apologise for pushing his hand and I firmly said "I. Said. I. Don't. Want. Sauce" he finally got it and now he asks before adding anything to my food
Linda 1 year ago
Toxic positivity. I f'n hate that c**p. I'm still dealing with having my feelings invalidated as a teenager and I'm in my freaking fifties. Seems I didn't have a right to be angry about my dad dying and the stepfather replacement being a drunk that beat on us. Kids are resilient, right? They're supposed to just get over that sh*t and not trouble adults with their feelings.
#25
Don’t say you’re gonna do something if you’re not going to.
Marilyn Russell 1 year ago
Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Learned that from some wise older person when I was a kid. Along with The Golden Rule.
#26
Don’t annoy me for fun, or because you get a rise out of my reaction. It’s not funny and cute anymore after 9+ years. My STBX does this all the time, he’s like a dog after a bone once I let on that something annoys me. An ongoing one that we’ve had since the beginning is that he deliberately puts empty sauce bottles back in the fridge (eg. tomato/bbq/mustard). Like we’ll use the last of a bottle during a meal, but he sneakily puts it in (as well as the newly opened one). He knows it annoys the absolute s**t out of me but still does it, even though most of the time I just don’t react anymore. I think it gives him satisfaction now, knowing that it annoys me. And it has eroded away my feelings for him.
Olivia Dean 1 year ago
I totally understand that he is probably expressing his internal naughty boy.. but in my experience, when I've had enough in similar circumstances and said pretty much what you have - ie every time you do this I like you less and less and I'm starting to despise you etc.. the shock and horror on their face is starling. Like, I genuinely don't think many men truly listen when we say "please stop doing it, I really don't like it/ find it funny". I think they interact with us like they do their mates - it becomes quite toxic cos we want an equal, not a boy child
#27
We need our own chip bowls. No sharing because he ham fists all of the damn chips before I can even get a third one.
#28
I refuse to do all the planning. If you can’t plan a date, make the decision on dinner, or be bothered to sort out any f*****g plans? I’m out. I have no desire to date a lazy, uninterested person.
#29
I care. Just because it isn't important to you, doesn't mean that it isn't important to me (or vise versa).
The boundaries come after that understanding, both by me and by the other person. If the other person is doing things either on purpose or accident that you've explained are annoying it hurtful, then it's either because they want to hurt you, or because they care so little about what you're telling them that they don't remember/care what you said it how you feel. Neither option is acceptable.
I'm not saying that mistakes won't slip through, but there is a huge difference between "whoops, let me fix it and I'll try to remember for next time" and "it's such a little thing. Like why do you even care? You're so dramatic. No, you never told me you don't like that"
#30
I won’t be shamed for what I need to do to maintain my best self, including mental health medication. Along those lines, no one has the right to ask if I’ve taken said medication. Feelings aren’t symptoms.
What do you think ?
TheDag 1 year ago
I'm gonna put this out there but why the focus on women vs things they hate in men? 90% of the examples given are applicable to both genders and should be promoted for both genders in the idea of promoting healthy relationships. I still don't understand why bored panda "journalists" seem to have this massive push to generally make men feel bad for being them. I used to love coming to bored panda for the insightful articles about cool stuff like art or places i haven't seen and now every time I come to this site I leave feeling just a little worse about myself
pelemele 1 year ago
The problem is that for some time, BP has been trying to make clickbait articles by trying to create oppositions of A vs B most often completely artificial or even totally false as for this article which can apply to both women and men.
Load More Replies...
Stardust she/her 1 year ago
I would find it very hard to date someone when they tell me to shut up. It hurts me a lot and I feel depressed for the rest of the day for some reason. I prefer it if any partner of mine would gently remind me of how loud/talkative I am and ask me to stop talking for a while. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t communicate properly and expects me to do all the guessing .
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
if you are aware you're loud and talkative have you thought about mitigations? I am not loud at all but defo talk too much. I try not to.
Load More Replies...
Kristal 1 year ago
Okay so this is a super recent thing for me. One, cause I've only been single recently and two, cause I just started the program. I'm in a PhD program and when I tell guys that are interested in me that I'm in a PhD program, it's a red flag/turn off when they reply "oh, I just do [insert job]". Like, my dude, you don't JUST do anything, you work for an income in an impossible economy, be proud! I find these are the guys intimidated by me. When I make friends, they don't compare at all, they state what they do, they don't belittle their livelihood. So I know it's just guys that are insecure. It's really quite frustrating how many people put themselves down, like, you're financially secure! My finances depend upon writing grant proposals, being enrolled at school (currently), and having to find temporary work that works with a research schedule. Like, man, appreciate your consistency! Lol okay .. it's mostly just a red flag for insecurity and after my ex, I'm done with that
TheDag 1 year ago
I'm gonna put this out there but why the focus on women vs things they hate in men? 90% of the examples given are applicable to both genders and should be promoted for both genders in the idea of promoting healthy relationships. I still don't understand why bored panda "journalists" seem to have this massive push to generally make men feel bad for being them. I used to love coming to bored panda for the insightful articles about cool stuff like art or places i haven't seen and now every time I come to this site I leave feeling just a little worse about myself
pelemele 1 year ago
The problem is that for some time, BP has been trying to make clickbait articles by trying to create oppositions of A vs B most often completely artificial or even totally false as for this article which can apply to both women and men.
Load More Replies... Stardust she/her 1 year ago
I would find it very hard to date someone when they tell me to shut up. It hurts me a lot and I feel depressed for the rest of the day for some reason. I prefer it if any partner of mine would gently remind me of how loud/talkative I am and ask me to stop talking for a while. I also can’t date someone who doesn’t communicate properly and expects me to do all the guessing .
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
if you are aware you're loud and talkative have you thought about mitigations? I am not loud at all but defo talk too much. I try not to.
Load More Replies... Kristal 1 year ago
Okay so this is a super recent thing for me. One, cause I've only been single recently and two, cause I just started the program. I'm in a PhD program and when I tell guys that are interested in me that I'm in a PhD program, it's a red flag/turn off when they reply "oh, I just do [insert job]". Like, my dude, you don't JUST do anything, you work for an income in an impossible economy, be proud! I find these are the guys intimidated by me. When I make friends, they don't compare at all, they state what they do, they don't belittle their livelihood. So I know it's just guys that are insecure. It's really quite frustrating how many people put themselves down, like, you're financially secure! My finances depend upon writing grant proposals, being enrolled at school (currently), and having to find temporary work that works with a research schedule. Like, man, appreciate your consistency! Lol okay .. it's mostly just a red flag for insecurity and after my ex, I'm done with that
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