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30 Women Share The Worst Weaponized Incompetence Examples They’ve Seen In Real Life
In a relationship, both parties should be able to rely on each other, but, unfortunately, that’s not at all how things turn out. A woman shared her experience with a husband who could not manage a bowl of mac and cheese, which sparked a debate on “weaponized incompetence.”
So we’ve gathered other women’s stories and frustrations with partners who decided to act like they could not do the most basic of tasks. Make sure to upvote your favorites as you scroll through and share your own thoughts and experiences with weaponized incompetence in the comments section below. 
Image credits: Latitude32
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#1
My ex always used the “but you’re better at it” excuse. Even the day after my appendectomy, and almost immediately after I had both of our children. When my now-husband first moved in with me and my boys I kept being surprised at the clothes that magically washed and folded themselves, and at how less often I had to drop whatever I was doing to attend to my 3-yr old’s random needs and demands. It’s amazing getting to live with another fully functioning adult who just does the s**t that needs done.
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#2
I used to tell my boys - there’s only one difference between you and your sisters, and you don’t use that to hold a vacuum cleaner.
#3
When our eldest was still an infant, my husband and I were arguing because I was pissed that he didn’t do any of their care without being asked. When things were really whipped up and heated, he had the nerve to say, “but you’re so much better at it!” So I screamed, “THEN GET GOOD! Jesus Christ, you think I instinctively knew any of this s**t, or enjoy changing dirty diapers? Man the F**K UP!” Most of his weaponized incompetence pretty much stopped that day.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 6 months ago (edited)
What kind of man leaves his child in a s****y nappy?
The important thing about “weaponized incompetence” isn’t that someone doesn't know how to do a basic task. All of us have to learn “simple” tasks at some point in our lives. The issue is when, instead of figuring it out, they simply rely on their partner to do it, presumably, in perpetuity.
This is very similar to the approach that many kids take with various tasks, where they assume their parents will do it for them. As a child, this is more acceptable, but as an adult, it’s infuriating, so it’s perhaps not surprising why these women were so unhappy.
#4
I once said about the washing machine
- There are 3 buttons. If it explodes and you die, I will mourn you.
he figured it out.
#5
Can I suggest saying what I say to my kids: “what have you done to solve this problem before coming to me?” When the answer is inevitably nothing, follow up with “please try to solve it on your own and then if your plans still run into trouble, ask me again.”.
#6
So my adult daughter told me recently she could never understand why her dad and I argued so frequently and hotly over rice when she was growing up. Then she learned about weaponized incompetence.
I would work 10 hour shifts and come home to the expectation that I immediately cook rice (to go with the dinner I put in the crock pot before work, of course). Fam, it was *Minute Rice*. Literally boil water and pour the rice into it. And he just…couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Expected and demanded that I do it. One of many reasons that he is an ex husband.
Scott Rackley 6 months ago
I don't get the whole men not cooking thing. In my family all the men cook, and well. I've been told by women that it's sexy. Don't know if that's true or not, but they liked a nice dinner.
Refusing to learn is one thing, but being entirely capable and then pretending is a degree of delusion that is hard to fathom. Imagine watching your spouse slave away over some task that you know isn’t fun to do and not even trying to help. Remember, this task is, clearly, so annoying that the man is already looking for ways to get out of it.
#7
Many, many years ago my husband complained he didn't have clean underwear. I asked him why he didn't wash a load and he said he didn't know how the washer worked. The directions for the washer were on the inside of the lid. My response was: you read blueprints for a living and you can't read the instructions for the washer? He's always had clean underwear since.
LaserBrain 6 months ago
My mom taught me how to do laundry when I was a teenager, solved that problem forever
#8
My favorite saying always works here. “Pretend I’m dead. What would you do?” I will not allow the weaponized incompetence.
Snorkeldorf 6 months ago (edited)
Did not have a problem with sharing chores, but there were many times I asked my husband to do something simple, because I knew it was easy but I had never done it. One time he got mad and said "Did you even TRY?" If you'd at least try, I wouldn't get mad." It stuck with me and after that I did try and found out I could to a lot of things., Sadly, he did die, very young. Our daughter was only seven. His words served me well and I kept learning new things. Also found out the hard way what I couldn't do, but now I know when to ask for help or call in a professional. Bless his heart. He was a big help to me even after he was gone.
#9
Once I was sick in bed and asked my then boyfriend to make me some (boxed) Mac and cheese. He brought to me cooked and dry noodles with the cheese powder “mixed” in. It looked a little weird so I asked how he made it.
He didn’t add any milk or butter. When I told him he had to add other ingredients not just what’s in the box he was flabbergasted exclaiming that he didn’t know how to make it, how was he supposed to know. It’s literally on the box. He then refused to add milk or butter saying it was fine. Obviously no longer my boyfriend.
Unfortunately, this is often how these men are raised. Certain tasks are seen as the domain of a woman and they would not even think about learning the various cycles on a washing machine or how to cook more than a handful of recipes. Often, this is exactly how the household was run in their own families.
#10
I usually slice up the fresh loaf of bread I bake, but one day, my stbx came to me, “The bread isn’t sliced.” I responded with, “I trust you to figure it out.” He did NOT like that.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 6 months ago
Is it safe for him to be around sharp objects unsupervised?
#11
My thinking has always been, if its a task required for being alive (cooking, laundry, sewing buttons, changing tires, etc) its neither a woman's or a man's "job". Its just a JOB that needs to be done and everyone should know how to do it. There was a metric c**p ton of things I didn't know how to do before my kids were born, I just learned them because it needed to be done.
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 6 months ago
When I worked at the daycare, I had a flat tire. I pulled into the empty section of a parking lot, got the jack, and set to it. I was just putting the lug nuts on when one of my kids and his dad came over. They were shopping, and thought I might need help. The dad offered to do the lug nuts, but I was already dirty, and he was wearing nice clothes, so I declined. As they walked away, the dad asked his son, "Do you think Mommy would be able to change a tire if she needed to?" I have a feeling that if she didn't, she got a lesson on that.
#12
We got an air fryer for Christmas a few years back. I unpacked it and my (soon to be ex) husband wanted to make something with it. I pointed to the counter and said "the quick start guide is over there" he got snippy with me and said "I don't need the quick start guide!!" Then a few moments later asked me if I knew how to preheat it.
Mother f****r.
I pointed to the counter again and said, loudly and with force "the quick start guide...is over there"
So glad we're divorcing.
Judy Reynolds 6 months ago
Would you rather have this, or the guy who, after 20 years of marriage, says I don't know how to do anything and has to do it all himself?
This doesn’t mean that women should just accept it, indeed, breaking your partner’s weaponized incompetence is an important first step in creating a better example if you happen to have kids. At the very least, once they have been “taught to fish,” so to speak, they will finally do it for themselves.
#13
Talking of weaponized incompetence...My boyfriend leaves most things up to me to complete when to do with bills, or anything electronic. We went on vacation (that I planned completely). His only job I gave him was to check us in for the return flight home. He literally flung his arms up in the air and said "I don't know how to do this. It's asking me a bunch of questions." Me: " Okay, they are only yes and no questions. They aren't hard". Him: "I don't know, are we citizens?" Like....dude. Come on.
#14
My dad will literally just skip meals if my mom isn’t around to cook for him (and Taco Bell is closed, lol). Once, she angrily asked how he would feed himself if she dropped dead. His answer was, 'Your mom would feed me.'
#15
My entire first marriage happened before I learned about weaponized incompetence. If I had known sooner that marriage would have gone differently.
When we were sending out wedding invitations, I wanted them addressed by hand. I thought it would be nice if he addressed the one to my parents. He made me sit beside him and dictate the address and spelling of the names. That's not too bad, he really was dyslexic.
But he appeared to have forgotten how to write! He was writing in big, poorly drawn letters like a first grader. I was so confused, because he had normal handwriting. I literally asked if he'd hit his head. He did finally get what he wanted, I did missed him and did all the work myself.
It wasn't until years later that it clicked. He was just flat out faking, to get out of it. Head injury occurred to me before faking. No wonder he chose me, I never saw it coming.
Jill Rhodry 6 months ago
I know what she means - it's so hard to believe that someone who supposedly loves you and wants (or at least should want) the best for you can treat you like this.
The final, frustrating part of this sort of behavior is just how out of line it can be with the rest of the person’s life. Some people simply can’t cook, that is true, but a doctor or engineer has to be able to handle something like the instructions of instant mac and cheese. The issue isn’t the complexity of the task, but their willingness to learn.
#16
My husband tried saying he didn't know how to work our washing machine. I asked, 'In the six years you were single and living alone, you never washed your clothes?' 'Yeah, but that washing machine was different!' There are literally instructions under the lid, with pictures.
Javelina Poppers 6 months ago
How do you have sex, does he need instructions and pictures too?
#17
If my husband pulls that “oh how do you do *simple task*”, I remind him he has THREE degrees, so I have every faith in him to figure it out.
#19
My thoughts always go to the man who can disassemble and reassemble a car engine but can't figure out how to turn on a vacuum cleaner. (yes, it's exaggerated but it's this mindset of men and their weaponized incompetence that they want to try to get away with.)
lenka 6 months ago
When my (now) husband moved in with me the very first week he vacuumed and did a p**s poor job of it. I pointed out that he had done a terrible job and he replied sheepishly, Yeah, I'm not very good at vacuuming. I told him that, that's ok. I support your desire to improve. From now on, I'll let you do all the vacuuming until you learn to do it well. He never again claimed to not be good at household chores.
#20
I always respond “what does google say?” And “if I didn’t know I would Google it, try that” Because they’re essentially asking us to be their personal search engine anyway.
#21
My ex once got out of the shower to ask which bottle was the shampoo. I told him it was the one that said shampoo on it, and he told me he hadn’t read them.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 6 months ago
What wizardry is this? The bottle that says shampoo is the shampoo?
#22
I asked my ex to finish making the pizza while I finished a task. He kept yelling what's next... even though he worked in the kitchen of a pizza place for years...
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 6 months ago
Man here, is my iq supposed to halve as soon as I enter the kitchen?
#23
I got asked the other day if the dishes in the dishwasher were clean while I was on the couch in the living room and he was literally standing next to the dishwasher. I about lost my mind. Dude's a doctor for f**ks sake.
#24
Mine asked me how to make hot chocolate. Dear readers, he is an accomplished cook with cooking classes under his belt and makes high end cuisine.
F*****G HOT CHOCOLATE. Like how do you even answer that without sounding condescending? You...scoop the powder in the cup and add hot milk, honey.
I'll never get over that one.
PaperinoVB 6 months ago
If the question was "How do you like your hot chocolate?" I'd understand. Skim milk, whole milk, lactose-free milk? Powdered cocoa or dark chocolate? No sugar, refined or brown sugar, how much of it...?
#25
My Scottish STBX came out of the kitchen holding a bag of oatmeal and interrupted my peace to ask how to make oatmeal - and the instructions were on the bag. Rage inducing!
#26
This morning he asked me to wake up our daughter at a certain time so they will leave for an appointment. I deflected that straight and said to set an Alexa reminder, which he did. But why even ask me in the first place... I also always get asked what’s the date or time… or when is this happening… like no. I am not letting that take any of my headspace. Anything you can Google or Alexa use them, not me. And check the family calendar….
wowbagger 6 months ago
My ex was constantly asking me what the weather forecast was. And I also had a male coworker who would say, "remind me that I need to do x," or "remind me that we're meeting on xyz date." I had the same job title as him; I wasn't his secretary. So I would jot down in my day planner that I needed to remind him of whatever; it took a long time for me to realize, wait, why I am I writing this down when he could just as easily write it down?
#27
If I said I was too tired to cook my ex would order in or occasionally cook. When he cooked It would always be one of a few dishes he had cooked several times eg fajitas or stir fry and it was more effort for me not to cook it than cook it. What shape do I cut it up into? What do I add to the pan first? When do I add the other stuff? Is it cooked enough for the sauce/fajita mix? What do I serve with it?
#28
The first shower I went to take after my kid was born this man looked at me and asked if it was ok that the baby’s feet were below his head the whole time I was gone because he was afraid the blood wouldn’t make it back up or something? Idk at that point I was just like motherf**ker I will be out of the room for ten minutes, are you serious?
#29
Mine asked me how to make scrambled eggs. This is a 50+ year old man who lived on his own for years before we got together. I took him at his word and narrated every step while he did them. (“Get out the pan, turn the stove to medium. Crack 2 eggs).
If he had just asked me I would have done it for him because he is generally a great husband and partner but I wasn’t playing games.
cerinamroth 6 months ago
My mother always used to make scrambled eggs in the microwave (bleugh, foamy, hard, unseasoned eggs). I made them for lunch the proper way and she grudgingly admitted that they were better. VINDICATION! (I'll take anything I can get from her at this point, however small.)
#30
The other day I asked my partner to make the kids rootbeer floats while I picked up another child’s medication. He looked at me and said “I don’t know how to make them”. After I told him that it was ice cream and rootbeer he said “I thought there was more to it”. When I pressed him what “more” was, he couldn’t tell me. He just said “I thought there was more”. No sir.
Suddenlyme 6 months ago
To be fair, Im not from the US and dont know what a rootbeer float means. Im also from a country where apart from Milkshake, you never have any other drinks mixed with ice cream. So, if someone asked me to do a root beer float, I would really think its something complex to do. But would definitely ask or google to know how to.
What do you think ?
Junebugjump! 6 months ago
This is why I am happily now single and will remain so until I meet a competent and extraordinary man. No more will I serve a man who is bare minimum.
Jane Dorothy Warner 2 weeks ago
Snap. Coming up for over 30 years on my own and they have been blissful!
Load More Replies...
LaserBrain 6 months ago (edited)
Weaponized incompetence is a thing I have been reading about lately. Men often do it, to be sure. But I have seen women do it too. "Oh! I can't change the oil in the truck!" "I can't deal with that spider!" etc
Hester 5 months ago
Hmmm... I don't think those are examples of weaponised incompetence (although I agree, it is not a behaviour strictly deployed by men). I think those things come from a cultural need to be seen to be feminine. To support this, I ask why does the spider need to be dealt with? They may not be conscious of the fact that they are trying to show that they are poor, weak, little girls, who need to be taken care of. And I would also suggest that some of the kitchen related incompetence exhibited by men comes from the same place. Their motivation is not so much to force their partner to do the thing, but to appear manly (in a bizarre and very corrupted sense).
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Pan Paweł 6 months ago
Most of those stories looks like people that found someone to take care of to feel more important l, that later found out that it does not work in relatioship.
MellonCollie 6 months ago
I can assure you this is how it goes in many relationships, unfortunately. Men who grew up being babied by their mothers well into adulthood unfortunately have this attitude towards their girlfriend as well. In the beginning, you answer them, give a correct reply, or you may even do the task yourself because you believe they really don't know. After a while, it clicks they are man-babies. This is where they either man up or get served divorce papers.
Load More Replies...
Junebugjump! 6 months ago
This is why I am happily now single and will remain so until I meet a competent and extraordinary man. No more will I serve a man who is bare minimum.
Jane Dorothy Warner 2 weeks ago
Snap. Coming up for over 30 years on my own and they have been blissful!
Load More Replies... LaserBrain 6 months ago (edited)
Weaponized incompetence is a thing I have been reading about lately. Men often do it, to be sure. But I have seen women do it too. "Oh! I can't change the oil in the truck!" "I can't deal with that spider!" etc
Hester 5 months ago
Hmmm... I don't think those are examples of weaponised incompetence (although I agree, it is not a behaviour strictly deployed by men). I think those things come from a cultural need to be seen to be feminine. To support this, I ask why does the spider need to be dealt with? They may not be conscious of the fact that they are trying to show that they are poor, weak, little girls, who need to be taken care of. And I would also suggest that some of the kitchen related incompetence exhibited by men comes from the same place. Their motivation is not so much to force their partner to do the thing, but to appear manly (in a bizarre and very corrupted sense).
Load More Replies... Pan Paweł 6 months ago
Most of those stories looks like people that found someone to take care of to feel more important l, that later found out that it does not work in relatioship.
MellonCollie 6 months ago
I can assure you this is how it goes in many relationships, unfortunately. Men who grew up being babied by their mothers well into adulthood unfortunately have this attitude towards their girlfriend as well. In the beginning, you answer them, give a correct reply, or you may even do the task yourself because you believe they really don't know. After a while, it clicks they are man-babies. This is where they either man up or get served divorce papers.
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