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20
MIL Demands Christmas Gift Every Year But Returns Almost Every One Of Them, DIL Has Had Enough
Interview With Expert
Giving gifts is tons of fun, but it definitely requires lots of thought and effort to get people things they’d actually like. Sometimes, even if you’ve tried your best, certain folks who are very picky about presents might not appreciate your effort.
This is exactly what kept happening to a woman who was stuck getting gifts for her finicky mother-in-law. Since her husband wanted no part in it, everything fell on her shoulders. She had to find a present for the woman, who had once rejected 70% of the things gifted to her.
More info: Mumsnet
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Gift-giving is the most fun part of the holiday season, but sometimes fussy people can spoil it for everyone else by being way too particular
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster explained that her mother-in-law wasn’t an easy person to get along with and that when it came to receiving gifts, she was picky and gave back everything she didn’t like
Image credits: Freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mom-in-law’s fussiness with regard to gifts made it difficult for everyone else because they were then stuck with things they didn’t want or couldn’t return
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Apart from being picky about the gifts she got, the mother-in-law also kept complaining about family Christmas events or having to cook for people even if she had offered to do so
Image credits: ChocBanana
Since the poster’s husband had delegated the gift-giving to her, she was at a loss for what to get her mom-in-law and wondered if it was worth doing anything for such a rude woman
The woman explained that her husband’s mom has a history of being disruptive and not easy to get along with. Apart from complaining about pretty much everything, she also made an incredible fuss when it came to receiving gifts. One year she returned seven of the ten presents she had been given, so the OP was then stuck with the rejected items.
To understand how best to deal with in-laws like this, Bored Panda reached out to Marie Morin. She is a licensed therapist, wellness coach, and best-selling author specializing in helping individuals navigate estrangement and family challenges.
Through the Morin Holistic Therapy channel, ‘Feeling Heartbroken and Alone’ ebook, workshops, and blog, she offers insights, tools, and strategies for healing, setting boundaries, and finding forgiveness. We asked Marie what exactly folks can do when faced with toxic in-laws.
She said that one should “communicate clearly. If it’s possible, have a polite and honest talk. Explain how their actions affect you using ‘I’ statements (e.g., ‘I feel upset when…’), and avoid blaming. Set boundaries and decide what’s okay and what’s not and explain these limits in a respectful but firm way.”
“Focus on yourself. You can’t control others’ actions, but you can control your reactions. Take care of your mental health and avoid unnecessary fights. If talking directly doesn’t work, ask a neutral person (like another family member or a counselor) to help resolve the situation,” Marie explained.
Even though the woman had tried to talk to her mother-in-law about how rude it was to reject gifts so callously, the other woman didn’t seem to get the point. Even sentimental gifts like photos of her grandchildren were kept hidden because she didn’t want to put them on display. All of this definitely got on the OP’s nerves, and she felt unsure of what to do.
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The poster’s husband didn’t take a stand against his mom. Instead, he guilt-tripped his wife into keeping on getting presents by saying that his mother would feel hurt if she didn’t get anything. He knew that his wife was tired of doing the chore, but he still refused to help her do it or clear up things with his mom.
Therapist Marie Morin explained that in situations like this, “the spouse has a key part to play.” She said it’s important for them to “support their partner. Listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Show them you’re on the same team. Talk to your family respectfully to ensure your partner is treated fairly.”
“Set and communicate boundaries. Clearly tell your family what’s okay and what’s not, and ensure these rules are followed. Aim for peace and respect for all sides. Protect your partner without escalating conflicts,” she shared. Since the OP’s husband was staying out of the matter, and she had to do everything, she felt confused about how to handle the situation.
Marie told us that “when dealing with rude family members, it’s important to decide if the issue is worth the effort to confront. It is not acceptable to be mistreated ever; however, if this is more about the mother-in-law being miserable about a gift, let her carry on.”
“What this means is you can choose to simply not be attached to a specific outcome and ignore her behavior. Her not being satisfied with your gift says a lot about her. You could just buy her a scarf every year with a gift receipt and let her complain,” she added.
Folks also shared some extremely clever ideas with the woman on how to get the one-up on her mother-in-law. They told the OP to buy things she liked so that even if her husband’s mom returned the gifts, she’d be able to enjoy using them.
Do you have any clever tricks the woman could use to combat her mom-in-law’s toxicity?
Netizens agreed that the lady’s mother-in-law was quite rude and that her son should be tasked to pick out her presents
What do you think ?
Nikole 1 day ago
I like the one commenter who said to buy something you’d like, so if (when) she gives it back, no troubles.
The Other Guest 1 day ago
Usually it means "other half," but in this case I agree that "Obtuse Husband" seems more accurate.
Load More Replies...
TribbleThinking 1 day ago (edited)
Simply accept what you've witnessed, that she's simply entitled and rude enough to demand a present AND that she's going to complain. Don't go overboard with the present cost or effort. That said, your husband, if he were mine, would be informed that he was the one in charge of her present. I did actually do that with my late husband, and his mother ended up with nothing from her darling boy.
Deborah B 1 day ago
Just buy something that you actually want. It doesn't matter if you think she would like it or not - she clearly doesn't like anything. If she refuses it, you get to enjoy it, if she keeps it, you won. Fancy chocolates? Expensive lotion? Perfume? Kitchen gadget?What would you happily take home with you as your little reward for surviving another year of christmas gift buying?
Susan Stead 1 day ago
OMG, I know this! My DH's family was the same way--all of them. They would open presents and if they didn't like it, they would tell you to take it back. They also insisted on boiling salted cod and broccoli for Christmas Eve, which made the house smell like low tide. I put up with that for 2 years, and although I'm not going to begrudge them their favorite foods, I told them no gift exchange, and I would not accept gifts from them, either. When they asked why, I told them because I despise how f-ing rude they are and I'm not doing it anymore, and if they insisted on pursuing the argument, I'd be more than happy to get straight in their faces about it. My DH tried to pass it off as me just having a hissy fit until I gave him *that* look and he backed off in a hurry. I held my ground and after a couple of years of 0 gifts, they finally understood that I was serious and they could just keep their funny looks to themselves. And we would go out to eat while they had their dinner.
Janelle Collard 1 day ago
OP needs to throws this back to Useless Husband; HIS mom, HIS problem.
Boo 1 day ago
Oh hell no! It's his mum, refuse to play that game. When she complains that she didn't get anything (let's be real here, her hubs isn't going to get anything), just say that it's his job to buy her a gift and that you're done. It may be burning a bridge, but his mother sounds insufferable and I wouldn't waste my time and energy.
Rahul Pawa 1 day ago (edited)
I keep wondering if that's what's wrong with still the gifts. She can tell her son didn't bother to participate in picking it out. Definitely OP should tell their OH to pick out a gift for her. If that doesn't work either, then in the future he can gift his mom something OP would like.
Load More Replies...
Mavis McCollam 1 day ago
My MIL was exactly the same. We did start buying her things we would like, and kept them when she gave them back. Her line was always "Why did you get me this?"
BookishPanda 1 day ago
She should donate funds to a local charity in her MIL's name and call it a day :))
LadyManx 1 day ago
Just give a box full of excelsior. She unwraps and there's nothing but stuffing. You could then say, Well, we figured it was the opening the present that you liked. So we went with that. This way you don't have to bother with the presents you don't seem to care for.
Ashley 1 day ago
Give MIL one of these: —-Something you would like/need. You’ll get it back soon enough. —-A membership to a gym. Insulting under the guise of being healthy. —-cash/visa gift card. Tell her to get something she wants. If she complains, only give a card in the future. (Place it in a box so she thinks it’s something.)
zims 1 day ago
Gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she's one of the few genuinely no-BS people who believes in honestly above all else. Just ask her what exactly she wants and give her that. Or don't put in the effort and give her cash. This is really the husband's job, and she explicitly said she'd be hurt if he didn't get her something, and I doubt she was speaking to the DIL.
Nina 1 day ago
'MIL is not an easy person to get along with'. She's acting like an ungrateful cow and everyone around her is enabling this behaviour! She's beyond rude with her replies; if you already bought your favourite treats, you can stock them up, if you get a voucher, it won't expire in a week. Also only wants to eat food cooked by herself but complaining about all the work? Does she just enjoy being a martyr? I really like the suggestion just buying something OP likes, so she at least has something nice outvof it. The husband should deal with the gift imho, it's his mom.
sweet emotion 1 day ago
From now on you ONLY give her things that you want for yourself, extra points if it is something she would never want in the first place.
Ge Po 1 day ago (edited)
This shouts mild, un-diagnosed spectrum situation. Being factual, rigid about gifts and their use, disliking food someone else made (uncertainty about taste/texture). I know some people who could disguise their challenges better when they had their partner to help manage life. When the partner died, the symptoms/characteristics got stronger. Edit to add: If this is the case, ask what he/she wants and give that. If you do want some form of surprise, ask for two (in some cases three) options and chose one.
Littlemiss 1 day ago (edited)
I'd start buying things I love and wanted so when she gives it back it's useful. She's a rude, entitled old bag who probably does it just to stick up the daughter in law. The hubby is gutless letting his wife be treated like that. I speak from experience with my mother who does exactly this and wonders why nobody bothers with gifts for her.
Tamra 22 hours ago
Her husband has made it her responsibility to buy gifts for his mother?? Surely I'm reading this wrong. I'd flat out refuse. You don't buy your own mother a gift, she doesn't get one. Also, I don't think I'd be wasting my holidays trying to please this woman at all. Life's too damn short.
Bertha Madott 1 day ago
A friend of mine bought a gift every year for her step-grandmother. Things the old lady needed or could use. Always a nice thank you. When Old Lady passed away, the family found drawers of unused nice suitable things. I (F76) can say in all honesty: older people can be a bit strange.
Uncle Schmickle 1 day ago
She sounds like a real pain. Obviously her husband was just "dying" to get away from her !
Aileen Grist 1 day ago
When my paarents got into their 70s they told my brother and I to be sure to buy them presents we wanted to inherit. We do the same now with our crew.
Ruth Watry 3 hours ago
People have it right. Either have husband choose and get the gift (make sure to give him a budget), or buy something that you will enjoy after she gives it back.
Liz Zeeman 14 hours ago
We were taught to say thank or that's lovely etc., to give the giver a good vibe. Keep quiet if you didn't like it & much later give it away or regift it. That woman doesn't deserve any presents at all & I'd not give her any & tell her face to face when she has a hissy fit
The Starsong Princess 18 hours ago
OH is now responsible for buying for his mother, you are resigning. I recommend that he buy something you like for when she gives it back. Also, have your Christmas at home, she can attend and eat or not. She does this for the attention and to get under your skin so just ignore her.
Nikole 1 day ago
I like the one commenter who said to buy something you’d like, so if (when) she gives it back, no troubles.
The Other Guest 1 day ago
Usually it means "other half," but in this case I agree that "Obtuse Husband" seems more accurate.
Load More Replies... TribbleThinking 1 day ago (edited)
Simply accept what you've witnessed, that she's simply entitled and rude enough to demand a present AND that she's going to complain. Don't go overboard with the present cost or effort. That said, your husband, if he were mine, would be informed that he was the one in charge of her present. I did actually do that with my late husband, and his mother ended up with nothing from her darling boy.
Deborah B 1 day ago
Just buy something that you actually want. It doesn't matter if you think she would like it or not - she clearly doesn't like anything. If she refuses it, you get to enjoy it, if she keeps it, you won. Fancy chocolates? Expensive lotion? Perfume? Kitchen gadget?What would you happily take home with you as your little reward for surviving another year of christmas gift buying?
Susan Stead 1 day ago
OMG, I know this! My DH's family was the same way--all of them. They would open presents and if they didn't like it, they would tell you to take it back. They also insisted on boiling salted cod and broccoli for Christmas Eve, which made the house smell like low tide. I put up with that for 2 years, and although I'm not going to begrudge them their favorite foods, I told them no gift exchange, and I would not accept gifts from them, either. When they asked why, I told them because I despise how f-ing rude they are and I'm not doing it anymore, and if they insisted on pursuing the argument, I'd be more than happy to get straight in their faces about it. My DH tried to pass it off as me just having a hissy fit until I gave him *that* look and he backed off in a hurry. I held my ground and after a couple of years of 0 gifts, they finally understood that I was serious and they could just keep their funny looks to themselves. And we would go out to eat while they had their dinner.
Janelle Collard 1 day ago
OP needs to throws this back to Useless Husband; HIS mom, HIS problem.
Boo 1 day ago
Oh hell no! It's his mum, refuse to play that game. When she complains that she didn't get anything (let's be real here, her hubs isn't going to get anything), just say that it's his job to buy her a gift and that you're done. It may be burning a bridge, but his mother sounds insufferable and I wouldn't waste my time and energy.
Rahul Pawa 1 day ago (edited)
I keep wondering if that's what's wrong with still the gifts. She can tell her son didn't bother to participate in picking it out. Definitely OP should tell their OH to pick out a gift for her. If that doesn't work either, then in the future he can gift his mom something OP would like.
Load More Replies... Mavis McCollam 1 day ago
My MIL was exactly the same. We did start buying her things we would like, and kept them when she gave them back. Her line was always "Why did you get me this?"
BookishPanda 1 day ago
She should donate funds to a local charity in her MIL's name and call it a day :))
LadyManx 1 day ago
Just give a box full of excelsior. She unwraps and there's nothing but stuffing. You could then say, Well, we figured it was the opening the present that you liked. So we went with that. This way you don't have to bother with the presents you don't seem to care for.
Ashley 1 day ago
Give MIL one of these: —-Something you would like/need. You’ll get it back soon enough. —-A membership to a gym. Insulting under the guise of being healthy. —-cash/visa gift card. Tell her to get something she wants. If she complains, only give a card in the future. (Place it in a box so she thinks it’s something.)
zims 1 day ago
Gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she's one of the few genuinely no-BS people who believes in honestly above all else. Just ask her what exactly she wants and give her that. Or don't put in the effort and give her cash. This is really the husband's job, and she explicitly said she'd be hurt if he didn't get her something, and I doubt she was speaking to the DIL.
Nina 1 day ago
'MIL is not an easy person to get along with'. She's acting like an ungrateful cow and everyone around her is enabling this behaviour! She's beyond rude with her replies; if you already bought your favourite treats, you can stock them up, if you get a voucher, it won't expire in a week. Also only wants to eat food cooked by herself but complaining about all the work? Does she just enjoy being a martyr? I really like the suggestion just buying something OP likes, so she at least has something nice outvof it. The husband should deal with the gift imho, it's his mom.
sweet emotion 1 day ago
From now on you ONLY give her things that you want for yourself, extra points if it is something she would never want in the first place.
Ge Po 1 day ago (edited)
This shouts mild, un-diagnosed spectrum situation. Being factual, rigid about gifts and their use, disliking food someone else made (uncertainty about taste/texture). I know some people who could disguise their challenges better when they had their partner to help manage life. When the partner died, the symptoms/characteristics got stronger. Edit to add: If this is the case, ask what he/she wants and give that. If you do want some form of surprise, ask for two (in some cases three) options and chose one.
Littlemiss 1 day ago (edited)
I'd start buying things I love and wanted so when she gives it back it's useful. She's a rude, entitled old bag who probably does it just to stick up the daughter in law. The hubby is gutless letting his wife be treated like that. I speak from experience with my mother who does exactly this and wonders why nobody bothers with gifts for her.
Tamra 22 hours ago
Her husband has made it her responsibility to buy gifts for his mother?? Surely I'm reading this wrong. I'd flat out refuse. You don't buy your own mother a gift, she doesn't get one. Also, I don't think I'd be wasting my holidays trying to please this woman at all. Life's too damn short.
Bertha Madott 1 day ago
A friend of mine bought a gift every year for her step-grandmother. Things the old lady needed or could use. Always a nice thank you. When Old Lady passed away, the family found drawers of unused nice suitable things. I (F76) can say in all honesty: older people can be a bit strange.
Uncle Schmickle 1 day ago
She sounds like a real pain. Obviously her husband was just "dying" to get away from her !
Aileen Grist 1 day ago
When my paarents got into their 70s they told my brother and I to be sure to buy them presents we wanted to inherit. We do the same now with our crew.
Ruth Watry 3 hours ago
People have it right. Either have husband choose and get the gift (make sure to give him a budget), or buy something that you will enjoy after she gives it back.
Liz Zeeman 14 hours ago
We were taught to say thank or that's lovely etc., to give the giver a good vibe. Keep quiet if you didn't like it & much later give it away or regift it. That woman doesn't deserve any presents at all & I'd not give her any & tell her face to face when she has a hissy fit
The Starsong Princess 18 hours ago
OH is now responsible for buying for his mother, you are resigning. I recommend that he buy something you like for when she gives it back. Also, have your Christmas at home, she can attend and eat or not. She does this for the attention and to get under your skin so just ignore her.
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