Makes it seem like they're on the same page with you as to future goals but has no intention of following through. Is there a word for that?

Like I wanted kids, he said he wanted kids too. One pregnancy scare later and suddenly it's 'well I thought if I just put it off long enough we'd miss your fertility window and then it wouldn't be an issue.'

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Deborah B

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1 year ago

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Future faking.

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Something that doesn't get mentioned too often is "future faking".

This can involve making lots of sweet promises with no intention of keeping them or following through. These people tend to be expert sweet talkers too, and very good at getting a sense of what your hopes and dreams are in order to paint a rosy picture and hook you into a future fantasy that appeals to you JUST to get what they want in the present.

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Always being told they don’t want to fight or fuss anytime you bring up a an incident in which your feelings were hurt or you felt disrespected.

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Rayne OfSalt

Rayne OfSalt

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1 year ago

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But I don't want to fight? fighting is stupid and ain't gonna do either of us any good. I want you to explain to me what I did, how you felt and why, so that I can work on not doing whatever behaviour my stupid a$$ has been doing and be a better partner.

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When you’re excited about a new thing/ want to pick up a new hobby- immediately putting you down eg ‚you won’t be doing it for long anyway‘ and similar. Small but meaningful.

Making you feel like you have to ask for their time and if you’re lucky, you’ll get it. Just remember: your time is equally valuable.

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I have learned, when someone asks you “what do you want in a relationship/partner” do not be too specific. They will just conform to whatever it is you told them, and it will take a lot longer for the “true them” to come out. I now tell people Im looking for someone “kind, motivated, empathetic, and an equal partner” This allows me not to waste my time. I also don’t “open” with super strong feminist ideals because they’ll just pretend to agree with you until they get tired. I dated a guy who literally play acted as this super progressive guy for New York, until he took me home to meet his parents and he told me he was a staunch Republican who believes there are just “differences” between men and women. He used the word alpha more than once in the conversation. I then found those weird manipulation/power books in his closet 🙃 playing dumb for a few weeks can pay lol

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love bombing

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Making you feel guilty for setting boundaries

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‘I don’t deserve you’
‘I don’t understand why you are still with me’
‘I hate how I treat you’

You will likely reply ‘ I love you’, ‘You do deserve me’. This validates them, it’s not about them being responsible for their actions, it’s about you having pity with them because they can’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

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HighNMightyBigshot

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12 months ago (edited)

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Found a post on Pinterest where some guy pretty much said the same thing, the girl agreed and then f&cked his mate. Hysterical!

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Him wanting to see my phone every time a notification sounded.

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Miss Frankfurter

Miss Frankfurter

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1 year ago

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No you may not. It’s my phone and therefore my business.

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My ex would choose to tell me about very traumatic childhood events only on days that were special to me. The idea was to make me feel like a pos if I didnt cancel my plans to stay home and comfort/ be sad with him. He would do this on my birthday, any holiday I was excited about, anniversaries ect.

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Jay Scales

Jay Scales

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1 year ago

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I'm glad he's an 'ex'

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Here’s a thing: confusing generosity for thoughtfulness and security. I think there are a few things the majority of women (unbeknownst to them or not) look for in a mate/long term partner. One of them is security. We tend to put a greater value on his eagerness to provide than it deserves. You might have shared that you always wanted to see Greece- and for your birthday he gives you that experience youve longed for. You might be a single mom stretched thin between two kids and two full time jobs- then insists you reduce to part time hours cause “He’s got you”. Maybe you are living on a tight budget and bare minimum to hold your life together. Those gestures have great impact and are interpreted as empathetic, generous, and future-thinking. It makes us feel loved, well-minded, and in good hands. An honest man who puts you first. One who wants to lay down roots and grow with you. Some men are authentic to the core and are doing just that. But for some others, it’s a ruse to lure you in and keep you. It can be hard in the beginning to see the difference between the two. Unfortunately have a tendency to give those acts more credit than they deserve and **become more tolerant or forgiving of other consequential character flaws.** The number of women who become ensnared in a hurtful or a***ive relationship and cannot get out is staggering. I was here at one point in my life and it feels like imprisonment with means out. The lesson in this (that I share with my daughters today) is to stay mindful. Pay close attention to the man’s character outside of things and experiences his means can provide. Have a stream of independent income/employment for yourself, even if the hours are minimal. You’ll want to know you can land on your own two feet if you have to. And always, **always** keep a side stash savings as an escape fund ♥️

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Miss Frankfurter

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1 year ago

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One of my friends always maintains that she will never let any man think she can’t make it without him. Note: always have the resources to do just that.

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Telling me “I put everything into this and all you did was play me for letting it drag on for this long” whenever you mention how unhappy you are with him.

Also weaponizing your insecurities and traumas against you in arguments

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TheBlueBitterfly

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1 year ago

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Omg my ex would use EVERY insecurity against me, calling my crazy. "Nobody else will ever want you because you're fat/lazy/ugly/broken/untrusting" etc

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Did something nice for me then stole from me and showed me what he took when we were apart (as if to say, come get this back), told everyone I was his gf without asking me, took pictures of us together and shared them with friends really early, kept commenting about certain things I was doing that were "not allowed" (like cooking certain foods), looked up my ex and told me he had coworkers who knew him (?), and googled me online and showed me the stuff he found (an old paper I wrote :/ )
I escaped one night at his house when I was like this guy is a creeeper, I was sick and left while hanging out watching tv. Never turned back.

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Simply put: if someone does not love you for who you are in your core, don't waste your time with that person.

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The most destructive thing that my ex did to hurt my self-esteem and confidence was lie to me about other people's perception about me.

My ex and I went to the same school, but different streams. He was in commerce and I was in science. We had plenty of mutual friends and seperate friend groups. For example, My ex used to tell me how "the guys" thought that I was promiscuous because I was pleasant to men or how my female friends were talking behind my back because he heard it from one of the guys the girl was dating etc

This was my first relationship. He wasn't treating me badly. So, I didn't have any reason to mistrust him. I was very hurt and angry at my peers and thought how double faced they were. In retrospect, I know that it was my ex who was the snake.

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My first boyfriend used to tell me all about how rejection upsets him. How everytime someone told him no itd make him sad or disappointed. He wouldn’t bring it up everyday but just randomly so it would stay in my mind. I felt like I couldn’t turn him down for sex at all.

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Future faking. Don’t let him talk up a perfect “future” to try and get you to stay with him. Look at things for how they are right now. My ex would always say ‘one day I’m gonna do xyz for you” while ignoring my bday and never taking me out for our anniversary or valentines

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Reverse Victim and Offender. Them: I need your help Me: No problem vs Me: Hey I need your help Them: Wow how could you pressure me to help you? Me: WTF?

Mirroring/Masking: During love bombing they mirror back your values and beliefs with juuuuuuust enough variation that it sounds like a real answer. Can only be defended against by not being such an open book and evaluating action not words

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Barbara Skolly

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1 year ago

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I must stop being an open book.

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“You think you’re going to find someone who cares about you as much as I do?” Meanwhile, we’d been arguing nearly nonstop.

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Not wanting to label the relationship for years
Inventing their own definitions of words
Making others feel sorry for them
Pretending to be poor for freebies
Pretending to be sick for freebies
Insurance fraud
Triangulation
Holding others to a standard you yourself cannot meet
Dropping bombs at inappropriate moments

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Xiao Mao

Xiao Mao

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1 year ago

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Sounds like a sociopath to me.

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What you need to feel loved isn’t “too much”

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Rayne OfSalt

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1 year ago

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Eh, sometimes it can be too much for the other person. An ex of mine needed constant, constant reassurance and validation, to the point where they were calling me at work multiple times a day and texting non-stop between calls, waking me up in the middle of the night, interrupting conversations and phone calls and I'm sorry that was most certainly too much. My health suffered, my stress went through the roof, my work suffered, my relationships with friends and family suffered.

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Meeting their kids way too early, end up only staying in it for the kids.

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Negging, Nice guy syndrome, Victim mentality/blaming themselves without actually putting effort to resolve any of their issues while expecting you to do the latter. Calling you dumb and stupid as a joke, Silent treatment, Ignoring your bids for attention until they want something out of the relationship, Playing devils advocate, Needing validation but unable to validate you, Liking you because you’re “nice” or “safe”

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Comparison to an ex.

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Telling you that you wouldn'tbe able to live without them and that they "have" to "teach you to be independent"(this is word to word what my ex told me and believed it was ok to plainly say that to me).

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Miss Frankfurter

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1 year ago

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Wouldn’t be able to live without them? Oh ya? Watch me. See my comment at #32.

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intrude and attack a deliberately harmful person will enter your personal space when you are most vulnerable; fake concern; corner you; attack you in an innocuous manner; push you to the point of reactive a***e and then expect you to apologize to them

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- This one was already said but it always needs a comeback : No he ain’t gonna end himself, just leave his manipulative butt. - The whole mind game of acting like the person is really down to get a specific answer from you (that you had already explained yourself millions of times a couple of minutes ago) and then once they don’t receive it they start going off on you with arrogance acting like they’re the victim. - Everything you say has to include him in it, if it doesn’t then don’t speak about it otherwise you’re gonna get s***ted on until you start every sentences by being inclusive. - Old but still need a comeback : the silent treatment to obtain what he wants and put the person in emotional distress. - Giving you his "blessing" but if you do it you get s***ted on. - The whole “if you don’t do this then we will break up” or just anything that has to do with the wannabe outcome of it being breaking up. - Making you emotionally dependent of him by expressing himself as if what you are doing is actually extremely bad for you. - Power control. - The whole “I’m not good for you” just to get an ego boost. - Telling someone they’re manipulative and selfish for respecting your own boundaries / putting boundaries. And I can keep on going on because I lived with the most manipulative man I had ever met in my entire life and even with all the study knowledge I have on manipulation I felt for it real hard.

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Silent treatment. Not talking to you for months if you confronted them for something they did, punishing you for standing up for yourself by ghosting you and cutting all communication and when they think you have learned your lesson, they come back with no apology. It's literally emotional a***e because you end up thinking you made a huge mistake by standing up for yourself and you did the wrong thing. It makes you overthink everything and is plain torture.

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Miss Frankfurter

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1 year ago

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My mom came from a household where her mother did that. She knew how upsetting it was to live like that. How did she handle things she was upset about. The silent treatment. Every single second living with her was incredibly stressful. But if we went out somewhere, like visiting friends she would act like nothing was wrong. Back in the car, back to silence. One time, I had absolutely no idea why she was doing this. I asked dad. He told me to ask her. Turns out she was angry that I hadn’t remembered the anniversary of her father’s death. I wonder why? I was 11 years old when this happened and was in the hospital having had my appendix out. Can you say selfish and self centred?

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“I was just trying to help”

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Using pet names ("babe", "beautiful", "hon") to make you think the both of you have a real connection

Speaking the words "*I'm looking for a relationship*" while exhibiting behaviors that are focused on getting sex

Putting down your interests and/or not expressing interest in knowing more about what interests you

Using "*I'm busy. Can I talk to you later*", without scheduling a more opportune time, to apply pressure on you to chase their attention and make you fear losing them. This is usually followed by taking too long to respond by text

Your requests to call each other and/or spend time together are always rejected and met with an excuse. However, they are always "available" by text

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Xiao Mao

Xiao Mao

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1 year ago

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Had one like this. Told him to CALL me. He never did. Always texts. He was a p0rn-sick loser on top of that so he got dumped with a quickness.

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Trauma bonding

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Words not matching actions.
Not making you a priority, yet always being there for others.
Caring about what others think rather than how you feel.
Moody, hold and cold behaviour. Put putting a caring front towards you in front of others.
Barely acknowledges your small and big wins.
Takes out their anger towards others/other things on you.
Not interested in planning to do anything together.
Cold shoulder if you respectfully bring up anything/silent treatment
Lack of real interest in you as a person, after the intial high of winning over you
Always complaining about you, slowly coming off as always having a problem with you is how that ends.
Not happy for your close relationships with your family and friends, especially if they don’t have a close circle
Any nostalgic missing ex or comparing you with anyone remotely is a huge red flag

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Blame shifting and using a crutch. Oh well I’m like this because I have…..(names mental issue). I need a lot of reassurance because of my mother/ father.

Honestly anyone that paints a negative picture about their families, friends, lifestyle can pain a negative picture about you. Happy dating.

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Kristal

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1 year ago

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Eeeeh maybe this isn't worded well? I can most definitely paint a negative picture about my ex'fiance and my mother, I'd does not mean I'm shifting blame, it means they had good parts but the negative overshadowed. I AM a certain way due to trauma and abuse and I am responsible for my healing. However, reassurances are a thing with people who have had certain trauma and it's very good for them to have it. Granted, there is a threshold of how much reassurance but, for the most part, needing reassurances isn't necessarily a red flag.

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Someone who never suggests anything and always wants to do and or is fine with what you want to do is manipulative and secretly resenting you for always going along with you.

People pleasers are the same. They want you to see them in a certain light and will focus 100% on your needs and keep any issues they have to themselves and resent you for it all the while.

Going forward I will not be making friends with someone who only has sob stories for every relationship they’ve had platonic or otherwise, more often than not the problem is them and their passiveness and inability to reflect on how their own actions enable how others treat them.

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TheElementalGod️️

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1 year ago

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Welp guess I'm manipulating and secretly resenting people for always going along with them.

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Someone threatening to break up with you if you don't do things the way they want it. Once you realize it's a manipulation tactic, it stops working.

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