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A "side chick" refers to a woman involved in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone who is already committed to another. Typically, she's kept a secret and is "second" to the person, which often leads to all sorts of emotional and ethical dilemmas.
Reddit user FinalEntertainment60 wanted to know more about their inner turmoil, so they asked everyone who fit the description at some point in their lives to describe how the status affected them. Here are the replies.
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#1
Why doesn’t the man who actually has the loyalty to his wife get blamed? Why does the woman who has no loyalty to that man’s wife or man in question get blamed? I was tricked into one of these relationships, guy told me he was single, I fell for him, found out after 3 years he was unhappily married with kids, I ended it, he renewed his vows and has another child on the way!
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#2
I'm opposite. He cheated on me with someone in our friend group.
She is now one of my absolute best friends and my sister in law. Aka, I married her brother.
He was 23, I was 21, she was 17. He was amazing at making you feel incredibly special and wonderful until he thought you were staying, then he would slowly destroy you and your world.
Also, she was a child and he was an adult. She takes none of the blame.
Yes, we have talked about it and have agreed we are both better off without him.
#3
I was a piece of s**t. Insecure, jealous, I had no hobbies, I was bitter and vindictive. I was 17-22 f*****g around with a married man who was 10 years older than me. He left his first marriage and literally married a different woman and I was still gobbling up his d**k like it was the best thing ever and thought he would wake up and chose me. It was mediocre at best and he was a s**t person too. I feel bad... mostly for myself. I was a young woman who didn't respect herself and allowed men to disrespect me and their wives. Not really much more to say than that :(.
M Calad 8 months ago
When I was in my 20 I was also very insecure with low self-esteem which led to extreme jealousy, controling behavior and many toxic traits in my relationships 🙈. I cringe when I remember my 'bad performances'. But now I am in a better place and prioritize self love and respect. Hope the OP is in a better place and hope that she grew to love herself 🩷.
#4
I didn't know for two years. When I confronted him about making plans on FB to move in with another chick and accused him of having another woman, he told me that technically I was the other woman, but she was willing to let me move in with them. We broke up and he moved in with her a few months later.
A year after we broke up he called me complaining that she wasn't financially responsible and wasn't able to run a house as well as me. He asked me to move to Florida with him. I laughed at him and said he should have thought about that before telling me I was the other woman.
Petunia Petal 8 months ago
Wait... the partner was okay with the 'other woman' moving in with them?!
#5
He left her for me, I married him, he cheated on me with her hahaha 💀💀💀.
#6
Oh one I can answer! To clarify, I am not trying to justify what I did and fully acknowledge it was wrong. I’m just trying to explain what factors led to the situation.
I had just started a new job and after a few months, ended up completely falling for my married boss. I knew it was wrong and tried to keep my distance but we had a bunch of business trips together which resulted in a lot of 1:1 time. Mentally, I was in a really dark place. I had a string of dates that didn’t go anywhere where I felt rejected and used, gained 40lbs, and my self esteem plummeted. Meanwhile I had this super attractive, successful guy at work lifting me up, telling me I’m smart, beautiful, and that any guy who isn’t into me is an idiot. Anytime I was with him I would finally feel alive again and felt like we just had magnetic chemistry. He also admitted to feeling the same way towards me.
We tried not to do anything but after a year of tension we finally ended up hooking up. I knew he was married, I knew it was wrong. I never met the wife but thought she must be a much better person than I was. My colleagues had met her and I knew she was beautiful, fit, and seemed really kind. I was at such a low point in my life that I would take the scraps just to be with him. It was a tumultuous relationship and I tried to end it many times but because we literally worked together in a tiny office and I still had intense feelings for him, it would start back up. I tried dating other people to take my mind off things but couldn’t because I was so in love with him. I felt trapped and would frequently cry in the office bathroom, knowing I needed to get out somehow.
I ended up breaking it off with him, resigning and taking a $70K pay cut just to get myself out of the situation ASAP. Then COVID hit and the new company scaled back their operations and because I was a new employee I was laid off. I then spent the next year in a super deep depression but eventually managed to get myself out of it.
So I honestly didn’t set out to have a relationship with a married man, I just kind of fell into it over time and made a series of poor decisions. The wife ended up finding out after I had already resigned and I know she is the main victim here and I feel terrible that I hurt someone innocent.
I have since landed back on my feet, gotten a new job, lost all the weight I gained, and am feeling far more confident in myself. Obviously I stay far away from married men and if the situation had happened now instead of at such a low point in my life, I would like to think I would make better decisions. I guess I’m writing all this in response to the comments stating that these women are always “heartless bitches who want to win over a married man”. I mean sure, that can be the case, but there are also situations which are far more nuanced.
Flora Porter 8 months ago
A part of the nuance of this story that's missing is the power dynamic. The fact he's her boss adds a value that he wouldn't have if she met him in a bar. It also adds a parental dynamic - getting approval from a man in a position of authority over you. Third, it plays to the economy of romance trope so many of us unconsciously absorb where your worth equates to the status of the man you attract. The truth is he abused his responsibility to an employee as well as his marriage.
#7
I didn’t choose to be but was unknowingly a side chick for almost a year. It still blows my mind to this day how long he managed to lie to two women for and how his wife never cottoned on as he was always with me.
He had a bachelor pad in the city, told his coworkers he’d separated and paraded me around to them at events as well as coming to all my family and work events and coming on a few vacations with me. All while checking in with his wife every few weekends when I thought he was going to visit his elderly mom. I met a few of his family members but never his mom.
His best friend finally told me at a dinner that he was still married and that I should have a chat with his « ex » so I got brave and sent her a message on facebook.
It was wild, she was super nice to me, kicked him out and I cut ties and blocked him on everything. She said that things hadn’t been great, they hadn’t been intimate in six years but were still very much married. She just thought he was working all the time.
The weirdest thing was that a few months later I think she must have taken him back because she started sending me super nasty messages. I understand that I was sleeping with her husband but it was unknowing and I think if I were in her position I would have placed greater blame on my ex.
All in all, if you have a choice in the matter do not do it. Men who cheat are the lowest of the low and we can all do so much better.
It made me a bit sad that his wife turned on me like that but I kind of get it. I am glad I spoke to her though because he could have kept it up for a long time! I’ve since upgraded big time and am engaged to a lovely man who is definitely not two timing. It took a long time to trust again though and I hope anyone else who has been in this kind of mess gets their own happy ending ❤️.
#8
I chose to be a sidechick when I was in the closet. I felt like no one else would love me, so this would have to be good enough. I didn't understand that I deserved more.
It became abusive. It took me longer than it should to exit the relationship for good but I finally did.
I would never again. Being in a secret relationship puts you in a perfect position to be abused. No one to witness it. No one to share your concerns.
BigCityLady 8 months ago
I am glad that she is out now!! I hope the spouse is safe as well as statistically she would be facing the same abusive treatment.
#9
I had a friend that cheated on all her partners or dated other friend’s partners. She was extremely attractive and seductive. She knew exactly how to get any man. The day she told me she slept with our mutual friend’s boyfriend, I knew I couldn’t trust her. Our friendship fizzled out months later.
#10
I didn’t know it when I met him. Clearly he was a player, but I wanted to play. When I found out about his GF I was shocked and embarrassed as I knew her personally. I didn’t do anything wrong, and it was his mess to fess up to as I was not the only one. I moved on and grew up from all that. They broke up over it. She deserved better and got it.
#11
Nurse here, who has seen many other women date married men, they do it because they think that they can 'steal' a husband from another woman. And it works a surprising number of times, as long as the guy can afford the divorce, the alimony, the child support, and a second wife.
#12
I did it because I had no self respect or self esteem and was desperate for validation and he was the only one giving it to me.
I stopped because I started taking medication for my depression and generally grew as a person and gained some self love.
I truly did not even think about his girlfriend. My thought process was " if he does not care about her why should i?".
#13
I always thought we were just work friends, I knew he was married and he always mentioned his wife with a smile, so I never thought about him in that way (and for a long time I wasn't attracted to him at all). However, we started spending lots of time together due to work and somehow both found in each other what we were missing in our SOs - long and interesting conversations. We ended up confessing our feelings to each other but said that nothing can happen as we are both taken. However, I guess, hormones took over and we started getting physical. I remember feeling extremely guilty after every kiss but also excited, like I am finally alive. I ended it after I went to his apartment and saw pictures of his wife. That's when I finally realized that she is a real person, not just someone from his stories, and I was just disgusted by myself. He still tried to contact me and we met one time after that, but then one interesting thing happened - I found out my SO was cheating. The pain and heartbreak I experienced when I found out (and I am still heartbroken) is something that can not be described. I would have never imagined the pain to be so strong. I immediately cut all ties with the married man, told him to never contact me again and to focus on his marriage and his wife. It still haunts me that, if she would find out, she would be crushed just like I was crushed. I would never want that pain to anyone, and the thought that I may have caused that intense life changing pain to his wife is just disturbing. I still have nightmares of what I have done. Probably will regret that all my life.
#14
Honestly? Desire. The thought of being desired so much that he was willing to sacrifice his living situation and long-term relationship was disorienting. It felt like a dr*g I couldn't get enough of. The heart pounding adrenalin of watching him debate in real time if he was going to cheat, and then feeling him look at me and decide didn't want to, but HAD to. It was a dr*g. And I think that's the best metaphor, because dr*gs are dangerous. And they ruin people's lives.
#15
I didn’t do it, but someone I know did. Mainly to boost her ego. She thought that since he slept with her, she was better than the main girlfriend.
#16
Because I have major commitment issues and the idea of a low-maintenance "relationship" is the dream. Spoiler alert: it ended with me feeling like a complete idiot.
doredde 8 months ago
"Low maintenance" and cheating are two totally different things. Yes, you behaved like an "idiot". I wouldn´t have called you that, I would have called you irresponsible and egotistic keeping in mind that you maybe assisted someone to destroy another persons dreams, lifeplans or whatever. Idiotic is a feeling that refers only to yourself as the unlucky one and avoids/refuses responsibility for others.
#17
I did.
I chose it because I wanted him.
His marriage was already dead in the water. He cheated on his wife with me (kissed me) and the following day I told him we shouldn’t pursue this and I would take the secret to my grave if that was what he wanted.
He split up from his wife, moved out, and asked me on a date two weeks later.
We’ve been married ten years and have two children.
BigCityLady 8 months ago (edited)
Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting……😳. On a side note, you chose the only acceptable, and painless, option for all of those involved. But you also set up firm boundaries and IF he genuinely loved you, HE would file for divorce. Many people claim to be in a loveless marriage but will cheat given the opportunity all whist lying during the entire affair and they have zero desire to divorce for a myriad number of reasons.
#18
He told me he left her. He didn't. So I chose to out him to her every chance I could get. Ie. He'd send me letters apologizing or begging we stay together, so I'd mail them to her workplace so she could see what a loser she has. Welp... he died at age 35, she got a $950,000 insurance payout, and I was left salty and bitter. Lol.
BigCityLady 8 months ago
Why would the other woman by salty after his death??? I am actually do not understand her viewpoint.
#19
I was 16, he was 29. He made me feel beautiful, and gave me attention. He also said he was going to end it with his girlfriend and I guess I wanted to believe him.
Of course, once he got what he wanted, and after a pregnancy scare, he stopped talking to me altogether. He never broke up with her, a friend lost complete respect for me for getting involved with a guy who was taken, and I lost even more self-esteem.
#20
Not me but one of my friends who is still actively in her situation.
She was a waitress at a high end restaurant and he travels with the NFL (not an athlete). He was married with 3 kids (9-16) and his wife was a SAHM. He woo-ed her with all of these fancy trips and started paying for her Botox and nails and s**t. They started sleeping together about 2 years ago and though he didn’t have plans on leaving his wife, my friend’s ex (who’s a psycho narcissist but pretends to have ethics) somehow found out, managed to somehow get ahold of his wife and spilled all the beans. My friend is now currently living with him in a one bedroom apartment on the other side of the country. She “won” the man but is no longer benefiting from anything else. His salary was like, $14k/mo BUT after paying his wife’s mortgage, child support and spousal support, he’s only bringing in about $4k to the table now. No surprise, his kids absolutely despise my friend and also no surprise, the fancy trips are no longer a thing.
#21
Not a woman, but I was the side-piece to a man who swore, up and down, that he was straight.
Until he had a drop of alcohol that was. Then he couldn't keep his hands off me.
Kept "reassuring" himself that he's doing this as a "favour" to me. And that I "must really want this".
His girlfriend was a really nice girl too. If a bit up her own a**e sometimes.
We had several classes in school together, and I'd occasionally walk her home.
She had moved away by the time the guy in question and I, started fooling around. And they were maintaining a long distance relationship.
Why'd I do it?
Mostly selfish indulgence. Aside from losing my virginity years before, I had never really been touched by anyone in a meaningful way. I was lonely. Touch starved. And the option was _right there_.
Of course I was going to give in to it. In my head: I was cold and for a brief moment there was warmth.
I lied to myself for a time, because she had made a comment about me and him kissing being hot, so I thought she'd be okay with it, if it and more became a semi regular thing.
She was not.
In truth, I just didn't really care what she thought/felt and cared more about myself.
Selfish? Yeah I guess. But I'm not particularly sorry about that part of it.
I am more sorry about allowing myself to be used just for a bloody bit of skin contact.
Anyway, after a while things stopped. They split up. Our lives went on. And as far as i know, none of us even think about the other. And that's that lol.
doredde 8 months ago
The only thing about that story that I find pathetic is you not feeling sorry for her but for you only. That makes you appear not very sympathetic to me as a human being. And obviously you fool yourself into being over it or why did you post this if you do not give a thought to this?
#22
I thought I was being a safe haven for someone who really had a bad situation. I didn't try to save him, as much as just let him be him because his wife allegedly stifled family fun. I offered an alternative instead. I dint give him advice or anything, just stuck by his side.
It was such a dumb outlook.
#23
I have an acquaintance who swears y cheating and claims it prolonged her marriage. She eventually divorced. She now sleeps with a few men, some married/in relationships but is looking to settle and claims those lovers are “not good enough”. I’m not sure if she’s just deflecting or really thinks that. She really does feel a hell of a lot better about herself, claims to be a feminist, bur has ZERO qualms about stealing men. She says everything is fine as long as noone finds out. It really bugged me, a lot of ppl seem to know and are fine with it. I told her I don’t subscribe to lying to ppl, you can try an open relationship or just not have a relationship altogether but skip the cheating.
#24
Being insecure/feeling like you’re never the prize and having someone who already has a partner go out of their way to “court” and “choose” you is intoxicating. I always thought I had all the power but I was clearly being used. Did this to myself so many times in my 20s, I internally scream when I think about it. I truly didn’t think I could ever do better. I’m still single now but I choose myself over ever entertaining s**t like that again.
#25
We were friends with benefits. He started dating someone. Sex was too good and my lizard brain didn’t care.
My boundaries were crossed during a session, and I semi-ghosted him. He informed me they broke up (not because she found out, but unrelated issues). We haven’t hooked back up and probably won’t.
#26
I've done it with 2 different guys. I had horribly low self esteem and somehow thought I was "better" than the girlfriends. I was trying to be the "cool girl" so much. It's funny because I didn't want to be in a relationship with these guys as they were cheaters but I liked the attention. The sex wasn't even that good ffs!
In the end I got sick of being someone's naughty little secret and having to lie and pretend all the time. Years later I went to therapy and wouldn't dream of doing it now (if I was single, I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years).
#27
Because I was/is happily single and did not want committed relationship anyway, and he was hot. I figured that him being in relationship and choosing to cheat is his problem, not mine. It ended because I moved to another country. .
doredde 8 months ago
Being the driver of the getaway car does not make you innocent, compared to the bankrobber. You KNEW, so it´s your problem as well. You just don´t MAKE it a problem for yourself, because it´s not very becoming. And that you KNOW. When you want to have casual sex (which is not the same as a whatever loosely commited relationship), look out for single men.
#28
I was 19, he was 39 and my manager. Now that I grow up and I see things from an outside perspective I feel completely disgusting about the whole situation and I feel very bad for her cause she never knew and I believe they got married in the end. Sorry not much to say I just need it to take it out of my chest...
#29
I didn't know I was a side chick, as soon as I found out I was out of that. I am not ever that desperate that I need to share a man. He did get the shock of his life when I left him.I think he had a huge ego and was used to being the one who did ghosting and dumping. Never will I be an enabler for a guy to continue treating girls that way. It did wake me up to how horrible some people are, horrible and unlovable to me. No man is that special in my opinion. I turned down some nice guys when I agreed to start seeing him as well, I hate the feeling of being fooled. I feel sorry for his partner, her life must be an insecure hell with him.
#30
They're poly and okay with it. I don't want to be in a relationship and this seems a safe way to stay off one. Has not ended.
What do you think ?
michelle s 8 months ago
Had close one, almost the case last year. Guy I had met online 9 months prior, & had 1 date with (no sex) contacted me again with excuse was clearing his phone & saw me. As had a bad experience with a previous guy online dating now backcheck guys pictures of guys on Google. Well in periiod between had found him on Facebook & had a suggestion of a woman that was friends with him on there. He was in her profile pic! A delve into her profile was that she had been with him for at least 2 years if not more, yes that's right he was with her when we had our date initially. And wait for the kicker she was due to have a baby in 2 months from him recontacting me. It was obvious to me that he was looking for sex & thought me an easy mark. I sent him a screenshot of their pic from her profile, with words "I'm not a sidechick". Blocked him & unfortunately to my knowledge she isn't aware of his antics as I would not break their family unit of now 3 kids
ADZ 8 months ago
Im a guy and I don't understand the stupidity of men destroying their lives for a root.
Load More Replies...
ConstantlyJon 8 months ago
I know someone who slept with a married man one time, on purpose, knowing he was married and being friends with their family for a long time. She eventually mailed an anonymous letter confessing to it. The couple are still together.
michelle s 8 months ago
Had close one, almost the case last year. Guy I had met online 9 months prior, & had 1 date with (no sex) contacted me again with excuse was clearing his phone & saw me. As had a bad experience with a previous guy online dating now backcheck guys pictures of guys on Google. Well in periiod between had found him on Facebook & had a suggestion of a woman that was friends with him on there. He was in her profile pic! A delve into her profile was that she had been with him for at least 2 years if not more, yes that's right he was with her when we had our date initially. And wait for the kicker she was due to have a baby in 2 months from him recontacting me. It was obvious to me that he was looking for sex & thought me an easy mark. I sent him a screenshot of their pic from her profile, with words "I'm not a sidechick". Blocked him & unfortunately to my knowledge she isn't aware of his antics as I would not break their family unit of now 3 kids
ADZ 8 months ago
Im a guy and I don't understand the stupidity of men destroying their lives for a root.
Load More Replies... ConstantlyJon 8 months ago
I know someone who slept with a married man one time, on purpose, knowing he was married and being friends with their family for a long time. She eventually mailed an anonymous letter confessing to it. The couple are still together.
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