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Woman Walks Out Of Home After “Professional Victim” Husband Brings Her To Her Knees
Wedding vows are supposedly sacred. You made a promise to each other to stick together through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, until death parts you.
But marriage isn’t for everyone, especially when two people end up creating a toxic union. This, unfortunately, happened to a woman who had endured her neurodivergent husband’s victim mentality for decades.
While the husband’s behavior is due to his mental condition, the author has reached her breaking point. She is now at a crossroads: does she leave and break her family apart, or does she stay and live miserably for the rest of her life?
RELATED:
Neurodivergent couples often face numerous challenges
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages (not the actual photo)
A woman went on a lengthy rant about her life with her husband diagnosed with a mental disability
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
She’s been unhappy for the majority of their marriage, often feeling her needs are not met
Image credits: Zinkevych_D (not the actual photo)
She also claims her husband has grown adept at playing the victim and had their children constantly side with him
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
The author has reached her breaking point and now seeks advice from the internet
Image credits: MyNextSteps
Lack of empathy is common among people diagnosed with Asperger’s
The husband’s lack of empathy, as described by the author, is a textbook symptom of people diagnosed with Asperger’s.
As Portland-based psychologist Dr. Kathy Marshack explained in an interview with Everyday Health, they tend to become more defensive because of their partner’s lack of understanding. As the relationship progresses, the emotional disconnect also tears the couple apart, bit by bit.
According to Dr. Marshack, the lack of intimacy and sexual connection is among the list of problems in a relationship with a neurodivergent spouse, which has deeply affected the woman. Parenting problems also arise and often leave the non-Asperger’s spouse frustrated.
“When children enter the picture, it’s often the demise of the relationship,” Dr. Marshack said.
The author painted a picture of what seems to be a hopeless situation, and in many other cases, ending the marriage may be the better option. However, she is still willing to make it work, which means not all is lost.
One way for her to cope would be to recognize her husband’s sensory issues, which, according to social work specialist Marci Wheeler, MSW, may affect intimacy.
In her article for the Indiana Institute on Disability and Community, Wheeler explained people with such mental struggles easily experience sensory overload. During these instances, she advises couples to develop signals that communicate overstimulation.
“If need be, this might mean taking two cars to an event so the ASD partner can exit the event and the non-ASD partner does not have to leave,” she wrote.
Wheeler emphasizes the importance of developing those signals as part of an effective communication strategy. She explains that conversations must be “clear, calm, and predictable,” wherein chore instructions must involve step-by-step directions, for example. Sticky notes or handwritten messages may also be helpful.
But if the problem becomes unbearable, seeking professional help is always an option. Dr. Marshack suggests having the spouse attend individual therapy first before going through couples counseling.
Therapy may be an option for the author and her husband if they both desire to keep their family intact. It may be arduous, but they must take the first step.
Image credits: Andrej Lišakov (not the actual photo)
Readers didn’t hesitate to provide counsel
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What do you think ?
FreeTheUnicorn 1 day ago
You're miserable leave. None of the other info matters. You have kids so do everything you can to make it an amicable split, but don't stay on a marriage when you're miserable.
Weasel Wise 19 hours ago
"He's not a bad guy" but when their son starts assaulting her, he tells her that she deserves it. But he's not a bad guy. Her àsshole husband has done a fantastic job of manipulating her and making her delusional to the real issues at hand...HIM.
AlithenewMC 1 day ago
The fact that her grown kids think they're allowed to scream at and push her...they've seen the way he's treated her over the years and how she tolerates it and are doing the same thing. And she gives in to them too. She needs to leave him, go lc with the kids, and get lots of therapy. She mentions dating in her 60s but she shouldn't even think about dating for several years, until she learns her worth and how to demand people treat her properly.
T'Mar of Vulcan 21 hours ago
A person with Asperger's is perfectly capable to taking clothes out of the washing machine and feeding animals. Her husband is lazy.
Lailu 1 day ago
Agree with other comments — go. Run. You can be ND and still an a*****e. Even if he’s “not meaning” to be an a*****e to OP, he still is, and that isn’t okay. Self-respect. Go.
TribbleThinking 19 hours ago
This! I wanted to point this possibility out! 🙂
Load More Replies...
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 day ago
If she didnt listen to her therapist, why would she listen to Reddit? She is also a "professional victim" at this point
MoMcB 22 hours ago
Get out. Get a good divorce lawyer- you have helped develop the small holding, you are entitled to some of its value. Refuse to see your adult kids unless they agree to families therapy- laying hands on anyone is not ok. You have to realise that you have done all you can and your help is unwelcome. You could live another 20 years like this- get out now.
BrownEyedPanda 17 hours ago
I doubt if she'd SURVIVE another 20 years like that.
Load More Replies...
Mark Vella 1 day ago
Marriage, where men won't change, but their wives want them to, and wives change but their husbands don't want them to
Nikki van Reenen 1 day ago
A friend of mine got married a few years ago. She said she's "sees so much potential in him". I told her that you're marrying the person who they are now, not what you hope them to be in the future.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 1 day ago (edited)
Your children are in a broken family already, with frequent fights that they get dragged into, and having to parentify both of you. Now it's turned physical. Your husband will NOT change, because he can't. He also can't help it, probably. Whether it's because of his diagnosis or his personality, or both - he does not care about you emotionally the way you do about him, and he never will. It sounds to me like he rolled into the expectations of life (spouse and house) all to ignore his issues. You need to leave. It doesn't matter if you get blamed, because you already get blamed, and, frankly. waiting around for 25 years for someone to change, is unwise and unhealthy for everyone. Leave. You've become a caretaker for someone who couldn't care less about what happens, and twists the truth to avoid any form or responsibility or reflection, either because he can't, or, worse even - he doesn't care.
Big Chungus 20 hours ago
I feel like if she is miserable she needs to leave, but I also feel that she expects his autism can be "cured". I am married to my husband who is autistic and I see some similarities, but I understand how autism is and works and know what his brain can and can't do. I know he will never be "cured" but I have accepted it and am fine with it.
Melissa Harris 17 hours ago (edited)
Since he's autistic I suspect he's also asexual and that's why he shuns intimacy. She needs to listen to her therapist and divorce. Neither are happy in the relationship and never have been. He married out of societal obligation and to have a live in maid. I suspect he doesn't just have autism but also some type of personally disorder.
Surly Scot 18 hours ago
"I've been treated like c**p for 25yrs by my spouse, now being treated like c**p by my kids who are starting to get physical/violent with me. I acknowledge this relationship has brought me to my wits end, i'm so unhappy that I had to walk out of our home. Husband shows no interest in me (in fact he seems to despise me as well as using me as a 2nd mother) and actively causes huge problems for my life and how the kids are functioning. Should I stay?". Can someone smack her please? She's become a professional victim like her husband.
Broadredpanda 15 hours ago
OMG LEAVE!!! It’s weird that he CAN’T change to show you just a bit of a loving side to him but, this MF calls your children and tells them that you’re not nice knowing they side with him. What a disgusting narcissistic sociopath your husband is! He knows exactly what he’s doing. Your children are disgraceful because of how they treat you. Show them these. Your husband is a vile POS! downvote me! I don’t give a damn
Midoribird Aoi 16 hours ago
One of the reasons I chose to never marry. I am very high functioning and work a public job...good masking...but I don't want to inflict myself and let them inside to my inner self, where they would harshly judge me.
SirWriteALot 22 hours ago
The fact that she's thinking about dating makes this a weird one for me. Also, the kids siding with their father ... kids aren't stupid. Who's to say OP isn't actually the one running everything and telling everyone what to do and spineless, timid and ND husband was just going along with it all.
OrangeStripey Hat 16 hours ago
Why is her mentioning dating making it weird for you? That is a logical step in future for herself if she becomes single, especially since she has stated she really wanted to experience a true partnership before she dies. Kids aren't stupid, but kids also don't see every side of the situation. That's where the manipulation comes in. People "running the show" usually don't feel the need to leave.
Load More Replies...
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 28 minutes ago (edited)
ND person here. Your husband is an abusive pos. The kids suck too. Leave now, and never look back.
Beth Wheeler 8 hours ago
My son's best friend has Asperger's and has more maturity and caring in his little toe than that jerk does. He was married for a few years to a girl who also had either Asperger's or Autism along with mental problems that she stopped taking her meds for. When I say this girl went off the deep end on him I'm not kidding. She was saying she was giving birth to Christ's baby, she wasn't pregnant. She refused to take her meds, he and her parents got her involuntarily committed. Luckily he had a prenup so she couldn't touch his house that he had bought with the inheritance from his mother when they divorced. She has been back in the mental hospital since then also So this guy is just a lazy uncaring jerk that could either have low testosterone or basically be impotent.
Nils Skirnir 10 hours ago
Not victim blaming, but OP should get individual counseling and a lawyer. Reason? Hated her husband forever, was a trad wife, had 5 kids with him, and now is afraid to leave. Guessing she had some major issues too. Doesn’t excuse hubby, but she also needs therapy.
Tonyah Mcanelly 11 hours ago
According to the poll I think you should seek therapy and separation . A break id a healthy thing for both of you . My husband and I started going down this path a few years ago . I went on a solo cross country road trip to be family from my side at the same time my first grandson was born. I took a six week break and stayed with my brother. and hung out with my sister and my kids they all live relatively close. It was exactly what we needed it was a reset button for both of us. This may not work for all couples but it helped us. we still have issues but we are working on them . Marriage is one of the most challenging things life throws at us. I admire people who have been together for several years,
Uncle Schmickle 13 hours ago
Get out of this toxic relationship and start a new life .... for YOU.
Atom Bohr 14 hours ago
There's just so much misery in this post and I feel for all of them. I feel so much for the husband, undiagnosed neurodivergent until later in life and clearly living with shame surrounding that, and with a wife who's spent a life-sentence demanding he change. For the wife who grew up being told that a good husband is a "project" that takes years of "training" to get, who never got what she wanted out of her marriage and was unable to see her husband would never be able to give her that, or that treating him the way she was was awful. The kids, growing up with a miserable mother, an ashamed father, and unmet neurodivergent needs, surrounded by all this misery and conflict.
Deborah B 15 hours ago
OP is miserable, but she is also being very unfair to her husband. He is not neurotypical, he is not able to give her what she wants from him, or change in the way she is demanding. The only way for them to have any sort of peace together would be for her to accept him as he is, stop trying to change him, and instead work to understand and support him. She needs to take a break, and consider what she wants from her life. Either divorce him, or work with a therapist experienced with ND/NT relationships, and learn how to live with him as his co-parent, personal assistant, and friend.
BoredPangolin 16 hours ago
Lots of red flags in the message. One of them is that she seems absolutely unwilling to speak her husband's language. She says he didn't worry about his cancer... but then describes his behaviour at that time and it screams anxiety to me. Having and expression emotions are two different things. I feel that she wants something she idealizes and he can't provide. Maybe she can try to find another man and see she can get all the nice gestures and kind words, and ALSO the reliability and investment of her man who worked hard to provide for 5 kids and her. Also, I am surprised at her complaining the kids are defending their father while she also says she's annoyed at what he DOESN'T do. He's not toxic. What if SHE is?
Lene 16 hours ago
The husband is ND, yes, but that does not excuse his awful behaviour. I can understand how a NT and a ND can have daily clashes (this happens between me and my partner) but even as a ND person you are capable of loving your partner and wanting to solve whatever issues there may be. But the husband in this case seem to not be interested in his family. Well, he is interested in USING his children to get his way but besides that it seems he just want to be alone and do whatever he wants to do. Alone. I think OP should leave and try to make herself a fantastic single-life with new hobbies and new friends and see if there may come some love-interest at some point. But I think OP really need to divorce the husband and find herself again as a single woman. I also think that she should go low-contact with the kids for a while so she can make herself strong and secure about who she is as a person again and then she can decide if she wants more time with the kids.
Betsy S 14 hours ago (edited)
I couldn't read it past the "high functioning autism" part. There are NO FUNCTIONING LEVELS in autism. Autism is autism. Just because from the whole buffet of autistic traits available, this person ended up with the ones that don't show on the outside, that does not make them "high-functioning" as evidenced by the relational problems this couple is having. A person is autistic. There is no "more" autistic or "less" autistic. There is just autistic with that person's specific selection of autistic traits. Some of which impact others a lot and some of which are invisible to others and only the autistic person has to suffer without anyone understanding or supporting these internal challenges.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 day ago
You're miserable leave. None of the other info matters. You have kids so do everything you can to make it an amicable split, but don't stay on a marriage when you're miserable.
Weasel Wise 19 hours ago
"He's not a bad guy" but when their son starts assaulting her, he tells her that she deserves it. But he's not a bad guy. Her àsshole husband has done a fantastic job of manipulating her and making her delusional to the real issues at hand...HIM.
AlithenewMC 1 day ago
The fact that her grown kids think they're allowed to scream at and push her...they've seen the way he's treated her over the years and how she tolerates it and are doing the same thing. And she gives in to them too. She needs to leave him, go lc with the kids, and get lots of therapy. She mentions dating in her 60s but she shouldn't even think about dating for several years, until she learns her worth and how to demand people treat her properly.
T'Mar of Vulcan 21 hours ago
A person with Asperger's is perfectly capable to taking clothes out of the washing machine and feeding animals. Her husband is lazy.
Lailu 1 day ago
Agree with other comments — go. Run. You can be ND and still an a*****e. Even if he’s “not meaning” to be an a*****e to OP, he still is, and that isn’t okay. Self-respect. Go.
TribbleThinking 19 hours ago
This! I wanted to point this possibility out! 🙂
Load More Replies... Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 1 day ago
If she didnt listen to her therapist, why would she listen to Reddit? She is also a "professional victim" at this point
MoMcB 22 hours ago
Get out. Get a good divorce lawyer- you have helped develop the small holding, you are entitled to some of its value. Refuse to see your adult kids unless they agree to families therapy- laying hands on anyone is not ok. You have to realise that you have done all you can and your help is unwelcome. You could live another 20 years like this- get out now.
BrownEyedPanda 17 hours ago
I doubt if she'd SURVIVE another 20 years like that.
Load More Replies... Mark Vella 1 day ago
Marriage, where men won't change, but their wives want them to, and wives change but their husbands don't want them to
Nikki van Reenen 1 day ago
A friend of mine got married a few years ago. She said she's "sees so much potential in him". I told her that you're marrying the person who they are now, not what you hope them to be in the future.
Load More Replies... Susie Elle 1 day ago (edited)
Your children are in a broken family already, with frequent fights that they get dragged into, and having to parentify both of you. Now it's turned physical. Your husband will NOT change, because he can't. He also can't help it, probably. Whether it's because of his diagnosis or his personality, or both - he does not care about you emotionally the way you do about him, and he never will. It sounds to me like he rolled into the expectations of life (spouse and house) all to ignore his issues. You need to leave. It doesn't matter if you get blamed, because you already get blamed, and, frankly. waiting around for 25 years for someone to change, is unwise and unhealthy for everyone. Leave. You've become a caretaker for someone who couldn't care less about what happens, and twists the truth to avoid any form or responsibility or reflection, either because he can't, or, worse even - he doesn't care.
Big Chungus 20 hours ago
I feel like if she is miserable she needs to leave, but I also feel that she expects his autism can be "cured". I am married to my husband who is autistic and I see some similarities, but I understand how autism is and works and know what his brain can and can't do. I know he will never be "cured" but I have accepted it and am fine with it.
Melissa Harris 17 hours ago (edited)
Since he's autistic I suspect he's also asexual and that's why he shuns intimacy. She needs to listen to her therapist and divorce. Neither are happy in the relationship and never have been. He married out of societal obligation and to have a live in maid. I suspect he doesn't just have autism but also some type of personally disorder.
Surly Scot 18 hours ago
"I've been treated like c**p for 25yrs by my spouse, now being treated like c**p by my kids who are starting to get physical/violent with me. I acknowledge this relationship has brought me to my wits end, i'm so unhappy that I had to walk out of our home. Husband shows no interest in me (in fact he seems to despise me as well as using me as a 2nd mother) and actively causes huge problems for my life and how the kids are functioning. Should I stay?". Can someone smack her please? She's become a professional victim like her husband.
Broadredpanda 15 hours ago
OMG LEAVE!!! It’s weird that he CAN’T change to show you just a bit of a loving side to him but, this MF calls your children and tells them that you’re not nice knowing they side with him. What a disgusting narcissistic sociopath your husband is! He knows exactly what he’s doing. Your children are disgraceful because of how they treat you. Show them these. Your husband is a vile POS! downvote me! I don’t give a damn
Midoribird Aoi 16 hours ago
One of the reasons I chose to never marry. I am very high functioning and work a public job...good masking...but I don't want to inflict myself and let them inside to my inner self, where they would harshly judge me.
SirWriteALot 22 hours ago
The fact that she's thinking about dating makes this a weird one for me. Also, the kids siding with their father ... kids aren't stupid. Who's to say OP isn't actually the one running everything and telling everyone what to do and spineless, timid and ND husband was just going along with it all.
OrangeStripey Hat 16 hours ago
Why is her mentioning dating making it weird for you? That is a logical step in future for herself if she becomes single, especially since she has stated she really wanted to experience a true partnership before she dies. Kids aren't stupid, but kids also don't see every side of the situation. That's where the manipulation comes in. People "running the show" usually don't feel the need to leave.
Load More Replies... The_Nicest_Misanthrope 28 minutes ago (edited)
ND person here. Your husband is an abusive pos. The kids suck too. Leave now, and never look back.
Beth Wheeler 8 hours ago
My son's best friend has Asperger's and has more maturity and caring in his little toe than that jerk does. He was married for a few years to a girl who also had either Asperger's or Autism along with mental problems that she stopped taking her meds for. When I say this girl went off the deep end on him I'm not kidding. She was saying she was giving birth to Christ's baby, she wasn't pregnant. She refused to take her meds, he and her parents got her involuntarily committed. Luckily he had a prenup so she couldn't touch his house that he had bought with the inheritance from his mother when they divorced. She has been back in the mental hospital since then also So this guy is just a lazy uncaring jerk that could either have low testosterone or basically be impotent.
Nils Skirnir 10 hours ago
Not victim blaming, but OP should get individual counseling and a lawyer. Reason? Hated her husband forever, was a trad wife, had 5 kids with him, and now is afraid to leave. Guessing she had some major issues too. Doesn’t excuse hubby, but she also needs therapy.
Tonyah Mcanelly 11 hours ago
According to the poll I think you should seek therapy and separation . A break id a healthy thing for both of you . My husband and I started going down this path a few years ago . I went on a solo cross country road trip to be family from my side at the same time my first grandson was born. I took a six week break and stayed with my brother. and hung out with my sister and my kids they all live relatively close. It was exactly what we needed it was a reset button for both of us. This may not work for all couples but it helped us. we still have issues but we are working on them . Marriage is one of the most challenging things life throws at us. I admire people who have been together for several years,
Uncle Schmickle 13 hours ago
Get out of this toxic relationship and start a new life .... for YOU.
Atom Bohr 14 hours ago
There's just so much misery in this post and I feel for all of them. I feel so much for the husband, undiagnosed neurodivergent until later in life and clearly living with shame surrounding that, and with a wife who's spent a life-sentence demanding he change. For the wife who grew up being told that a good husband is a "project" that takes years of "training" to get, who never got what she wanted out of her marriage and was unable to see her husband would never be able to give her that, or that treating him the way she was was awful. The kids, growing up with a miserable mother, an ashamed father, and unmet neurodivergent needs, surrounded by all this misery and conflict.
Deborah B 15 hours ago
OP is miserable, but she is also being very unfair to her husband. He is not neurotypical, he is not able to give her what she wants from him, or change in the way she is demanding. The only way for them to have any sort of peace together would be for her to accept him as he is, stop trying to change him, and instead work to understand and support him. She needs to take a break, and consider what she wants from her life. Either divorce him, or work with a therapist experienced with ND/NT relationships, and learn how to live with him as his co-parent, personal assistant, and friend.
BoredPangolin 16 hours ago
Lots of red flags in the message. One of them is that she seems absolutely unwilling to speak her husband's language. She says he didn't worry about his cancer... but then describes his behaviour at that time and it screams anxiety to me. Having and expression emotions are two different things. I feel that she wants something she idealizes and he can't provide. Maybe she can try to find another man and see she can get all the nice gestures and kind words, and ALSO the reliability and investment of her man who worked hard to provide for 5 kids and her. Also, I am surprised at her complaining the kids are defending their father while she also says she's annoyed at what he DOESN'T do. He's not toxic. What if SHE is?
Lene 16 hours ago
The husband is ND, yes, but that does not excuse his awful behaviour. I can understand how a NT and a ND can have daily clashes (this happens between me and my partner) but even as a ND person you are capable of loving your partner and wanting to solve whatever issues there may be. But the husband in this case seem to not be interested in his family. Well, he is interested in USING his children to get his way but besides that it seems he just want to be alone and do whatever he wants to do. Alone. I think OP should leave and try to make herself a fantastic single-life with new hobbies and new friends and see if there may come some love-interest at some point. But I think OP really need to divorce the husband and find herself again as a single woman. I also think that she should go low-contact with the kids for a while so she can make herself strong and secure about who she is as a person again and then she can decide if she wants more time with the kids.
Betsy S 14 hours ago (edited)
I couldn't read it past the "high functioning autism" part. There are NO FUNCTIONING LEVELS in autism. Autism is autism. Just because from the whole buffet of autistic traits available, this person ended up with the ones that don't show on the outside, that does not make them "high-functioning" as evidenced by the relational problems this couple is having. A person is autistic. There is no "more" autistic or "less" autistic. There is just autistic with that person's specific selection of autistic traits. Some of which impact others a lot and some of which are invisible to others and only the autistic person has to suffer without anyone understanding or supporting these internal challenges.
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