Relationships with kids can be complex enough as they are, not to mention having to navigate parenting after a divorce.

One netizen recently took to Reddit to discuss what life as a parent entailed for her husband after he started a new family with her. The couple was expecting their first child together, hoping that the husband’s daughters from his previous marriage would be excited about meeting their sibling. But his pregnant ex-wife—the girls’ mother—had the same hopes about her yet-to-be-born child, which might have been why she bought $1000 worth of gifts for her girls “from the baby”.

Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a professor of communication studies at University of Nebraska-Lincoln and expert in interpersonal and family communication, Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions about being a stepfamily.

This woman’s husband believed he had to spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for his daughters to keep up with his ex-wife

Image credits: bondarillia (not the actual image)

“AITA for refusing to spend a lot of money on gifts ‘from the baby’ to my stepdaughters?”

“My husband (33m) has two daughters (9 and 8) from a previous marriage. He shares custody of them with his ex wife Mina (33f). They divorced 7 years ago. I met him 5 years ago and we’re almost 2 years married now. This is my (30f) first biological child.

Things are tense between us and Mina. I mostly stay out of discussions between them because she does not like it and ultimately, the girls don’t need more tension between their two homes for the sake of me showing up.

That doesn’t mean I don’t discuss things with my husband or that I’m uninvolved. But when it comes to communicating with their mom, I don’t insist that my voice be heard equally like the two bio and legal parents.

My husband would like me to be an equal part of it. But tension is significantly less since I made the decision not to sit in on these discussions, which I would only go to support my husband but even that was something Mina disliked. I bring this up because this is being taken into consideration on this point.

Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual image)

A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, the girls told my husband Mina was pregnant. Mina is single, for anyone who asks, and is pregnant via a donor. They were really excited.

When we told them we were expecting they weren’t excited. They see their mom having a baby as different than me having a baby with their dad. We get along so this was a surprise. But they don’t see me as a parent so to them the baby isn’t a sibling.

While their mom’s baby has just their mom so they’re ‘real siblings’. This is something being addressed via therapy and my husband and I talking to them.

Now onto the gifts. Mina bought the girls roughly $500 worth of gifts each that they’ll get ‘from the baby’ when she’s born. My husband wanted us to do this too and he told me we need to match it at least because they already prefer their sister from mom and still don’t see their brother from us as a real sibling. Neither baby is born yet btw.

I told him I didn’t think we should spend a lot on gifts like that. My husband said he’s worried it’s just another negative for our son if we don’t. My husband’s parents found out through Mina about the gifts and they told us we better do better than that.

I told them it was an insane amount of money to spend for this. They accused me of not caring about the girls and not valuing a good relationship OR a good sibling relationship between them and my son. They think it’s unreasonable to not want to spend a lot of money in these circumstances.

AITA?”

Credits: Defiant_Customer_501

After getting a divorce, many people remarry and create a blended family

There are many families out there proving that relationships between their members can remain good even if the parents divorce. That includes everyone from moms and dads and their children, to ex-spouses themselves, and, in some cases, even their new partners.

It goes without saying that turning the page and moving on from a relationship, especially when there are kids involved, is not easy. But many people find themselves expanding their clan later in life, often by creating a so-called blended family, comprising their kids, their new partner, and the latter’s kids, if they have any.

As a matter of fact, over the last six decades or so, the number of kids living with two parents in their first marriage has decreased significantly, going from 73% in the 1960s to 46% in 2014 (in the US). The number of kids with two remarried parents, however, stayed somewhat the same, with roughly 15% of children living with a mom or a dad who has remarried, Pew Research Center reports.

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Image credits: Agung Pandit Wiguna (not the actual image)

Divorced parents competing against each other can have a strong detrimental influence on their children

Even though it is possible to foster a good relationship with kids—and the adults involved—after a divorce, the parents might have to deal with a completely new set of challenges after going their separate ways or after remarrying.

According to Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite, there is no one right way to be a stepfamily. But there are some things to keep in mind that can make being a family unit easier for everyone involved; and one of the most important ones is for adults—whether they’re the new couple or former partners—to be a united front.

“It is important that a remarried couple work together to come to their best ways to form their own working relationship and expectations as partners and parents,” Prof. Braithwaite noted in an interview with Bored Panda. “[In the OP’s case,] they need to consider how they will interact with children from the dad’s first marriage and any children from their own relationship as well as with external family members (the in-laws, for example) and others (for instance, friends or church members).”

The expert continued to point out that in this story, the father didn’t play the role he arguably should have. “He and his wife need to start now and develop a plan concerning how they are going to communicate and respond. They need to avoid competition with the ex-spouse and the other household. He should likely be the one communicating with his parents in this situation.”

Dr. Dawn O. Braithwaite emphasized that it’s important to avoid having different members of the stepfamily being “caught in the middle”, as it happened to the redditor, who was caught between the expectations of her in-laws, her husband, and her own views. “Eventually she will find herself caught in the middle with her stepchildren, if the couple does not handle this now.”

According to the expert, it’s also crucial to minimize competition between the parents, as it can be extremely detrimental to the children. “If they do this successfully, the adults do not find themselves caught in the middle and competing for children’s affection and children will not end up caught in the middle between their parents,” Dr. Braithwaite noted. “In our research, children look back and tell us that competition between their parents becomes difficult and painful for them.”

The expert suggested that the redditor, her husband, and his former partner need to work out what they will do and say and, if possible, come to an agreement between the two households. “They can work with the daughters to make plans for the birth of their new sister or brother in both houses—perhaps getting them ‘big sister’ T-shirts, tracking due dates on the calendar, reading a book about being a big sister, or letting them pick out a toy for the new babies. [They should] do and say the things that can help the girls be prepared to be a big sister and look forward to the new babies coming to both families.”

Before remarrying, it’s important to discuss such matters as finances and parenting changes

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), before remarrying—when one or both partners have kids—it’s important for partners to take three crucial steps: discuss financial and living arrangements, resolve any feelings and concerns about the previous marriage, and talk about parenting changes and decisions.

The first step entails making sure the couple is on the same page about how, if at all, they will share and spend the money and where they will live. It’s advisable for remarried couples to move into a new house rather than stay in one of the partners’ old residence, for a feeling of a fresh start.

Secondly, it’s recommended to try and make sure that no one—adults and children alike—is bringing unresolved anger or pain from the previous marriage. Lastly, it’s crucial to discuss the role of the stepparent and how they will interact with their stepchild(ren), as well as cover the changes in household rules after the parent remarries.

According to APA, young adolescents (age 10–14) are the group that finds it the most difficult to adjust to becoming a stepfamily; as they are still forming their identities, they might be a bit more difficult to deal with. That’s why experts advise that the biological parent should be the one responsible for disciplining the child, while the stepparent should aim to establish a role resembling that of a friend or a camp counselor.

In her post, the OP shared that the role she established entailed being involved in the lives of her stepdaughters and discussing matters related to them with her husband. However, she refrained from discussing such matters with the girls’ mother, as that tends to create tension, which rarely ever makes family relationships better.

Unfortunately, the tension was impossible to avoid as after the ex-wife bought $1000 worth of gifts for her girls “from the baby”, the OP’s husband started wondering if they should do the same, which the redditor refused to do. Fellow netizens also seemed to share differing opinions on the matter, which they expressed in the comments section.

Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual image)

Most people didn’t think the woman was a being a jerk in the situation

Some, however, shared a different opinion

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