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“I Don’t Feel Like I Owe Her Anything”: Woman Refuses To Take In Sister’s 3 Kids After She Passes Away From Cancer
As much as we would like to say we could do anything for our family, the reality is usually a little more nuanced than that. Relationships with our closest people are often tested, and sadly, some challenges turn out too big for them.
Such was the case for Reddit user InterestingStaff6566 and her sister. The two of them drifted apart during their teens, and had not been in touch for years. Recently, however, the situation changed after InterestingStaff6566 was contacted by her sibling—the woman informed that she was terminally ill. The bad news also came with one request: she wanted InterestingStaff6566 to adopt her three children.
But after much deliberation, the sister refused. People immediately started calling her selfish and blaming her for the tough decision. Their words eventually got into her head and made her question her judgment, so she turned to the “Am I the A***ole?” community, asking for their opinion. Here’s what she wrote.
RELATED:
Recently, a terminally ill woman reached out to her sister whom she had cut ties with long ago, and asked her to adopt her three kids
Image credits: Vitolda Klein (not the actual photo)
But the sibling said no
To help us understand the situation a little better, we contacted Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What — bold and authentic, Stone consistently tackles difficult subjects and, among other topics, has produced plenty of insightful texts on parenting.
“Becoming a parent overnight of one child already requires a huge level of self-sacrifice but three really would be an unspeakable level of overwhelm and would be exceptionally difficult,” she told Bored Panda. “However, you do hear of people who have taken on such a role, but one cannot even begin to fathom how difficult this would be, especially for a child-free person who has no prior experience of parenting.”
“Having said that, we humans are incredibly adaptable, surprisingly resilient, and capable of dealing with challenges worse than this and to balance out all of the difficulties of assuming this parenting role, as well as the struggles there, would no doubt be plenty of upsides of having your life enriched in this word,” Stone added. “But yes, it would take a seismic shift in perspective and lifestyle.”
Being responsible for another life is a huge commitment. There can be plenty of issues even on the surface — the family’s budget. For example, according to a Policygenius survey, 45% of parents say they were not financially prepared to have a child. But raising a child is much more than finding the money to feed them and send them to school.
“When you become a parent, you pretty much have to shed your own self and sense of identity,” Talya Stone said. “You have to become completely selfless and put your children first, and there is a huge part of you that will grieve for the person you were before.”
“You lose yourself for some time, but you do eventually get yourself back. People think they will simply become a parent and just get on with things. The truth is becoming a parent is a painfully steep learning curve. You will be tested to your limits over and over, but then be rewarded by plenty of good times and joy also.”
However, Stone doesn’t think that any mom or dad can ever be fully ready for what’s ahead of them. “Whatever your expectations of parenthood are, it is bound to be completely different. But I would say it’s important to live your life first so that you can be better placed to not resent the sacrifices you make because being a parent is effectively one big sacrifice. Going in with low expectations is my advice!”
While it’s probably impossible to judge InterestingStaff6566 in this exact spot, Stone has huge respect for people who take on others’ children after a sudden tragedy. “I can’t even begin to imagine how their lives would become so different in a blink of an eye. It is certainly a baptism of fire into the world of parenting!”
People thought it was a tough decision but, if anything, OP wasn’t in the wrong
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What do you think ?
Beth L 3 years ago
The mother should stop wasting time with the sister and move on to working with a Christian adoption agency to get the kids placed and transitioned to the idea of "mommy is going to die and you're going to go live with a new mommy and daddy"
Troux 3 years ago
I think this is the most practical way out. Foster homes exist for a reason. I hope all of the pro-life advocates are registered to adopt. 🙃
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Nadine Bamberger 3 years ago
It's a heartbreaking decision, but I can understand her reasoning. She and her husband are aware they won't be fit parents, the children would suffer for it and it's not like they've already established a close relationship. Maybe the mom should take time to look for people who'd be glad to take them in and give them a home instead of pressuring someone into a role that's just not a good fit. NTA
DDmaybeandor 3 years ago
I wanna know about sister’s friends. Where do they get off? I don’t understand the logic as a friend. Who would be like, “It’s best to ship them off to a country they haven’t been to with a person they don’t know and a language they don’t understand directly after their mom dies”, rather than saying “It’s best if I take them myself, as your friend”. If that’s not a valid option as someone who knows them, why would it be a valid option for someone who’s never met them? Just stupid.
Anna Banana 3 years ago
It's just much easier to make difficult decisions on sombody else's behalf.
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Zoe's Mom 3 years ago
This is a tough one but I understand. I took in 2 of my 5 nephews after I turned in my sister to CPS. The other 3 were older and on their own. I'm glad I did it as she got herself together but honestly, I hated it. I was so glad when they were able to go back to her. I too, never wanted kids.
Heather G 3 years ago
It makes you a badass and a hero for doing it. Hats off.
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Francisco Manuel Teruel Gutiérrez 3 years ago
Well... I don't know what to say, and I can't live other people lives... but I would take the children with me.
Otter 3 years ago
Of course, many people would. But I wouldn't, like the OP I don't consider myself to be adequate parent/guardian material. That's also a valid choice, that puts the welfare of the children as the top priority.
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Ace Girl 3 years ago
Such a sad situation, I hope the kids get the love and care they need. NTA, but I also feel sad for the terminally ill mother. I can't imagine what it is like trying to make sure your kids will be cared for after your inevitable death. Heartbreaking.
Lola 3 years ago
Heartbreaking to say the least. The children are left to suffer the consequences.
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Foxxy (The Original) 3 years ago
NTA, It's a life changing decision that could destroy her marriage, that's not fair on her. She has chosen not to have children and guilt tripping her into taking them will just cause resentment towards the kids. Yes of course it is extremely sad for those children but she is no more responsible for them like anyone else.
Gaby Almodovar 3 years ago
Of course, NTA. Very sad, that a young woman is terminally ill, but the consequences of her actions can't be pressed to be taken by somebody else, even she is a family-member. It's just the cherry, that the sister was cheating on her husband, and was idiot enough not to use protection, while she is "religious".
Wistiti 3 years ago
If you ignore that they are siblings, as OP says, they are practically strangers. I don't think I'd ask strangers to take my children if I was dying. But seeing as she won't or can't ask her friends.... that says a lot about her. I feel sorry for the kids. I'm glad I'm not in OP's shoes. It's a tough decision.
Anna Banana 3 years ago
I'd say they're less close than strangers. Stranger implies neutrality. I'd argue that it's an active decision to go from sisters to basically strangers. You may lose touch with childhood friends, but it's quite something to completely lose touch with your siblings. Sorry, I don't know if I'm explaining this right.
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Beth L 3 years ago
The mother should stop wasting time with the sister and move on to working with a Christian adoption agency to get the kids placed and transitioned to the idea of "mommy is going to die and you're going to go live with a new mommy and daddy"
Troux 3 years ago
I think this is the most practical way out. Foster homes exist for a reason. I hope all of the pro-life advocates are registered to adopt. 🙃
Load More Replies... Nadine Bamberger 3 years ago
It's a heartbreaking decision, but I can understand her reasoning. She and her husband are aware they won't be fit parents, the children would suffer for it and it's not like they've already established a close relationship. Maybe the mom should take time to look for people who'd be glad to take them in and give them a home instead of pressuring someone into a role that's just not a good fit. NTA
DDmaybeandor 3 years ago
I wanna know about sister’s friends. Where do they get off? I don’t understand the logic as a friend. Who would be like, “It’s best to ship them off to a country they haven’t been to with a person they don’t know and a language they don’t understand directly after their mom dies”, rather than saying “It’s best if I take them myself, as your friend”. If that’s not a valid option as someone who knows them, why would it be a valid option for someone who’s never met them? Just stupid.
Anna Banana 3 years ago
It's just much easier to make difficult decisions on sombody else's behalf.
Load More Replies... Zoe's Mom 3 years ago
This is a tough one but I understand. I took in 2 of my 5 nephews after I turned in my sister to CPS. The other 3 were older and on their own. I'm glad I did it as she got herself together but honestly, I hated it. I was so glad when they were able to go back to her. I too, never wanted kids.
Heather G 3 years ago
It makes you a badass and a hero for doing it. Hats off.
Load More Replies... Francisco Manuel Teruel Gutiérrez 3 years ago
Well... I don't know what to say, and I can't live other people lives... but I would take the children with me.
Otter 3 years ago
Of course, many people would. But I wouldn't, like the OP I don't consider myself to be adequate parent/guardian material. That's also a valid choice, that puts the welfare of the children as the top priority.
Load More Replies... Ace Girl 3 years ago
Such a sad situation, I hope the kids get the love and care they need. NTA, but I also feel sad for the terminally ill mother. I can't imagine what it is like trying to make sure your kids will be cared for after your inevitable death. Heartbreaking.
Lola 3 years ago
Heartbreaking to say the least. The children are left to suffer the consequences.
Load More Replies... Foxxy (The Original) 3 years ago
NTA, It's a life changing decision that could destroy her marriage, that's not fair on her. She has chosen not to have children and guilt tripping her into taking them will just cause resentment towards the kids. Yes of course it is extremely sad for those children but she is no more responsible for them like anyone else.
Gaby Almodovar 3 years ago
Of course, NTA. Very sad, that a young woman is terminally ill, but the consequences of her actions can't be pressed to be taken by somebody else, even she is a family-member. It's just the cherry, that the sister was cheating on her husband, and was idiot enough not to use protection, while she is "religious".
Wistiti 3 years ago
If you ignore that they are siblings, as OP says, they are practically strangers. I don't think I'd ask strangers to take my children if I was dying. But seeing as she won't or can't ask her friends.... that says a lot about her. I feel sorry for the kids. I'm glad I'm not in OP's shoes. It's a tough decision.
Anna Banana 3 years ago
I'd say they're less close than strangers. Stranger implies neutrality. I'd argue that it's an active decision to go from sisters to basically strangers. You may lose touch with childhood friends, but it's quite something to completely lose touch with your siblings. Sorry, I don't know if I'm explaining this right.
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