As much as we would like to say we could do anything for our family, the reality is usually a little more nuanced than that. Relationships with our closest people are often tested, and sadly, some challenges turn out too big for them.

Such was the case for Reddit user InterestingStaff6566 and her sister. The two of them drifted apart during their teens, and had not been in touch for years. Recently, however, the situation changed after InterestingStaff6566 was contacted by her sibling—the woman informed that she was terminally ill. The bad news also came with one request: she wanted InterestingStaff6566 to adopt her three children.

But after much deliberation, the sister refused. People immediately started calling her selfish and blaming her for the tough decision. Their words eventually got into her head and made her question her judgment, so she turned to the “Am I the A***ole?” community, asking for their opinion. Here’s what she wrote.

Recently, a terminally ill woman reached out to her sister whom she had cut ties with long ago, and asked her to adopt her three kids

Image credits: Vitolda Klein (not the actual photo)

But the sibling said no

To help us understand the situation a little better, we contacted Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What — bold and authentic, Stone consistently tackles difficult subjects and, among other topics, has produced plenty of insightful texts on parenting.

“Becoming a parent overnight of one child already requires a huge level of self-sacrifice but three really would be an unspeakable level of overwhelm and would be exceptionally difficult,” she told Bored Panda. “However, you do hear of people who have taken on such a role, but one cannot even begin to fathom how difficult this would be, especially for a child-free person who has no prior experience of parenting.”

“Having said that, we humans are incredibly adaptable, surprisingly resilient, and capable of dealing with challenges worse than this and to balance out all of the difficulties of assuming this parenting role, as well as the struggles there, would no doubt be plenty of upsides of having your life enriched in this word,” Stone added. “But yes, it would take a seismic shift in perspective and lifestyle.”

Being responsible for another life is a huge commitment. There can be plenty of issues even on the surface — the family’s budget. For example, according to a Policygenius survey, 45% of parents say they were not financially prepared to have a child. But raising a child is much more than finding the money to feed them and send them to school.

“When you become a parent, you pretty much have to shed your own self and sense of identity,” Talya Stone said. “You have to become completely selfless and put your children first, and there is a huge part of you that will grieve for the person you were before.”

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“You lose yourself for some time, but you do eventually get yourself back. People think they will simply become a parent and just get on with things. The truth is becoming a parent is a painfully steep learning curve. You will be tested to your limits over and over, but then be rewarded by plenty of good times and joy also.”

However, Stone doesn’t think that any mom or dad can ever be fully ready for what’s ahead of them. “Whatever your expectations of parenthood are, it is bound to be completely different. But I would say it’s important to live your life first so that you can be better placed to not resent the sacrifices you make because being a parent is effectively one big sacrifice. Going in with low expectations is my advice!”

While it’s probably impossible to judge InterestingStaff6566 in this exact spot, Stone has huge respect for people who take on others’ children after a sudden tragedy. “I can’t even begin to imagine how their lives would become so different in a blink of an eye. It is certainly a baptism of fire into the world of parenting!”

People thought it was a tough decision but, if anything, OP wasn’t in the wrong

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