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“Am I The Jerk For Kicking Out An Intellectually Disabled Young Woman From My Party?”
When Reddit user Goodyhushp and her husband recently threw a BBQ party, they thought they’d have a fun evening with some friends. However, the couple ended up in what seemed like a lose-lose predicament from a moral point of view.
Their intellectually disabled neighbor showed up uninvited and started mingling with the guests. The woman and her husband contacted her parents and asked them to pick her up, but they didn’t see a problem that their daughter was among a group of drinking strangers, and thought the couple were being too egoistic, robbing her of a good time.
Unsure what to think of the situation, Goodyhushp explained what happened to the ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ community, asking for their opinions.
This woman and her husband threw a BBQ party for their friends
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
But an intellectually disabled young woman showed up uninvited
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: goodyhushp
No doubt J’s parents are having a difficult time and deserve our sympathy. (And they’re not alone, there are over 7 million people with intellectual disabilities in the US).
Physically, chronologically and legally, the young woman is (most likely) an adult. But while many of her peers are at university or working, facing endless potential, J seems to be stuck in (some sort of) limiting childhood.
And while other parents can step back from their responsibilities as their kids grow up, hers are forever on duty.
Restricted intellect means limited opportunities and relying in the long term on social security. For all their interdependence, these people’s circle of friends tend to be small and limited to others with intellectual disabilities and family members, further compounding their isolation.
So her desire to meet and spend time with someone else is also completely understandable.
But while adults with intellectual disabilities should be encouraged to develop routines that involve more stimulating pursuits, such as regular exercise or opportunities to interact with others, ultimately, it’s not their neighbors’ duty.
People thought the couple had every right to ask her to leave, and that her parents must do better
What do you think ?
Lauren Caswell 2 years ago
I understand their guilt, but I lean towards NTA. And I didn't expect to when I clicked this. Of course the parents want social stuff for their daughter (and perhaps some wee breaks). But given the property isn't ideal in that the areas have no physical boundary, it's easy to guess how this young lady may view the backyard as a large, enjoyable space with fun ppl. However: It is not OPs responsibility, and she has tried to do this with minimum harm and fuss. Even if the young lady had no intellectual disabilities, OP isn't obliged to keep her as a guest. I have physical disabilities (spina bifida occulta), and although that's different I understand OPs fear of insulting someone due to their disability. But equity is normalizing disability, and in this case the young lady was treated like any uninvited guest, disabled or not.
Cold Contagious 2 years ago
The most important comment in the post is the first one. The potential for abuse to occur to J is extremely high and her parents are completely negligent. It would appear that she's disabled to the point that she can't live alone, and they probably are "Representative Payees" over her disability check, because she likely cannot manage her finances either. It's not like a full conservatorship like Britney Spears was under, but probably they just control her finances and they may have power of attorney, something to that effect. I worked with people with Developmental Disabilities and MR for 7 years managing a home for a lady. Her parents are putting her at risk by not having better control over her care. While the people who visit OP may be harmless, there may be many others in the neighborhood that are not harmless and will take advantage of J's situation. There are day programs, personal one on one programs, and respite care providers, available for J. Cont below.
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Michelle C 2 years ago
Would I be right to guess that if she wasn't disabled and showed up uninvited and you asked her to leave this wouldn't be an issue right? Disability or not an uninvited guest is an uninvited guest. Also they need to go and have a stern conversation with the parents...they seem to have boundary issues and think it's ok to make their daughter their neighbors problem.
keighterz 2 years ago
My son has cp and autism and honestly we would prefer people treat him like everyone else and not infantilize him.
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Lauren Caswell 2 years ago
I understand their guilt, but I lean towards NTA. And I didn't expect to when I clicked this. Of course the parents want social stuff for their daughter (and perhaps some wee breaks). But given the property isn't ideal in that the areas have no physical boundary, it's easy to guess how this young lady may view the backyard as a large, enjoyable space with fun ppl. However: It is not OPs responsibility, and she has tried to do this with minimum harm and fuss. Even if the young lady had no intellectual disabilities, OP isn't obliged to keep her as a guest. I have physical disabilities (spina bifida occulta), and although that's different I understand OPs fear of insulting someone due to their disability. But equity is normalizing disability, and in this case the young lady was treated like any uninvited guest, disabled or not.
Cold Contagious 2 years ago
The most important comment in the post is the first one. The potential for abuse to occur to J is extremely high and her parents are completely negligent. It would appear that she's disabled to the point that she can't live alone, and they probably are "Representative Payees" over her disability check, because she likely cannot manage her finances either. It's not like a full conservatorship like Britney Spears was under, but probably they just control her finances and they may have power of attorney, something to that effect. I worked with people with Developmental Disabilities and MR for 7 years managing a home for a lady. Her parents are putting her at risk by not having better control over her care. While the people who visit OP may be harmless, there may be many others in the neighborhood that are not harmless and will take advantage of J's situation. There are day programs, personal one on one programs, and respite care providers, available for J. Cont below.
Load More Replies... Michelle C 2 years ago
Would I be right to guess that if she wasn't disabled and showed up uninvited and you asked her to leave this wouldn't be an issue right? Disability or not an uninvited guest is an uninvited guest. Also they need to go and have a stern conversation with the parents...they seem to have boundary issues and think it's ok to make their daughter their neighbors problem.
keighterz 2 years ago
My son has cp and autism and honestly we would prefer people treat him like everyone else and not infantilize him.
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