Parenting is wonderful, but don’t let anyone tell you that it’s easy—it can be beyond exhausting. That’s why it’s so important that both partners find a way to share the childcare and housework between them. It’s not fair if one parent has to shoulder most of the burden by themselves or if communication breaks down.

Redditor u/Lackinghappily3 recently went viral after sharing how she reacted to her husband’s birthday gift, even though she’d made it clear that all she wanted was some alone time, away from the kids. You’ll find the full story, as well the AITA online community’s verdict, below.

Bored Panda reached out to the author of the story, u/Lackinghappily3, and she was kind enough to answer our questions. The author explained that her husband is great and they’re both happy. “I was just a little frustrated when I made the post,” she said.

An important part of any relationship is dividing up the chores and childcare in a fair and practical way

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual image)

One mom asked the internet for a verdict after she snapped at her husband for the birthday gift he gave her

Image credits: Los Muertos Crew (not the actual image)

Image credits: Lackinghappily3

“Women should not be driving the men to do every little thing”

“My husband makes 3 times what I do, so he feels justified that I take on more domestic labor,” redditor u/Lackinghappily3 told Bored Panda.

We asked the author about fairly balancing the childcare and housework, and what could convince men to pitch in more at home.

“Men need to understand that executive function within the household is the primary issue. Knowing what needs to be done at all times: a load of laundry needs to move to the dryer, the dishwasher needs to be started, the trash needs to go to the curb, the baby is low on diapers, it’s about an hour from bedtime we need to start baths, etc.,” she explained.

“Women should not be driving the men to do every little thing,” the author told Bored Panda.

Meanwhile, redditor u/Lackinghappily3 had some advice for new parents who are feeling overwhelmed with everything.

“Marriage counseling is great if you have a great man/partner,” she said.

“My husband is great. Just very aloof which probably stems from his ADHD and head trauma from the military. We are happy and working on things because we love our children and each other. I was just a little frustrated when I made the post,” she explained.

Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual image)

Having some time for yourself is absolutely essential for all parents

Let’s just get this out of the way so everyone’s on the same page: parenting is very important, but parents are more than just parents. They’re human beings with their very own likes and dislikes, dreams and fears, ambitions and even secrets. For example, just because someone becomes a parent doesn’t automatically make them not want privacy anymore. Just because you need some alone time does not make you a ‘bad’ parent… it means you’re human.

Having some alone time is incredibly important. You can use that time to exercise or meditate, focus on your hobbies and passions, meet up with the other people in your life whom you care about, or… simply take a bath and a very long (very overdue) nap. If all you ever do is take care of others, your own physical, mental, and emotional health can suffer.

It’s only by taking care of ourselves first and foremost that we’re able to give others the best care possible. Ideally, this means that parents balance their responsibilities at home and work in such a way that they’re both well-rested and focused. In the meantime, someone who’s forced to take on most of the responsibilities at home might start resenting what they do and suffering from empathy fatigue.

What’s important here is communication. Both partners need to learn to clearly communicate what they feel and what they need, and to actively listen to each other’s needs. To put it bluntly, if your partner tells you, straight up, that they need some time alone, make that happen.

Sometimes, no matter how good our intentions are, we’re giving our loved ones what they don’t need at the moment. We need to set our egos aside and really hear what they’re saying. Cakes and kayaks are awesome. But when you’re exhausted and haven’t had any time to yourself for ages, can you really be blamed for snapping? We and most of the majority of the AITA online community think not. Cakes aren’t a priority here. They’re nice. And the effort is appreciated. But they’re a tone-deaf way of dealing with important issues.

Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual image)

Women still bear most of the childcare and housework, even in equal marriages

It’s possible to appreciate the cake and all the effort that went into making it while also reminding your partner that it’s not what you wanted. Neither is the kayak! Sometimes, a very simple gift is better than anything elaborate or extremely fancy. Actions really do speak louder than words. Getting your hands dirty with the chores at home is a good way to show that you care about your partner, that you respect them, and that you understand that parenting is meant to be a shared responsibility.

Research shows that even in equal marriages, where men and women earn the same, the latter still end up doing more housework and childcare. “Even as financial contributions have become more equal in marriages, the way couples divide their time between paid work and home life remains unbalanced,” the Pew Research Center states.

“Husbands in egalitarian marriages spend about 3.5 hours more per week on leisure activities than wives do. Wives in these marriages spend roughly 2 hours more per week on caregiving than husbands do and about 2.5 hours more on housework,” the study notes.

Obviously, perfectly dividing up these hours between both partners is next to impossible. What matters here is that couples find a balance that works for their family and unique situation. After all, one person might be working more hours or have more flexibility when it comes to WFH. Or the other person might have a side hustle and prefer to be a stay-at-home parent.

Image credits: Yakup Polat (not the actual image)

More than the gifts themselves, what truly matters is for your partner to feel loved, understood, and appreciated

At the end of the day, even though gifts are nice, they aren’t the most vital thing in relationships. Dating expert Dan Bacon, from The Modern Man, put it very nicely during an earlier interview with Bored Panda: “Gifts are definitely not essential for a happy, healthy relationship unless you’re with someone who places a lot of importance on gifts. What’s most important for most people is that they feel loved, respected, understood, wanted, and appreciated.”

However, if you do need some ideas for some gifts, the expert shared a few spot-on ideas with us. “For a younger couple in their teens, a teddy bear, a cute trinket, or an inexpensive piece of jewelry is usually something a girl will cherish receiving from her boyfriend. It doesn’t need to be any more original than that when in a very young relationship,” Bacon said.

“For a couple in their 20s that have been together for many years, it can be a wide range of things: perfume, luxury pajamas with slippers, a puppy or kitten, tickets to a stage show she has been wanting to see, along with a gift voucher for her to buy a dress at her favorite store, etc.”

“For a married couple who’ve been together for over a decade, it can also be a wide range of things depending on the woman’s interests. Scented candles, a handy charging station for all her devices rather than just having them strewn everywhere in a mess on her bedside table, a new set of high-quality pots and pans, perfume and moisturizer from the same brand in a pack, a painter’s startup kit (e.g. easel, palette, paints, canvasses) so she can try out painting as a hobby.”

Image credits: Antoni Shkraba (not the actual image)

The author shared some more context about what happened in the comments of her post

Many readers thought that the mom did nothing wrong. They discussed what happened with her

Here’s what some other internet users had to say. Most of them thought the mom was completely in the right

However, some readers had a very different opinion. They were far more critical of the author’s reaction

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