Money isn’t everything, but it certainly does make the world go ‘round. Especially when you’re a parent and your top priority is ensuring that you can care for your little ones. But is it vital for your partner to earn the same amount that you do? Well, for some people, it is. 

Below, you’ll find a post that one hard working mom recently shared on MumsNet detailing why she’s been becoming less and less attracted to her partner as of late, as well as an interview with Adam Kol, aka The Couples Financial Coach.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it might help your relationship become more stable

Image credits: puhhha (not the actual photo)

One mom shared online that she has been considering ending her relationship due to how little her partner earns

Image credits: KaterynaKet (not the actual photo)

Image source: OreganoOregano

While it’s understandable not to want to pay for everything, it’s actually quite common for one partner to contribute more financially to a relationship

In the same way that we don’t choose our friends based on their level of income, we don’t choose our romantic partners in that way either. (Well, we shouldn’t!) The heart wants what the heart wants. And as it turns out, the heart does not often care about income levels, as 74% of Americans report having some sort of financial imbalance in their relationship. For many people, it doesn’t matter if their partner earns less than they do, as their relationship isn’t based on finances and there are plenty of other ways significant others can contribute to the relationship, such as taking on more household responsibilities or getting creative with dates that don’t cost much.

But for some people, such as the woman in this particular story, the financial imbalance can cause friction between partners. One might feel guilty for not being able to earn as much, while the other might become resentful that their partner cannot pay for as many activities, as many meals, cannot afford to go on as many vacations, and cannot purchase as many gifts. One partner might also feel a lot of pressure if they’re the higher earner, knowing that they are responsible for financing the majority of the relationship.

Money consistently ranks as one of the top issues couples fight about, married or not, so it’s important to be on the same page as your partner when it comes to your financial status. To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to Adam Kol, The Couples Financial Coach, who was kind enough to have a chat with us. “Unfortunately, it is common for couples to break up over a financial imbalance if they are unable to come together, communicate, and create a plan,” he told Bored Panda.

This financial imbalance can sometimes cause one partner to feel guilty and the other to feel resentful

Image credits: insidecreativehouse (not the actual photo)

“Finances are a daily issue in our adult lives, so how a person handles money should be part of the equation when choosing a partner,” Adam shared. “In this particular case, if the original poster feels this relationship is worth fighting for, then I have a few suggestions: She was financially abused in her last relationship, which likely left her with emotional wounds that will continue showing up in any relationship until she works towards healing them. She gets to decide whether her current relationship is the right one for taking on that work.”

Adam also urges the mom to have a conversation with her partner about these concerns. “It sounds like she’s talked to him about earning more, but go further—discuss financial expectations and boundaries, your history and relationships with money, and so on,” the financial coach told Bored Panda. “Especially given her past experience with financial abuse, [she] may have some fear around setting financial boundaries. That’s completely understandable, yet unfortunately will likely lead to frustration, resentment, and misunderstandings.”

To build financial intimacy, Adam says both partners need to open up about their experiences with money growing up and in past relationships, how those experiences affect them today, and their financial values, ambitions, needs and expectations moving forward. “These conversations will build a strong foundation for them to tackle topics like who should pay for what,” he noted.

Adam also provided a plan for how couples can work to bridge the responsibility gap between them when there is a significant financial imbalance. “Step one is to acknowledge and discuss the gap, whether you’re the payor or the recipient,” he shared. “Get the issue out there, share how it feels for each of you to be in the position you’re in, and move towards a shared understanding of boundaries, expectations, and an approach to handling money within your relationship that feels good for both of you.”

But at the end of the day, whether the relationship will succeed or not depends on both parties’ priorities

Image credits: Rene Asmussen (not the actual photo)

“The most straightforward way to bridge the responsibility gap is to have the one who pays for less take on more non-monetary tasks, i.e. domestic and emotional labor,” The Couples Financial Coach continued. “This makes more sense when a couple is deeply committed and/or living together, so it may not be too useful the original poster’s situation. Another idea is to consciously adopt an ethic that values each person’s efforts equally. Meaning if we both work hard for 40 hours a week, then we don’t worry about who earns more or less and focus on how to have our household thrive.”

At the end of the day, Adam recommends all couples with an income gap simply communicate. “Lean into the discomfort and talk about it. Acknowledge it out loud, and share how it feels to be on either side of the dynamic, including any fears or worries that come along with it,” Adam told Bored Panda. “Then, talk about how you can work with the dynamic so that things feel fair and equitable, understanding that ‘fair’ is hard to define and doesn’t necessarily mean equal. Keep in mind that the goal is to make things as good as possible for the family as a whole, which will give the whole conversation a better tone.”      

If you do happen to earn the same amount as your partner, you’re in the lucky minority. Because according to one study, couples who are both at the same income level are more likely to stay happily in love. One possible reason for this is “the marriage bar”, or the fact that couples are more likely to commit to getting married when they both reach a certain level of affluence. But there are plenty of couples out there who make it work on only one income as well. In fact, nearly half of all spouses whose partner earns $250k a year or more don’t work at all.

So ultimately, a couple’s stability depends on many factors outside of their financial earnings. We would love to hear your thoughts on this topic in the comments below, pandas. Would it bother you if your partner earned significantly more or less than you? Or do you consider other factors to be much more important in your relationship? Feel free to continue the conversation in the comments, and then if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing conflicts that arise when one partner earns more than the other, we recommend reading this story next. And if you’re looking for more financial guidance for you and your partner, be sure to visit The Couples Financial Coach’s website right here! 

In this case, some readers agreed with the mom that it is time to end the relationship

While others thought she was being too hard on her partner

One reader even recommended ways that the couple could try to find a healthy compromise

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