If an event is truly important, you have to put in the effort to remember it, personally. Whether that’s setting literally dozens of reminders on your phone or buying a physical calendar, putting it on your desk, and using a fat red pen to draw a ton of exclamation marks. It’s not other people’s responsibility to remind you of things. And no, your partner certainly isn’t your secretary.

Redditor u/Quiet-Guidance turned to the AITA online community for their insights after sharing a spot of family drama. She explained how her husband’s family berated her for not reminding him of important dates, including his own mother’s birthday. Scroll down for the full story, as well as to see what the internet had to say about this tense situation.

If an occasion important enough to you, you’ll find a way to remember it. Ideally, you shouldn’t burden others to remind you

Image credits: olia danilevich (not the actual photo)

One woman turned to the internet for advice after her husband’s family got mad at her because she wouldn’t remind him of important dates

Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Quiet-Guidance

Not everyone is going to value birthday celebrations the same

Look, we know, we know—pretty much all of us have missed at least a birthday or two. Some of us also have so many things going on that we miss half the important dates each year. And before we know it, it’s time to forget about yet another anniversary!

The fact of the matter is that what dates we remember is a good indication of what we value the most. So, for instance, if you’ve memorized the lineup of your top video game releases for the upcoming year, it’s clear that you value your hobby a lot. However, if you’re constantly missing everyone’s birthdays, it might simply indicate that you don’t put as much value on celebrating them as others might.

A card, a phone call, a gift sent via courier, or a surprise visit—these are all small ways that you can surprise your relatives if they live far away. But the thing is, you have to be honest with yourself about how far you want to go each year. If you genuinely feel like it’s a chore and that your entire life revolves around sending cards and gifts every month to everyone you care about, it might be prudent to simply admit it and take a step back.

If you’re bad at remembering dates, you can surprise your loved ones throughout the year, instead

Yes, others can remind you of birthdays and other important dates, but nobody can force you to care if you, well, don’t. And living up to everyone’s expectations can be quite exhausting. In that case, it’s best to focus on just a handful of dates that really do matter to you. Or to find other ways to show your loved ones that you care about them, throughout the year.

A home-cooked dinner, a romantic date, a small gift that someone mentioned a while ago—how you can surprise your loved ones depends entirely on your creativity. In fact, it can be a lot of fun to take them completely unaware. Especially if they expect you to forget about them this year (again).

Arguments don’t have to turn into fights, as long as everyone’s willing to hear each other out

Whenever you get into an argument with your partner or a family member, it’s vital that you stay in control of your emotions as much as possible. Even if you’re completely in the right, it’s often best to de-escalate the conflict and look for some sort of compromise. You have to consider whether you want to find a solution to the dilemma or if you want to prove that you’re right, at any cost.

Neuropsychologist Judy Ho, Ph.D., told NBCNews that once you’ve explained how you feel, you ought to move on to finding the solution. “Once you’re in the problem-solving phase, take a collaborative approach. Spend some time brainstorming ways to solve the problem and don’t judge each other’s ideas. Then, mutually pick one that sounds like a good compromise to both of you and commit to trying it out,” she said.

According to the expert, couples should also avoid being overly dramatic. So using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ is out the window because all you’ll be doing is forcing your partner to get defensive. Stay grounded. Be less personal.

Meanwhile, Marriage.com urges couples to “let the small things go” and only argue about what truly matters. What’s more, arguments don’t have to devolve into fights: they can be conversations, so long as both sides are open and honest with each other, and willing to actively listen to each other’s perspectives. It can also help to remember that nobody is ever perfect. And only you know for a fact which of your partner’s flaws you can tolerate and which ones cross all of your boundaries.

Some internet users wanted to understand the situation better, so they asked the author some questions

Most readers were on the woman’s side. Here’s what they had to say

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