Cutting off your hair can be exhilarating and freeing. You might decide to do a dramatic chop after going through a huge life change or simply because you’re bored and in need of some excitement. But having to lose or shave off your hair when you don’t want to can be traumatizing and heartbreaking. 

Below, you’ll find a post that a concerned father recently shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, detailing how his wife and his daughter both ended up with shaved heads recently, as well as some of the replies invested readers left him.

This man’s wife has been battling cancer and ended up losing her hair to chemotherapy

Image credits: Thirdman (not the actual photo)

But when his daughter came home with a shaved head too, he wondered whether the cut was really her choice

Image credits: George Milton (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)

Image credits:  ChoiceDisastrous4432

Image credits: Ika and Lukas (not the actual photo)

Many people are emotionally attached to their hair

We all have attachments to our hair. Whether you think it’s your best feature or not, getting a haircut can be extremely emotional. Many of us choose to drastically change our hair following a breakup to signal a new beginning, and getting a bad haircut can leave us sobbing and hiding out in bed for hours. A “bad hair day” can be enough to ruin your mood, and a “good hair day” can make you feel on top of the world. “It’s likely we are hardwired to feel emotionally connected to our hair,” psychologist Vivian Diller, PhD, told Well and Good. “We’ve associated it with status, wealth, and royalty since ancient times. Thick, rich hair has always meant health, sensuality, and youth, so it continues to mean that to women today.”

While it’s perfectly normal to be emotionally tied to our hair, this can make it all the more devastating when we lose it due to reasons outside of our control. There are a variety of reasons why this may happen, including hereditary hair loss, age, alopecia areata, cancer treatment, hair care or hairstyles, and other illnesses or stressors. Chemotherapy is, of course, a common reason cancer patients lose their hair, like the mother in this story. According to Pharmacy Times, about 65% of individuals undergoing chemotherapy will experience hair loss. But this can take a huge emotional toll on patients. 47% of female cancer patients consider hair loss to be the most traumatic aspect of undergoing chemo, and 8% say they would even decline treatment for fear of hair loss.

Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)

Having to lose your hair can be extremely traumatic

The psychological impacts of hair loss can be even greater than many people realize. BioStock reports that because hair is such a key part of so many of our identities, hair loss, especially when sudden, can trigger stress, anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, social phobia, personality disorders, and sometimes even suicidal ideations. While losing hair can take a toll on anyone, it’s often even harder for women to deal with than men. That’s why the mother in this particular Reddit post might not know what to do with her frustration, sadness, anger, and whatever else she may be feeling due to the loss of her hair. But that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to take her emotions out on her daughter. 

Shaving your head to show support for a loved one who has cancer is not a new idea, and it can sometimes be a great way to show that you care. But it’s certainly not the only way to show support, and it should never be expected of family or friends. The father noted in his post that he’s concerned his wife may have manipulated their daughter into shaving her head, which is possible given the different stories they both told him. According to Private Therapy Clinic, some of the tell-tale signs of a manipulative parent are someone who invalidates your feelings, emotionally blackmails, gaslights and someone who withholds affection.

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)

But trauma is not an excuse to manipulate loved ones and damage relationships

Based on what this teenage girl told her father, it appears that her mother completely disregarded her feelings to pressure her into shaving her head. And she threatened to withhold affection, or “never forgive her,” if she refused to shave her head. Navigating a relationship with a manipulative spouse or parent can be incredibly challenging, but Healthline says that the best first step is to call them out on their behavior. Let them know how their actions make you feel, and set clear boundaries. And of course, find support. Having cancer is traumatic, but having a mother or wife who is battling cancer can be traumatic as well. Finding a trusted therapist is always a great step to take, even if this man and his daughter don’t think they are going through as much as the mom.

We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this father was right to call out his wife? Or would you have handled the situation differently? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing toxic parents, we recommend checking out this list next!     

Concerned readers assured the father that he was right to defend his daughter, pointing out how unhealthy his wife’s behavior is

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