“We Are Separating”: Childfree Woman Changes Her Mind, Leaves Wife Devastated
According to research, married couples who disagree about having children are twice as likely to divorce. And today’s story highlights this statistic.
Reddit user Mindonfire_ never wanted kids, something she and her spouse had agreed on when they got together. But things took a drastic turn one day when her wife suddenly had a change of heart.
It was unfortunate for the couple, leaving the original poster (OP) devastated and regretful for the lack of understanding.
Married couples who disagree about having children are automatically in a tough spot
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
The pair in this story agreed not to have kids, until one of the spouses began to think twice
Image credits: seleznev_photos / envato (not the actual photo)
The wife grew serious about her desires, which led to the end of their nine-year marriage
Image credits: mindonfire_
The reluctance to have children among LGTBQ couples often has a deep-rooted reason
Image credits: RDNE Stock project /pexels (not the actual photo)
The situation between the OP and her spouse is nothing new within the LGBTQ community. Likewise, most couples finalize this decision early on.
Author and law school professor John Culhane wrote an article for Slate in which he interviewed 48-year-old philosophy professor John Corvino. Corvino refuses to co-parent with his 43-year-old husband, Mark Lock.
“Corvino’s early recognition that he didn’t fit in with standard-issue heterosexuality led him first to the priesthood and then into a full embrace of his gay identity,” he wrote.
“He told me that, while he’d been able to shift his view to one in which he could marry the person he loved, he hadn’t made the same leap when it came to parenting.”
Prof. Culhane has two children with his husband, but he recognizes how complicated parenting can be for same-sex couples.
“For gay men in particular, expanding our families to include children requires ‘extra steps.’ While parenting is just something that ‘sort of happens’ for opposite-sex couples, both adoption and surrogacy require great effort and, therefore, an intentionality born of some amount of self-searching.
“For LGBTQ people there’s an added layer of complexity that will likely always keep it a decision reached after careful consideration, rather than an expectation fulfilled or denied.”
Divorce isn’t the only solution for couples who disagree about having kids
Image credits: Pixabay / pexels (not the actual photo)
Other experts say the story of the OP and her wife doesn’t necessarily have to end in divorce.
For licensed marriage and family therapist Anita Chlipala, talking things through is still viable. However, she stresses the importance of asking the right questions.
“‘Why’ questions often put the other person in the position of having to defend, explain, rationalize, justify, and ‘prove’ their choices,” she told Very Well Mind.
“A question like ‘How did you arrive at this decision?’ or ‘What shifted you to this choice at this time?’ is less argumentative and allows you to explore the issue with kindness, curiosity, and compassion.”
Chlipala delved further and encouraged deeper conversations that dug through the meat of the matter.
“Address fears and have an action plan for each fear if applicable. This will also let you know if you and your partner have similar ideas.”
Unless they’ve exhausted all available options, the couple could’ve tried to find a compromise. However, they seem to have finalized their decision to part ways, which is a sad end to this story.
Most commenters felt sorry for the OP and her situation
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Some people are being unnecessarily cruel towards OP's ex-partner. It's very painful, but one can and is allowed to change their mind about wanting a child. That doesn't mean you were being dishonest, you simply changed your opinion on/feelings towards something. Whether you think the reasons for wanting one are legit or not, is irrelevant. It's mean to want to not take someone seriously because you think they're just having transient baby-fever or are 'manipulating you through exposure'. It's sexist and disrespectful to wave it of as 'just hormones' as much as 'you'll change your mind when you get older' is about not wanting kids. Also, just because you think baby clothes are cute doesn't mean you don't take having a kid seriously, sheesh. 'It's not a doll', no of course it isn't but you're allowed to find baby clothes cute.
It's possible the fixation on the clothes was to be able to assess if he was open to changing his mind.
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As a childfree by choice woman, the comments about this woman are awful. It's not illegal to change your mind about having children. It's a sad situation for both of them, but kids are not something you can compromise on. Either you have them and one partner is unhappy, or you don't and the other partner is unhappy. Sadly a break up is the best option.
I'm also child free by choice and I completely agree with everything you have said. If my partner changed his mind I'd be devastated but we'd have to split up. I feel sorry for both the women in this story and hope the wife doesn't change her mind again at a later date.
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The desire to want to have children is not always a conscious choice. Just like a nine year old might be grossed out by the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. They mean it honestly when they say they never want to have one. However, hormone-balance in you body changes during uour life, especially for women. Just like you can't blame that nine year old for wanting a partner at the age of 19, you can't really blame a woman for wanting a baby, even if she did not want it before. Yes, a pregnant sister may trigger it, but the desire was already lingering for a while, according to OP.
The vitriol, and nastiness expressed for this poor woman is undeserved. She's allowed change her mind. It doesn't make her wrong, it doesn't make her dishonest. Also we are only getting this one person's interpretation of WHY she changed her mind. The desire for a child is much deeper then wanting a "cute doll". The liklihood of OP giving a full and honest account of her feelings, which she admits she can't understand, is slim to none. (edit for gender of OP)
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Some people are being unnecessarily cruel towards OP's ex-partner. It's very painful, but one can and is allowed to change their mind about wanting a child. That doesn't mean you were being dishonest, you simply changed your opinion on/feelings towards something. Whether you think the reasons for wanting one are legit or not, is irrelevant. It's mean to want to not take someone seriously because you think they're just having transient baby-fever or are 'manipulating you through exposure'. It's sexist and disrespectful to wave it of as 'just hormones' as much as 'you'll change your mind when you get older' is about not wanting kids. Also, just because you think baby clothes are cute doesn't mean you don't take having a kid seriously, sheesh. 'It's not a doll', no of course it isn't but you're allowed to find baby clothes cute.
It's possible the fixation on the clothes was to be able to assess if he was open to changing his mind.
Load More Replies... As a childfree by choice woman, the comments about this woman are awful. It's not illegal to change your mind about having children. It's a sad situation for both of them, but kids are not something you can compromise on. Either you have them and one partner is unhappy, or you don't and the other partner is unhappy. Sadly a break up is the best option.
I'm also child free by choice and I completely agree with everything you have said. If my partner changed his mind I'd be devastated but we'd have to split up. I feel sorry for both the women in this story and hope the wife doesn't change her mind again at a later date.
Load More Replies... The desire to want to have children is not always a conscious choice. Just like a nine year old might be grossed out by the idea of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. They mean it honestly when they say they never want to have one. However, hormone-balance in you body changes during uour life, especially for women. Just like you can't blame that nine year old for wanting a partner at the age of 19, you can't really blame a woman for wanting a baby, even if she did not want it before. Yes, a pregnant sister may trigger it, but the desire was already lingering for a while, according to OP.
The vitriol, and nastiness expressed for this poor woman is undeserved. She's allowed change her mind. It doesn't make her wrong, it doesn't make her dishonest. Also we are only getting this one person's interpretation of WHY she changed her mind. The desire for a child is much deeper then wanting a "cute doll". The liklihood of OP giving a full and honest account of her feelings, which she admits she can't understand, is slim to none. (edit for gender of OP)
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