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Family dynamics can get messy, particularly when there is money involved. Similarly, marriages tend to work best when both parties are on the same page regarding rules and values. So it can be pretty disconcerting to learn that your spouse is making choices that completely disregard previous agreements.
A netizen wondered if they were wrong to reduce their contributions to the household budget after their wife ignored an agreement they had since 1998. Despite agreeing to charge their adult children rent if they lived with them, the wife suddenly backtracked. We reached out to the person who shared the story via private message and will update the article when they get back to us.
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Married folks tend to sit down and work out plans for the future
Image credits: Viktoria Slowikowska / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But one person was taken aback when their wife started making unilateral financial decisions
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Local-Effective-613
Image credits: Lukas / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Many adult children pay rent to their parents
Kids living with their parents well into adulthood is more common than one might think. A 2024 Pew Research Center study found that roughly one third of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 are living with at least one parent. Setting aside the fact that some might live with their parents to take care of them (around 33% of respondents suggest this is the case for them), the real issue is cost-of-living increases that keep young adults “trapped” in their childhood homes.
However, this shouldn’t be taken as some sort of “proof” that younger generations are mooching off of their parents. In many cases, the adult children still pay some form of rent. The aforementioned study found that three quarters helped in some way, from covering groceries to contributing to utility bills. At least half paid their parents rent. There are children who take this hospitality too far, which is why parents do need to have a solid set of rules in place.
Given the skyrocketing costs of rent in some places, it’s not surprising that parents would go the extra mile to help their children stay afloat. Good universities might be located in cities with exorbitantly high rents. Generally, the rent a parent might charge their child is going to be less than a landlord somewhere else. This isn’t to say that a parent should treat their offspring like helpless children forever, but there is some room to adjust.
The same study found that most parents (55%) didn’t report their child living with them as a financial burden or advantage. Only 27% said it negatively affected them. Ultimately, there is not a one-size-fits-all solution to this question. Every family is different, but what is always important is for everyone to at least be on the same page.
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Every family has to agree on what works for them
This is the real crux of the matter in this story. If a family wants to charge rent, that is ok. If they don’t care and let their kids live at home for free, that is up to them. But if you happen to have an agreement with your spouse, you should at least talk to them before breaking it. Similarly, allowing the youngest to live rent-free might be fine in a vacuum, but it’s pretty clear the mother never considered that it looks like blatant favoritism.
No child likes seeing their parents always side with a sibling. Similarly, if you grew up with specific rules, for example, if you aren’t in college, you will need to pay rent, it can be frustrating to see those rules flaunted because your parents decided your sibling was more worthy. Young people make choices and sacrifices based on the rules their parents set out for them.
However, there are a few other issues in this story. The person who shared it does say that their wife did most of the childcare. Most likely they didn’t ask them for advice every single time since 1998, so perhaps she just decided that this was her call to make. Similarly, cutting one’s contributions is pretty petty, when this is actually a good opportunity to discuss what to do. Money is often a touchy subject, which is why it has to be treated with respect.
A marriage can’t be built on passive-aggressive gestures after all. “I chose to ignore the agreement just like you did” is childish. She should have been confronted sooner instead of waiting for her to notice the cut contribution. It’s not at all a bad idea to talk to your spouse about their unilateral decisions, but gestures like this are just petty and antagonizing.
Some folks needed more details
A few readers thought the wife’s actions were just favoritism
Others thought both parties were wrong
Some saw the wife’s side
What do you think ?
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
I notice the YTAs don't bother addressing the issue of the adult child who lives at home, does not contribute to household expenses (including the food they eat), and doesn't want to get a job OR go to college. That adult child has it made and knows it. They'll live rent-free at home for as long as they can milk it for. That being said, OP is being hasty on the "they have no mental issues/conditions". It behooves everyone - parents and adult child alike - to have the adult child at least tested for autism/ADHD. Could be that they're just lazy, but OP may not be the best judge of whether or not they do or do not have an issue/condition.
Temple 4 months ago (edited)
According to the OP's response, he has been offered jobs, he has refused every one of them. He did try to work and found that he couldn't. On one hand, I think OP is partly to blame for how this kid turned out. On the other hand, I have seen the very "best parents" raise children who become a******s.
Load More Replies...
The Starsong Princess 4 months ago (edited)
I wonder what answer his wife would give if asked if their youngest was struggling with mental illness or neurodivergence. I bet she wouldn’t say he’s just fine but lazy like op says They need marriage and family counseling desperately.
Becky Samuel 4 months ago
The cold and dismissive way that this man talks about his own child is very worrying. I had to go back and double-check at one point because I thought that he must surely be talking about a stepchild that came into his life as a teen - not his own flesh and blood.
Kerry Fletcher 4 months ago
A*****e. You give your wife a set amount? What is she your employee? Is this 1953? It's a marriage. Joint everything responsibility.
Angela C 4 months ago
From the perspective of the other siblings, I'd feel really resentful if I was expected to pay my own way and my younger sibling got a literal free pass. This is going to cause a major rift between siblings. That said I agree that the youngest should be held to the standard that his older siblings were but dad's approach leaves something to be desired. Leaning towards ESH
Nimitz 4 months ago
1/4 minimum wage is a pretty good deal, if it's rent on an apartment for yourself. 1/4 minimum wage plus groceries is what you would expect to pay if you're renting a room with 3-5 roommates and renting a full house/large apartment. The dude is renting rooms to his kids at full market price. A hell of a lot of things have changed since 1998 and this post seems heavily weighted to make the kid look bad, but I bet there's a lot more going on than he's willing to say.
Scott Rackley 4 months ago
You know why "assumes facts not in evidence" is a legitimate objection in court don't you?
Load More Replies...
FluffyDreg 4 months ago
Esh because neither handled this maturely. Youngest, instead of sitting down with mom and dad to explain his issues and try to get support, got mom to let him off without responsibilities. Mom, instead of talking with Dad about the changes she felt was needed to support youngest cut him out of it. Dad because instead of talking to her about how disrespectful and counter intuitive it is to make these decisions on her own chose to be petty.
Upstaged75 4 months ago (edited)
Letting the youngest kid mooch and do absolutely nothing is how you create a lazy, entitled adult. He doesn't want to go to school and he's refusing to take jobs. That's not how the world works. He's going to have a rude awakening at some point. Also, I have severe depression and anxiety. But I've never used it as an excuse for not behaving like an adult. I take my meds, go to therapy, and I still work full time to support myself. I put myself through grad school too. So the people giving him an out because he "might" have an issue are letting him off too easy.
Tristan J 4 months ago
Having kids you acknowledge you didn't actively raise, and calling them 'her poor little baby' (not even 'our') is not the sign of a healthy parental relationship. If you can't care for your kids, emotionally and financially, don't have them. If you think that preparing them for life is teaching them the purpose of life revolves around working, at the detriment of everything else, what is even the point of them living? Does that mean they need to feel entitled? No. Should they be entitled to more parental love and support than getting from the OP? Yes, they didn't ask to be brought into the world. The wife will divorce him as soon as the youngest moves out.
Load More Replies...
Nizumi 4 months ago
I'm curious to know the ages of these kids. I hear a lot of 20-somethings complaining about not finding work *they want to do*. I know I know - it's not all Millennials and GenZs - I'm not saying it is. This could easily just being a phase the youngest is going through. But his mum is not helping him in any way if she doesn't honour the agreement she and her husband made. It doesn't matter how long ago they made the it - it's a good one. It gives their children a solid foundation for dealing with the financial side of life, while still giving them a good safety net.
Manny 4 months ago
NTA at all. This is the problem with the new generation doing exactly this. Don't want to go to school or work and then still expect mommy and daddy to wipe their little butts until they are 50 or older. It's pathetic. Maybe this youngest needs a quick lesson on being an adult when you kick them out. This kid has no mentality issues just lazy.
Simon Jahn 2 months ago
in my honest opinion... the husband is mentally r******d ;) ... since when is a deal more important than necessities ? ;(
Pattie Cox 3 months ago
One of the posters said the father wanted to take ¼ of his earnings. Not so. He said ¼ of the current full time minimum wage. So if the minimum wage is $8.00 he would pay $80 a week. Chances are that he would have a job that pays more and he would still pay the same amount. I’m sure his brother and sister make a good amount above minimum wage but still pay the $80. Sounds like a fair arrangement to me. I work in a nice, large grocery store and we pay everyone more than minimum wage. If there are mental health issues or other challenges, staying for free should be contingent on getting help. Other posters are right- you do your kids no favors if you don’t introduce them to the responsibilities of adult life.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 months ago (edited)
Guess we know who the wife's favourite child is....
Max Fox 4 months ago
How many of the YTA are moochers, living at home with pushover parents, or wish they were? A quarter of minimum wage comes out to less than $4,000 a year. If the kid can't find a job, I'm pretty certain that he could reach an agreement to contribute to the household in other ways.
Bartlet for World Domination 4 months ago
In this post OP may (or may not) be right but he does sound insufferable to me, and I'm a degree of left wing that would scare Americans.
Load More Replies...
LakotaWolf (she/her) 4 months ago
I notice the YTAs don't bother addressing the issue of the adult child who lives at home, does not contribute to household expenses (including the food they eat), and doesn't want to get a job OR go to college. That adult child has it made and knows it. They'll live rent-free at home for as long as they can milk it for. That being said, OP is being hasty on the "they have no mental issues/conditions". It behooves everyone - parents and adult child alike - to have the adult child at least tested for autism/ADHD. Could be that they're just lazy, but OP may not be the best judge of whether or not they do or do not have an issue/condition.
Temple 4 months ago (edited)
According to the OP's response, he has been offered jobs, he has refused every one of them. He did try to work and found that he couldn't. On one hand, I think OP is partly to blame for how this kid turned out. On the other hand, I have seen the very "best parents" raise children who become a******s.
Load More Replies... The Starsong Princess 4 months ago (edited)
I wonder what answer his wife would give if asked if their youngest was struggling with mental illness or neurodivergence. I bet she wouldn’t say he’s just fine but lazy like op says They need marriage and family counseling desperately.
Becky Samuel 4 months ago
The cold and dismissive way that this man talks about his own child is very worrying. I had to go back and double-check at one point because I thought that he must surely be talking about a stepchild that came into his life as a teen - not his own flesh and blood.
Kerry Fletcher 4 months ago
A*****e. You give your wife a set amount? What is she your employee? Is this 1953? It's a marriage. Joint everything responsibility.
Angela C 4 months ago
From the perspective of the other siblings, I'd feel really resentful if I was expected to pay my own way and my younger sibling got a literal free pass. This is going to cause a major rift between siblings. That said I agree that the youngest should be held to the standard that his older siblings were but dad's approach leaves something to be desired. Leaning towards ESH
Nimitz 4 months ago
1/4 minimum wage is a pretty good deal, if it's rent on an apartment for yourself. 1/4 minimum wage plus groceries is what you would expect to pay if you're renting a room with 3-5 roommates and renting a full house/large apartment. The dude is renting rooms to his kids at full market price. A hell of a lot of things have changed since 1998 and this post seems heavily weighted to make the kid look bad, but I bet there's a lot more going on than he's willing to say.
Scott Rackley 4 months ago
You know why "assumes facts not in evidence" is a legitimate objection in court don't you?
Load More Replies... FluffyDreg 4 months ago
Esh because neither handled this maturely. Youngest, instead of sitting down with mom and dad to explain his issues and try to get support, got mom to let him off without responsibilities. Mom, instead of talking with Dad about the changes she felt was needed to support youngest cut him out of it. Dad because instead of talking to her about how disrespectful and counter intuitive it is to make these decisions on her own chose to be petty.
Upstaged75 4 months ago (edited)
Letting the youngest kid mooch and do absolutely nothing is how you create a lazy, entitled adult. He doesn't want to go to school and he's refusing to take jobs. That's not how the world works. He's going to have a rude awakening at some point. Also, I have severe depression and anxiety. But I've never used it as an excuse for not behaving like an adult. I take my meds, go to therapy, and I still work full time to support myself. I put myself through grad school too. So the people giving him an out because he "might" have an issue are letting him off too easy.
Tristan J 4 months ago
Having kids you acknowledge you didn't actively raise, and calling them 'her poor little baby' (not even 'our') is not the sign of a healthy parental relationship. If you can't care for your kids, emotionally and financially, don't have them. If you think that preparing them for life is teaching them the purpose of life revolves around working, at the detriment of everything else, what is even the point of them living? Does that mean they need to feel entitled? No. Should they be entitled to more parental love and support than getting from the OP? Yes, they didn't ask to be brought into the world. The wife will divorce him as soon as the youngest moves out.
Load More Replies... Nizumi 4 months ago
I'm curious to know the ages of these kids. I hear a lot of 20-somethings complaining about not finding work *they want to do*. I know I know - it's not all Millennials and GenZs - I'm not saying it is. This could easily just being a phase the youngest is going through. But his mum is not helping him in any way if she doesn't honour the agreement she and her husband made. It doesn't matter how long ago they made the it - it's a good one. It gives their children a solid foundation for dealing with the financial side of life, while still giving them a good safety net.
Manny 4 months ago
NTA at all. This is the problem with the new generation doing exactly this. Don't want to go to school or work and then still expect mommy and daddy to wipe their little butts until they are 50 or older. It's pathetic. Maybe this youngest needs a quick lesson on being an adult when you kick them out. This kid has no mentality issues just lazy.
Simon Jahn 2 months ago
in my honest opinion... the husband is mentally r******d ;) ... since when is a deal more important than necessities ? ;(
Pattie Cox 3 months ago
One of the posters said the father wanted to take ¼ of his earnings. Not so. He said ¼ of the current full time minimum wage. So if the minimum wage is $8.00 he would pay $80 a week. Chances are that he would have a job that pays more and he would still pay the same amount. I’m sure his brother and sister make a good amount above minimum wage but still pay the $80. Sounds like a fair arrangement to me. I work in a nice, large grocery store and we pay everyone more than minimum wage. If there are mental health issues or other challenges, staying for free should be contingent on getting help. Other posters are right- you do your kids no favors if you don’t introduce them to the responsibilities of adult life.
The_Nicest_Misanthrope 4 months ago (edited)
Guess we know who the wife's favourite child is....
Max Fox 4 months ago
How many of the YTA are moochers, living at home with pushover parents, or wish they were? A quarter of minimum wage comes out to less than $4,000 a year. If the kid can't find a job, I'm pretty certain that he could reach an agreement to contribute to the household in other ways.
Bartlet for World Domination 4 months ago
In this post OP may (or may not) be right but he does sound insufferable to me, and I'm a degree of left wing that would scare Americans.
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