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“Am I The [Jerk] For Telling My Wife She Owes Me An Apology For These Last Seven Years Of Marriage?”
Interview With Expert
Living with a scatterbrained partner is like signing up for a lifetime scavenger hunt, especially when they refuse to accept they might be suffering from ADHD. Their knack for turning any flat surface into a cluttered masterpiece might feel endearing at first, but after a few years, it’s more of a daily endurance challenge.
Between the endless piles of “important stuff” and their ability to be late to their own plans, it’s a lot to handle. Just ask our Redditor – he has been dealing with his wife’s undiagnosed ADHD for 7 years and he’s finally had enough.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Marrying a scatterbrain might be cute at first, but no one warns you about the avalanche of “might need this later” piles and chronic tardiness
Image credits: Kaboompics.com / Pexels (not the actual photo)
One man suspects his wife has ADHD because of her chaotic behavior, tries to convince her to get diagnosed for 7 years, but she always refuses
Image credits: Timur Weber / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The woman’s issues only got worse after marriage, and she and her husband had to buy a larger house because of her need for more storage space
Image credits: Alex Green / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Despite the man trying to convince his wife for years to get diagnosed, she only began to take it seriously when one of her friends suggested the exact same thing
Image credits: SampleLongjumping208
Now that her ADHD diagnosis is confirmed, the man asked his wife for an apology for putting him through years of stress and refusing to get tested sooner, as he suggested
Our 32-year-old OP (that’s “original poster” for the uninitiated) and his scatterbrain wife have been married for 7 years. But, instead of living a fairytale, he has been buried under mountains of clutter while dodging emotional outbursts like a pro ninja.
According to the OP, his wife’s disorganization started as a quirky trait during their dating years. But once they got married, it escalated into a full-blown lifestyle, and they even had to buy a larger house because of it.
Two entire bedrooms swallowed whole by stuff became off-limits for our OP, and even his sacred office wasn’t safe. That’s when OP started to suspect that ADHD might be at play here. Logical, right? Well, yes, but every time he brought it up, his wife hit him with emotional meltdowns so epic, they deserved a standing ovation.
This went on for 7 years – the OP trying to convince his wife to get herself tested for ADHD and the wife pretending like she didn’t hear him. That is until one of her besties suggested the exact same thing. Suddenly, it was groundbreaking advice. If you’re rolling your eyes right now, I’m right there with you.
When his wife finally got diagnosed, she came home marveling about how much sense it all made. The OP, feeling a tiny bit validated, asked for an apology for the years of emotional labor he’d endured. You know, because living with a partner with ADHD can be challenging. But instead of gratitude, he got yelled at.
Image credits: Alex Green / Pexels (not the actual photo)
ADHD, or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, is one of the most common mental disorders that affects approximately 8.4% of children and 2.5% of adults. For the person experiencing it, ADHD can mean endless mental clutter, impulsivity, and a constant struggle to focus, even on tasks they care about. For partners? It can feel like a full-time job, keeping things afloat.
The thing is, untreated ADHD often comes with an emotional price tag—frustration, guilt, and tension. The good news? Getting a diagnosis can be life-changing. With the right tools—think therapy, medication, and routines—ADHD doesn’t have to be the uninvited guest wrecking your home, or your relationship.
To find out more about this topic, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Amanda E. Ferguson, psychologist, author, and podcast host, for some comments. She told us that adults with ADHD often develop coping strategies to manage their symptoms, sometimes even choosing career paths that align with their challenges. For instance, someone might prefer a job that doesn’t require prolonged focus or mental strain, such as working in customer service, where tasks are often more varied and less mentally demanding.
We asked Dr. Ferguson what the potential consequences are of living with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD. She explained that living with untreated ADHD can negatively impact various aspects of life, including mental health, relationships, and work performance. Individuals may struggle with self-esteem, productivity, and even confidence.
We wanted to know how living with someone with ADHD affects the partner who is not suffering from it. Dr. Ferguson explained, “Without a diagnosis or correct medication, it can be deeply frustrating, disappointing, and confusing. It can push the partner away, cause them to become parental, which kills respect, trust and passion.”
She also mentioned that once the person with ADHD understands their condition and begins treatment, such as medication, both individuals may experience significant improvement in their relationship and overall quality of life.
We also asked how someone can encourage their loved ones to seek a diagnosis for ADHD without triggering defensiveness. Dr. Ferguson suggests approaching the conversation with empathy by saying things like, “Would you do this for me or for the family?” Express concern for their well-being and emphasize the desire to improve their quality of life.
Once the OP’s wife finally got her official ADHD diagnosis, she had an aha moment—you know, the kind where everything suddenly makes sense. But the OP, still nursing seven years of exhaustion, asked for a tiny bit of acknowledgment. You’d think he was asking for a kidney. Instead of, “Thanks for putting up with me,” he got a full-blown yelling session. Makes total sense, right?
Well, not really. All our guy was trying to do was make life easier for both his wife and himself. Talk about emotional labor—you know, that invisible, unpaid work that often keeps relationships functioning. For the OP, this meant managing his wife’s mess-induced stress, walking on eggshells during meltdowns, and repeatedly bringing up ADHD as a possibility.
Emotional labor doesn’t get nearly enough credit, but it’s exhausting. When one partner consistently carries the mental and emotional load, it can lead to burnout and resentment. Pro tip for couples: Talk it out, appreciate each other’s efforts, and maybe share the load. Life’s hard enough without one person feeling like the default parent in the relationship.
So, was the OP asking for an apology unreasonable? You tell us. The comment section below is open for business.
People in the comments side with the man, saying he is not a jerk for demanding an apology, as his wife should have listened to him all those years
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What do you think ?
DrBronxx 2 weeks ago
OP is certainly not the AH, but I would have waited to ask for an apology until later than immediately following the diagnosis. Wait a bit until treatment kicks in, she is able to wrap her head around the situation, and is more likely to have a measured response. Saying basically "I told you so, now apologise to me" so quickly was not the best way to go about it.
LB 2 weeks ago
Yeah, I was going to say this too. It's normal he wants his struggles validated but he'd have had a better chance of getting it if he'd waited a bit. Perhaps asked for a session with the both of them and the therapist. It's not easy to confront these things... Not saying the wife's reactions are OK, this is just about being pragmatic.
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Marnie 2 weeks ago
I don't blame her for not initially accepting his suggestion. The autistic person who wrote about this I think was spot on. HOWEVER, the wife was absolutely TA for how she treated him about it up to threatening divorce, and then not recognizing or apologizing when he brought it up later.
Featherking 2 weeks ago (edited)
Person with cataclysmic ADHD here; I’d behead anyone trying to make me apologize for the symptoms of my undiagnosed ADHD - but he suggested looking into it. Repeatedly. She wouldn’t even entertain the idea and villinized him for trying to help her. Should she apologize for that? Oh yes. Oh hell yes, she should. And the symptoms of ADHD that affected him negatively AFTER he suggested looking into a diagnosis should actually be apologized for as well, to an extent, because she put him (and herself) through that for no reason other than her own bυllshit, ableist prejudice. She should apologize for being a goddamned ableist too. So there should be apologies, man, should there ever.
Load More Replies...
TribbleThinking 2 weeks ago
The ADHD is a distraction from the main problem. The shrieking reaction says that she's taking you for granted and doesn't respect you. If a woman were to describe her husband reacting like this, people would pile on, telling her that he's being abusive.
Devin Schmitt 2 weeks ago
I don't know how many times I have apologized over the last 35 years for ADHD behaviors. Around half of that time I was undiagnosed - I didn't figure out until we were going through the diagnostic process with my son when he was around 7 years old. I can understand the frustration of the OP, but the constant apologizing to my wife didn't excuse the behavior. Yes, he deserves an apology, but there might be deeper issues with their relationship, and they probably should have some counseling.
chclt4marcia_1 2 weeks ago
The woman has had less than a week after official diagnosis. She is still processing what this means for her. She doesn't fully understand how she has been impacted by the ADHD. Nevermind being cognizant of how her behaviours have affected others.
Pferdchen 2 weeks ago
If he had been supportive and allowed her time to seek treatment and counseling, I bet he would have received an unsolicited apology. His demanding an apology right away makes me wonder if his frustrations also tainted his earlier comments about the ADHD possibility. It's the tone that makes the music.
lenka 2 weeks ago
This. She had some pretty strong feelings about AHDH being similar to other mental illnesses - she now needs to work through her own bias and process her diagnosis. She clearly has not yet had time to process this and instead of graciously giving her the time and supporting her he came out with "I told you so, now you have to apologize to me". His feelings are of course valid but the way he has expressed them and his immediate demand for an apology demonstrates more more concern about her admitting that he was right than about her processing her diagnosis. His timing and tone is way off.
Load More Replies...
WonderWoman 2 weeks ago
There is a time and a place for the "I told you so" and he chose wrong.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
Take the win that she's finally going to take care of herself, but don't focus on an apology. You married her, you stayed married, so you decided it was worth the price of admission. If you turn around now with a lot of I told you SOS and guilt tripping, the relationship has already deteriorated into contempt and resentment and you should probably just part ways.
Rozana 2 weeks ago
My STB ex is like that either. I spendt 5 years begging her to se a psychologist. She just agreed some months ago, because I gave her an ultimatum. First month, the psychologist already suspected autism and OCD. Even with the professional opinion, she still don't see anything wrong with her behavior, says it doesn't affects her life and was furious when I said "ok, but it affects mine". I was all the time "babysitting" her because I, as an OCD patient myself but in treatment for years and pretty much under control, because I was afraid some tragedy could happen. For example, our car had a problem with the breaks, so I had to check it everytime to be sure she parked it properly. I decided enough is enough on our first (and last) couples therapy session: in 20 minutes, psychologist already got it that she had a big childhood trauma about house chores, something I've been telling her and begging her to get help for more than 5 years but never ever even considered that she may have a problem, it was always my fault, she did no wrong never. Now she's looking for a place to rent, I just couldn't stand that anymore
LB 2 weeks ago
That sounds like a super challenging situation. I hope you can have some time and space to recover from all of that!
Load More Replies...
ThisIsMe 2 weeks ago
They owe each other an apology and could use some counseling to get past this. It can be hardest to hear the truth you don't want to hear from the person closest to you. So yeah, sometimes we finally accept truth from someone less close.
Ben Aziza 2 weeks ago (edited)
If what he is saying is the actual true story and events. Then Just her... In this case the man did nothing wrong. If you can point at something i am all ear... Because for the life of me he sounds like a battered spouse who got "conditioned" into accepting abuse and total lack of respect as the default. How many times have you heard someine going back to an abuser because of "love" aka conditoning? Why apologise for being in an abusive relationship? Screeched at and threated with divorce for something she fully accepts with no problems from a friend? Someone with that little respect for you does not deserve an apology.
Load More Replies...
Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
From the way he speaks about her in his post it sounds like he never liked her much but was willing to "work on her", kind of like "rebuild to suit" him and was pissed she didn't cooperate with his plans. How well someone receives something is often a function of how it's presented. There may be a reason she was reluctant to believe it coming from him. We only have his side of things. It's pretty telling that his FIRST response was not joy that she finally would be getting some help, but instead, in the middle of her trying to tell him what's she's come to accept, his first priority was to scold her for not listening to him and demanding an apology. I have a feeling this marriage will not survive to enjoy the results of her treatment, but then, from his post, it doesn't sound like they were ever really compatible. He just thought he could change her by force of his will.
MurderMittens 2 weeks ago
You knew how she was and you still married her. You accepted her and THEN you began criticizing her because of a medical condition? YTA. Cheer her on when she makes small steps towards recovery. I hope you never have kids. They aren't perfect either. Thank God you are so perfect that nothing you do irritates her, except your constant berating.
Hettie Clements 2 weeks ago
You're her husband and she wants you to back her up no matter what. It has nothing to do for you being less important than her friend, but for you being her safe haven. She wants to feel good enough for you, with and without a diagnose. Maybe for her it feels like an insult, not being accpriciated just like she is. You asking for an apology is understandable from your side, but from her side it's another insult. She just wants to be accepted in a world where she already feels different and insecure.
Ben Aziza 2 weeks ago
Adhd is not an excuse for lashing out irrationally and not holding yourself accountable and not apologizing after giving the "divorce" ultimatum... The man is in a psychologically abusive situation. I hope he can work it out with her...If not leave... If it was me and for some reason have not left years ago...The refusal to admit you wronged someone is what I can't stand so this would be my final straw. I cant love someone like that.
Seedy Vine 2 weeks ago
OP it sounds like you've got a hoarder who oversteps boundaries. This stuff usually gets worse as time goes on. I wish you luck. I couldn't do it.
Jihana 2 weeks ago
Yeah because no man in the history of mankind has ever treated a woman that way.
Load More Replies... DrBronxx 2 weeks ago
OP is certainly not the AH, but I would have waited to ask for an apology until later than immediately following the diagnosis. Wait a bit until treatment kicks in, she is able to wrap her head around the situation, and is more likely to have a measured response. Saying basically "I told you so, now apologise to me" so quickly was not the best way to go about it.
LB 2 weeks ago
Yeah, I was going to say this too. It's normal he wants his struggles validated but he'd have had a better chance of getting it if he'd waited a bit. Perhaps asked for a session with the both of them and the therapist. It's not easy to confront these things... Not saying the wife's reactions are OK, this is just about being pragmatic.
Load More Replies... Marnie 2 weeks ago
I don't blame her for not initially accepting his suggestion. The autistic person who wrote about this I think was spot on. HOWEVER, the wife was absolutely TA for how she treated him about it up to threatening divorce, and then not recognizing or apologizing when he brought it up later.
Featherking 2 weeks ago (edited)
Person with cataclysmic ADHD here; I’d behead anyone trying to make me apologize for the symptoms of my undiagnosed ADHD - but he suggested looking into it. Repeatedly. She wouldn’t even entertain the idea and villinized him for trying to help her. Should she apologize for that? Oh yes. Oh hell yes, she should. And the symptoms of ADHD that affected him negatively AFTER he suggested looking into a diagnosis should actually be apologized for as well, to an extent, because she put him (and herself) through that for no reason other than her own bυllshit, ableist prejudice. She should apologize for being a goddamned ableist too. So there should be apologies, man, should there ever.
Load More Replies... TribbleThinking 2 weeks ago
The ADHD is a distraction from the main problem. The shrieking reaction says that she's taking you for granted and doesn't respect you. If a woman were to describe her husband reacting like this, people would pile on, telling her that he's being abusive.
Devin Schmitt 2 weeks ago
I don't know how many times I have apologized over the last 35 years for ADHD behaviors. Around half of that time I was undiagnosed - I didn't figure out until we were going through the diagnostic process with my son when he was around 7 years old. I can understand the frustration of the OP, but the constant apologizing to my wife didn't excuse the behavior. Yes, he deserves an apology, but there might be deeper issues with their relationship, and they probably should have some counseling.
chclt4marcia_1 2 weeks ago
The woman has had less than a week after official diagnosis. She is still processing what this means for her. She doesn't fully understand how she has been impacted by the ADHD. Nevermind being cognizant of how her behaviours have affected others.
Pferdchen 2 weeks ago
If he had been supportive and allowed her time to seek treatment and counseling, I bet he would have received an unsolicited apology. His demanding an apology right away makes me wonder if his frustrations also tainted his earlier comments about the ADHD possibility. It's the tone that makes the music.
lenka 2 weeks ago
This. She had some pretty strong feelings about AHDH being similar to other mental illnesses - she now needs to work through her own bias and process her diagnosis. She clearly has not yet had time to process this and instead of graciously giving her the time and supporting her he came out with "I told you so, now you have to apologize to me". His feelings are of course valid but the way he has expressed them and his immediate demand for an apology demonstrates more more concern about her admitting that he was right than about her processing her diagnosis. His timing and tone is way off.
Load More Replies... WonderWoman 2 weeks ago
There is a time and a place for the "I told you so" and he chose wrong.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 weeks ago
Take the win that she's finally going to take care of herself, but don't focus on an apology. You married her, you stayed married, so you decided it was worth the price of admission. If you turn around now with a lot of I told you SOS and guilt tripping, the relationship has already deteriorated into contempt and resentment and you should probably just part ways.
Rozana 2 weeks ago
My STB ex is like that either. I spendt 5 years begging her to se a psychologist. She just agreed some months ago, because I gave her an ultimatum. First month, the psychologist already suspected autism and OCD. Even with the professional opinion, she still don't see anything wrong with her behavior, says it doesn't affects her life and was furious when I said "ok, but it affects mine". I was all the time "babysitting" her because I, as an OCD patient myself but in treatment for years and pretty much under control, because I was afraid some tragedy could happen. For example, our car had a problem with the breaks, so I had to check it everytime to be sure she parked it properly. I decided enough is enough on our first (and last) couples therapy session: in 20 minutes, psychologist already got it that she had a big childhood trauma about house chores, something I've been telling her and begging her to get help for more than 5 years but never ever even considered that she may have a problem, it was always my fault, she did no wrong never. Now she's looking for a place to rent, I just couldn't stand that anymore
LB 2 weeks ago
That sounds like a super challenging situation. I hope you can have some time and space to recover from all of that!
Load More Replies... ThisIsMe 2 weeks ago
They owe each other an apology and could use some counseling to get past this. It can be hardest to hear the truth you don't want to hear from the person closest to you. So yeah, sometimes we finally accept truth from someone less close.
Ben Aziza 2 weeks ago (edited)
If what he is saying is the actual true story and events. Then Just her... In this case the man did nothing wrong. If you can point at something i am all ear... Because for the life of me he sounds like a battered spouse who got "conditioned" into accepting abuse and total lack of respect as the default. How many times have you heard someine going back to an abuser because of "love" aka conditoning? Why apologise for being in an abusive relationship? Screeched at and threated with divorce for something she fully accepts with no problems from a friend? Someone with that little respect for you does not deserve an apology.
Load More Replies... Kate Johnson 2 weeks ago
From the way he speaks about her in his post it sounds like he never liked her much but was willing to "work on her", kind of like "rebuild to suit" him and was pissed she didn't cooperate with his plans. How well someone receives something is often a function of how it's presented. There may be a reason she was reluctant to believe it coming from him. We only have his side of things. It's pretty telling that his FIRST response was not joy that she finally would be getting some help, but instead, in the middle of her trying to tell him what's she's come to accept, his first priority was to scold her for not listening to him and demanding an apology. I have a feeling this marriage will not survive to enjoy the results of her treatment, but then, from his post, it doesn't sound like they were ever really compatible. He just thought he could change her by force of his will.
MurderMittens 2 weeks ago
You knew how she was and you still married her. You accepted her and THEN you began criticizing her because of a medical condition? YTA. Cheer her on when she makes small steps towards recovery. I hope you never have kids. They aren't perfect either. Thank God you are so perfect that nothing you do irritates her, except your constant berating.
Hettie Clements 2 weeks ago
You're her husband and she wants you to back her up no matter what. It has nothing to do for you being less important than her friend, but for you being her safe haven. She wants to feel good enough for you, with and without a diagnose. Maybe for her it feels like an insult, not being accpriciated just like she is. You asking for an apology is understandable from your side, but from her side it's another insult. She just wants to be accepted in a world where she already feels different and insecure.
Ben Aziza 2 weeks ago
Adhd is not an excuse for lashing out irrationally and not holding yourself accountable and not apologizing after giving the "divorce" ultimatum... The man is in a psychologically abusive situation. I hope he can work it out with her...If not leave... If it was me and for some reason have not left years ago...The refusal to admit you wronged someone is what I can't stand so this would be my final straw. I cant love someone like that.
Seedy Vine 2 weeks ago
OP it sounds like you've got a hoarder who oversteps boundaries. This stuff usually gets worse as time goes on. I wish you luck. I couldn't do it.
Jihana 2 weeks ago
Yeah because no man in the history of mankind has ever treated a woman that way.
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