This happens daily and for some reason I get in trouble for it.

She has a bit of a problem with how I load the dishwasher.

She DOES NOT like to be hot and bad things happen when she overheats. Bad things man.

This quote is from me to her. I have no idea what chip bags and cereal bags have done to this woman in the past, but she shreds the holy hell out of them when opening them.

She thinks she's really funny. Another thing she'll say: "Hey Honey, did you hear the "good one" I just said?

She says this to me whenever she thinks she's outsmarted me. I always reply: "the same." It makes her so mad.

This is a typical "mom joke". Every time I say something like "my back hurts" her reply is: "Your face is killing me". It's never used correctly and she laughs at herself every freaking time.

She frequently claims she has a chip implanted in her brain that instantly shuts down any electronics in her presence. It's truly unreal. Computers, credit card chip reader things, anything that technology has afforded us bests her at every turn.

She always hums her "I love yous" to me. See, she's sweet too!

I really nave no idea why she thinks it's necessary to get out the biggest plates in our house to eat a mini freaking quiche.

This happens every time I'M driving and someone pisses her off. My favorite is when she actually reaches over and honks the horn for me!

I actually get options when she's angry. (she's never punched me.)

Every single time something on tv makes her mad she threatens to send someone a letter about it. She never sends the letters.

Try telling her it's actually "headbutt" and you'll be in for a 2 hour argument from her.

Well, sometimes I can be a real dumb asshole I guess.

This is another quote from me. The answer? No, she never remembers to spray the damn pans making them impossible to clean.