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“What’s An Unspoken Social Rule That Americans Follow That Aren’t Obvious To Visitors?” (30 Answers)
The one thing I learned in sociology class is that it’s fun to break social norms*. They’re not laws in the traditional sense, so you can’t go to jail for it. But be ready to risk that non-zero chance of suffering a blunt force trauma from a rando who doesn’t understand the difference.
Yep, cultural and social norms have a way of keeping order in a society in ways that don’t involve law enforcement—rather using the ol' stink eye, public shaming and similar tactics. Today’s topic deals with this particular thing, pointing out social norms specific to the US that non-USians might not be aware of.
* For the record, that’s not the only thing I learned in sociology. But it sure as heck stuck with me all these years.
More Info: Reddit
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#1
If you're a woman, especially a woman by yourself, and another woman or group of women suddenly start talking to you like they know you really well, play along.
This is a tactic that some American women will use to warn each other about a man who's following them, or to scare him off by making him think his target's not alone anymore. After the strange woman/women make a show of "recognizing" you, they'll probably let you know that they saw you were being followed.
Another situation where American women may use this tactic is when they see a man harassing a lone woman on a bus or subway.
Of course, the strange women will still be strangers, and you should stay in public places with lots of others around.
Mis Stake she/her 🇫🇮🇬🇧 1 year ago
Please raise your boys to be men, not little fragments of moist, stick to the soul of your shoe s**t's!!
RELATED:
#2
Spack_Jarrow24 said:
Don’t stand so close that I can feel your [friggin'] breath.
PatientFM replied:
If you're less than an arm's length away in a non-crowded space, you're too close to me. Get away.
WillyBluntz89 replied:
Only lovers and hated enemies should come within 1 sword length.
PatientFM replied:
I'm 100% behind this rule.
Standard_Ad_272 replied:
Then you’re too close.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
Try telling that to the Germans queuing up at the Aldi cashier on a Saturday afternoon
#3
thisisntshakespeare said:
In addition to not getting out of your car when pulled over by police: do NOT attempt to give them money. Bribes are a serious offense.
TrulieJulieB00 replied:
In addition to this - if you drive an older, beat up car and get pulled over at night in a city: Turn OFF your engine, turn ON your interior lights, and put BOTH hands on your steering wheel so that they’re visible.
DO NOT REACH FOR YOUR ID UNTIL THE COP IS THERE AND ASKS FOR IT.
MrPeterson15 replied:
Also a good idea to announce what you’re going to do, and often ask permission too.
“I have my registration in the glovebox. Is it ok if I reach over to grab it from there?”
“My ID is in my back pocket. Is it ok if I move to grab it?”
Quick, jarring movements, especially those to the glovebox or towards your hips, can be seen as hostile and it is best to make it clear you plan on moving and why.
Donkey boi 1 year ago
I think this says more about the police than anything else. Maybe some training on how to not shoot people that are just acting normal and not a threat....
#4
ginger_bird said:
If you ask an American "You alright?" Or "You ok?" We will believe you are expressing concern for us. It's not a greeting like it is for the British.
On the other hand, "How ya doing?" is a greeting.
BooksAndStarsLover replied
Oh yeah. Ive had people do that to me and I always get flustered thinking I look bad that day.
Thesaurii replied:
To my fellow Americans: dont ask a German how their day is going. They dont say "good, good" or "living the dream". Theyll tell you about their whole damn day.
#5
unimatrix43 said:
Don't tell us what's up with our country while you're in our country. Even to Americans who are a bit Anti-American (like me) it makes our skin crawl. We hear enough criticism on the internet and when we travel abroad so we really don't want your opinion while you're here on vacation.
Ocean_Soapian replied:
It's just poor manners in general, but I think that's everywhere. No one living in any country wants to hear from foreigners anything but positive things about their country.
So we’re on the same page, social norms are unwritten rules that determine how things should be around here. They apply within communities and societies and essentially dictate what behavior is appropriate given the context.
In the traditional sense, social norms are informal guidelines. These can be anything from shaking one’s hand when greeting them to picking the urinal that’s not the one right next to another guy draining his Johnson.
But, social norms can also manifest in a more formal way, becoming laws and regulations. After all, these are enacted based on the social and cultural climate of the society—that which is accepted and considered fair among its members. That doesn’t mean there can’t be contradictions because it’s complicated, but it works because people.
#6
Typically don’t discuss religion or politics with strangers. Regardless if I agree with you I don’t want you to hear you ramble on.
Goose of the Ahonkalypse 1 year ago
I wish Americans weren't so keen to do this with each other either. I'm just trying to eat my baked potato I don't need to hear your opinion about the president. It's even worse when Healthcare professionals are sharing Jesus or politics talk.
#7
Don’t assume America and Americans are a monolith. Nothing grates my gears more than foreigners coming to America and treating locals like dirt and talking down to them because one time, when they were in Disney world, an American looked at them cross eyed so that obviously means all Americans are rude. Stop. Please, for the love of god. One bad experience doesn’t mean you can generalize a group of 300 million people.
CrazyKnitter 1 year ago
America is huge. Different areas, states, counties or even cities can be very different from what is right around the corner. Midwesterners are very different from Southerners, who are very different from New Yorkers, who are very different than Californians. It's like expecting Germans to be the same as French people.
#8
One I never see mentioned is funeral processions (a long line of cars traveling behind a hearse on their way to the cemetery for burial). At least where I grew up, it's customary to pull off to the side of the road when a funeral procession is passing by in the opposite lane and not to resume driving until the last car in the procession has passed.
I assume that might be more of a rural thing than an urban thing...
In some places funeral processions have right of way at intersections (meaning each car in the procession will proceed through the STOP sign one after the other while other vehicles at the intersection must wait). And you're not supposed to cut through the middle of the procession line, but let them pass.
#9
Sarollas said:
Not tipping because you think tipping culture is stupid doesn't rebel against tipping culture, it just stiffs minimum wage workers.
ninjette847 replied:
Yeah, if you're so against tipping, don't go to places you need to tip. Supporting the business that makes the policy and stiffing the workers isn't taking a stand or making a change. It's like saying you're against Walmart, then shopping at Walmart and taking it out on the cashier.
SlightlyTarnished 1 year ago
I've always been a good tipper (20-30%), that said, in the US it's gone from tipping those who receive the "tipped minimum wage" (lower minimum wage) to many places paying minimum wage or better and asking for tips (tip jars, tip apps, sometimes asking direct). It's become a joke and more than a bit offensive.
#10
finalmantisy83 said:
Don't touch any kids that aren't yours.
Im_Not_Nick_Fisher replied:
Crazy to think that this needs to be said, but I’ve seen it happen. Well, I’m not sure where anyone was from. But I was at a theme park and all I heard was “I told you not to touch my kids” and this woman swung and hit another person not in her party. The lady who did the punching was easily 6 feet tall and had a pretty good reach, and a really nailed the other lady. I’m pretty sure the cops were called.
self_of_steam replied:
My old roommate was from a tiny tiny town in northern WI and needed to be reminded of this frequently. She tried to take a child out of a stroller at Walmart while in line. The mom almost killed her and I almost let her. I don't think she ever really understood and I don't understand why.
Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago
It's only ok to grab a kid to save it from immediate danger, like when it's trying to run on a busy street or putting something poisonous in its mouth
Bored Panda reached out to Todd Schoepflin, author, sociologist and the face behind the Everyday Sociology and Creative Sociology blogs.
“The American public is on edge, but underneath the angst a friendliness remains. On the one hand, people are stressed out, on the other hand they are friendly and willing to help,” commented Schoepflin.
And based on the submissions in this list, you can see a glimpse of this with Redditor u/marenamoo, who pointed out that visitors should assume most Americans are nice, but they wouldn’t really want anything more than just a “perfunctory greeting.”
On the other hand, Americans are masters at small talk, and one small conversation can lead to a friendship like that. “My wife talks about ‘Minnesota goodbyes’. Everyone says bye and then an hour and a half later you’re pulling food out of the fridge because people are still talking and got hungry,” noted another commenter, u/sutt0nius.
#11
05110909 said:
This applies to any business, but most especially restaurants:
Do not snap your fingers or whistle to get the attention of an employee. That is considered to be extremely rude here.
jebuswashere replied:
A lot of Americans need to learn this, to be honest.
Da1UHideFrom replied:
True, a lot of Americans need to learn that workers are not servants and being a customer does not give you power over someone.
soap---poisoning replied:
The odd thing is that the people who are desperate to appear important are usually worse about this than the people who actually are important. Some people think talking down to servers is a way to emphasize their own superiority, but it just makes them seem trashy.
Michael P (Perthaussieguy) 1 year ago
Snapping your fingers or whistling to get attention of an employee should be considered rude anywhere!
#12
NomiTheNomad said:
Never, ever cut in line.
Appropriate-Dig771 replied:
I’m an otherwise non confrontational person but cutters have made me nuts since childhood. I will always say something to stop them because I will be too mad at myself if I don’t.
droidsentbycyberlife replied:
No cuts, no buts, no coconuts.
Matt Du 1 year ago
In the uk, you can be standing in a que for 10 minutes before the people in front ask you if they are in the right queue. And if someone stops to look at something in the general area of the front, people will orderly queue up behind them and then ask "are you in the queue love". But although we tend to be reserved and quiet, things can get quite nasty if you cut.
#13
marenamoo said:
Assume most people are nice but don’t really want anything more than a perfunctory greeting.
Edit. Also most people are willing to help you if you are lost or just confused. Despite what people might say on the internet - we do want you to like our country on your visit.
Vonbagh replied:
While this might be somewhat true, I was truly astonished how willing Americans were to smalltalk/chat/discuss with me. Where I come from people are waaaaay more withdrawn with strangers.
SaffyPants replied:
In the Midwest we make an art out of small talk.
sutt0nius replied:
Sooo true. My wife talks about "Minnesota goodbyes". Everyone says bye and then an hour and a half later you're pulling food out of the fridge because people are still talking and got hungry.
#14
ALoungerAtTheClubs said:
Prices on store shelves and restaurant menus almost never include the tax surcharge, which will be probably 6-10% depending on where you are. (States and local cities/counties have different rates. Some places like Delaware don't have sales tax.)
JKmusclebunny replied:
The dollar store is never really the dollar store.
dillpickle03 replied:
It's the 1.25 now. :/
TheonuclearPyrophyte replied:
I correct people who say Dollar Tree lmao it's Dollar Twenty-Five Tree now.
#15
Depending on where you're from, some or all of the following might not be obvious:
* Don't interrupt people.
* Be on time.
* Tipping in restaurants is in no way optional.
* If you want to buy something and the price tag says $5, expect to pay about $5.25 to $5.75 at the register. This is sales tax and it's never listed on the price tag. The amount of tax is different in every state or even city/county within a state, and sometimes different per product category. You will never figure out how much it's going to be, and Americans don't even try.
* But don't take this to mean the prices are negotiable. The only things you can haggle on are cars and houses.
* Don't talk with your mouth full.
* Don't double-dip in the condiments.
* Have no smell, or at most very subtle / almost undetectable.
* Don't stand right next to people unless it's so crowded you have no other choice. Give them two or three feet of personal space.
* Outside of NYC and Boston, don't expect to be able to get anywhere without a car.
* Yes, we actually want that much ice in our drinks. You're not being shorted on the amount of drink. But you can order with no ice and that's fine.
* Nobody actually wants to know how you are. It just means hello. The correct answer is "fine, you?" which despite seeming like a question, does not require a response.
* In the South you need to say thank you two different ways. "Here's your food! / Thanks! / You take care now! / 'Preciate it!"
* Anyone can talk to anyone at any time. People just start talking to you. It doesn't mean you're being mugged.
* Except in the men's bathroom. Do not start a conversation there.
* Despite the ease of starting them, conversations with strangers are expected to be kept superficial. Many topics are off limits, particularly any form of criticism.
* One thing that's _not_ off limits is your job. People will ask you "what do you do?" (meaning "what's your job"), and this will define you for them.
* A lot of Americans are fat. If you're not family, you're not expected to comment on it. Also, you'll be fat pretty soon too, if you eat all the food on your plate at restaurants. Learn about doggy bags.
* You get free refills of non-alcoholic drinks, often without asking, so if you don't pay attention you might guzzle down a thousand calories of Coke without even realizing it.
* Some Americans are strongly religious. Don't assume they share your secular beliefs. It's best not to talk about religion at all unless it's someone you know well.
* Some parts of America are _really_ uptight about nudity. Like, they will arrest you. This is 10X stronger if there are children nearby.
* Even in these very same places, public bathroom stalls will have huge gaps and won't be very private. The door might not even reliably stay closed.
* Don't cut in front of people in line, or even when there isn't a line. If someone was waiting for service when you showed up, you must make a note of it, and if you get called on next, ask them if they were waiting and let them go ahead of you.
* Americans know much better than you do how screwed up some aspects of the country are (though they may disagree on _which_ aspects). They do not particularly want to hear how much better your country is.
* Americans are pretty straightforward and direct, but they don't like to give or receive a straight "no." If anyone asks "are you sure you want to do this?" it means "this is a terrible idea and you'll probably die."
Schoepflin also notes some of the most predominant social norms in the US that thematically deal with privacy and respect:
“I would say it’s key to respect people’s personal space. An important norm is to not cut people in line. People can be nasty if you jump ahead of them in line. So be mindful of others, and do your best to read the mood of the people around you.”
“Another norm is to tip your servers and other workers in service jobs. To not tip is a norm violation and may be met with a mildly negative reaction.”
“When traveling, you are likely to encounter a mix of impatience, indifference, niceness and kindness. Sometimes people are chilled out, sometimes they are not!”
#16
eruciform said:
Smiling at strangers if you meet eyes is normal.
brucebananaray replied:
Sometimes we nod to each other if we cross by.
Wittyname0 replied:
Nod down if you dont know the person, nod up if you do.
SnooFlake replied:
Holy [cow] I never realized that I did this! Lol
Kathryn Baylis 1 year ago
Nodding your head is a lower key variation of tipping your hat, which itself was a low key variation of bowing or curtsying. All of which are forms of polite and respectful greeting. Not a bad thing to practice, btw.
#17
Aceofkings9 said:
I went to a high school that was probably about 35 to 40 percent Chinese nationals and the culture behind cheating and plagiarism is just totally different. I was a member of the student panel in charge of investigating allegations of honor code violations and every single one came from a first-year student who just assumed that you could Google translate a French essay or rip something off SparkNotes. According to friends from China, it's pretty much anything goes over there and it's not punished severely, or even at all very often.
ninjette847 replied:
At the school my mom teaches at and I went to they actually have a class on this for international students as part of the welcome weekend. Also, students from bargaining cultures seem to think your final grade is like an opening offer.
HistoryLover(she/her) 1 year ago (edited)
Google Translate doesn’t work on my German teacher. He actually learned German from living in Germany for nine years and catches people on Google generated mistakes. However, I know many students who brag about not reading any of the books in their English classes. They used SparkNotes on homework and didn’t speak up in class. They got lower scores on the tests, but they passed without getting caught so they didn’t care.
#18
[deleted] said:
You can haggle at a garage sale or a flea market but otherwise the price is the price. We don’t haggle.
InterBeard replied:
You can haggle over the price of a home or a car.
Rudirs replied:
Even those are less true than they once were. When I got my last car and I tried haggling the guy laughed and said those days are over. Although I was buying a new car, I know getting a used car is pretty different.
And most houses are going for asking or above, but hopefully that'll change soon.
de-milo replied:
when a car salesman laughs at you for trying to haggle a used car price, that’s when you walk away!
#19
livinginyourwallss said:
Walk on the right-hand side always. Stairs, sidewalks, tunnels, trails.
KaramelKatze replied:
Ill add an asterisk to this.
*If its an escalator or moving walkway.... Stand Right, Walk Left.
AtheneSchmidt replied:
Slowest in the right hand lane, fastest to the left. This is true on escalators, bike trails, and highways in the US.
Doctor Strange 1 year ago
The left lane is for actively passing only. If you are not passing someone, regardless of how fast you are going, get over. The right lane is for travel, the left lane is for passing. In most states, this is the law not just a suggestion.
#20
Thank you. Friends from Italy flew in, and I'm not complaining, but each time I held a door open, or picked up the bill, or took them shopping, not a single than you was uttered. Now I know they were thankful, they are friends, but I think people overlook, or at least to those of us over 50, how we were raised to thank someone for an effort.
Ugh, another was belching with mouth wide open, and no "excuse me". That one did ride me a bit:) Just a look and a nod, crazy.
LilliVB 1 year ago (edited)
Your friends are just rude. I'm Italian and I would have thanked you for all those things. I wouldn't ever dream of burping in a social environment, unless for whatever reason I can't help it (maybe at home with my family I have less restrictions but it's not an habit at home either), even less with my mouth wide open. And if I can't help it, the second I did it I'm going to excuse myself for my poor manners (EDIT: spelling)
Now, it’s interesting to think that, with the rise of artificial intelligence (AI), especially chatbots that are designed to be social beings, some say they don’t really care about social norms at all.
At least with ChatGPT (GPT-3), it is reported that the way it works, it’s incapable of recognizing that there are things that it shouldn’t say. At least for now. This is a combination of the algorithm making statistical guesses as to what it ought to say mixed with feedback provided by the conversation partner.
In the same way, statistically speaking, and given human nature, there are more ways to say the wrong thing than there are to say the right thing. Which is fine, we all make mistakes. But for chatbots, given the stats-based approach, it’s anything but ideal.
This is also besides the fact that humans have things like intuition, broad contextual awareness, and even the same social rules that they abide by at their disposal to avoid conversational hiccups. Hiccups that bots would give zero guffs about because that’s just not how they work.
So, food for thought. Actually, food and thought that you can share in the comment section below!
#21
TCFNationalBank said:
Caste-based discrimination is a no-no when working with American clients.
[deleted] replied:
Absolutely, this is especially true in retail. Clients from other countries cannot discriminate on any employee because of their race or ethnicity. I used to work at a very large retail store where the employees were VERY diverse and the amount of discrimination was appalling.
Tumbah Chamberlain 1 year ago
Are you kidding me? We are a super racist country and discrimination happens all the time.
#22
New_Stats said:
Don't smell bad. It's only acceptable for people to smell bad if they work outside and get sweaty, and then it's only acceptable for them to go into certain places, such as a convenience store, grocery store or fast food joint to get lunch.
Other than that you better be clean and not smell like BO
hope_world94 replied:
I'll also overlook the stench if it's somewhere like a Lowe's or Home Depot. I just assume you had to stop mid project and get something to continue.
Positive-Source8205 replied:
I judge a project by how many emergency runs I had to make to Home Depot.
Strawberry Pizza 1 year ago
This one is understandable. Straight up haven't-showered-for-days BO is gross and avoidable. But almost everyone has a natural slight smell, even with deodorants, and this can't be helped. Please also bear in mind that some people genuinely can't help sweating/smelling a little sometimes, no matter how hard they try, and don't make them feel bad about it.
#23
Southern_Blue said:
Don't stare into the 'gap' in the bathroom stalls. You can give a brief glance of about a second to check if someone is in there, but then look away quickly and go about your own business.
I don't care for the gaps either, but we've instinctively learned to live with them.
Crunchy__Frog replied:
Nope. Even a one second glance is a second too long. Check underneath for feet.
Seguefare replied:
Just quickly slide your eyes over the gap to check for a vaguely human shape indicating the stall is occupied. There's no reason to ever look directly through the gap.
Nicechick321 replied:
Why in the hell that gap exists??
Hello_Hangnail replied:
Americans don't even know this one.
#24
voleclock said:
Our personal space bubbles are pretty big and we like them that way.
Also probably having a sense of when the small talk is meant as a polite and succinct formality vs when the small talk indicates the person is willing to talk more with you.
JKmusclebunny replied:
“Hi, how are you?
“Good! And you?
“Good!”
A full conversation
BellumFrancorum replied:
Five star Uber ride.
Nichole Harris 1 year ago
I'm American born and bred and I'm still learning this 😂 but then again I'm weird and socially awkward
#25
La_croix_addict said:
“See you later” does not mean that you will see them later.
Positive-Source8205 replied:
Me: See you later.
Narrator: But he did not see them later.
pizza_for_nunchucks replied:
You have to say "See you later alligator" to make it official that you will in fact see them again later
catawampus_doohickey replied:
But only if they reply, "after a while crocodile"
marypants1977 replied:
Not too soon baboon.
deruch replied:
Lol. That made me laugh, giraffe.
Cherryboy52 replied:
Know why? Cow pie!
#26
BooksAndStarsLover said:
Don't touch us if you dont know us.
Handshakes are allowed if the situation calls for it but you'll freak out people if you just go up and touch them.
Lucia37 replied:
And for the love of God, don't hug anyone unless you are 150% sure they are ok with it.
Thadlust replied:
Does not apply in the south.
Noname 1 year ago
Little anecdote here-- the French don't hug, they do the bises (kisses), which I hate. My mother in law was never very affectionate with her son or our kids (her grandkids) so it was always the kisses. But I always hugged her and would tell her "merci pour tous" (thanks for everything). She never hugged me back UNTIL the day I was visiting her alone and she told me her cat had died. I hugged her and she hugged me back and started to cry.
#27
A common small talk practice is to mention something, like a movie, book, place, and give an opinion on it and then people state their preference (what they like). You do not have to agree with that preference, but can put forth something else you like.
This drove a Finnish work exchange students nuts when I was working with him. He characterized our "get along in work " talk as randomly stating our preferences to the group (it was a job where we could talk to each other) and gave an example of a conversation similar to below -
Person A - I like "a movie"
Person B - I thought it was okay
Person C - I like "different movie"
Person A - that was good too, I liked X about it
Person B - I like "new thing"
Person D - "New thing" is ok, but I like "something" so I use "other random thing"
He said this repeated so he had to listen to coworkers state what they "like" or "don't like" or "like better" for the rest of the day, and then we bothered him during the conversation to ask him if he liked whatever random thing someone brought up.
He thought that all we did to talk at work was state our opinions until he realized it was a socializing mechanism where people were trying to get to know other people through this "small talk."
#28
BellumFrancorum said:
We measure distance in time. You should fully expect to be told how long it will take you to get someplace instead of how far away it is.
roadgeek999 replied:
It’s generally assumed that the time given is the amount of time it would take to get there in a car, unless the person specifies otherwise.
420BongHitsForJesus replied:
Horse drawn carriage is the preferred method of transportation actually.
PineappleSlices replied:
Also worth noting that this isn't true if you're in a city with a robust public transit system.
#29
jollyjam1 said:
Depending on where you visit, please don't walk slow or stand in the middle of the sidewalk.
HereComesTheVroom replied:
@ the Brazilians on vacation in Orlando
I know they aren’t the only ones, but I always saw them the most growing up and it is so goddamn annoying for a group of a dozen people to just stop in the middle of a walkway.
Luxowell replied:
Used to have a friend who worked for Disney who said the groups of Brazilian tourists were always the worst behaved groups. At first she was like "I can't believe you're saying that! It's wrong to judge groups of people!" A week later, she was like "OK! You're right!"
#30
LuvliLeah13 said:
Staring. My husband is from a culture where they stare at people, even after you look at them. He still does it occasionally and I have to remind him that it makes Americans terribly uncomfortable. It’s incredibly creepy and rude.
trynot2screwitup replied:
I’ve never experienced this. What’s prompting the staring? Curiosity? Are they silently connecting when they stare or just not paying attention to where their eyes are?
LuvliLeah13 replied:
If you look at them you will make direct eye contact. It’s not a glance. It feels like being watched. It’s just cultural. Everyone stares and they grow up that way so it’s completely normal in that culture. Very jarring here.
FiveDaysLate replied:
It was like this in Madrid when I lived there. On the metro people just stare at you very uncomfortably.
baalroo replied:
What happens when you stare directly back at someone staring at you there? Do they just not react at all, like the concept of "staring" is just completely meaningless and lost on them?
FiveDaysLate replied:
Yeah they just keep looking at you full eye contact and all.
SaintJuneau replied:
From my experience in the Madrid metro, I'd say 75% keep staring and the other 25% might initially break the stare but then go right back to ogling.
What do you think ?
Alecto76 1 year ago
If you feel like you've offended anyone in a social setting in the US, just apologize and explain why - that you are not familiar with the custom or that in your country you do something different and say that you didn't mean any offense. I would forgive most things in this context. In my experience, most of us will understand and not be offended. We love to meet new people and usually give them the benefit of the doubt.
Alecto76 1 year ago
If you feel like you've offended anyone in a social setting in the US, just apologize and explain why - that you are not familiar with the custom or that in your country you do something different and say that you didn't mean any offense. I would forgive most things in this context. In my experience, most of us will understand and not be offended. We love to meet new people and usually give them the benefit of the doubt.
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