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Someone Asks Women Who Refused To Marry Or Have Kids How Life Has Been, And They Deliver 30 Honest Responses
At some point in our lives, women just get tired of parents asking when you’ll give them grandchildren, or your friends questioning when you and your partner will tie the knot. The pressure to commit to entrenched social expectations and gender stereotypes is real, and it does little good if any.
Meanwhile, more and more women are willing to take the choices of their lives into their own hands, something that essentially belongs to them. This Reddit thread shared on the Ask Women community shows a glimpse into how things are going for these women. “Women who didn't follow the social norm of getting married & having kids—what are you doing instead?” asked Redditor -Penguin_Anxiety- and the responses started pouring in.
Below we selected some of the most illuminating ones that show how rewarding it can be to live your life as you want, and not as you're told to.
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#1
I’m single with no children. I just booked a trip to NYC and one to Mexico in the summer, and planning a trip to Europe for the fall. I’m thinking about getting a second masters degree and after seeing these responses, I’m thinking why the hell not?
I have money and time to pursue my interests and because of that, I’ve gotten to know exactly who I was. It turns out I like me a lot.
Bored Panda spoke with Catdogbird29, a childfree and single woman who shared her experience in response to this thread on the Ask Women subreddit. She wrote: “I’m single with no children. I just booked a trip to NYC and one to Mexico in the summer, and am planning a trip to Europe for the fall. I’m thinking about getting a second masters degree and after seeing these responses, I’m thinking 'why the hell not?'” She also added that she has money and time to pursue her interests and because of that, she has gotten to know exactly who she is. “It turns out I like me a lot,” the woman added.
“I think there is a lot of societal pressure for women to get married,” Catdogbird29 told us. “The message that marriage and kids = happiness is literally everywhere in our lives, from the media, friends, and family. I felt growing up that my life would not be complete unless I got married and had kids, and it led me to make some decisions that were not in my best interest.”
Having said that, the woman believes that society is changing. “It is becoming more acceptable for women to stay single and childless, but there is still considerable pressure to ‘settle down.’”
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#2
Living many lives. I was a morning baker at a corner bakery in a small town. I was a stripper in a big urban city. I was a roadie for a punk rock band. I was a manager in a large packaging warehouse. Now I'm a budtender at my corner potshop. I dont like a place? I get up and move across the country, sleep in my car until I find a job. I want to live a bunch more lives. I love the freedom and never want to give a shred of it up.
Susie Elle 2 years ago
It sounds amazing, however I don't envy your lifestyle. I love freedom, but I'd feel lost not 'belonging' somewhere (that's from my perspective!). Reading this does tickle my travel-muscles though :D
#4
I'm 60, never got married, never had kids. What have I done instead? Lived my best life. It's been fantastic, so far.
Had a successful career. Launched a successful second career in my 40s. Retired early (which I never could have done with a spouse and children). Travelled all over the world when I was younger. Indulged all my hobbies (reading, quilting, cooking, gaming).
As someone else so aptly put it: Whatever the f**k I want.
The Redditor also said that she learned that she likes being single and she generally doesn’t feel a lot of need to be in a relationship. “I realized after a bad breakup that I stayed in the relationship for so long because I felt like I ‘had to’ and I would be ‘unhappy’ if I wasn’t in a relationship. I felt worse when I thought I would ‘run out of time’ to have kids.”
Moreover, “It didn’t help that I didn’t have women in my life that were happy single, and I watched as they made compromise after compromise to make their male partners happy at their own expense. I thought this was just the way it was for women. Then, as I was healing from my breakup, I realized I was far happier on my own than I ever was when I was dating or in a relationship,” she said.
#5
I got married but I'm not ever having kids. My husband worked from home today and we drank margaritas in bed and booked a holiday. Aside from having the responsibility of a dog I pretty much do exactly what I want to. I'm aware some of that privilege comes from money, rather than not having kids, but not having them has afforded me an incredible amount of freedom and peace
#6
Rescuing animals. Have my own business. I read a lot. Pursue art. Wake up whenever I want. Go on long travel trips with my friends.
Shelli PL 2 years ago (edited)
Maybe just me but as a child of abuse I think it’s selfless to decide not to have kids. It was a nightmare to be raised by two selfish people who shouldn’t have procreated. I wanted my son bcuz I vowed to break the cycle and happily gave him a real childhood. Some choose to forgo that work. You never know if there’s more to their choice to be childless. Respect their decision.
#7
Get 4 degrees (2masters and 1 Ph.D.), buy a house, move whenever I want for a better job opportunity or a promotion, relax after work, and on the weekend coz I can have a full night sleep.
I was married which was unfortunate.
Catdogbird29 confessed that the quality of her life improved a lot after her breakup. “I no longer had to care for another person or make compromises about anything. What movie do I want to watch? What groceries do I want to buy? Where do I want to go for vacation? All my decisions.” Moreover, the woman started trying new hobbies and eating healthier. “My stress levels have dropped now that I’m single. I don’t see the same in my friends and family with kids.”
She believes that women in general take on so much of a mental workload when it comes to maintaining a relationship and care for children. “We hand ourselves over to make other people happier and we neglect ourselves and it isn’t fair. Society expects women to sacrifice for their husbands and children,” the Redditor explained. Although not all relationships have to be like this, Catdogbird29 said she doesn’t see equal partnerships modeled anywhere, “even among my friends and family that insist their relationships are different.”
#8
Living my best life? I always wanted kids, but I have been unlucky in love and having children is not something I want to do on a solo salary with me as the only caretaker. Unfortunately, the older I get the less patience I have with men. I have stopped dating during the pandemic and I don’t know if I will ever start up again! I have so many hetero friends in unhappy marriages where the women work full time, run the household, and are basically the only children caregiver. There are so many memes about married men acting like giant children so I feel I may have dodged a bullet. I’m sad I won’t get to be a mom, but i think it’s for the best. I don’t want to “raise” an adult or be disrespected by a man who is perfectly capable in the workplace but decides to tune me out in the running of our home.
So I do what I want and I’m really freaking happy. I own my own home, I have two degrees, I take lots of trips with my friends, have hobbies, love my job and coworkers, and dote on my nieces. It’s a great life!
#9
49 here. Self employed massage therapist, make my own hours, my own house, and make enough money to keep my 3 feline gluttons fat and happy. I’m solidly lower middle class with my income and I would be absolutely screwed if I had kids. The odds of single parenthood were just too high and I wasn’t willing to chance it. No regrets here.
#10
Eating chips and watching tv at 3am. I will wake up around 1pm tomorrow. I will go to my job as a bartender at 5pm tomorrow. By the end of the week I will joke that I'm tired of partying. But I won't actually be - I'm gonna dance to a DJ and destroy my ear drums this weekend, like I do every weekend.
Kookamunga 2 years ago
This whole post is making a lot of people uncomfortable by making them question their choices.
“I think the most common misconception about childfree and unmarried women is that we are bitter and jealous of our parent/married friends and family,” Catdogbird29 told us and added that she’s not at all. “I only want my loved ones to be happy and fulfilled and if that means getting married and having kids then I am happy for them. I will gladly hang out with you and your spouse, or babysit your kids for you. My friends are my friends regardless of their relationship status.”
Another misconception about childfree and single women is that they are lonely. “I’m not at all. I’m introverted by nature so I love my alone time. Sure, sometimes I wish I had a partner but I’ve seen just as many women desperate to get a moment of peace in their day. I know there are plenty of women that are bitter, jealous, and lonely, but I would encourage them to find whatever they are looking for in other people in themselves instead.” The Redditor wants to remind everyone that “You are a whole person. There is no 'other half' out there for you.”
#11
Being a full person who isn't defined by what she provides for other people?
#12
Enjoying a free and happy solo life, travelling around, working for myself, publishing my own books and not answering to anyone else. I’ve never wanted children because I knew it would curtail my freedom. I’m 54 with no regrets (apart from an eight-year marriage in my thirties).
#13
I've worked full time in my career for 13 years. My master's degree helped that one out.
I became a homeowner at 21. I'm 38 now and am on my 3rd owned house.
I had a hysterectomy in 2020, so this whole "child free" thing is permanent.
I have a roommate; not because I need help paying bills, but because it makes my house more lively and I like the company.
I bought all the stuff to make an awesome home gym that I use 5x a week.
I do want a marriage, but am definitely not willing to settle for less than what I can already give myself. My quality of life will not diminish when I agree to be in a marriage.
Susie Elle 2 years ago
Just curious as it's none of my business, but I conclude from this that they started working in their career field at 25 - how were you able to afford a house at 21?? Even if they worked in a different field before that?
#14
I just bought my dream house a month ago and got a better job making more than double what I was making with a huge bonus. That would have never happened if I would have gotten married/ had kids with the man I was supposed to marry ( I called off the wedding and split).
I can pretty much do whatever I want to do.
My bf ( not the guy I was supposed to marry) and I go exploring all the time. We just pick a trail on the map we haven't done yet, leash the dogs, and go.
I also love dancing and can easily get prettied up, pick a dress, and hit the dance floor. Anything from ballroom to club I fit right in and have so much fun. I couldn't do that if I had kids.
I love having the freedom to literally just do whatever pops in my head.
My parents had 13 kids and that put me off having kids. I've raised enough of them already.
#15
I have traveled to 20+ countries solo. Live in a poppin part of the city, bought a white couch, a luxury car, plan to retire early…but the most important thing I do is work remotely so I can visit my amazing nephews as often as I wish. I didn’t ‘choose’ to not follow the social norm of getting married/having kiddos, I’ve just dated piles of garbage that inherently prevented that from happening. Then one day I looked in the mirror and turned 40, so I suppose I’m now too late to the bio-kids party. Oh well!!!!
#16
Working on my second and third bachelors and then onto a Ph.D. in political science with an emphasis on women's rights to get down to fixing this s**t for all of us.
#17
Staying with my long term boyfriend for life. We may get married. We may not. I kinda just want to be engaged forever lol (and I want to get him an engagement ring too!)
We’re never having kids. Instead, we plan on traveling the world! And focusing on our careers and hobbies.
Michael Sanders 2 years ago
Good plan if it works for you. Staying with a long term significant other can bring questions of “we’ve been together forever why not get married?”but also “we are doing just fine so why get married”. Answer those questions however you want, just be 100% sure the other person is on the same page.
#18
Going to law school, taking care of my parents and focusing on my mental health. I’m very happy doing it and am just now beginning to accept that I don’t have to follow everyone’s expectations. There’s no reason to sacrifice your happiness making decisions that nobody but you will have to live with forever.
Liv 2 years ago
Yes, this. Screw society's vision of how our lives should be like. It's our life, and our happiness that's at stake. Nothing against being a happy momma, but to have a conventional/traditional life due to external pressure, and to fulfill the expectations of others? To feel externally accepted, while feeling empty of joy and remorseful inside? Hell no.
#19
Currently, I’m drinking coffee and watching the sun rise. My house is on a mountain and I have a beautiful view. Also, I bought this house with cash.
On Friday I’m leaving for Vegas for a quick weekend trip.
Did I mention I quit my job a month ago because I didn’t feel like working there anymore? I started a new job this week but it was nice to take a month off to finish my office renovation.
#21
I have a job which I actually like, party with friends, go alone on holidays, hookup and live my best life without a screaming poop monster holding me down.
#22
Work a fulfilling career, volunteer at a wildlife rescue center, travel, cook, read, play the guitar, enjoy time with my fiancé and friends whenever I feel like it, regularly exercise, have frequent sex, invest my extra time and money into my health and skincare routine, sleep in, have spa days once a week, donate money to charity, hike, bike, ski, camp, and going dancing.
These are a few of the things I do instead of having kids lol
Brandy Grote 2 years ago
This one reminds me of the Dear Abby article I read as a kid: "pity the poor childless couple, she slaving to pour another mai tai as he lovingly puts sun lotion on her back..."
#23
I did get married, but no kids. I'm about to start a PhD in aerospace!
#24
Moving to different states, changing careers because I feel like it, living a reasonably good life on 30k, and enjoying a banquet of men. I'm almost 50 and I have never felt I was missing out. A marriage of less than 3 years gave me a taste of that white picket fence life, and it's not for me.
#25
Currently helping my sister raise her kid! She's a single mom by choice and I feel like I'm getting the best of both worlds right now. I love watching my nephew grow up and I feel like it's completely satisfying any maternal urges I have. And at the end of the day I still have my freedom and independence.
Kirsten Kerkhof 2 years ago
I'm an auntie to two fantastic nephews and a fantastic niece. I've been their Friday babysitter since the oldest (now 7) was 3 months old so I've seen them grow up. They act up and can be stroppy as kids can be but they are adorable --- but I don't have to pay for more than the occasional banana. I get the best of kids who know and love me, but no broken nights and depleted bank account.
#26
I’m building my dream home - an eclectic little tiny house on the water, that I’ll never have to share.
#27
I got a PhD, traveled, lost weight got mentally healthy, focused on myself, then found the love of my life and now we are building a dream house and planning a future without kids. Maybe we will get another dog.
#28
Halfway to a paid off house, living with my animals, successful in my career, dating someone that may or may not develop in to something long term.
There are more pros than cons for me to not being married with kids (and possibly divorced) in my 40s.
#29
I live with my best friend, and it's f**king awesome.
#30
Getting two degrees, working my a** off at a job I genuinely love even it's intense and stressful! I'm also helping my parents as they get older, building a bunch of furniture, writing silly s**t to unwind, and chilling with my cats.
I did have a very brief period of being married (which I didn't tolerate for long).
What do you think ?
MiriPanda 2 years ago
I resent the implication that being single or at least childfree automatically means we're all well off financially. Many of these posts describe women who are also very privileged. Being a homeowner at 21? Nothing to do with being single and childless. Traveling the world? I work full time and have neither the money nor the time for that. Fantastic if it works out well for them, but please don't generalize. I for one have too many people around me who assume that I sleep on bags of gold and that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Nope, not even close - and I like my life in general.
Ozacoter 2 years ago
Exactly. I do not have children and I cant work so I literarly have food and a roof solely because my partner pays for it. We struggle a lot living with only one salary..
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Oopsydaisy 2 years ago
Men always make out as if it's women who want to get married and do the whole settling down thing, but the reality is that is actually men who want to do it. Witness the uprise in men who demand that women be made available to them and who say that women have 'too many rights'. The whole system of coupledom works a lot better for men than it does women, and always has.
Lea S. 2 years ago (edited)
Or it's both? Depends on the person. I know men who have no interest in marriage and kids. I know women who have no interest. I know men who want kids, and I know women who wants kids. There's no rule. I know a woman who adopted well into her forties and is now a single mom. Everyone's different.
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BigFish Artwire 2 years ago
Most of these have to do with having money, which of course you have less when you have kids. But the benefits that they list are all about money, and since I'm broke, I think I'll have kids then haha. Just kidding :)
Val 2 years ago
Single childfree people in my country pay waaaayyyy more taxes than couples with or without kids. This is really frustrating and actually quite discriminating.
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MiriPanda 2 years ago
I resent the implication that being single or at least childfree automatically means we're all well off financially. Many of these posts describe women who are also very privileged. Being a homeowner at 21? Nothing to do with being single and childless. Traveling the world? I work full time and have neither the money nor the time for that. Fantastic if it works out well for them, but please don't generalize. I for one have too many people around me who assume that I sleep on bags of gold and that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Nope, not even close - and I like my life in general.
Ozacoter 2 years ago
Exactly. I do not have children and I cant work so I literarly have food and a roof solely because my partner pays for it. We struggle a lot living with only one salary..
Load More Replies... Oopsydaisy 2 years ago
Men always make out as if it's women who want to get married and do the whole settling down thing, but the reality is that is actually men who want to do it. Witness the uprise in men who demand that women be made available to them and who say that women have 'too many rights'. The whole system of coupledom works a lot better for men than it does women, and always has.
Lea S. 2 years ago (edited)
Or it's both? Depends on the person. I know men who have no interest in marriage and kids. I know women who have no interest. I know men who want kids, and I know women who wants kids. There's no rule. I know a woman who adopted well into her forties and is now a single mom. Everyone's different.
Load More Replies... BigFish Artwire 2 years ago
Most of these have to do with having money, which of course you have less when you have kids. But the benefits that they list are all about money, and since I'm broke, I think I'll have kids then haha. Just kidding :)
Val 2 years ago
Single childfree people in my country pay waaaayyyy more taxes than couples with or without kids. This is really frustrating and actually quite discriminating.
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