Family get-togethers and talking politics are rarely a good combo. That’s why many people try to turn the conversation away before it becomes a heated political debate or ask certain people to refrain from making comments.

Redditor ‘processphilly’ recently had to ask her brother to keep his political speeches to himself, after he gave one during her bridal shower. But the woman’s family wasn’t seemingly as eager to stop her wedding from becoming a political event.

Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a social-personality psychologist and relationship researcher at the University of Essex in the United Kingdom, Dr. Veronica Lamarche, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions on talking politics with family.

The wedding day is a special time in a couple’s life, dedicated to celebrating their love

Image credits: Omelnickiy/Envato (not the actual photo)

This woman had to ask her brother not to turn her wedding into a political event

Image credits: oneinchpunchphotos/Envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits: processphilly

Many people try to avoid discussing politics during family get-togethers

Image credits:drazenphoto/Envato (not the actual photo)

It’s no secret that talking politics with family can be a slippery slope to fighting and arguments. Be it an uncle the views of whom you wholeheartedly disagree with, your parents who might have different opinions, too, or a sibling who’s impossible to even have a healthy discussion with – no matter the relationship, discussing matters as sensitive as politics can lead to a headache at best and a broken family at worst.

Unsurprisingly, many people try to avoid talking politics during family get-togethers. Even though roughly 60% of US adults say their clan is fine with discussing the touchy subject, according to a Pew Research Center survey, roughly four-in-ten admit they try to avoid it, if possible.

Said survey found that the number of people who share at least some common ground politically with their family members is larger than of those who don’t: 64% US adults say that “most or all” of their kin are on the same page politics-wise, while 22% find themselves fostering views that are totally different from “almost everyone” in their family.

According to Dr. Veronica Lamarche, discussing political views provides people with an important opportunity to create a shared reality within their family relationships. In a recent interview with Bored Panda, she explained that “‘Shared reality’ refers to the psychological experience of believing you share inner thoughts and feelings about the world, and helps people build a shared sense of understanding.

“Because we value the bonds we have with our family, we often want to confirm that they think and feel similarly to us, and if they don’t, the dissonance created by a lack of shared reality can motivate some people to increase their efforts to get family members on board with their worldviews.”

Close to half of US adults have stopped talking to someone over their politics-related comments

Image credits: biasciolialessandro/Envato (not the actual photo)

Another Pew Research Center survey found that close to half of US adults (45%) have stopped talking about politics with someone as a result of something they have said on the topic. But the number suggests that not all hope is lost and that not all discussions of such a sort end in people treating each other to an episode of silent treatment.

According to a research fellow and senior lecturer in reconciliation and peacebuilding at University of Winchester, Majbritt Lyck-Bowen, it is possible to have a civil discussion with family members even over something as delicate as politics. In a piece for The Conversation, Lyck-Bowen—an expert in conflict resolution—suggested that following five rules can make it possible, starting with not entering a conversation assuming that you are right.

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Expanding on the first rule, the expert suggested that people shouldn’t start a discussion thinking that they’re definitely right about everything and aiming to convince the other party that they need to change their mind. Instead, it’s better to keep an open mind and treat such conversations as opportunities to gain new insight.

Lyck-Bowen continued to emphasize the importance of treating controversy—and each other—with respect, owning to your intentions, challenging your interlocutor while being willing to be challenged yourself, and under no circumstances insulting or threatening each other.

“Sharing our opinions on politics can be an important opportunity to express our authentic selves and be validated and supported in our self-expression,” Dr. Lamarche told Bored Panda. “But while it’s normal to disagree with people we care about, it’s also important as a family to set up clear and respectful boundaries on how to communicate with each other and also how to navigate conflict in a healthy and respectful way.”

In the OP’s situation, however, the problem wasn’t facing difficulties discussing politics with her brother; it was the time and the place he chose to talk about it. Not wanting to turn her celebration of love into a political event, the woman gave her brother an ultimatum—either he takes his political speeches elsewhere or doesn’t come to the wedding at all—which wasn’t received well by her family.

“The consensus bias means that we can inadvertently fall into the trap of believing that people around us share the same beliefs as us, especially when we feel really strongly connected to those around us, such as is often the case with friends and family. This makes it all the more challenging to keep from bringing up sensitive topics because we want others to validate and share in our passion for the issue,” Dr. Lamarche pointed out.

“However, it’s important to remember what the aim of the gathering is. When we gather for weddings and similar events, we should be focused on celebrating that family member’s special day and achievements, and possibly resist the temptation to engage in discussions that could detract from that goal.”

Fellow netizens supported the woman and didn’t think she was a jerk to give her brother an ultimatum

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