"A toxic mother usually refers to a mother who consistently harms their child's emotional, mental or physical welfare through their words, actions and behaviors," clinical psychologist Ellen I. Carni, Ph.D., who specializes in helping people heal from toxic mother relationships. 

The term 'toxic' gets thrown around pretty easily these days. Dr. Carni, too, warns against using it lightly. "'Toxic' is a strong term. When I use it, I refer to 'toxic' as a spectrum of harmful behavior, rather than the worst possible behavior because, in most cases of the challenging mothering I see, 'toxic' is a matter of degree. Many so called 'toxic mothers' can also have good qualities, which is why it can be so hard for adult children to separate."

However, Dr. Carni says that adults use the term 'toxic mother' to describe mothers "who continues to undermine their child's decisions and, in general, emotional safety (in rare cases physical safety) even after the child is grown up and capable of making their own choices."

"These mothers can be manipulative, controlling, critical, gaslighting, boundary-violating, emotionally absent or narcissistic and otherwise toxic, maintaining a dynamic where the adult child feels pressured to please her and never truly feels 'good enough," Dr. Carni explains.

Years ago, Dr. Carni developed a quiz titled "Is Your Mother Toxic?" In it, she identified eight types of unhealthy relationship between a mother and her child.

1. Holds You Hostage: this mother will only support you if you make choices she approves of. She may withdraw love if you make your own choices or, at worst, cuts you off.

2. Besties: this mother wants to be your best friend. She wants to know every detail of your life. You feel smothered.

3. Boss and Subordinate – this mother tries to control and dominate your life. She expects you to follow her rules and expectations. She's demanding, rigid and closed-minded. She makes you feel you have to be perfect to win her approval.

4. Rivals: this mother sees you as a rival, a threat. She compares herself to you to see who is smarter, thinner, prettier or more successful. She is often insecure about herself around you.

Dr. Carni continues with the four remaining types of toxic relationships: 

5. Role Reversal: this mother expects you to mother her and be there to support her. It is one-sided. She is concerned about her own needs, wanting nurturing from you.

6. Enmeshed: this relationship is co-dependent. She’ll give you love if you give her love. You cannot separate from each other.

7. Good Mom/Bad Mom: the relationship is erratic. You never know whether the good Mom or bad Mom will show up. She runs hot and cold. Sometimes she puts up a good image in public but is cold and rejecting when you are alone.

8. Abandoning Mom: this mother is emotionally and/or physically unavailable. She withdraws love. She may give love you your siblings.

Those who have a toxic relationship with their mother shouldn't judge themselves. "Your experience is valid. Your feelings are valid," Dr. Carni says. "Your mother's bad behavior is not a reflection of your self-worth. Treat yourself with compassion. Avoid comparing yourself to others on social media. Take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Partake in activities that are enjoyable."

Dr. Carni says that it's important to express your emotions in a constructive way. "Talk to a trusted friend. Journal. Write a letter and burn it. Even sports, exercise or art can release feelings. By all means, seek out therapy. Examine yourself. What might you be contributing to the toxic dynamic?" 

Dr. Ellen also reminds us that relationships can change, they are not static. "Your relationship with your mother is an ongoing evolution from your birth to her [passing]. Where you are with her today may not be where you are with her a year from now or five or 10. If you've done enough work on yourself you might be able to forgive her for what she wasn't able to give you."

Through therapy, other healing methods, and with time, a person might be able to see the big picture. There's often a reason why mothers are the way they are and parent the way they do. "What was her mother like to her and her mother’s mother to your grandmother? How many generations back does the toxicity go? Staying with the big picture will keep you from carrying resentful feelings in your head all the time," Dr. Carni notes. "It doesn't make bad behavior right but it gives you a broader perspective on human behavior." 

The licensed psychologist tells Bored Panda that people can seek mother figures elsewhere. Aunts, grandmothers, mentors, even music teachers or coaches can fill a bit of the void that a toxic mother has left. "As an adult, you can make choices that you couldn't as a child. Make them wisely," Dr. Carni adds.

"Naturally, I am a big believer in psychotherapy. I attribute my success in resolving things with my own toxic mother to my therapy. I was one of the lucky ones," Dr. Carni tells Bored Panda. "She changed once I could forgive her."

"But, in any event, I worked through all my feelings – guilt, shame, rage, loneliness, sadness – and was able to accept her for who she was. I grieved what was and what couldn't be and built an identity apart from her. You can do all of this, too," she encourages.

Dr. Carni mentions that a good therapist will validate a person's experience and be their ally. "You can find a safe, compassionate space from which to explore your hurt feelings without fear of judgment. You can let go of the past that set you up for pain."

"You can form healthy boundaries. You can prioritize your emotional needs in a positive and loving way. You can tame the inner critical voices of your mother. You can claim your own authentic and creative self without guilt or shame."