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“Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage
Interview With Expert
Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows that not every day can be perfect. Love prevails, even through disagreements and difficult moments, but a relationship can’t all be sunshine and rainbows. And because the people we love the most have the potential to hurt us the most, it’s inevitable that our partners will at some point cause us pain.
Women on Reddit have recently been sharing the things they’ve had to forgive and move past for the sake of their relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their stories below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the stories that strike a chord with you.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Maybe not what you mean, but a major thing I had to get over
It doesn't have to be done my way. It doesn't have to be 100% clean. If I want it done my way, to my standard, then I have to do it but it's okay for things to be done to a lesser standard if it means I don't have to do everything always. He doesn't clean the way I would, and he will always miss certain things, but at least he's cleaning too. I don't have to love his cooking, at least he's cooking so I don't have to make every meal. As long as he's trying, we don't fight about it. I never used to accept good enough, now I do.
François Bouzigues 1 year ago
This is huge. So many couples are having arguments because partner A does 90% of the chores in a limited time and here comes partner B taking 3 hours to clean the kitchen sparkling but nothing else is done and suddenly partner B "needs to do everything by themselves otherwise nothing is done"
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#2
I was reading “The Bourne Identity.” He had already finished it. We got in a fight, and he told me how it ended. That was in 1985. I have technically forgiven him, but in my heart - not really.
To learn more about how important forgiveness is in relationships, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.
"Forgiveness is one of those words that no one defines!" the expert shared. "It means very different things to different people. For some, it means moving on, for others forgetting – which is impossible to do."
"A good definition is 'giving up the right to bear a grudge,' which means you don’t bring it up in future arguments or make your partner feel bad about it, but you can still say, 'This triggers memories of when you did x, even though I know we worked through it at the time.' So don’t put pressure on yourself to forgive without thinking through what it means," Rachel explained.
#3
First baby. The baby was in the NICU due to complications so I was alone in the room. My FIL comes from out of town and he doesn’t drive so my husband spent 4 days being his chauffeur and taking him shopping and out to eat while I’m in the hospital alone, sick (I had developed a bad infection), spending as much time as I can down in the NICU trying to nurse a baby covered in tubes and wires, eating hospital food while my husband and FIL ate nice restaurant food. When did come he had his dad with him and his dad didn’t see any reason to come to the hospital since he couldn’t see the baby, so the visits lasted a few minutes and then FIL wanted to go to a store or go back to the apartment to relax. Husband never came alone. After a few days of being alone I finally lost it on my husband. I was sobbing about how lonely I was and how much he had let me down and how he prioritized his dad over me and his son. He felt horrible and the behavior instantly stopped. He was by my side the rest of my stay and the next time we had a baby he told his dad to stay in a hotel and get a cab to the hospital.
I forgave this but I’ve never forgotten it.
#4
My husband got drunk, fell asleep on the couch and dropped our newborn on the floor. He didn't wake up. I came out of bed after hearing the continuous screams to find our baby face down on the floor. I was so f*****g angry. We have since moved past that, his apologies & he no longer gets drunk with the baby in his care. I haven't forgotten, but I do forgive him. I saw how upset he was with himself.
Panda Kicki 1 year ago
They are really lucky the child is alive. Falling asleep drunk on a couch with a baby is a common suffocation cause for the baby. I would never have entrusted him with a child again.
#5
I started running last year and signed up for a local race to have something to train for. My husband runs 2-3 miles a day and wanted to do it with me so I let him. I over-trained the week of the race and with just over a mile left in the race, my hip completely gives out and I can barely walk, much less run the remainder. I’m heartbroken and so disappointed in myself. He already runs faster than I do so he finished the race by the time I texted him that I was going to be a while because I had an injury. I wanted to finish so I walked the remainder. When I got to the finish line about twenty minutes later, he’d already left because it was “super hot” and he wanted to get in air conditioning sooner. So I had to cross the finish line alone and in a ton of pain. It took me a long time to forgive him and I still won’t race with him anymore because he’s just not supportive.
Rachel also says that understanding might be a healthier first response than immediately jumping to forgiveness. "You need to understand why they behaved that way, what’s important to them in that situation, what needs were met through the behavior," she explained.
"If they don’t have insight into this, you might request they get some support for that, so they don’t repeat the behavior," she added. "Maybe it’s linked to a mental health issue or disability or neurodivergent trait that they can’t change or that's beyond their current capacity to change. And then they need to hear your needs and what’s important to you in the situation, and you need to feel fully heard."
#6
Forgot me in the hospital. I had told him to pick me up at 2pm, and he agreed. 2 pm comes and goes, 3 pm comes and goes... I have no money for a bus ticket because I had been too stressed to properly pack my bag when I went to the hospital.
I walked the 10km home, where he was working and completely unaware of the time.
Mila Preradović 1 year ago
My husband forgot me in the car when he picked up me & newborn. Parked in front of the house, took the baby first, had to come to help me cause a) I couldn't sit / get up / move properly and b) it was a small 2 door Mazda hatchback and I was in the back seat, stranded behind the driver's seat, unable to push it forward and exit myself. He just sat on the couch with the baby completely infatuated, I had to call him on his phone about ten minutes in, after I realized I'd been forgotten :D I still don't let him live it down :D
#7
His mom. He had to learn (and thankfully did, but not without many arguments) to not feel that his first responsibility is his mom and brothers, but his partner (and later kids). Took 10 years to fully do so. It’s been 10 more blissful ones since.
Vasana Phong 1 year ago
My situation similar but reversed, my husband is the eldest (41) brother (36) brother (33) his mom expects him to financially support all of them and their kids, while they’re living with her draining up all her household resources ( we’re supposed to fill that gap) I don’t think so
#8
When we were dating he was too much involved in his work, I didn't feel valued and voiced it many times. He said that it wouldn't be the same if we lived together. I had hard times trusting that. It was hard to believe that he would actually change. He asked me to move in 3 times. I declined 2 times. I was still very worried and stashing away breakup money in case it didn't work out. Even before it was the end of the 1st month together, he proved me wrong and made me feel like we're a united front and a family. Coincidentally, I went through the most difficult times of my life. I had family problems and health issues that keep appearing. I eventually got depressed. He stood by me, took me to my doctor's appointments, made necessary changes for me to feel better even though it wasn't his jam at all. We moved to a much calmer neighbourhood and he bought me a super soft bed due to my intense back pains. He believed that we should stay in a busy area because I'd have more distractions to feel better and he believed that hard bed is much better for my back. The neighbourhood change took my anxiety away and he noticed that. He is now a fierce soft bed advocate. We're more peaceful than ever. We got married last year and expecting our first baby in January.
"Don’t be too quick to say, 'I forgive you,' and don’t feel under pressure to forgive just because your partner asks you for forgiveness," Rachel continued. "Unless you’ve fully processed it, you’ll just bury your feelings, and there will be resentment or insecurity."
"The partner who has wronged must take time to fully acknowledge how they have hurt their partner and how they feel about that," the expert says. "They need to acknowledge what’s important to their partner. In the example of folding the laundry, the partner needs to recognize what having clothes that aren’t creased represents. This is not a quick fix."
#9
Since he was suffering from childhood trauma I could not share my emotions openly. I would have to sort of wait to see if he is emotionally stable enough for me to unload myself on him. He has been able to provide me emotional support but sometimes I have had to deal it myself or put it aside to provide support to him because his issue was more damaging emotionally.
arthbach 1 year ago
There are times when a partner is unable to provide emotional support (for what ever reason). This doesn't mean people should go without support. Talk with friends, join support groups (in person, or on-line), talk with a therapist. There's lots of way gain emotional support. It's often counter productive to seek all emotional support from one person.
#10
I was very dizzy and very tired for a couple weeks. He kept telling me I was fine and essentially saying I was being overdramatic about it.
I went to the hospital and as it turns out I was incredibly anemic and required three blood transfusions over a two day period.
He felt very, very bad.
VioletHunter 1 year ago
I absolutely hate it when men downplay your illness. Then suddenly a doctor tells them and it's all concern. As if I can't possibly be believed about my own body.
#11
Used “qat” on a triple word score in Scrabble. Never forget.
Rachel also shared some wise words about how to know if we're sacrificing too much for our partner. "A good way to approach things is to say, 'How can we balance both our sets of needs?' You don’t want to sacrifice your mental health or too much of your capacity or to repress your needs or emotions," she explained.
"The word 'sacrifice' frames the issue negatively – as a loss rather than a gain," the expert continued. "We have to ask, 'Do I have the capacity to do this in the long-term?' If it’s a behavior change, that is more than a one-off."
If you'd like to hear more advice from Rachel or seek guidance about your own relationship, be sure to visit her website right here!
#12
My husband was in charge of the laundry, because I was the breadwinner and he was home freelancing and watching over the kids. I would fold laundry because he was a sloppy folder.
I wore dressy T-shirts or knit blouses and turtlenecks for work. He would just shove them into the laundry basket to bring them up from the apt. bldg basement laundry facility, and they’d be incredibly creased by the time they cooled off.
That was bad enough, and then I hit a depression and an incredibly judgmental boss. I was fighting suicide ideation, and the weight of not being able to quit (I was the breadwinner, and he was bringing in $5,000/year—and I had the health insurance through my job, and it was pre-ACA).
I started really resenting that he wasn’t supporting me better. He didn’t do any f*****g research about health care alternatives, even if only for the kids; he wouldn’t look for a full-time job; he didn’t seem to be working that hard to find freelance work. His idea of supporting me was to hug me in the front hall as I sobbed about going in to work. AND HE COULDN’T EVEN JUST PULL MY SHIRTS OUT AND DRAPE THEM OVER SOMETHING SO THEY WOULDN’T WRINKLE.
I laid it out for him—that this wrinkled-shirts thing was hugely symbolic to me, that it meant more than just “or I look rumpled or have to iron things.” That it was important. He remembered to take hangers down three times (to put the shirts on as they came out of the dryer), and then stopped.
I really did consciously decide that I wanted to stay married, I had to stop depending on him for this; divorce wouldn’t have solved anything, and it seemed stupid to get divorced over his inability to remember not to cram my shirts down into the laundry basket.
And I got my own hamper and did my own laundry. But it was a major, major piece of distancing. To this day I don’t think he knows what a huge blow to our marriage it was. I couldn’t rely on him—I had to do it myself. It was massively symbolic. It reverberated for years.
I think he thought my doing my own laundry was just a pragmatic solution, instead of evidence of a huge, huge blow to the foundation of marriage.
#13
Spoiler alert: happy ending.
On our first date, hadn’t met in person yet, he stood me up.
I was extremely busy after we matched on bumble but he was so awesome from our chats it’s almost like he was a catfish that was designed specifically for me, that when he convinced me to meet him after work even though I only had a 1 hour window free (we had already planned a date the following week but he couldn’t wait) — I took it. It was late and it was a dive bar, I sat alone getting hit on by a local drunk named trevor while he ignored my texts. The last text I sent read, “what benefit is it to you to stand me up?” Then I went home. I was finishing up a lease getting ready to move a few days later and was still living in the house that I shared with my ex despite being broken up for several months at this point while he lived in a motorhome, so I had to walk of shame by my ex into my packed up empty house while I was already feeling low.
The next morning I woke up to my phone blowing up. Apology text after apology text starting in the middle of the night with an extremely weak excuse about falling asleep on the couch. He also asked what he could do to make it up to me. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore but I would go on our original date later that week if he did 2 things. Took a photo of himself with that days paper to prove he wasn’t a catfish, and then on our actual date he had to take a picture in front of the restaurant proving he was there before I even left my house. I literally laid in my new room (had moved by this point) dressed to the nines waiting for proof and then I got into my car and drove the 15 minutes to meet him.
Ended up being the best date of my life, and the love of my life... a few years later we now live together and are discussing getting engaged. We aren’t perfect but he’s my best friend and kind and thoughtful. I also see how sleepy he is. I would never ever advise someone to give a man that doesn’t value your time a second chance, but it blows my mind how close I was to not having him in my life.
#14
Time blindness. His job is 10 minutes from home so when he tells me he’s about to leave I expect him to be here within 30 minutes. But the issue is that we have different definitions of “about to leave” - mine is in the car, pulling into traffic. His is thinking about gathering up his stuff, chatting with a coworker, cleaning up some last minute things. He thinks these things take no extra time, meanwhile I think he’s upside down in a ditch.
I’m also pretty good at guessing how long errands will take and he’s …not. Im never late for anything, he can’t say the same. There’s a 0% chance that he’s trying to sneak off and do other things, he just doesn’t understand time in the same way I do.
Our system is that I’m in charge of departure times and I don’t wait for him to get home to do something. If we’ve agreed that he’d be home for dinner at 7 but he’s not here until 8, he knows that I’ve already eaten. It’s not perfect but keeps me from becoming a monster or resentment building up.
Tyke 1 year ago
My husband is similar so I've become more explicit in my language and he's slowly starting to do the same. So instead of when I'm in the office saying "I'm about to leave", I say "I'm packing up and getting on my bike, will be out the door by 5pm", or "I'm walking out the door to come home"
#15
Said that my nan dying was nothing like when her dog died, she was politely asked to leave our house for a few hours.
#16
An emotional affair. He claims to have not realized he was even doing it (and maybe that’s true) but when you’re deleting messages because you’re worried your wife will see, you should know it’s not appropriate.
Now it’s years later and as far as I know, he keeps all his girl friends out in the open and I get a long with almost all of them or at the very least trust him with them. I’m glad it worked out because we have had some really great times after forgiving him.
Honcho Chorcoran (who/cares) 1 year ago
My husband had an emotional affair with the long time (9 years) gf of my best friend of 35 years. She told him she was attracted to him, he said that he was attracted to her. She kept pushing for a physical relationship but he refused. They would still get up at 5am to text one another in secrecy. Every morning I would wake up to an empty bed. Eventually my friend found her texts and got extremely upset. He told my husband that if he didn't come clean to me, my friend would. So a week before our 23rd anniversary and anniversary vacation, he laid this on me. It was horrible and we almost divorced. In the end I lost my friend of three decades as well, all because of two stupid people who I loved and blindly trusted. Thanks for listening.
#17
My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I knew this from when we met over 10 years ago. He is not a raging drunk nor abusive in any way. My cousin once told me to decide before marriage if it’s something you are ok with because it will come up again and again. I have made my peace with it and don’t hold it against him. He doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t drink and drive. It worries me for his long term health, but I can only lead a horse to water.
UpupaEpops 1 year ago
Functional alcoholism is the worst. I have someone in my life, they don't even realize it's a problem and get super defensive about it. Meanwhile, I'm watching their mental fitness deteriorate and there is nothing I can do. It hurts so much having to accept that it's coming to a point where I will either have to sacrifice myself to care for them or leave them behind so I can start living.
#18
We’re long-distance (have been for the entire almost-6 years we’ve been together, including the almost-3 years we’ve been married) and it’s been tough, but the green card application process is hopefully nearing its end.
#19
In our almost 3 decades together: Working opposite shifts and him confessing he is attracted to two of my closest friends, not at the same time. He even shared his fantasies with each of them.
#20
About 6 years into dating, my now husband, was not there to support me when my aunt was dying of cancer. We were close and she and my dad were inseparable they were those kind of siblings that they were each other's best friends. It was really hard on my entire family.
Granted I did not say I wanted him with me and I've always been a very blunt person so he took that as me not needing him, but it hurt.
His friend was getting married and the timing was right around the time the bachelor party and the wedding were happening in two weekends back to back and it coincided with when my aunt was declining badly. So while he drove to go camping with his friend for his bachelor party I was driving another 3 hours to another city to see my aunt for the last time.
I was not mature about the way I approached it with him but I was pretty emotionally drained at that point. When we both got back he knew I was not feeling loving towards him at that moment.
After her funeral and everything died down we just had a really honest conversation with each other and talked about boundaries and responsibilities toward each other moving forward whether there were situations where we asked each other to be there or whether it's something that should be understood.
We've both grown a lot since then and of course we're older. It was one of the only major fights we've ever had and we've been together for over 14 years now. I think it made us stronger but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt.
Janelle Collard 1 year ago
If you don't tell someone what you need, it makes it hard for them to give it to you.
#21
Turned me down when I asked him out.
Met him starting out hanging out as platonic friends, eventually had feelings so I asked him out. He was a commitment-phobe who loved being single so he basically was like "I love being friends but I'm not interested." Things were pretty cool for a bit but eventually we were back to being best friends until about a year and a half later and he was like "I'm happiest when I'm with you, when we're not together I can't wait to be with you and share all the cool things I've seen and heard whole you weren't here. Maybe I've already f****d this up but can we still try and see how this would work as a couple?"
Now we're going on 3 years married.
Carla Phillips 1 year ago
I had a story similar to this. Met a guy, friends with benefits situation but I caught feelings. He was well aware, never took advantage of my emotions, but made it clear that was not where we were headed. He was one of my best friends so I took having him in my life however I could. Few months later, I met my now husband. We had been dating a few months when a letter came in the mail. He fully confessed his feeling and how what he needed was right in front of him the whole time, Yada Yada Yada. It was very painful to have to tell him I was in a relationship as I truly did love him but it wouldn't have been fair to my current boyfriend/ future husband. I am still really good friends with the original guy and we both play what might have been when we get up in our feelings too much. I'm glad to count him as a friend though, just a different kind of love now.
#22
He snores and needs the TV going. I wear earplugs and he now puts earbuds in and listens to YouTube on his phone. I'd rather this than sleep without him.
#23
His ADHD. Can’t do s**t about it, besides keep him insured and medicated. And breathe….in, now out…..
Witty-Pianist-2063:
I've learned that so many of the things that irked my about my husband of 10 years stem from his recebtly diagnosed ADHD. Now it makes so much sense and that he wasn't being dismissive or flippant. His intentions are important to me, so knowing Why things occurred the way they did, comforts me. I am still learning about him after so many years and feel even more connected than before. Communication has been key. He explains himself to me now, so I'm not making up my own assumptions on the Whys
MarvinsMom 1 year ago
I have OCD and my husband has ADHD (basically polar opposite on how we view tasks/getting things done) and couples therapy was SO helpful. It took me long time to realize he wasn't being lazy, he literally gets paralyzed. So we now have ways to work around each other's mental health stuff and it has probably saved our relationship :)
#24
My husband forgot to buy a Christmas gift for me this past year. He went to Walmart maybe an hour before the store closed on the 24th and I have some Tums and eyeglasses wipes in my stocking on Christmas morning. Not having anything under the tree on Christmas morning isn’t a huge deal to me. It’s more about the thought that goes into a gift for me, and this had very little thought behind it.
We’ve moved past that and he ended up getting me something that’s super meaningful. And I really hope he remembers that thought counts more than anything. It would have never been an issue if he originally ordered what he ended up getting as a gift and just said it wouldn’t be here until January.
Tempest 1 year ago
An ex of mine completely and purposefully ignored my last birthday which was supposed to be a special one to me. We were both studying abroad and that birthday was the only one I had in that country before leaving it (all of the previous ones were over holidays back home). I was so excited to have a memorable birthday in a foreign country. It was also the only one he and I were in the same place for and so the only time he was supposed to surprise/treat me. I’ve celebrated several of his birthdays, getting involved in his surprise party planning and putting extra thought into getting him special gifts. Even during our long-distance period of the relationship I still managed to at least send him something small while he never sent me as much as a card. That birthday he didn’t get me a gift or plan anything (after telling me over the years that he'll give me a great birthday abroad). He did get me a gift months later but that was cause I made him feel guilty so it’s not a genuine gift.
#25
No sex at all after marriage. Apart from that, they are an amazing spouse and wonderful human being. At all means just that.
GettingCereal 1 year ago
I hope it's only been like four months. It seems weird for it to just shut down like that.
#26
He ran up $2k money on a credit card I didn’t have the log in info for and I didn’t know had a balance on it (I am the financial person and schedule all the bill payments and I’ve been trying very hard to manage our finances to get us out of credit card debt). I understand how and why, he is extremely depressed and he was buying video games which are pretty much the only thing that help him feel better for some amount of time, but I felt extremely betrayed. He thought I was mad about the money, which sure but wasn’t the main issue, I felt like he lied to me even if it was by omission. I was furious and heartbroken. We got a therapy session ASAP and it took awhile for me to forgive him but we worked through it. It absolutely helped that he was extremely remorseful and was willing to do anything I asked him to do that would make me feel better.
That’s the worst and pretty much only thing he’s done, which is why I was willing to work through it. Had it been the worst of a string of things I would have left and sought a divorce.
cerinamroth 1 year ago
Oh sweetie, I understand this. Financial betrayal is still betrayal. My husband ran up a load of debt and quit his job without telling me, two weeks before I gave birth to our son! It was probably the closest we have come to our marriage falling apart. I didn't even want him in the delivery room with me and the stress absolutely wrecked the bonding process with my little boy. He's just turned 2 and I've only just started to feel close to him. I think I will always hold my husband a bit responsible for that, although I try not to for my son's sake.
#27
The biggest thing we’ve ever compromised on is where to live. Since everything else in our relationship was healthy and strong, I decided to try living in a new city. Turns out we didn’t stay there more than a few years and moved to a better city we both love better.
CrunChewy McSandybutt 1 year ago
The spousal unit and I moved to New Orleans so he could pursue his music career. After seven years he decided he didn't like it there (the city has a lot of problems) and so we moved back to California. It cost a lot of money and I had to sell all my stuff twice in a decade. It is what it is, I guess.
#28
His STUFF lol. There is so much clutter in our house because he will never get rid of anything. It drives me nuts. I don’t get too attached to “things” and am very happy to throw stuff away that I don’t need, but he will come up with a reason to keep absolutely anything. He gets this from his mom, who never threw anything out. And when his parents moved to a smaller house, they downsized by sending us all his childhood c**p. I’m talkin baby shoes, old beat up toys…don’t get me wrong, I’m as sentimental as the next person but it’s just ridiculous. I used to get on his case to get rid of stuff but I’ve just learned to live with it. Thankfully most of it is in his office that I rarely go into, but that’s also where the washer/dryer are so I have to step over and push things out of the way whenever I do laundry. Most of the time I just make him do it!
Kare Deter 1 year ago
How is it that minimalists marry hoarders? My hubby never throws things out, to the point that he makes a production out of throwing out a box to an item we haven't owned in years... "see? I'm throwing this out" - "here's your gold f'ing star dude". I'm constantly shoveling sh*t against the tide in my house just for my own sanity.
#29
He opened the Amazon box with his Christmas present after we had just talked about how I hated him accidentally opening my mail, and specifically told him that his Christmas present would arrive and not to open it.
That was our first fight and he still doesn't understand why I feel so strongly about it, but he doesn't open my mail anymore.
Edit: he hadn't lived with anyone in a long time and wasn't in the habit of reading labels. It wasn't malicious or nosy, just forgetful.
#30
Still not proposed after 12 years even though he's fully aware of my desire to be married. I've since accepted it. He has issues with marriage due to multiple family members divorcing when he was young.
What do you think ?
Brobro McDuderson 1 year ago
Tomorrow we’re gonna see the other post called “60 men Share What They’ve Forgiven Or Looked Past To Have Happiness In Their Marriages” (interview with experts)… Right?
R Dennis 1 year ago
Lol... you know how BP works... that's not until after three more articles on "why Americans suck", two more "men are bad"s, and one or two "why it sucks to have kids".
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Brobro McDuderson 1 year ago
Tomorrow we’re gonna see the other post called “60 men Share What They’ve Forgiven Or Looked Past To Have Happiness In Their Marriages” (interview with experts)… Right?
R Dennis 1 year ago
Lol... you know how BP works... that's not until after three more articles on "why Americans suck", two more "men are bad"s, and one or two "why it sucks to have kids".
Load More Replies... You May Like 50 Times Partners Took 'Clueless' To The Next Level Parents Pay For Son While Charging Daughter $10k In “Back Rent”, She Gets Revenge On Thanksgiving “Tears Each Christmas”: Man Ruins Christmas For Wife Every Year, Pushes Her To Consider Divorce
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