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Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows that not every day can be perfect. Love prevails, even through disagreements and difficult moments, but a relationship can’t all be sunshine and rainbows. And because the people we love the most have the potential to hurt us the most, it’s inevitable that our partners will at some point cause us pain. 

Women on Reddit have recently been sharing the things they’ve had to forgive and move past for the sake of their relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their stories below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, and be sure to upvote the stories that strike a chord with you.  

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#1

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Maybe not what you mean, but a major thing I had to get over

It doesn't have to be done my way. It doesn't have to be 100% clean. If I want it done my way, to my standard, then I have to do it but it's okay for things to be done to a lesser standard if it means I don't have to do everything always. He doesn't clean the way I would, and he will always miss certain things, but at least he's cleaning too. I don't have to love his cooking, at least he's cooking so I don't have to make every meal. As long as he's trying, we don't fight about it. I never used to accept good enough, now I do.

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François Bouzigues
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is huge. So many couples are having arguments because partner A does 90% of the chores in a limited time and here comes partner B taking 3 hours to clean the kitchen sparkling but nothing else is done and suddenly partner B "needs to do everything by themselves otherwise nothing is done"

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#2

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage I was reading “The Bourne Identity.” He had already finished it. We got in a fight, and he told me how it ended. That was in 1985. I have technically forgiven him, but in my heart - not really.

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Roger9er
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get that it may be hard not to spoil a good story ending, but, hey, come on man. That's just lame.

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To learn more about how important forgiveness is in relationships, we reached out to UK-based Dating and Relationships Coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda.

"Forgiveness is one of those words that no one defines!" the expert shared. "It means very different things to different people. For some, it means moving on, for others forgetting – which is impossible to do."

"A good definition is 'giving up the right to bear a grudge,' which means you don’t bring it up in future arguments or make your partner feel bad about it, but you can still say, 'This triggers memories of when you did x, even though I know we worked through it at the time.' So don’t put pressure on yourself to forgive without thinking through what it means," Rachel explained.

#3

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage First baby. The baby was in the NICU due to complications so I was alone in the room. My FIL comes from out of town and he doesn’t drive so my husband spent 4 days being his chauffeur and taking him shopping and out to eat while I’m in the hospital alone, sick (I had developed a bad infection), spending as much time as I can down in the NICU trying to nurse a baby covered in tubes and wires, eating hospital food while my husband and FIL ate nice restaurant food. When did come he had his dad with him and his dad didn’t see any reason to come to the hospital since he couldn’t see the baby, so the visits lasted a few minutes and then FIL wanted to go to a store or go back to the apartment to relax. Husband never came alone. After a few days of being alone I finally lost it on my husband. I was sobbing about how lonely I was and how much he had let me down and how he prioritized his dad over me and his son. He felt horrible and the behavior instantly stopped. He was by my side the rest of my stay and the next time we had a baby he told his dad to stay in a hotel and get a cab to the hospital.

I forgave this but I’ve never forgotten it.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

4 days? The FIRST day would have been a ultimatum on his priorities.

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#4

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage My husband got drunk, fell asleep on the couch and dropped our newborn on the floor. He didn't wake up. I came out of bed after hearing the continuous screams to find our baby face down on the floor. I was so f*****g angry. We have since moved past that, his apologies & he no longer gets drunk with the baby in his care. I haven't forgotten, but I do forgive him. I saw how upset he was with himself.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They are really lucky the child is alive. Falling asleep drunk on a couch with a baby is a common suffocation cause for the baby. I would never have entrusted him with a child again.

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#5

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage I started running last year and signed up for a local race to have something to train for. My husband runs 2-3 miles a day and wanted to do it with me so I let him. I over-trained the week of the race and with just over a mile left in the race, my hip completely gives out and I can barely walk, much less run the remainder. I’m heartbroken and so disappointed in myself. He already runs faster than I do so he finished the race by the time I texted him that I was going to be a while because I had an injury. I wanted to finish so I walked the remainder. When I got to the finish line about twenty minutes later, he’d already left because it was “super hot” and he wanted to get in air conditioning sooner. So I had to cross the finish line alone and in a ton of pain. It took me a long time to forgive him and I still won’t race with him anymore because he’s just not supportive.

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Rachel also says that understanding might be a healthier first response than immediately jumping to forgiveness. "You need to understand why they behaved that way, what’s important to them in that situation, what needs were met through the behavior," she explained.

"If they don’t have insight into this, you might request they get some support for that, so they don’t repeat the behavior," she added. "Maybe it’s linked to a mental health issue or disability or neurodivergent trait that they can’t change or that's beyond their current capacity to change. And then they need to hear your needs and what’s important to you in the situation, and you need to feel fully heard."
#6

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Forgot me in the hospital. I had told him to pick me up at 2pm, and he agreed. 2 pm comes and goes, 3 pm comes and goes... I have no money for a bus ticket because I had been too stressed to properly pack my bag when I went to the hospital.
I walked the 10km home, where he was working and completely unaware of the time.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband forgot me in the car when he picked up me & newborn. Parked in front of the house, took the baby first, had to come to help me cause a) I couldn't sit / get up / move properly and b) it was a small 2 door Mazda hatchback and I was in the back seat, stranded behind the driver's seat, unable to push it forward and exit myself. He just sat on the couch with the baby completely infatuated, I had to call him on his phone about ten minutes in, after I realized I'd been forgotten :D I still don't let him live it down :D

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#7

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage His mom. He had to learn (and thankfully did, but not without many arguments) to not feel that his first responsibility is his mom and brothers, but his partner (and later kids). Took 10 years to fully do so. It’s been 10 more blissful ones since.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My situation similar but reversed, my husband is the eldest (41) brother (36) brother (33) his mom expects him to financially support all of them and their kids, while they’re living with her draining up all her household resources ( we’re supposed to fill that gap) I don’t think so

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#8

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage When we were dating he was too much involved in his work, I didn't feel valued and voiced it many times. He said that it wouldn't be the same if we lived together. I had hard times trusting that. It was hard to believe that he would actually change. He asked me to move in 3 times. I declined 2 times. I was still very worried and stashing away breakup money in case it didn't work out. Even before it was the end of the 1st month together, he proved me wrong and made me feel like we're a united front and a family. Coincidentally, I went through the most difficult times of my life. I had family problems and health issues that keep appearing. I eventually got depressed. He stood by me, took me to my doctor's appointments, made necessary changes for me to feel better even though it wasn't his jam at all. We moved to a much calmer neighbourhood and he bought me a super soft bed due to my intense back pains. He believed that we should stay in a busy area because I'd have more distractions to feel better and he believed that hard bed is much better for my back. The neighbourhood change took my anxiety away and he noticed that. He is now a fierce soft bed advocate. We're more peaceful than ever. We got married last year and expecting our first baby in January.

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"Don’t be too quick to say, 'I forgive you,' and don’t feel under pressure to forgive just because your partner asks you for forgiveness," Rachel continued. "Unless you’ve fully processed it, you’ll just bury your feelings, and there will be resentment or insecurity."

"The partner who has wronged must take time to fully acknowledge how they have hurt their partner and how they feel about that," the expert says. "They need to acknowledge what’s important to their partner. In the example of folding the laundry, the partner needs to recognize what having clothes that aren’t creased represents. This is not a quick fix."
#9

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Since he was suffering from childhood trauma I could not share my emotions openly. I would have to sort of wait to see if he is emotionally stable enough for me to unload myself on him. He has been able to provide me emotional support but sometimes I have had to deal it myself or put it aside to provide support to him because his issue was more damaging emotionally.

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arthbach
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There are times when a partner is unable to provide emotional support (for what ever reason). This doesn't mean people should go without support. Talk with friends, join support groups (in person, or on-line), talk with a therapist. There's lots of way gain emotional support. It's often counter productive to seek all emotional support from one person.

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#10

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage I was very dizzy and very tired for a couple weeks. He kept telling me I was fine and essentially saying I was being overdramatic about it.

I went to the hospital and as it turns out I was incredibly anemic and required three blood transfusions over a two day period.

He felt very, very bad.

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VioletHunter
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I absolutely hate it when men downplay your illness. Then suddenly a doctor tells them and it's all concern. As if I can't possibly be believed about my own body.

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#11

Used “qat” on a triple word score in Scrabble. Never forget.

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Rachel also shared some wise words about how to know if we're sacrificing too much for our partner. "A good way to approach things is to say, 'How can we balance both our sets of needs?' You don’t want to sacrifice your mental health or too much of your capacity or to repress your needs or emotions," she explained.

"The word 'sacrifice' frames the issue negatively – as a loss rather than a gain," the expert continued. "We have to ask, 'Do I have the capacity to do this in the long-term?' If it’s a behavior change, that is more than a one-off."

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If you'd like to hear more advice from Rachel or seek guidance about your own relationship, be sure to visit her website right here!
#12

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage My husband was in charge of the laundry, because I was the breadwinner and he was home freelancing and watching over the kids. I would fold laundry because he was a sloppy folder.

I wore dressy T-shirts or knit blouses and turtlenecks for work. He would just shove them into the laundry basket to bring them up from the apt. bldg basement laundry facility, and they’d be incredibly creased by the time they cooled off.

That was bad enough, and then I hit a depression and an incredibly judgmental boss. I was fighting suicide ideation, and the weight of not being able to quit (I was the breadwinner, and he was bringing in $5,000/year—and I had the health insurance through my job, and it was pre-ACA).

I started really resenting that he wasn’t supporting me better. He didn’t do any f*****g research about health care alternatives, even if only for the kids; he wouldn’t look for a full-time job; he didn’t seem to be working that hard to find freelance work. His idea of supporting me was to hug me in the front hall as I sobbed about going in to work. AND HE COULDN’T EVEN JUST PULL MY SHIRTS OUT AND DRAPE THEM OVER SOMETHING SO THEY WOULDN’T WRINKLE.

I laid it out for him—that this wrinkled-shirts thing was hugely symbolic to me, that it meant more than just “or I look rumpled or have to iron things.” That it was important. He remembered to take hangers down three times (to put the shirts on as they came out of the dryer), and then stopped.

I really did consciously decide that I wanted to stay married, I had to stop depending on him for this; divorce wouldn’t have solved anything, and it seemed stupid to get divorced over his inability to remember not to cram my shirts down into the laundry basket.

And I got my own hamper and did my own laundry. But it was a major, major piece of distancing. To this day I don’t think he knows what a huge blow to our marriage it was. I couldn’t rely on him—I had to do it myself. It was massively symbolic. It reverberated for years.

I think he thought my doing my own laundry was just a pragmatic solution, instead of evidence of a huge, huge blow to the foundation of marriage.

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1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm responsible for the laundry in our family, because though I have a job as well, my wife works the hardest and honey...even your most delicate blouse is safe with me. Though I understand this piece of text is about way more than just laundry.

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#13

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Spoiler alert: happy ending.

On our first date, hadn’t met in person yet, he stood me up.

I was extremely busy after we matched on bumble but he was so awesome from our chats it’s almost like he was a catfish that was designed specifically for me, that when he convinced me to meet him after work even though I only had a 1 hour window free (we had already planned a date the following week but he couldn’t wait) — I took it. It was late and it was a dive bar, I sat alone getting hit on by a local drunk named trevor while he ignored my texts. The last text I sent read, “what benefit is it to you to stand me up?” Then I went home. I was finishing up a lease getting ready to move a few days later and was still living in the house that I shared with my ex despite being broken up for several months at this point while he lived in a motorhome, so I had to walk of shame by my ex into my packed up empty house while I was already feeling low.

The next morning I woke up to my phone blowing up. Apology text after apology text starting in the middle of the night with an extremely weak excuse about falling asleep on the couch. He also asked what he could do to make it up to me. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore but I would go on our original date later that week if he did 2 things. Took a photo of himself with that days paper to prove he wasn’t a catfish, and then on our actual date he had to take a picture in front of the restaurant proving he was there before I even left my house. I literally laid in my new room (had moved by this point) dressed to the nines waiting for proof and then I got into my car and drove the 15 minutes to meet him.

Ended up being the best date of my life, and the love of my life... a few years later we now live together and are discussing getting engaged. We aren’t perfect but he’s my best friend and kind and thoughtful. I also see how sleepy he is. I would never ever advise someone to give a man that doesn’t value your time a second chance, but it blows my mind how close I was to not having him in my life.

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#14

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Time blindness. His job is 10 minutes from home so when he tells me he’s about to leave I expect him to be here within 30 minutes. But the issue is that we have different definitions of “about to leave” - mine is in the car, pulling into traffic. His is thinking about gathering up his stuff, chatting with a coworker, cleaning up some last minute things. He thinks these things take no extra time, meanwhile I think he’s upside down in a ditch.

I’m also pretty good at guessing how long errands will take and he’s …not. Im never late for anything, he can’t say the same. There’s a 0% chance that he’s trying to sneak off and do other things, he just doesn’t understand time in the same way I do.

Our system is that I’m in charge of departure times and I don’t wait for him to get home to do something. If we’ve agreed that he’d be home for dinner at 7 but he’s not here until 8, he knows that I’ve already eaten. It’s not perfect but keeps me from becoming a monster or resentment building up.

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Tyke
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband is similar so I've become more explicit in my language and he's slowly starting to do the same. So instead of when I'm in the office saying "I'm about to leave", I say "I'm packing up and getting on my bike, will be out the door by 5pm", or "I'm walking out the door to come home"

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#15

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Said that my nan dying was nothing like when her dog died, she was politely asked to leave our house for a few hours.

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1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Grief cannot be compared - no matter who or what you mourn for. It's not measurable.

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#16

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage An emotional affair. He claims to have not realized he was even doing it (and maybe that’s true) but when you’re deleting messages because you’re worried your wife will see, you should know it’s not appropriate.

Now it’s years later and as far as I know, he keeps all his girl friends out in the open and I get a long with almost all of them or at the very least trust him with them. I’m glad it worked out because we have had some really great times after forgiving him.

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Honcho Chorcoran (who/cares)
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband had an emotional affair with the long time (9 years) gf of my best friend of 35 years. She told him she was attracted to him, he said that he was attracted to her. She kept pushing for a physical relationship but he refused. They would still get up at 5am to text one another in secrecy. Every morning I would wake up to an empty bed. Eventually my friend found her texts and got extremely upset. He told my husband that if he didn't come clean to me, my friend would. So a week before our 23rd anniversary and anniversary vacation, he laid this on me. It was horrible and we almost divorced. In the end I lost my friend of three decades as well, all because of two stupid people who I loved and blindly trusted. Thanks for listening.

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#17

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage My husband is a functioning alcoholic. I knew this from when we met over 10 years ago. He is not a raging drunk nor abusive in any way. My cousin once told me to decide before marriage if it’s something you are ok with because it will come up again and again. I have made my peace with it and don’t hold it against him. He doesn’t hit me, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t drink and drive. It worries me for his long term health, but I can only lead a horse to water.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Functional alcoholism is the worst. I have someone in my life, they don't even realize it's a problem and get super defensive about it. Meanwhile, I'm watching their mental fitness deteriorate and there is nothing I can do. It hurts so much having to accept that it's coming to a point where I will either have to sacrifice myself to care for them or leave them behind so I can start living.

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#18

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage We’re long-distance (have been for the entire almost-6 years we’ve been together, including the almost-3 years we’ve been married) and it’s been tough, but the green card application process is hopefully nearing its end.

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#19

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage In our almost 3 decades together: Working opposite shifts and him confessing he is attracted to two of my closest friends, not at the same time. He even shared his fantasies with each of them.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not sure I could forgive someone for this. To be so deliberately cruel ...

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#20

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage About 6 years into dating, my now husband, was not there to support me when my aunt was dying of cancer. We were close and she and my dad were inseparable they were those kind of siblings that they were each other's best friends. It was really hard on my entire family.

Granted I did not say I wanted him with me and I've always been a very blunt person so he took that as me not needing him, but it hurt.

His friend was getting married and the timing was right around the time the bachelor party and the wedding were happening in two weekends back to back and it coincided with when my aunt was declining badly. So while he drove to go camping with his friend for his bachelor party I was driving another 3 hours to another city to see my aunt for the last time.

I was not mature about the way I approached it with him but I was pretty emotionally drained at that point. When we both got back he knew I was not feeling loving towards him at that moment.

After her funeral and everything died down we just had a really honest conversation with each other and talked about boundaries and responsibilities toward each other moving forward whether there were situations where we asked each other to be there or whether it's something that should be understood.

We've both grown a lot since then and of course we're older. It was one of the only major fights we've ever had and we've been together for over 14 years now. I think it made us stronger but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt.

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Janelle Collard
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Premium 1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you don't tell someone what you need, it makes it hard for them to give it to you.

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#21

Turned me down when I asked him out.

Met him starting out hanging out as platonic friends, eventually had feelings so I asked him out. He was a commitment-phobe who loved being single so he basically was like "I love being friends but I'm not interested." Things were pretty cool for a bit but eventually we were back to being best friends until about a year and a half later and he was like "I'm happiest when I'm with you, when we're not together I can't wait to be with you and share all the cool things I've seen and heard whole you weren't here. Maybe I've already f****d this up but can we still try and see how this would work as a couple?"

Now we're going on 3 years married.

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Carla Phillips
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I had a story similar to this. Met a guy, friends with benefits situation but I caught feelings. He was well aware, never took advantage of my emotions, but made it clear that was not where we were headed. He was one of my best friends so I took having him in my life however I could. Few months later, I met my now husband. We had been dating a few months when a letter came in the mail. He fully confessed his feeling and how what he needed was right in front of him the whole time, Yada Yada Yada. It was very painful to have to tell him I was in a relationship as I truly did love him but it wouldn't have been fair to my current boyfriend/ future husband. I am still really good friends with the original guy and we both play what might have been when we get up in our feelings too much. I'm glad to count him as a friend though, just a different kind of love now.

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#22

He snores and needs the TV going. I wear earplugs and he now puts earbuds in and listens to YouTube on his phone. I'd rather this than sleep without him.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He probably has sleep apnea. It can be fatal if untreated. Get him to a doctor.

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#23

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage His ADHD. Can’t do s**t about it, besides keep him insured and medicated. And breathe….in, now out…..

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I've learned that so many of the things that irked my about my husband of 10 years stem from his recebtly diagnosed ADHD. Now it makes so much sense and that he wasn't being dismissive or flippant. His intentions are important to me, so knowing Why things occurred the way they did, comforts me. I am still learning about him after so many years and feel even more connected than before. Communication has been key. He explains himself to me now, so I'm not making up my own assumptions on the Whys

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MarvinsMom
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have OCD and my husband has ADHD (basically polar opposite on how we view tasks/getting things done) and couples therapy was SO helpful. It took me long time to realize he wasn't being lazy, he literally gets paralyzed. So we now have ways to work around each other's mental health stuff and it has probably saved our relationship :)

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#24

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage My husband forgot to buy a Christmas gift for me this past year. He went to Walmart maybe an hour before the store closed on the 24th and I have some Tums and eyeglasses wipes in my stocking on Christmas morning. Not having anything under the tree on Christmas morning isn’t a huge deal to me. It’s more about the thought that goes into a gift for me, and this had very little thought behind it.

We’ve moved past that and he ended up getting me something that’s super meaningful. And I really hope he remembers that thought counts more than anything. It would have never been an issue if he originally ordered what he ended up getting as a gift and just said it wouldn’t be here until January.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

An ex of mine completely and purposefully ignored my last birthday which was supposed to be a special one to me. We were both studying abroad and that birthday was the only one I had in that country before leaving it (all of the previous ones were over holidays back home). I was so excited to have a memorable birthday in a foreign country. It was also the only one he and I were in the same place for and so the only time he was supposed to surprise/treat me. I’ve celebrated several of his birthdays, getting involved in his surprise party planning and putting extra thought into getting him special gifts. Even during our long-distance period of the relationship I still managed to at least send him something small while he never sent me as much as a card. That birthday he didn’t get me a gift or plan anything (after telling me over the years that he'll give me a great birthday abroad). He did get me a gift months later but that was cause I made him feel guilty so it’s not a genuine gift.

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#25

No sex at all after marriage. Apart from that, they are an amazing spouse and wonderful human being. At all means just that.

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GettingCereal
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hope it's only been like four months. It seems weird for it to just shut down like that.

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#26

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage He ran up $2k money on a credit card I didn’t have the log in info for and I didn’t know had a balance on it (I am the financial person and schedule all the bill payments and I’ve been trying very hard to manage our finances to get us out of credit card debt). I understand how and why, he is extremely depressed and he was buying video games which are pretty much the only thing that help him feel better for some amount of time, but I felt extremely betrayed. He thought I was mad about the money, which sure but wasn’t the main issue, I felt like he lied to me even if it was by omission. I was furious and heartbroken. We got a therapy session ASAP and it took awhile for me to forgive him but we worked through it. It absolutely helped that he was extremely remorseful and was willing to do anything I asked him to do that would make me feel better.

That’s the worst and pretty much only thing he’s done, which is why I was willing to work through it. Had it been the worst of a string of things I would have left and sought a divorce.

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cerinamroth
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh sweetie, I understand this. Financial betrayal is still betrayal. My husband ran up a load of debt and quit his job without telling me, two weeks before I gave birth to our son! It was probably the closest we have come to our marriage falling apart. I didn't even want him in the delivery room with me and the stress absolutely wrecked the bonding process with my little boy. He's just turned 2 and I've only just started to feel close to him. I think I will always hold my husband a bit responsible for that, although I try not to for my son's sake.

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#27

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage The biggest thing we’ve ever compromised on is where to live. Since everything else in our relationship was healthy and strong, I decided to try living in a new city. Turns out we didn’t stay there more than a few years and moved to a better city we both love better.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The spousal unit and I moved to New Orleans so he could pursue his music career. After seven years he decided he didn't like it there (the city has a lot of problems) and so we moved back to California. It cost a lot of money and I had to sell all my stuff twice in a decade. It is what it is, I guess.

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#28

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage His STUFF lol. There is so much clutter in our house because he will never get rid of anything. It drives me nuts. I don’t get too attached to “things” and am very happy to throw stuff away that I don’t need, but he will come up with a reason to keep absolutely anything. He gets this from his mom, who never threw anything out. And when his parents moved to a smaller house, they downsized by sending us all his childhood c**p. I’m talkin baby shoes, old beat up toys…don’t get me wrong, I’m as sentimental as the next person but it’s just ridiculous. I used to get on his case to get rid of stuff but I’ve just learned to live with it. Thankfully most of it is in his office that I rarely go into, but that’s also where the washer/dryer are so I have to step over and push things out of the way whenever I do laundry. Most of the time I just make him do it!

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How is it that minimalists marry hoarders? My hubby never throws things out, to the point that he makes a production out of throwing out a box to an item we haven't owned in years... "see? I'm throwing this out" - "here's your gold f'ing star dude". I'm constantly shoveling sh*t against the tide in my house just for my own sanity.

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#29

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage He opened the Amazon box with his Christmas present after we had just talked about how I hated him accidentally opening my mail, and specifically told him that his Christmas present would arrive and not to open it.

That was our first fight and he still doesn't understand why I feel so strongly about it, but he doesn't open my mail anymore.

Edit: he hadn't lived with anyone in a long time and wasn't in the habit of reading labels. It wasn't malicious or nosy, just forgetful.

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#30

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage Still not proposed after 12 years even though he's fully aware of my desire to be married. I've since accepted it. He has issues with marriage due to multiple family members divorcing when he was young.

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't understand why it is still considered normal for many people to wait for the other partner to propose if they want to marry

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#31

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage I don’t really expect anyone to read my story, so here’s the tl;dr: forgive and forget will kill your relationship if you don’t do the work between the two.

It’s not just forgiving and moving past. We’re a partnership. That means we make our decisions together. We take the problem down to the core and work our way out with a solution. Yes, we sometimes compromise and sometimes have to forgive each other for emotional actions. But we *never* just move past it and ignore it.

For example, my husband’s family is very codependent. It has driven me wild over the years but it’s a process we’re going through together. When we first got married everything had to be ran through his parents and no matter what my opinion was he always let them have the final say. You can imagine the feelings this caused and the fights as a result of those feelings. Finally I had had enough one day. I explained that I didn’t marry his parents and I could not live this way. We made the decision to leave my home and move to his to get away from my controlling parent. It’s not fair to expect me to now be under a new parents thumb.

It was a hard fight, but we got through it. We’re still working on boundaries with his parents but things are better. He’s even gained the strength and confidence to stand up to them about me multiple times. He makes our marriage, ***our family, *** the priority and let’s them simply share an opinion when we deem it necessary.

We’ve forgiven each other for the nasty things we said in our fights and moved on with a plan together. We talk it through - no matter how many cooling off breaks or repetitive explanations there are. Our marriage is worth the fighting when we’re fighting for the common goal: our health and happiness.

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#32

I had been having pain all day, and finally broke down and wanted to go to the hospital. I asked him in tears to drive me there and he said, “can we go after breaking bad?”

I screamed in pain and we left immediately. In his defense, it was the series finale. And we were 22.

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MushroomHead22
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"In his defense" no. just no. you need to go to the hospital, doesn't matter what is on TV you go. I said higher up, and i'll say it again, its better to have wasted time going to the hospital than waste someones life.

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#33

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage When we moved in together at the 1.5 year mark, I told him that I saw moving in together as a definitive step towards marriage and let him know that I wasn't comfortable living together long term without being engaged. For me, that was about a year. I asked him what he thought about it all and he agreed, so I thought we were on the same page. I loved him and from the beginning I knew it was for real. I didn't see how we would run into any issues.

And yet 1 year went by, then 2, then 3. No proposal and every time I brought up marriage he would stonewall me. Completely shut down and stare into space, couldn't say a word. He would sit there on the couch, comatose, for hours. Literally. We couldn't talk about it *at all*.

It was so frustrating and upsetting. Why would he lead me on like this if he wasn't serious about marriage? Was I not good enough? Why can't he just talk to me like a normal person? Was I just a place holder until someone better came along? How long was I supposed to put up with this? Truthfully, I spiraled into a pretty deep depression for a while. It was some of the worst times of my life.

Anyways, after far too long he finally agreed to go to therapy. Ends up that he has pretty bad anxiety and trauma from his parents' nasty divorce decades ago. That all explained why he completely shut down when the topic came up. Some therapy and trying medication really turned things around for him. It was like night and day. We got engaged about a year after that and married this year.

It's been great! Truly.

But, yea, it took every last ounce of patience I had to stay in this relationship during those times. I'm still not happy with how things played out, it's not something I look back on with fond memories. Truthfully, I also had a lot of childhood trauma that I worked through on my own as a young adult because I knew it was a problem that I needed to address. My now husband thought he could bury it forever. Nope. Doesn't work like that.

If I had to do it all over again, I would refuse to move in together without being engaged first. I think it would have been better if he worked through his childhood trauma mostly on his own.

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#34

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage This isn’t an issue I’ve necessarily had to “forgive”, but I’ve had to accept that my partner and I agree on major things but disagree on a lot of minor things. We can see situations very differently and I appreciate his view on issues I have rather than the fact he’s a “yes man” in the relationship, but OMG sometimes it would just be nice to not have to explain my view to him. We both have a bad habit of assuming the other person knows exactly how we feel which has made our communication way better, but can be frustrating.

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#35

For a long time, I thought he didn't come to see me in the hospital when my mom thought I was having a stroke (it was my first panic attack, really bad). I found out later that my stepfather told him that he couldnt come. All of this was in an attempt to get me to break up with him. We have been married for almost 5 years now and I love him more every day.

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#36

His drinking. We had major problems with it earlier in our marriage, and it's still a thing and will always be a thing to some extent. I accepted that when we first married. But he has worked so hard on it, made strong improvements, and we are much stronger for facing this battle together.

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#37

My POs father in law living with us. We generally get along and agree on most things, resolving any issues pretty simply.

However, about 5 years ago my father in law had to find a place to stay asap in the middle of winter as the place he was renting burned down. It was supposed to be temporary until he got his feet under him again but then his health took a sudden turn and now he's with us until he croaks.

If we kick him out then he'll be homeless, his pension isn't enough to cover what he would need for rent/living expenses. While I wholly dislike the man he's still her dad and our kid's grandad. Kiddo loves her grandad to pieces too and I don't want to take that away.

As it is, me and him end up butting heads every few weeks or so and have come to a tense peace over the years. Do I resent him and the situation? Yes. But ultimately the alternative is worse than putting up with him for the remainder of his life which is likely going to be less than 3 years.

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#38

A year before we actually got engaged, he hinted he was gearing up to propose. Wanted to look at venues, price things out, etc. After about a month of this, he broke down and said he wasn't ready. I was devastated and so embarrassed having to go back to vendors saying there was a change in plans. It nearly ended us.

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Sydney B.
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...why did the poster start planning a wedding and contacting vendors before even being engaged??

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#39

Call of Duty.

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Marissa Voleta
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, girl. Disgusting. Source of many fights. And now I look at it as my time to do whatever I want, unbothered and free from my "call of duties", heh.

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#40

My bf is very emotionally distant but I deal with it.

The one thing that got me and I will never forget is I have a friend. This friend has four kids by three different men but we are still pretty tight since highschool. I went to hangout with said friend and knew my boyfriend has a thing for her. I get back and he asks me how it went, friendly conversation. He tells me that she can come over anytime he doesn't care, she's welcome over here but for me to be careful because she might end up pregnant again. Who in the ever loving f**k says that to their significant other? I guess I've forgiven him but it still hurts when I think about it. Idk if he still is in love with her or whatever he says he's not but idk.

I feel so undesired by him sometimes and it just sucks. I just wanna be spoiled with love and told I'm pretty and appreciated sometimes, ya feel?

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#41

He was at work and I had the day off so I told him I was going to quickly meet him after work, I had a plan to buy him his favourite subway and then drop it off to him when he’s off. He said okay and that I can meet him when he’s off. So I went to subway, got him his favourite, and was so excited to surprise him with it. I went all the way to his work and made it just in time for when he was off. He knew I would be there. I waited around. He never came out. So I texted and asked where he was. He had already left! Said he got off a few mins early and left. I was so upset because he knew I was going to meet him. And so I went back home, ate both the sandwiches myself, and cried lol.

Was no big deal though, I forgave him for it, he had an important thing to do with his mom that I hadn’t known about in the moment. But at least we both learned to communicate better with eachother before making plans

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#42

He send a girl a picture of his cat, but didn't send it to me.

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#43

Hmm I don't think I had to forgive him for it but we have had issues with his time management that have led to arguments in the past. Eventually I had to understand that it wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with me but that he has too many hobbies and doesn't know the word no. We've talked about it extensively and he is doing better now with priorities but man oh man do I have to constantly remind him to take the trash out.

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MushroomHead22
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for anyone that will say "why don't you do it" .. there are certain things in the house that I believe should be the males job (if thats the type of house you live in) and one of those is taking the trash out. i will never let my wife do it, and she will remind me to do it too if i don't realise what day it is

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#44

My own internal dialogue . I can’t tell u how many times I’ve split and wanted to leave bcuz my internal issues. He triggered a lot because he wasn’t aware bcuz I wasn’t aware how badly they morphed my interpretations of things. Things have gotten a lot better as I’ve done work and as he done work as I’ve been communicating my needs and wants more accurately and timely.

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#45

The only issue I had was that I didn't want to live in the city we met in. I was getting ready to move to a different area in the same state once my schooling was finished. But I stayed because I love him and he has to stay due to having children with his ex. We worked it out from the moment we became serious though. Once retirement happens, we will be moving to the area I want to live in. Sixteen years and counting. Lol

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#46

MIL thinks she's queen bee over women in the family! I used to constantly check her and put her back in her mom lane and never tolerated her ish like my SILs, and it was a source of conflict in my household.

One day after she insulted my SIL with bigoted racist shade, I stared at her and said to her, "ya know you're on borrowed time in your dear old elderly age, and eventually you will die" so why am I letting you be a point of stress and contention in my household or ketting your antics live rent free in ny mind!

Ya see, I will be the one planning and arranging your funeral cause ya precious baby boy can't find his own azz without needing my input and assitance, so understand he will p**n off fulfilling ya burial needs to me and i gave her a wicked azz smile, grabbed my SIL and walked away!

SIL jaw was on the floor, and she told the other women what I said, and they got a kick outta it! But I was so serious, I've got tons of ideas for her burial outfit, hair etc.... I'm going to make sure all the family's ethnicities and nationalities are represented in her final resting place!

From that day forward, hubz/BILs say they've all noticed a positive change in their moms mouth and behavior towards the family women. She tried to tell her sons what I said to her, but all the women said it wasn't true and only told how she insulted the newest SIL 🤣 so the boyz didn't believe her 😈

Mother dearest is quite cautious ATM!

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#47

Undiagnosed ADHD that we have only recently figured out that he has after our daughter and niece and nephew on his side were all diagnosed. I’ve put up with a lot over 30 years together. I ‘forgave’ the associated behaviour years ago but now that he understands himself better it is infinitely easier.

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#48

He had a friend that emailed him regularly. Most of her emails were her talking c**p about me. She had only met me twice, so I couldn’t figure out why she hated me so much. It pissed me off that he wouldn’t shut her down whenever she said things about me that weren’t true. He was afraid to say anything because he has hard time with confrontation and doesn’t have a lot of friends.

Eventually she stopped responding to his emails. After years of no contact she emails him out of the blue and again goes no contact. I had asked him before if anything had happened between them in the past he always no. After this last email he tells me they were never involved, but after we had been together a year she tearfully confessed that she was in love with him. When she didn’t get the response she wanted that was when the c**p talking started and he just pretended she never said she was in love with him.

I am still friends with past lovers that my boyfriend knows about and has spent time socializing with. None of my exes or my friends have ever talked c**p about him. If they did I would shut it down immediately. I’m still mad that he lied about her feelings for him for years. But now it makes sense why she hated me so much. I’m pretty sure her last email was just to check if we were still together.

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#49

He played Banana Phone right after s*x. It ruined my post-orgasm feelings real fast.

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#50

Told him tea about my two of my friends but I did it in a way to vent b/c I got caught in the middle. The next day one of the friends got upset at me and wouldn’t talk to me only to find out my boyfriend casually spilled what I told him to his friend who is my friends boyfriend thru xbox. Because he did this, it ruined my friendship and me and her and not close anymore. All because he took our private vent session and made it into a casual conversation.

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#51

Christmas 2016, we had a party with friends where someone came up with the idea of guys selecting songs to dance with their significant others.
All the guys picked slow romantic songs which had deep meaning and danced slowly.

My SO picked a s****y pop song about a girl who had 28 inch waist and 47 kg weight...I was so embarrassed and mad at him and didn't speak with him for days.

I still remember the day and am still fuming.

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cerinamroth
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tbf, that sounds like a nightmare situation! I would do anything to get out of that too. My husband and I danced a jolly old salsa as our wedding dance because we're just not the share-your-feelings-with-everyone types. Perhaps your love languages are just different?

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#52

We had plans for a date, I waited for him to come home so we could go out. He was very late, so I called and guess what. He took his PARENTS on our date instead of me and to that same place we were supposed to go to. I was so pissed. Apparently there is nothing wrong with that according to him.

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#53

My husband hated his job. There were a combination of factors that made the situation he was in particularly bad. He could have taken steps to improve his situation in a different organization or get additional qualifications that would have led to better spots. He whined about work constantly. Yet surprise, surprise, when you try nothing, nothing works.

I had to learn to stop suggesting the very obvious fixes and tune out his incessant whining. I have little patience for people who won't do anything to try to improve something that really bothers them.

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#54

Criticism.

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#55

"Will Not Be Forgotten”: 30 Things Women Had To Forgive For The Sake Of Their Marriage He watched legend of Korra before we'd even finished the first season of the last airbender although I literally begged him not to. I have forgiven him but this will not be forgotten.

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#56

He slowly decided to not come with my to anything. Pre corona I had a wedding to go to back in the Netherlands - my uncle was getting married it was big. We had planned everything from transport to hotel room which by the way he didn't have to pay for. My dad did. Well, day before departure I'm writing to him wanting to know when he'll come down to my hometown from our apartment. He says he isn't coming. I know he has issues with public transport (a few diagnoses in there) so I drive all the way back home and to my hometown to get him. He comes, but the morning of departure suddenly he just says he won't go. We were sleeping at my mums and driving with my dad. It was the most embarrassing thing, begging my mum to lend me her car, telling my dad he wasn't coming, sitting alone with the sign with his name on it in the church. Everybody asking where he was why didn't he come. I forgave it at the time, and all the other times, but I will never let anyone treat me thus again.

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SnackbarKaat
SnackbarKaat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When my bf was to meet up with my family for xmas, he kept delaying. They kept asking where he was and i kept texting, phoning.. He was helping an acquaintance with his computer. In the end he didn't make it. I was embarrassed and my family disapproved of it ofcourse. We are 15 years married now and my family loves him a lot but boy he had to make up for it

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#57

We both had health issues we didnt approach on the same page, partially because it felt like it was financially better to die (no expensive health treatments plus robust life insurance) and leave the surviving spouse and kids better positioned.

All in all, just being too self-sacrificing, which is a much easier problem to work through than being self-centered.

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#58

Went to a party together. I drank too much. I passed out in bed. He took my finger & used it to log into my phone while I was asleep (back when apple had this iphone security feature). He proceeded to look through my entire phone & text a guy all night while pretending to be me. He was convinced this guy & I had something going on which was not true. At the time, it was borderline hilarious to me (the idea that he was pretending to be me & conversing with another guy all night who I legit didn’t even know). I asked him what they talked about & he told me it was actually a nice conversation. I forgave him & continued to date him. Looking back, I cringe so hard.

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#59

I’ve been on my first car accident here in the US (moved here just less than a year) and I was really shaken up since the car went flying and fell on a hill. Luckily, no serious injuries just whiplash and a neck bruise. I called him first and he was nice a bout it - asking me if I was okay and all. However, he didn’t see in a week nor ask me how I was doing. I didn’t have any emotional support during that time until I drove up to him and he acted as if the accident didn’t happen at all.

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#60

He got way too drunk by sneaking drinks at an Air BnB from the person's massive liquor cabinet. He peed on me when I tried to carry him to the bathroom. Then after an ambulance ride to the hospital because he hit his head after falling down in the shower, I had to walk to the car which was miles away at 3:00AM, in an unknown city, in my pajamas with no money, and drive us all the way home. Carried him up the stairs and put him on the couch. He doesn't remember any of it.

I forgave him. Twice actually. Because he did it again about a year later on our first camping trip together. Pee and all.

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