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“It’s Been 4 Years And I Still Cry”: 40 Life Events You’ll Never Fully Grasp Until They’re Yours
Interview With Expert
Empathy, a part of emotional intelligence, is one of the most important skills you’ll ever develop as a human being. It's your way to genuinely connect with the people around you and strengthen your relationships with them. However, in some cases like serious illness or loss, your imagination and life experience aren’t always enough to truly put you in someone else’s shoes. At least, according to some internet users.
The members of the r/AskReddit community recently shared their thoughts on all of the things that people don’t fully understand until they happen to them. Scroll down to read their thoughts.
Bored Panda got in touch with licensed professional counselor Rodney Luster, Ph.D., who shed some light on empathy. You'll find his insights below. Dr. Luster is the founder of Inspirethought and the host of the ‘More Than a Feeling’ blog on Psychology Today.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Losing a beloved pet.
It's one of those weird things where you can absolutely understand why they don't get it. Because it doesn't make much sense why it hurts so much.
They're not blood related. Not even the same species.
They're so far removed from us, that from the outside, it probably just looks like losing a favourite item that has sentimental value.
But let me tell you:
I've lost a lot of family members in my life. But *none* of those deaths compared to the sheer utter soul rending pain as losing my Dog was.
It is the only time in my life where I did not have a say, did not have any control, in my reaction.
Tobias Reaper 2 months ago
i lost my kitty Elsa a year ago it absolutely broke me she was a great companion she always stayed with me when i was working i work from home. She would cuddle with me as well i still miss her so much.
We asked Dr. Luster about why someone might potentially have trouble empathizing with others. He explained the situation to us, first noting that he was focusing just on empathetic responsivity in neurotypical people: individuals without issues that might otherwise make empathy less accessible.
"Empathy has several aspects to it. The first has something to do with 'lived phenomenology,'" he explained to Bored Panda, meaning an individual who "has lived through something similar may have more 'relatedness' sociologically and psychologically to the person who is perhaps describing an event they went through."
He continued: "This can be seen in some recent research where nurses report high levels of clinical empathy in their day-to-day interactions with patients. Their exposure to a variety of things makes this more feasible and accessible."
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#2
Death of a child, f**k cancer.
#3
Anything mental health related. You can sympathise but until you've felt the crushing lows and your own brain turning against you...
According to Dr. Luster, when we see a lack of empathy, it may be due to other factors such as emotional triggers, age, or relationships. "For example, someone on the internet may lack empathy due to any one of these factors and may be more prone to a deficit in empathic feedback to respond more productively," he told Bored Panda.
"In the real world, empathic feedback is necessary for the empathizer to fully relate," Dr. Luster said. He added that, otherwise, the distractions he mentioned earlier may greatly influence how a person responds. "Empathic feedback helps transform information in sensorimotor regions of the brain."
We also asked Dr. Luster about someone 'practicing' to be more empathetic if they feel like they have a hard time connecting with others. He explained that this is directly related to empathizer feedback: "That aspect we require to encode and decode from our environment is needed, and when lacking, makes it harder to empathize."
#4
You dont have to love and respect your parents after abuse because “thats STILL your dad(or mom)”.
Rachel Pelz 2 months ago
Wow. Anybody saying that to a person who's been abused ought to be ashamed of themselves and rot slowly in hell. Feeling love for the abuser is what ennables abuse to continue in many cases. And the adult abusers know that very well and bade their manipulations on that.
#6
Depression.
Tobias Reaper 2 months ago
a lot of people just think its feeling down and think by saying cheer up will make it better but in reality its not feeling down exactly but feeling nothing feeling empty. I wouldn't wish it on anyone i have struggled with it myself and people i love have as well its absolutely horrible.
He suggested that people think of this mechanism as a 'resource box.' "You can add to it! So perhaps a way one can learn to strengthen those areas of sensorimotor conduits is to add to that box by educating themselves on a few things before judging. Many people may work unconsciously off of a confirmation bias based on unbalanced effects."
Dr. Luster gave an example of how this works. "If, for instance, I had trouble empathizing with someone from another religion, another generation, etc., instead of working off of any bias I may have because of bias-based elements I have taken in from my life, I might try learning a bit more about that person, why they believe what they believe, what is it like growing up in their generation, etc.," he said.
"By embracing some cognitive flexibility, and becoming the listener who asks good questions rather than opinionated or judgmental questions, we open the gate to adding to our empathy box. Therapists must practice this ability before ever entering a counseling session. We often do the work on ourselves well before therapy with others so that we are open and allow trust and safety to enhance the sessions for clients. But this is not exclusive to us, and anyone can begin to practice this kind of adaptive flexibility. It's not easy, but with practice, empathy can begin to grow."
#7
Sexual Assault. It's a different whole beast that you have to experience it before you just spout off on what you think, and you have to really understand what's going on and what to do to deal with the aftermath.
And the trauma and recovery of regaining your identity as a person and not as a victim and the fact that we still don't think about it or work with it with any gender is appalling.
Tobias Reaper 2 months ago
I never told anyone about it because I thought they wont believe me and as i am guy would be probably be made fun of
#8
OCD.
I always roll my eyes when people simply pass off a casual thing as OCD.
"Oh I'm so OCD about this cabinet!"
You don't have OCD. OCD is an actual disorder.
OCD is when your mind is overthinking like crazy. Every interaction with someone, no matter how big or small, gets blown completely out of proportion in your head; and you might have what I have in which I need to reflect and use this weird face ritual to clear the thought from my head, where any other noise in the room can throw me off and force me to restart the process.
If I touch something with my left hand, I have to touch it with my right hand. I find myself getting flashes of anger towards myself and other people when something isn't happening the way I think it should be. Intrusive thoughts are in my head far, far too often.
It's a hell of a lot more than just wanting your rooms clean, or making sure your feet are walking in the squares on a tile floor.
I really hate that OCD is sort of trivialized by the majority of people.
Birgit M 2 months ago
So much this! I have OCD and have just started therapy (again). You always have to be in fight mode because you can't let the monster in your head win or it will take away everything that's important to you in your life. It's very hard to fight intrusive thoughts. People just say “Your fears are completely exaggerated” and can't understand that I know this myself.
#9
How easy it is for medical costs to completely ruin you (in the USA, obviously).
I was diagnosed with leukemia when I was 13. My initial stay in the hospital (so from diagnosis to the first time I was able to go back home) was 50 days. The bill for that alone was $1.5M.
I was very lucky. We were upper middle class. My dad had very good health insurance through his employer, so it did not ruin us. But it doesn’t take a genius to imagine what would happen if that hadn’t been the case.
Think about that next time you want to call anyone in favor of healthcare reform a socialist/marxist/etc. Imagine busting your a*s for decades, being responsible, and saving as much money as you can. Then you’re told you will have to go broke to save your child’s life. Now imagine that the sick child is not your only child. You have three others. Not only are you and your spouse going broke, but those children now have parents unable to support them so that they can live their lives to the fullest.
People’s ability to just ignore how f****d up that is will never cease to amaze me. I was 13 f*****g years old, and I was able to empathize with people who were not as lucky as me. It’s not that f*****g difficult. And if you think it’s acceptable that a family in the richest nation in the world could go broke just because a child gets sick, you’re a heartless, cynical a*****e.
SirWriteALot 2 months ago
Healthcare is such a difficult concept that only the top 99% of developed countries are able to provide one. Except for ...
Empathy forms the foundation for kindness and understanding. At its core, it’s your ability to imagine someone else’s experiences as if they were your own. Unlike sympathy (responding or reacting to another person’s experiences), empathy is all about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Most of us are hardwired for kindness, but it’s not exactly clear how. WebMD explained that human beings have specialized ‘mirror neurons’ in their brains. They activate when we see and feel emotions. Researchers believe that it’s these neurons that create empathy. However, other scientists think that empathy is purely a construct of our intelligence.
#10
Miscarriage.
I birthed a grapefruit-sized water bubble into my underwear and when it popped, I saw the giant eyes and tiny fingers before I couldn’t take it anymore and had to flush it. Then I bled for a month.
Everyone I talked to said it was a very common thing.
“Oh so you had one?”
“No but I know someone who did”.
#11
Being stalked. It's a horror that rips your life apart.
Mimi M 2 months ago
I met a woman who had been stalked for years by a random person she had once worked with. She would change every detail about herself (phone numbers, etc), but he would still always track her down. Police wouldn't help, because he never crossed the danger line. Her entire life was on the run (I met her while travelling).
#12
ADHD. I think it's really hard for someone with normal executive function to understand what it's like to not.
Tobias Reaper 2 months ago
executive disfunction is the worse knowing what you need to do wanting to do it but you just cant make yourself do it.
There are two main types of empathy. The first is emotional empathy where we might feel the same things as someone else, feel distressed at what they went through, or feel compassion for them.
Its counterpart is cognitive empathy, wherein we can intellectually understand how someone is feeling. Unlike emotional empathy, cognitive empathy can take time to cultivate and is more of a skill. It centers around learning how to identify emotions and behaviors.
#13
Divorce. Being cheated on. Having your heart broken. Being a single parent.
Pittsburgh rare 2 months ago
I tick three of the boxes and people severely underplay how traumatic being cheated on is. It scars you for life because it hits on your trust system. Being a single mother has been a walk in the park compared with that (even working three jobs to make it).
#14
War. Seeing exactly what evil a human being is capable of inflicting on another.
#15
Chronic fatigue, everybody thinks im just lazy because i need SO much sleep. I hibernate on the weekends.
Sweet Taurus 2 months ago
This is me. I've been on several family vacations where one minute we are having a great time wondering the beach, shopping etc and the next I have to go back to the hotel and sleep. I know I'm going to miss out on ABC but it doesn't matter my eyes HAVE TO CLOSE MEOW
Practice makes perfect. Though many of us are born with a varying capacity for empathy, we can strengthen and hone it like any other skill. If you find yourself less kind, caring, or understanding than you’d ideally like to be, it only makes sense to spend some time working on yourself to improve.
One part of being empathetic is staying curious about the people and world around you. Asking questions, getting to know folks, deepening your relationships with them despite superficial differences—that’s how you gradually improve your empathy.
#16
Poverty. People who grew up having money often think that poverty is a result of lazyness. And if you do eventually become financially stable, you still have habits and a different mindset because you grew up poor. It takes a lot of time to change that and realise that you dont have to save money all the time and you have enough for everything you need. Its difficult not to feel guilty when you buy something for yourself and buying something thats not on sale always feels illegal...
Lost Panda 2 months ago
Growing up poor and seeing my mother want and seeing how I didn't have the same level as others (though never felt poor until I joined the military and saw the difference of others), it is easy for me to buy things for my wife and kids "You want that? Sure go ahead." But the moment my wife tells me to get something like... socks, or a new razor, or other necessary things I turn into "It's alright, I can wait it out a little longer".
#17
Someone put debilitating disease-but for me, to specify, dementia/alzheimers of a family member. Seeing someone who raised you (in my case a grandparent, right as I got out of high-school) in that condition is devastating. There's the things you know you'll have to deal with, them not knowing the date, forgetting what your name is. Not recognizing someone.
It's when they can't remember/put something together and they know they can't. That fear in their eyes, the realization of just not knowing something they knew. The fear, and helplessness on their face. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's a terrible thing.
Then the anger and fights when they dont know who you are and why youre there. Worst years of my life was seeing her mind just vanish. You can see it in movies, hear stories about it, but until it's in front of you, you just don't know. I applaud anyone who cares for the elderly with those issues.
Enlee Jones 2 months ago
My sibling and I went through this with our mother three years ago. It's an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy's dog.
#18
Abusive relationship. It’s so easy to ask “why didn’t you just leave if he was hitting you?” It’s not an easy question to answer. The abuse doesn’t start with a knock out punch on the first date. Abuse starts with arguments usually after the honeymoon stage. Maybe he pushed you, snatched your phone out of your hand, or slammed the door in your face.
By the time you’re getting your a*s whooped- walking away with black eyes and broken ribs, that’s when you start to realize it’s abuse. It’s not just a fight that went too far like you’ve conditioned yourself to believe. At that point you probably live together, share bills together, own things together and you start to question would it be easier if I just stay? What will he do to me if I leave? Is it really my fault like he says?
Pittsburgh rare 2 months ago
And sometimes it never escalates to physical violence, but there's insults, economic abuse, etc. It's even more difficult to prove then and just as difficult to break a cycle. And victims of abuse are normally ashamed to admit it until they're well into therapy.
You can also try doing small acts of kindness for your family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers more frequently. Meanwhile, try to actively put yourself in other people’s shoes in order to connect with their life experiences better. It might be difficult at first, but you’ll eventually turn it into a habit!
What are your thoughts on the topic, dear Pandas? Do you think it’s possible to be empathetic about all possible things even without having experienced them? Or do you think that some events are so fundamentally deep and incomprehensible that even the kindest people in the world might not fully ‘get’ them? Do you consider yourselves empathetic people? Feel free to share your opinions in the comments section, at the bottom of this post.
#19
Being autistic in a society that doesn't understand you.
OneWithRatsAndKefir 2 months ago (edited)
I’ve mentioned it before, and I’ll mention it again; my life could have gone a bit differently, for the better, if I had been diagnosed young. The woes of being a masking, high-functioning gal… and my secondary school teachers saying that they apparently made a referral but nothing ever came of it, meaning I got diagnosed about five years later instead of, you know, then.
#22
Panic attack.
#23
Losing ur parents/parent, it's been 4 years and i still cry for my dad, i miss him a lot
P.S: i am reading the replies to my comment with watery eyes, may God keeps everyones' parents safe and healthy.
IndoGrrlRN67 2 months ago (edited)
My Dad just passed away a couple weeks ago after a month of suffering from a fall in the shower (he was 87, lived alone independently in the house we grew up in after losing our Mom almost a year ago, and wasn't found until the house cleaner came 36 hours later). I live 10 hours away and spent the month with him in the hospital and rehab. I was actually packed to go back home and was stopping at the rehab facility to let him know I was going back, but when I walked in he was actively dying so I knew I wasn't going anywhere. I held his hand for the next 10 hours until he passed.
#24
Insomnia.
Mimi M 2 months ago
Sometimes people who think they have insomnia actually have a bimodal or biphasic sleep pattern (sleep for a few hours, up for a couple hours, sleep for a few more). This is common in pre-industrial societies and among other mammals. It's natural and not unhealthy, just inconvienient in modern society. Colonials called it 'first sleep' and 'second sleep', and it was considered quite normal.
#25
Narcissistic abuse.
#26
Having a loving relationship with people.
Not necessarily romantic, just a human bond that isn't some cheap aqcuaintanceship.
Edward Treen 2 months ago
Acquaintanceships can be genuine, caring, non-judgemental, and undemanding too.
#27
The death of your spouse. In an instant, everything changes. Their family slowly, or sometimes not, walk away. Less calls, and invites, more so if there are no children. Every life plan evaporates. You lose half your income, half your friends, and all of your dreams.
Caro Caro 2 months ago
What I noticced was that people say "if there's anything I can do, if you need to talk" and then don't have the time or don't want to listen. I could not talk about my husbands death for months so when I did call some were "too busy, call later, no now, will call back, etc. I am however grateful for the ones who did have time and kept "pestering" me and therefor helped me crawl out of my depression.
#28
I’d say eating disorders. It’s not that easy to recover or to “just eat”. Even after recovery, it’s there till the end of your life, occasionally “jumping out” and ruining your day or your meal. Oftentimes you’re still sensitive to comments about your weight, I know a lot of people who are afraid of scales or knowing their own weight (me included).
Kelly Scott 2 months ago (edited)
An eating addiction is different from all other addictions. You can stop using d**gs, you can stop drinking alcohol, but you can never stop eating. How successful do you think recovered alcoholics would be if they still had to take a drink three times a day to survive? With an eating addiction, you're trying to quit eating and lose weight while still having to eat. It's almost impossible. Every time I hear someone making fun of an obese person and saying they just don't have any will power, I'd love to drop 150 pounds and an eating addiction on them and see how they cope with losing weight.
#29
Any form of addiction.
Biytemii 2 months ago
Addiction sucks....the worst part is no matter how long u are sober for (2 years for me) the thoughts will always be there. Going through some stress? Brain says let's relapse. Dealing with family deaths and unhappy times? Brain: let's feel better and self medicate. It's a constant battle for the rest of your life. If you don't want to stay sober you never will. It is a conscious decision you have to make every day. To all those in recovery...day by day i won't use today, I won't use today, I won't use today. Especially in those stressful moments that your brain wants to push you to it.
#30
Unexpected layoffs. The financial uncertainty hits harder than you'd think.
Geoffrey Scott 2 months ago
May I add termination as well. Not only are you scrambling for benefits, it is the stigma involved as well. You never get over it, especially if you were a top performer and you ended up melting down because you were on an island regarding your co-workers efforts.
#32
I know that disability has been mentioned a couple times, but I’d just like to throw my hat in the ring. I’d like to add epilepsy to the pile. I’ve been on 14 different medications/medication combos over the last 30 years and none of them have been able to totally control things. I’ve had 10+ brain surgeries, and have even had a computer put into my brain to try and regulate it. But the constant knowledge that I could LITERALLY, at any moment, just fall down and die…wrecks me to my soul. I do my best to put on a good face, but it gets harder to do every day. Trying to explain this all to my kids makes it even harder. Telling my 3 year old “if you see dad fall and stop breathing, or hit his head, or not wake up, you need to call this number” is the hardest thing. Knowing that they might have to watch their dad die.
Jill Jones 2 months ago
I can not fathom what you're going through, my thoughts are with you and your family.
#33
Having Parosmia. I had covid late last year and developed Parosmia soon after. Nothing tastes or smells pleasant at all. Everywhere I go, I'm reminded of it. I barely eat anything. My soap, shampoo and perfume all smell revolting. Food tastes like garbage. It's truly an awful experience.
#34
PTSD.
#35
Being a persecuted minority.
It’s f*****g terrible.
Kelly Scott 2 months ago
It's like walking around with a label on your forehead, saying 'treat me differently'. It's just hard to know if people are treating you like c**p because they don't like your ethnicity, or if they're just having a bad day and would treat everyone that way. It's very tiring to give everyone the benefit of the doubt all day, every day.
#36
Being responsible for your elderly parents.
The weight of it is immense, and the emotional dynamic is super complex. My age group are all starting to go through it and it's really hard and different for everyone. The weight and emotions are always intense though. Do yourself a favor people in your 30s and 40s... have your parents create a "trust" to go with their wills, and ask them about their finances. They may or may not want your help, but if they do you could save yourself a lot of headache and heartache.
IndoGrrlRN67 2 months ago (edited)
My Dad just passed, he was 87, but it was still unexpected. He made me executor in his will, but everything is a MESS. Until I get the official court appointment, I can't do ANYTHING about his bank accounts, bills, credit cards. I can't even FIND all his financial accounts. It looks like he may have a life insurance policy but I have NO IDEA because his office looks like a tornado hit it. My sister and I both said we are NOT doing this to our children.
#37
Being alone. Like not having any family.
The entire Western civilization is centered around generational wealth. So often I hear people complain about how x is getting y and no one had ever helped them out ever when in really they eat dinner at their parents house 2-3 times a week and their mom watches their kids for free and their dad fixes their car for them or cuts their grass for free or they do laundry at their sister's house.
cerinamroth 2 months ago
I sometimes feel envious of people with families who help them out with dinner and grandparents looking after their kids and those kind of things you mentioned. I think they are normal and aspirational, because it's evidence of strong, healthy family bonds. I don't give a hoot about generational wealth. Life is hard in different ways for different people. There will always be people who have more in the bank than us (not difficult at all at the moment!) but I think we have made a happy home for ourselves and our children, far away from our families. And that's definitely for the best. I am envious of people who are close to their families, but it feels so alien to me.
#38
Having kids.
Saying you watch your nieces or nephews a lot isn't even remotely close to having kids of your own. An aunt or uncle gets to turn that kid back in. Parents do not have that luxury and you get what you get with kids. All are different and all have different reactions to things.
It is not for the weak at heart.
Amelia Jade 2 months ago
I started babysitting at an early age. While in junior high I volunteered at a daycare center. I was a nanny, a Sunday school teacher, a preschool teacher, worked for an after school program, and eventually became a substitute teacher while working toward a teaching degree. Working with kids is something I'd done for as long as I can remember. None of that--NONE of it--is even remotely close to what it is like to be a parent. Until it's all on you 24/7, you won't understand. It is just nowhere near the same thing.
#39
Having to defend yourself from someone who's really, legitimately trying to k*ll you.
cerinamroth 2 months ago
And having to live with them in the same house until you're old enough to leave them in the dust (while praying to god your little sister makes it another two years until she can leave).
#40
Infertility.
What do you think ?
Doctor Strange 2 months ago
Loneliness. Coming home day after day after day for years to an empty house with nothing but reruns to fill the silence. Trying to reach out to friends, and its like pulling teeth to get them to even talk to you, and when they do they don't care, dismiss you and your pain. Trying to make new friends and having people talk for a few sentences and then just vanish. Trying to meet someone for a romantic relationship, but getting constantly rejected because you're never good enough. Just always being alone, no matter how hard you try not to be.
Gavin Johnson 2 months ago
I posted this higher up…. To anyone out there who needs to hear this right now. You are important and you are valuable. You may not recognise it right now but I can assure you that as a fellow human I know you are valuable, you will see that in time. The whole ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ stuff ain’t always right, sometimes you don’t even get to understand there’s a tunnel, you are lost in an undefined ether that’s got no beginning or end, no up or down, it’s just a whole lost in space thing. I know, I was there too. But believe me when I say that you don’t need direction or some higher purpose for now, you are allowed to just be, to float, to realise that your brain can wait whilst you find the right meds or therapy or book or friend or random individual who holds your hand for a moment. Be more kind to yourself, take a deep breath and know that you can ‘just be’. Sending love and light to anyone who needs it. From a fellow traveler, we’ve got this.
Doctor Strange 2 months ago
Loneliness. Coming home day after day after day for years to an empty house with nothing but reruns to fill the silence. Trying to reach out to friends, and its like pulling teeth to get them to even talk to you, and when they do they don't care, dismiss you and your pain. Trying to make new friends and having people talk for a few sentences and then just vanish. Trying to meet someone for a romantic relationship, but getting constantly rejected because you're never good enough. Just always being alone, no matter how hard you try not to be.
Gavin Johnson 2 months ago
I posted this higher up…. To anyone out there who needs to hear this right now. You are important and you are valuable. You may not recognise it right now but I can assure you that as a fellow human I know you are valuable, you will see that in time. The whole ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ stuff ain’t always right, sometimes you don’t even get to understand there’s a tunnel, you are lost in an undefined ether that’s got no beginning or end, no up or down, it’s just a whole lost in space thing. I know, I was there too. But believe me when I say that you don’t need direction or some higher purpose for now, you are allowed to just be, to float, to realise that your brain can wait whilst you find the right meds or therapy or book or friend or random individual who holds your hand for a moment. Be more kind to yourself, take a deep breath and know that you can ‘just be’. Sending love and light to anyone who needs it. From a fellow traveler, we’ve got this.
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