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Nobody’s flawless. It’s a simple fact, but it needs repeating: nobody is perfect; everyone has flaws. In reality, it’s a very tough idea to accept about our loved ones. Especially for parents, many of whom believe that their children are peerless angels and the best people on the planet.
However, some brutally honest parents anonymously opened up about their kids’ very worst character and behavior flaws in a series of r/AskReddit threads. They were very candid about what they dislike about their munchkins, and what they absolutely loathe about the things that they do. From excessive arrogance to compulsive lying and even worse, what follows is a dive into the darker side of parenting.
A small warning for all of you Pandas: this is an article that includes a lot of sensitive posts. Some of them might make you feel uncomfortable. Others might resemble your own family situation a bit too much. Keep that in mind as you start reading.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about parenting, so we reached out to mom Samantha Scroggin, the blogger behind 'Walking Outside in Slippers.' She was kind enough to answer our questions about the challenges that parents face, correcting 'bad' behavior, and how there's no single right answer when it comes to rewards and punishments. You'll find her open and honest insights as you scroll down.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My oldest son is severely autistic and twelve years old. Imagine someone bound by OCD that cannot talk and cannot understand seemingly very simple concepts.
He can understand some things, but the concept of abstract communication eludes him; i.e., I can tell him to get dressed, but he cannot understand that the 'tag' on a shirt goes behind his neck. So, there is a 25% chance his shirt is on correctly, 25% chance it is on backwards, 25% chance it is on facing correctly but inside out, and 25% chance it is on backwards and inside out. Of course, if it is cold outside, there is a 50% chance he'll come out in shorts. That isn't really too big a deal, but the inability to grasp this portion of communication bleeds into everything, things 99.9% of people take completely for granted.
When he was three, he had an ear infection. We didn't know that, of course, we just knew that he was inconsolable and in pain from *something*. He does not understand questions like 'does it hurt here?', or 'show me where it hurts', or 'does your stomach hurt?' Eventually his ear drum burst out yellow stuff and we said, 'oh. ear ache'.
He has never been given an aspirin for a headache. He's probably had a headache, but I don't know. He can't tell us if he has a headache, or any other kind of ache.
He can use the toilet, but doesn't really get using toilet paper. Or maybe he does, but saw us get upset once for throwing an entire roll into the toilet, so lately he has been going to the bathroom at 5:00 am, then finding clothes, sheets, towels, something, whatever, and wiping his a*s with those. We've pretty much run the washing machine on sanitize about .75 times a day the last two weeks. He's got a reason for it somewhere in his head that makes sense to him, but he can't tell us what it is, and we can't get him to figure out to f*****g come and get us if he's taken a s**t.
We've taken to 'hiding' foods he prefers in the house, given free reign to potato chips, or humus, or cranberries, or f*****g whatever, he'll eat and eat and eat, and then throw up later that night. It's not his fault, he's been on anti-psychotics for a few years now, one side effect of which is weight gain. I hate, f*****g hate, giving him anti-psychotics, but not quite as much as how he acts/acted when he wasn't on them.
As a family, we cannot realistically travel. Interruptions to his routine result in a constant moan / whine / crying / occasional outburst of self injury, or rarely, attacking others. The pain and fear he feels is very real to him, and we are powerless to provide him comfort. Instead, my wife will travel with my other sons while I stay home with him.
He has never had a friend that was not direct family or therapist. I don't see how he ever will. He will never kiss a girl, drive a car, or have a job. I have no idea if he *wants* to do those things or not, of if he knows they exist as things at all.
In the early days of his autism, we threw therapies at him by writing checks against the house and credit card companies to the tune of 30K+/year for five years or so. (insurance has subsequently helped out some with this). We're still digging our way out of that, slowly but surely. Ultimately, however, they haven't really done much in the context of turning him into a person that can life his own life. For example, they are working on having him keep a band aid on; they've had that as part of his program for about six months, and he'll keep a band aid on for fifteen minutes or so. Great. The reality is that when he gets a cut or laceration, it sits open for weeks; he simply will constant tear away any bandages. I'm sure that he has good reasons in his mind for not wanting a bandage on, but he just doesn't understand the concept of 'medicine' making you feel 'better' 'in a few days'; none of those things seem to get through.
He's never been to the dentist. There are some that will work with children like him when he is unconscious. We just haven't felt like giving him anesthesia to take him to the goddamned dentist. It's on the list for this year.
He goes through periods of self injury. When he was a toddler, he banged his head, *a lot*. He broke a few windows in our home. He very likely concussed himself a few times. Lately, he's been punching the table during favorite scenes from Disney films; he has a blood blister about three inches long on both hands. He understands when we tell him, 'don't do that, punch the pillow instead'. He'll punch the pillow for a few minutes, and then start banging the walls again; he is simply a slave to the routine.
When my wife and I die, people that make $10 an hour will take care of him, or not, for the rest of his life.
There's more, so much more, and the thing about autism is that it does not take one m***********g second off. Nobody gets a day off. Ever.
He works harder than anyone I know, harder than anyone reading this thread will ever work, and gets s**t to show for it. He inhabits a world where everything is too loud, too bright, too confusing and too unconforming to his patterns, and is trying as best as he can to navigate through it. He didn't ask for any of this. Sometimes he's got a d******d father who gets mad at him, who resents him for all of these things and a million others that he cannot control. Me. But he deserves better than that, so I'm trying, every f*****g hour of the day to remember that he is the one who got the raw deal, not me, not his brothers, him. I have bad moments, but no longer bad weeks or days. I'm working on it, if only I could work as hard as he does, I'd be golden.
So the answer to your question is autism happened to him, to us.
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 2 years ago
These are things for why I’m glad I’m on the high functioning end of the spectrum. While, things are still rather difficult and I did get injured a lot as a child (much of my childhood I don’t remember well), being on this end allows me to still be able to navigate the world decently well and my loved ones don’t have to go through this kind of thing anymore, now that I’m older. I feel for those who still have to struggle this way
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I’m 40 and I guarantee you I’m on the spectrum somewhere, plus I almost assuredly have some form of ADHD. I don’t want to self-diagnose but it’s painfully obvious to me now. I need to get officially examined, if only for my own relief. It was hard af growing up, my mother doesn’t “believe” that mental illness is “real”, so it was always that I was “being ungrateful/a brat/etc”. Reading your comment has given me the courage to finally go make an appointment and perhaps get officially diagnosed :)
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Phandom Apostolis 2 years ago
I don't think this belongs here. This father isn't disliking his child. He is suffering with him and deeply appreciates/loves his child.
Lucy Browne 2 years ago
Exactly my thoughts, too. With this and the ‘Robin Williams is obsolete’ post, I’m wondering WTF you’re playing at, Bored Panda? 😡
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Ansirk 2 years ago
Damn. The fact that this could happen to anyone having kids is just... nope for me. I will stay childless. Can't imagine going through that for the rest of your life.
Gosiaatje 2 years ago
Autism was my worst fear when I had a baby. I was looking for earliest signs, reading about autism just in case, freaking out at every suspicious thing my son would do. Once he was nearing 3 I knew that the risk was over and stopped worrying. But damn, I would not want to experience that fear ever again. Just another reason for not having a second child. I absolutely understand why you prefer to stay childless.
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Liana 2 years ago
Do not have a reply button to Sarah Musto, idk why. You know what's funny? That we people ( in general) tend to judge others. None of us was in OP situation, and we do not know how would we behave. Admitting something like this is very difficult, but completely normal to feel this way.
Horchata 2 years ago
The dumb b***h wants to call CPS and report someone for a 6 year old anonymous reddit post.
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Lauren 2 years ago
Ensure his safety during his life. I wish I could give him more relief but I do the best I can. He's about 98% nonverbal and 1000% dependent on me and only me. I've struggled financially his whole life and things have only gotten slightly easier since I married my husband, his step father. But my husband is frustrated as well at the thought of never being able to make memories or go on trips together or even go out to eat. It's nonstop and no one wants to help. I know you love your son. I understand every word of your post. And it gives me a little relief to know I'm not the only one. Stay strong and take advantage of every free second you can. Don't expect anyone to understand because they can't and that's okay. You are not a bad person for feeling this way.
Kayla J 2 years ago
Lauren, I just wanted to tell you there is someone out there who appreciates someone like you. You're doing the best you can and even when you have those moments, they pass and you still love your child. You understand its not their fault and sometimes you need to just vent. I hope you and this poster find some sort of help/therapy/if you're in the US a better healthcare system in the future since so many like you are struggling.
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Lauren 2 years ago
There have been times he has wiped with anything cloth-like he can find and there have been many times I've broken down in tears because I have to overhaul his entire room. His room is right next to the bathroom but instead of going, it's like he waits to be told and if I don't catch him in time, it's everywhere. And he knows it's not right to do that so I don't understand why he doesn't just go to the damn bathroom. But, he knows he's different and lives a life probably desperately wanting to be like everyone else, but like your son, he has no friends and no real future. I'm constantly worried what would happen to him if I die or something happens to me. I never imagined myself saying this but I can only hope he dies before me because it's the only way I can ensure his safety
Robbie Margot 2 years ago
Hi Lauren, Im so sorry youre struggling like this. I dont know why your son hates using the bathroom but I have autism and I can tell you why I hate it, (and had accidents as a kid avoiding it) and maybe it can give you some insight into why your son hates it I hated the lighting, The cold of the seat, the colr air of pulling my pants down, and feeling very vulnerable while there, because its not something you do -that- often and it can be kind of random when you need to, it didnt fit into any kind of routine that made me feel comfortable, a lot of us have tummy troubles which make it painful to go to the toilet, Id hold it in and hold it in to avoid the unpleasant experience of having to use the bathroom. IM sorry i dont have a direct solution for you, but you know your son and now maybe u have some ideas of why he hates it in there so maybe you can figure something out, or at least understand why - possibly.
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Okiedokie 2 years ago
To those of you parent-shaming for this post: you are part of the stigma that drives parents of autistic children to the brink and beyond. We blame ourselves enough. We hate ourselves for being tired and exhausted, for not having enough energy, for not being able to help our child. You have no concept of what it’s like to be in our shoes if you have not walked our individual journey. Dad is NOT blaming his kid, he is separating his sons diagnosis from him entirely and acknowledging that there is still a person, a child, beneath the medical rhetoric that is suffering just as much, and more, than he is. I hate this mentality of ‘if you can’t blame the kid, blame the parent!’ Because that’s a real mature approach. The need to find someone to point fingers at is just as toxic as ableism. I understand being alarmed by something you cannot control, but when you try to then control it by beating down the people trying their best to help you are not helping, YOU are being abusive.
Becca Hauck 2 years ago
We don't need to hate ourselves, enough other people will hate and judge us. So many people that don't understand and make it even harder for us. Like the people that called CPS because my Autistic son insisted on wearing long pants, cowboy boots and long-sleeved t-shirts in the summer. The teachers who've been trying to convince me that my Autistic ADHD son will stop being tired (sleep issues his whole life) if I'll have him go to bed at the proper time. I could go on and on.
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Lauren 2 years ago
The kid you have described literally sounds like you are talking about my son. I'm every single aspect. And I understand exactly how you feel and your frustration. I love my son immensely but any thought of fulfilling an education or dreams or like you said, traveling, is practically impossible. My sons father left when he was a baby and completely disappeared from his life about 4 years ago because he wanted a "normal" son. I've been raising him alone almost all his life and it's been incredibly isolating. Also just like you said, he didn't ask for any of this. There have been days I know he wants something, is sad or scared or has questions but he will never have an answer because I have no idea what he is thinking. He is potty trained, but also doesn't really understand toilet paper so there have been times he has wiped with
Mari 2 years ago
You are so strong Lauren to do all this by yourself. Even if your son can't express it to you; he loves you for life. I wish you strenght, courage and wish youand your son all the best.
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Linden 2 years ago (edited)
The saddest thing about this is the son and family could probably have a better time with appropriate support. No mention of AAC for communication and the therapies that are mentioned sound like they're probably ABA which doesn't help and runs a high chance of creating stress and trauma and clearly this parent has not done enough work to dismantle their ableism. Sad all around because it doesn't have to be like this. Society and systems badly let down autistic people of all support need levels.
Estelle Winwoode 2 years ago
"clearly this parent has not done enough work to dismantle their ableism" I don't see what you see. I think this parent is concerned for their child's well being, comfort and happiness. As he says, clothes don't matter but communicating your wants does. Protecting wounds and preventing injuries matters. It sounds as though this parent has done more work to understand and care for his child than 99.99% of parents are ever called to do.
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Laura Edwards 2 years ago
This is a problem with most caregiving families of severely disabled persons. It isnt that they don't love someone. It is that it's a never ending, back breaking, soul crushing task. The people who advocate for families to have to sign up for this by being in a particular state, should be forced to care for some of these children and adults to see how extraordinarily difficult it is.
Genny McD 2 years ago
You qualify for respite care. Ask his case manager. You can have a trained caregiver suit with him awhile so you both can take a breather, go to dinner or just take a few hours to yourself. If you are in Ohio, I worked with mrdd for 10 years and I have 2 high functioning autistic sons. Your job never gets easier, hang in there and take the help when you can get it
Genny McD 2 years ago
Point I was making is, if you're in Ohio, I would stay with him so you guys can get a break
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Joshua Moore 2 years ago
Everyone that down voted you can go pound sand. I'm the single parent of an autistic child and you're 110% correct, there is absolutely never one second off. My son is nonverbal and definitely has his issues if you get him out of his routine. Last summer, I traveled for the first time, he's 14, just him and I to go on a 4 day weekend/vacation with my best friend, just to get out of Dodge for a bit. Much to my surprise, he was absolutely great on the trip. He is very sensitive to sound and light, and we had a four hour ride in the car. I kept the music low, just so I wouldn't go insane without any kind of music the entire ride. I kept talking to him the entire trip and he did great the entire ride to our destination and back home. It took him a little bit to be ok with the place we were staying but once we got to the pool, he was in heaven. I can truly appreciate what you're saying and where you're coming completely. I know it can be frustrating as hell because like you said.
Becca Hauck 2 years ago
Mine is 14 too and he recently went on a camping trip with his girlfriend's family (she's autistic too) and he did AMAZING. I did send plenty groceries though because everything has to be a certain kind/taste or he will literally starve. I mean, he was in a bit of a tailspin once he got home from all the changes but he did great on the trip.
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Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
Reality of life with someone whose brain is not functioning in what we think of as "the norm". And, FYI, he probably hates the feel of TP. Godson with autism/Down's does that.
Patti Vance 2 years ago
there is a flip side to this: having a high functioning autistic child. yes, he is verbal, can do things for himself, works fairly well when mainstreaming into society, etc. i remember when he was 5 and his drs told me that there would be times i would gasp with wonder & say, "omg! i can't believe he did that!"...like when at 7 i showed him how to play chess & he never needed me to remind him of piece movements. and there would be times i would gasp in horror & say "omg! i can't believe he did that!" true on all accounts. now he is 20, wants to move out & i want him to as well for his independence but it scares that hell out of me. he is so kind, understanding, compassionate & i fear he will be taken advantage of but all i can do is help him by not hovering because i won't be here forever & he needs to navigate the world.
Becca Hauck 2 years ago
I wouldn't say high functioning for my son but I think most people would say that because he seems neuro-typical to people that don't know him. Some areas he does great but in others he has real struggles. My son is 14 but he's also a person that many people have tried to take advantage of. I don't think he'll be able to live on his own but I'm guessing there will come a day when he wants to. Not sure though, he gets really anxious when I'm not available to him. I fear for him when I'm gone. Because he does seem neuro-typical, people expect things of him that he can't do.
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Sarah K 2 years ago
A selfish response to a situation that has nothing to do with you
Load More Replies... Busy Panda 2 years ago
I want to print this and frame this as a reminder what a father's love looks like😢
Rannveig Ess 2 years ago
I don't know if you've looked into Home Help assistance and things like that. There are many wonderful, caring professionals who support families like yours. Some run Group Homes, which functioning autistic adults can go live and be independent but cared for and also house those that have too much going on to take care of themselves. There's help out there. It doesn't make you a failure or a monster. There's a point where you can only do and know so much. Info and support can help all of you. https://www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2013/07/15/15-indispensible-websites-for-parents-of-children-with-autism/
Ivana Bašić 2 years ago
I don't see this father not liking his son, he wouldn't care so much. This is heartbreaking, but it's not dislike.
Alice Teasdale 2 years ago
This is why I hate it when people say "you're only given as much as you can cope with." I ended up in a psych ward when I had 2 autistic kids and an adhd toddler. I get your 25% thing about the T-shirt! With undies and a kid who soils them up to 8 times a day and compartmentalises anything to do with it in a big denial box, you discover how many variants there are on a garment with 3 holes... now they're bigger it is easier, mostly. Love them fiercely, but often dislike them.
Willow Moss 2 years ago
Also, she is not on any medication. The scenario above. With the dentist, exact same thing that I have always went through. She’s had to be put to sleep three times now to get a very small cavity filled. She can’t answer or call on the phone. She can read, Somewhat ok. also cannot imagine my life without her. I do believe she saved my life, she has taught me patience, And what undying love means. I don’t think I would ever trust her to live on her own as she is now. Like I said though as she gets older she seems to be getting a little bit better. She cannot cook for herself but she does know how to get a drink and a snack. Just try imagining, wanting to say something, knowing what you want to say, but you just can’t get it out of your mouth. That is what autism is. They did not ask for this. We as parents, want the best for children, we have to do the best we can for them, as we are their voice, when they don’t have a voice. NO 2 ARE ALIKE! It’s a sad syndrome to watch someone have.
John Topper 2 years ago
I imagine this has been said before, but I'll say it again since it's important. Being frustrated and angry with this situation DOES NOT make you a bad person. It doesn't even make you less of a good one. Remember that YOUR life still matters. You're entitled to your own wants and goals and it is the simplest fact of human nature that being denied those things hurts. You know your son is hurting, and that's great. Just remember that you are suffering too, and that is okay. You're allowed to be angry and frustrated because everything he goes through you have to go through, too.
Becca Hauck 2 years ago
I didn't think I could either. My step-brother is Autistic and seeing what that meant? Wow. But now I have my own autistic son and I'm doing it. In fact, she had 6 siblings, a husband, and 3 step-daughters to help and I don't have any of that and I'm making it work. You never know what you're capable of until a challenge is placed before you.
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Jo Johannsen 2 years ago
Thank you for being honest about this. It's a sweet image that "he ain't heavy, he's my brother" but not all of us have that much strength.
Yayheterogeneity 2 years ago
I'm so sorry and I wish I could support you in any way possible. I read your thread very carefully and be more aware of people in need of help around me to help there. I admire you for your endurance and love and I wish you all better days to come and hopefully you can get someone to help you. Big hug!
Susie Kamper 2 years ago
I have autism. Don’t do the band aid. It hurts his skin. I have very high IQ and I’m considered “high functioning”. But even though I’m near sighted af, I won’t wear glasses. They hurt my skin. I won’t use contacs. They hurt my eyes. I fell and cracked a tooth. The plastic they put on, hurt my mouth. Had to get an implant exactly like my old tooth. Took 3 tries. I (accidentally) stabbed my ankle with a hayfork. Went all the way through. I didn’t notice it. When a friend freaked out I looked down an saw it. I just pulled it out. Had to go the hospital next day cause I got severe bloodpoisoning and needed surgery. Which annoyed me so much. My point is - a NT person should never force someone with autism to wear a band aid, when it’s obviously causing the person discomfort.
Miss Frankfurter 2 years ago
I can absolutely understand this dad's frustration. It's obvious he loves his son very much. But having to live this way 24hrs a day is so exhausting in every way possible. And it never stops, no matter how tired you are. It is also very hard on the siblings due to how much attention he requires. There can, understandably be a great deal of resentment on their part at times. I used to work in 2 different Children's Villages where there were cottages, their homes, with staff specially educated to care for them 24hrs a day. But once they were adults there was no funding and couldn't stay. It makes me furious that parents get no in home help. No break. And yes, his dear son, this is his life. No help is just cruel. To the family. To their son.
WarpedThoughts 2 years ago
This man. Is so powerfully honest, I can't even imagine having the strength he has.
Rosesinmyhair 2 years ago
You are strong souls and sound like the most patient caring loving parents. Life can be cruel and hard but you obviously cherish your baby so much 🙏
Willow Moss 2 years ago
My 11-year-old daughter has autism. She started speaking very early around 6 months. . Then we moved and she stopped talking altogether, she had repetitive behaviors, walked on her tip-toes, etc. There is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, NO 2 CHILDREN ALIKE WITH AUTISM! My daughter is now 11-years-old and makes straight A’s in normal classrooms, she also speaks 5, yes 5 languages, she has a photographic memory, she can tell you where she was on a specific date and time 5 years ago, but she can’t tie her shoes, get dressed by herself, even though I’ve tried for years to show her. She can go to the bathroom and clean herself as normally as anybody, but it took me until she was 6-years-old to teach her. She has girlfriends that she plays with, if that’s what you wanna call it, she has so much trouble with Socialization. If I ask her a question she mainly answers yes or no, she Will try To explain some Situations to me, but She has trouble saying what she wants to. Consistency and patience,
Robbie Margot 2 years ago
shut up, You have no idea what we struggle with, you ignorant rude cow
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R.k. White 2 years ago
You are not alone. I live in the tiniest mountain town and have a little support group of 5 other mommies who have autistic children also. We cry, laugh and complain to each other and I would be lost without them. Hang in there momma, you're doing the best you can and I'm sending all my love! ❤️🙏
Merilyn Horton 2 years ago
The kid across the street constantly breaks windows, and cut himself badly last time.
Mel Toast Leisure 7 months ago
They need to look into inpatient living, or at least respite stuff NOW, before they can no longer care for him. There are wonderful long term places that can help him and you. You guys are good parents, and you aren't failing if you do what you have to for him, and yourselves. And, I'm autistic, so I'm not some NT flailing about.
James Heinle 1 year ago
There comes a time when you have to face the harsh truth and realize that you cannot take care of him as well as a long term care facility can. It's not giving up on him, it's giving him the structured environment he needs to reach his full potential.
Claire Armstrong 1 year ago
Wow! The guts that it took a parent to admit all this is astounding!
Tandem Harrison-Knight 2 years ago
When I read this I cried so hard because this is my life. My son is 17 and all of this is so true. Every last word...I love my son so much but life is exhausting for both of us.
William Dennett 2 years ago
This is heartbreaking. When people say autism isn’t a disorder or something to “fix,” are they talking about this, or are they talking only about the sort that I think I have, where I was a smart kid, but socially awkward, unable to communicate emotions or needs and obsessed with music, math and Rubik’s cubes? I know there is a great divide in the autism community regarding need for treatment/cure, but do those people think your child is A-OK? I am genuinely curious.
Joseph Bresett 2 years ago
Maybe get him some reversable clothing so he can feel great about dressing himself and have less stress of having to feel like he's done it wrong or have to change it you sound like great dad and any small step may be a huge one in his mind I have a friend with a son who sounds close to yours and my friend had to make up their own language or sounds for them to start communicate more and it got a lot better for him after that in a lot of ways
Elise Kidd 2 years ago
You need time off. Find respite or a babysitter somewhere. You deserve it and he needs to get used to it
Lauren D Italia 2 years ago
Please please please reach out to your local chapter of the Arc and get an advocate. They should be able to help provide resources for both your kiddo and your family.
Janice Humbertson 2 years ago
Your doing the best you can, keep it up. It's so effing hard, but worth it for that one moment, you'll understand if you've been through it. The most life-altering moment for me was when my son's doctor explained that this was our life now and forever. That realization made the difference and helped prepare for the long haul.
Ruth Dyke 2 years ago
When a child is born we all have dreams of him/her growing up to be a happy, confident adult. What you, your son & your family are living with crushes dreams. As difficult as the living situation is for everyone in your family I think you are a strong, kind person. Blessing upon you and your family.
Juliette Dauterive 2 years ago
My brother had real luck with the son rise method of addressing/mitigating autism. His son changed completely. May your family be blessed.
Aileen Cheetham 2 years ago
I am so sorry. We really should offer. More help as a Society. I think you are a marvellous communicator as well as Father. Bring this into the light repeatedly if you possibly can. Regards from the UK.
Tara B. 2 years ago
My daughter was, at first, completely non-verbal. For the first 8 weeks of her life, she wouldn’t sleep unless it was on me. I couldn’t get her diagnosed before 2, and then Boston Children’s Hospital told me that she was “severely autistic.” She’s 5 now, almost 6. She’s SUPER talkative, smart, she’s reading, she’s funny, quirky, affectionate, sweet, and just in general the absolute light and love of my life. Does she have random, inexplicable outbursts? Yep, had one today when I had the audacity to…pull into the garage…and it lasted an hour and she told me she didn’t like me and didn’t want “mommy cuddles.” There are so, so, so many challenges that go with having an autistic child…-and-, on the same vein, I’m so very blessed to have this beautiful little girl in my life. Side note, try and have a routine about the bathroom. I had to sing to my daughter that “everybody poops!” to get her to stop hiding when she had to c**p.
Nonya Bidness 2 years ago
My opinion isn't popular, but the thing is, we put down animals for less. Why FFS can't we put ourselves down? There's no quality of life. It's just horror after horror. I've never understood this and never will. Yeah, I know, I'll be downvoted bc "humans are humans." We suck.
Becca Hauck 2 years ago
Quality of life is subjective and your viewpoint can change on different days. Maybe today is a really hard day and you can't see light at the end of the tunnel but tomorrow will bring joy with it. Personally, I think people who put down their animals the moment things get challenging... Shouldn't commit to any relationships to begin with. And they should come with a warning to unsuspecting people who might want to enter into a relationship with them. "Sunny day friend/gf/bf/parent/pet parent only!!!"
Load More Replies... That'sEndorable 2 years ago
This reads like it's an answer to a different question. This parent seems like she deeply LOVES her child, and is a fantastic, wonderful person in what is simply a very difficult, very sad situation that she wishes she wasn't it.
Gabby Bisson 2 years ago
you can try giving him a computer where he can type things out see if that helps. maybe with a voice feedback where the computer says what he's typing? i've seen that help some autistic kids communicate well and gives them an outlet to express themsleves.
Evelien Stijger Martens 2 months ago
Our sin realises everything, especially the OCD. Life was survival. Now he is in an institution for 6 to 9 months for his OCD. What a rest and how we want him to feel that to. I never say ...... is hard ,no, his OCD is hard. As if ASD and ADHD combined isn't enough to deal with in his case.
DuckDuckGooseberry 4 months ago
I have autism. I’m classed as high functioning, but 90% of the time IT IS HELL. I can’t work, so not only am I dependent on government money (which could be a whole other post), but it means my ‘job’ is doing household chores. Only, I have significant executive function issues, so often I forget to do something, miss a step out at some point in the ‘job’ or forget to finish it. I can’t remember to write notes to remind myself, ditto for alarms, unless somebody tells me to every time. The amount of arguments this has caused at home is wearing me out, I can’t deal with it any more
Clare Valentine 5 months ago
I am so sorry you and he have this life, that, as you say, no-one asked for, nor did they deserve. I have autism in the high functioning area, and mine affects my social life - or total lack of one. I repel people, yet I am the best friend anyone could ask for; I don't spread gossip, I drop everything to help (and have been used by boyfriends and 'friends' due to this). Otherwise, unless you can recognised the autism, you avoid me. People I worked with distanced themselves from me - there would be outings that I would find out about after the event that everyone else went on. Birthday nights out I would not be invited to etc. Because the person didn't like me for however it is that I am/ behave/ whatever that they can see but I can't. My step dad hated me as it meant bringing up and paying for someone else's child, and he took every opportunity to smack me round the face and mentally abuse me, calling me stupid, thick and ugly at least once a day. He didn't know I am autistic...
Michelle Cherry 7 months ago
At least you kept him. I was lucky too, my mom kept me but I know with my very fiber she shouldn't have. I am high-functioning as they call it, but I still have those days that the world just won't give me a second to catch up. Today I got yelled at by a man four times my size because I shouted at his kid to get him to stop chasing a cat my dumb neighbor lets out. I didn't even mean to shout and I could barely hear the dad because my hearing aid wasn't in and it took me an hour after to realize he was mad and he must have thought I was mad when all I wanted was to distract the kid.
Aurora 7 months ago
I had an ear infection when I was three years old. I kept complaining about pain, and when my parents asked where, I said in my neck, because that's where I felt it. They also didn't realize it was an ear infection until my eardrum burst. Small children are not always good at explaining their own symptoms, autism or not.
minnybri 1 year ago
When I see stories like this I feel frustrated with the people who don't want research into a cure or prevention for autism. I get that people talking wanting a "cure" can be interpreted (perhaps justifiably) as telling you there's something broken with you that needs fixing, reinforces the feelings of being "less than", and that you are not valued as a person. I think that's missing the point, I don't think the people researching it think of neurodivergent people that way. I have ADHD and probably some level of autism, and I wouldn't change who I am or ask for a cure for myself because I've already been to hell and back and that's what's made me me--but my experience of hell is nothing compared to what this kid lives with every day and will for the rest of their life. If a child hasn't had to go through any of that yet and doesn't HAVE to, wouldn't you want their life to be easier than yours? Maybe they don't HAVE to experience all that pain.
Autumn 1 year ago
1/2 I feel your struggle. In multiple ways. My youngest brother. You named some of it. Understanding and communicating pain. Knowing what’s wrong and being able to tell someone. Understanding that you can’t just eat and eat, especially not things like chips and cheese and goldfish. How to act when you don’t get your way. Not lashing out. Understanding that you can hurt people. All of it. And his hyper fixation. It’s been years and it’s one of the only things that will motivate him, the only thing with any leverage. I mean not literally. There’s also his family, a movie, playing, and food. But oftentimes playing and watching a movie are related to that hyper fixation too. It’s hard. And we can’t tell if he’ll ever be able to function by himself. I mean it sounds like your situation is somewhat more difficult but I get it. It’s not only him either. I have some issues. Fitting into the requirements of society and jobs and deadlines. I don’t know exactly how it’s going to end up.
Autumn 1 year ago
I’m working on it. I’m trying. But I also feel like I’m not actually trying and not actually working on it. I procrastinate. I’m horrible with that. But I just don’t want to do it, I don’t feel the same motivation I used too. I’m just kind of tired. I don’t really know how to fix that. I can’t tell if I’m using the things I have as a front or an excuse to hide my procrastination and laziness behind or if this situation is them. And I’m venting to a random comment section in the internet, I feel like I shouldn’t do that. Maybe I’ll skip this article.
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Kaori 2 years ago
I found out I have ADHD at 35 years old. My mother resented me for having something genetic might harm my sisters' marriage. I have been highly functioned. I could read newspaper at 3 years old. My mother hated me then hit me, when I used non-childish words. (I was 4 years old. I didn't have much vocabulary )Rising autistic non-verbal child must be hard, I (I cannot say I understand as I don't have kids) feel for this parent, and I will show the example of much worse parent who hated their helpless child just because she was different.
kellie fearn 2 years ago
Wooooow . That probably felt good to get out there and off your chest. Autism happened to all of you.
Joseph Bresett 2 years ago
I wish you and your son the best and I'm sure he will get better there will be one thing that happens in one of his days that will be a break thru for him and yourself stay strong he needs you
Mrry L TIM W. 2 years ago (edited)
I thank God over and over that I am not in your shoes. For one, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't leave the family, but I could not do it. We had an ADHD son, and until we sorted it out with medication, I -- back then -- thought I was wearing your shoes. He's now head of a huge company, and is so very, very happy. And I can look back and know I wasn't in your shoes, but still, I thank God. Thank you for what you go thru. Open your Bible perhaps? For yourself, for your sake, and for him when perhaps you could read it to him, with the nonsensical stories soothing him to silence? by nonsensical stories, I mean nothing whatsoever against the Bible! The Bible just is too tough for those with a limited IQ, I believe. In the meantime, I will Bless your all hearts, and pray, pray for you all.
Sheryl V. Joned 2 years ago
Bless your heart. I' ve had to deal with a snob, a gay son, and a thug son. I doubt if any any of my struggles compare to yours. You have my concern and care, and hope someday your situation proves.
B Jean the Jelly Bean 2 years ago
There's nothing in this Dad's message that says he doesn't like/love his child. Dad is being human. It's hard and exhausting to do what he has to do. But he's doing it!
Josey Griffin 2 years ago
After working with people with disabilities, I found autism to be the worst. Very difficult to to live with.
Janice Bontrager 2 years ago
I in all honesty would not be capable of handling a child with disabilities. My heart goes out to you and others who care for children with disabilities. You and your family have been blessed with strong compassion. Thank you for your honesty.
Elizabeth VanDyke 2 years ago
I'm so very sorry for you and your family and especially the child who is suffering and even worse, I have no words of comfort for you.
Jackie Reed 2 years ago
My nephew is severely autistic but,thank all the gods,he is high functioning.Some things he may never understand,but he can communicate,he went to school,when a specialist told my sister he would never talk and that she should put him in a care facility.My sister worked as a dental assistant at OHSU Doernbecher Children's Hospital,helping to examine and treat children with a wide range of developmental disabilities.She and my nephew have had their share of struggles,but when she feels particularly frustrated,she remembers a child they treated who was blind,deaf and profoundly autistic.Simply being touched could and did make him scream,though whether from pain or fear,they couldn't tell.Seeing my nephew struggle over the years has been very hard at times...but at least he can see,can hear,can communicate and usually understand,and for that,our whole family is profoundly grateful.
Kelley Baltierra 2 years ago
I feel for you, really. I have an autistic son who is now 26. He is technically at a 4th grade level according to his schooling but he has his moments (throwing things, hitting himself or anyone near him which 9 of 10 times is me when he gets frustrated. His main thing is ripping up his clothes so that gets expensive...
Derek Clark 2 years ago (edited)
This is exactly like my nephew. My sister loves him with all her heart but he's sixteen now and she's tired. She's tired of being bruised because he hits himself and her when he's upset, she's tired of being his sole purpose in life, she's tired of a lot. Her love for him is endless, but so is her sacrifice for him.
Wynn Williams 2 years ago
I'm autistic myself, but so high-functioning that most people don't know I have autism unless I tell them. I have seen and met people on the other side of the spectrum, and I understand how difficult caring for and understanding them is. You're incredible parents for everything you've done for him so far, and I'm sorry it's hard.
IrinaChr 2 years ago
Oh god, i just read everything about my ex husbands brother, to the last word. Everything you wrote is about him and i just saw him again in my mind doing all these. i understand you so. i dont hate him, it is a feeling of helplessness when you can basically do nothing to help him and you know its not his fault. hold on it is very very difficult.
Unnamed Hooman 2 years ago
I’m glad this person was able to express this. One of my close classmates is also autistic, and he struggles with communication. He’s getting better, ESPECIALLY considering he is multilingual! He doesn’t know boundaries yet, so everyone is always asking me to help him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great person and I love helping him, but I need to do my own work. I need time to study like everyone else, but it’s always “Go help him”. Thanks for listening
Willow Moss 2 years ago
BTW, I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN. IVE NEVER BEEN SO TIRED, EXHAUSTED, OR WORN OUT WITH SLEEP DEPRIVATION IN MY LIFE. IM A SINGLE MOTHER AND WAS 35-YEARS-OLD WHEN I HAD HER. I LOOK BACK NOW AND DONT KNOW HOW I EVER LIVED WITHOUT HER! SHE IS MY WORLD, MY HEART, MY LIFE💙
Ellen Ranks 2 years ago (edited)
Yeah. My older brother got meningitis at around 18 months which at the time was not treated properly. It stopped his mental development and made him autistic to boot. My parents did their best to take care of him but it was just impossible ( see above). Thankfully there was a decent facility for him to live where he was taken good care of by professionals. We would visit him there regularly. They would take him on holiday and even gave him a job as a garbageman which he loved. Definitely the best solution as we ourselves were not even able to take him anywhere. He was just too strong and unpredictable. He visited our home once and had to be escorted by 2 caretakers because of his uncontrollable urges. I am quite sure that him not living at home gave our sister and me a normal childhood. The impact of caring for a person with heavy disabilities is enormous. Unfortunately he died because of his inability to communicate that something was wrong- we didn't find out until it was too late.
Barbara Kayton 2 years ago
I'm so sorry. I hope someday there are better care solutions for him.
Sinead Kenny 2 years ago
Andrik- take a breath and slow down. Best advice I can offer you is this: Your family and you need help to navigate this journey together ❤ more so you all need to open up to each as if you feel like this I guarantee they do to but don't want to show weakness or failure by admitting it. LOOK into MINDFULNESS for you all. Sounds crazy but please do, it will bring you together and open up a new way of fliving instead of existing. Mindfulness - please please look into it an if you are USA (think you are) then look at NHS UK mental health mindfulness xxx Your doing great, better than most would 👏 🫂🫂🤗👐
Vinniegret 2 years ago
God bless you my friend. We just don't know what we don't know. Don't be too hard on yourself. We're all just stumbling through life. Look into some respite care if it is available where you are. Support groups may be available online if not near where you live. It's important to have a chance to recharge YOUR batteries.
Kathleen Wickham 2 years ago
Dear Mim: Me too. But we persist. Keep yourself healthy, carve out some time for yourself and know you are not alone.
Belle Miles 2 years ago
Thank you for having the courage to say these things. Can't go to church, cant travel, grocery stores are a nightmare. People judge you and say you need to "whup his a*s". Your just isolated unless the only people you can hang out with are support groups and Moms with similar kids or special education teachers. Other kids in the family get a raw deal because we spend all our energy focused on one person.
Evelien Martens 2 years ago
Accepting him and you're struggle is a hole lot. He is lucky to have you tot translate the World to him and him to the word and yess it is hard, on all of you. 🥰
GlamourGhoul 2 years ago
This is so close to how I'm living that I'm in tears. I love my kid, and I'm terrified at the notion that I will be caring for them the rest of my life, because I want them to experience as much of life as possible. I feel like the worst parent.
ComfyPanda 2 years ago
This is the only story I've read in this string and honestly I'm not going to read any more, because of all the negative comments. All of y'all parent shaming...how dare you. Y'all make me sick. Absolutely sick.
Kristi Wozniak 2 years ago
Well, I’m just balling at the end of this. As I know your pain - and his- all too well. You said it perfectly. And I also fear- as a single parent/ that if something happens to me- who will care for him like I do? Will he ever be truly loved again? It’s just hard and challenging… but we take it day by day. Thank you for sharing.
Stephanie Barr 2 years ago
He could be describing my son for much of this,: OCD, won't keep bandages on, some self-destructive characteristics, doesn't talk, can understand some things not others. Almost every trait he listed here my son has. I've had my struggles but I adore my son and have never tried to change him into someone else. We fight battles over safety critical things (he swallows things he shouldn't and it's put him in the hospital a few times), but he gets to be himself on almost all fronts and is one of the happiest individuals in the world. I wouldn't trade him for anyone else ever.
Alysoun Learmonth 2 years ago
My heart is breaking for your whole family. You are a good person in a shitty situation.
TheWickedOne 2 years ago
I feel this, my son isn't as bad as this, but I understand.. it is hard... as f**k.
Elizabeth Berens 7 months ago
sounds to me like you need to get on his level more. I am autistic and this pisses me off because more often then not parents who "have a hard time" are throwing their hands up and giving up because "it's to hard to reach them", "they whine to much, I have no time for me" as far as the clothes go in the long run it doesn't matter as for the meds they are making it worse more than likely autistic people don't react they way a nuerotypical person would but we never talk about that. Try seeing where he focuses on his own and try reaching him through that.
Heather Leka 2 years ago
Possible help for parents of special needs children: dayna@lemonlimeadventures.com
Sally Brown 2 years ago
I actually hope reincarnation is real, in fact I have convinced myself it is. We have to justify our lot in life and this is the best way I know how.. In his next life, your don will be a good person, considerate and kind bc of what you taught him and how you have treated him in this one. He’s picking up what you put down. You are also destined for the next level up. We are dealt these cards for a reason. Stay being the person you are, as hard as it is at times. It’s for a good reason.
Mandy Delaforce (PC Girl) 2 years ago
And this is why when people who have jobs, partners, living alone or just go shopping on their own say to me that they are "on the spectrum" but haven't been properly diagnosed, I ignore their declaration and seethe inside. How dare they. Just how dare they.
Aliquid 2 years ago (edited)
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah... you have a complete lack of empathy and an inability to comprehend that your experience is NEVER the same as another person's experience. As such I honestly question if child services needs to be called on you, because someone with such a low grasp of empathy should not be responsible for raising a child with special needs.
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Parenting blogger Samantha, from 'Walking Outside in Slippers,' explained that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Every family, every situation is unique.
"'Bad behavior' has become very subjective for me when it comes to kids. I have a son with ADHD, and he can't always control his outbursts. Those outbursts can include cursing or kicking a wall. There was a time when I would have wondered why parents with a kid like that weren't doing their job. But punishment isn't effective with my son," mom Samantha was very candid about some of the challenges that she has to face as a parent.
"Screaming and yelling back only add fuel to the fire. He does better with rewards and consistency. I believe it's important for parents to customize their parenting and consequences for undesirable behavior to what works best for their child. There's no one-size-fits-all punishment for all kids," she said.
RELATED:
#2
When I became pregnant, I had not ever wanted a child. I was not at all happy, in fact I cried so much and became very depressed. I felt very pressured I to going through with it by my husband. He had very good intentions but it was just not something I wanted for myself. We had agreed before we married that we did not want children.
So I was very resentful and miserable. But I absolutely did my best to be a good mother because my baby had no say in this and I beleive all babies deserve loving mothers regardless of circumstances. So I faked it as best as I could and got help. I never wanted to hurt her or for her to feel unloved but it was so hard.
Never did it feel natural to me. I never found much enjoyment out of raising a child, I was exhausted and burned out by all the stuff kids do. I resented giving up my plans, my work, my horse, my whole identity for a child I never wanted.
My daughter is now ten and we have a great relationship. I enjoy her her company now. My harshness has pretty much dissipated and I feel much better about being a parent now. Hoping my early issues have not forever damaged her.
Axolotl King 2 years ago
You sound like a lovely parent, maybe it's not what you wanted and I'm sure it was incredibly rough but you are giving her an amazing childhood and not putting the blame on her at all. That is so awesome and I hope she recognizes and appreciates that someday
#3
Using throwaway because my wife knows my reddit. When she was pregnant with our first and only child, we knew before birth that she was high risk of down syndrome because the gene was quite prevelant in both our family histories. We both got tested and the doctor told us that our daughter had over a 80% chance that she will be born with Down Syndrome. Our marriage up to this point was happy and wonderful.
We dated for 9 months before getting married, and were more of partners than a couple. Everything we did, we decided together. We bought our own business, which didn't cause any fights, but rather we thrived because she was good at what I wasn't and vice versa. I was a messy 'kid' before I met her, and she helped me change my ways. She lacked hobbies before I met her, and I helped her find things she truly loved doing. We were happy, very very happy.
The doctor told us that abortion was a viable option, but we needed to decide within a week or it would be too late. I knew right away that I was for the abortion, but didn't know how to bring it up. When we finally did sit down and talk, I brought all sorts of articles and books on kids with Down Sydnrome. I tried to show her rather than convince her of how hard our life would be if our child actually did have it. It was going to be hard for both os us to have a healthy child, let alone one that needed far more care. We were both busy, and happy.
She didn't want to take out our unborn child, and there was nothing I could really do to change her mind without really really making her mad and ruining our relationship. So reluctantly, I went with it.
As luck would have it, our daughter was born with translocation Down Syndrome. Only 1% of all cases of down syndrome are that, and it has a lot to do with heriditory conditions. I don't want to go into how bad our life became. I really can't even handle typing it out. My wife had to quit her job which she adored. We had to move to a smaller house after a year and a half because of the medical bills. When I came home from work, she was too tired to talk or even see me and went to bed, and my entire 5 hours of free time every. single. day. was spent caring for our daughter in some form or another. I Didn't see my friend for 9 months. Missed my cousins wedding because we couldn't even think about travelling.
Everything changed, and everything changed for the worst. My wife and I only talked when we fought. Either she was too tired and that caused her anger, or I worked too much and didn't help her enough. To tell you my life went to s**t is an understatement, because I can't even imagine how much extra stress my wife must have endured in those first couple of years.
I don't hate my daughter. But I do resent the fact that we had her, even though I knew our life would be this way. I go to the parks sometimes and sit and watch all the happy fathers play with their happy kids. Watch them throw the ball around, or just run around the jungle gym. That's the life I wanted, that I dreamed of, but I will never have. My wife and I are still together because neither wants to burden the other by leaving.
Bored Panda was interested to understand how parents might deal with their kids lying. "When I catch my kids lying, I try to get to the root of why. And I let them know that lying is a worse offense than whatever they're lying to cover up," blogger Samantha explained how she approaches this with her own kids.
"I believe in setting high expectations for kids as far as expecting them to be good, honest people who are kind to others. And I often communicate the importance of this to my kids."
#4
My middle son (19) stole a 9mm pistol from my 82 year old father. When I confronted him about it he said I didn't understand, he needed the money and if I had given him more he might not have done it. 2 months later got caught on video stealing the candy money jar from a Mexican restaurant, again says if I'd had given him money ( because he's completely cut off at this point) wouldn't have done it. Downward spiral continues, he takes no responsibility for anything . He's a selfish a**hole who won't take care of his kids much less himself. I never thought I'd say this about my own child but F**K THAT GUY.
#5
My feelings changed the moment my (then 17 year old) daughter sucker punched me on side of my head during an argument about her cleaning her room. If I wasn't holding my 1 year old at the time I'm positive I would have knocked her the f**k out. I guess in my mind she did something taboo. You never, ever hit your mom...but she did. I love her but she broke my heart that day and I can't seem to get over it.
Charlotte Grace 2 years ago
I feel that. Although my (high functioning autistic) 13 year old and I have gotten into a lot of physical altercations, when he punched me in the face and I had to call the police a definite line was crossed, and I don't think things will ever be the same.
#6
My son told his friends that I was abusing and molesting him because he wanted the attention. We were very close. Child services were called and then the police. He stuck to his story. I don't hate him. I never could. Sometimes I'm very angry but mostly the betrayal gets me. I would never have believed he would do that. After several awful months I think it's going to be alright legally but the legal fees and stress has been overwhelming. Things will never be the same between us. He is a teenager btw
Emma London 2 years ago
What a way to destroy your relationship with your parent forever - For teenager's crave for attention.
Samantha agrees that we tend to become more empathetic towards others as we grow up. "I know I have become much more sensitive to the plight of others. Maybe this is due to having kids myself, and feeling a little bit like everyone's mom. Or just an increased awareness of mortality and people's differing life circumstances. But empathy is a good thing. Most of us could probably use a little more of it," she said.
Very recently, Bored Panda spoke about kids’ capacity for empathy and (the lack of) kindness with psychologist, author, and mom-of-four, Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.
"Children learn from observation of what others do, but also through explicit teaching and explanations, and through experience and observation of how others respond to certain actions," Dr. Kennedy-Moore explained to us, adding that we tend to develop more empathy for other people as we grow and mature.
"In general, we become more empathic at 19 than we were when we were at age 9, and that continues, so we're more empathic at 29 than 19, at 39 than 29, simply because we've experienced more of life, so it's easier for us to put ourselves in someone else's shoes," the psychologist said.
#7
I made an account just for this question. I beyond resent my son. He's seven. He lies all the time, never listens, and does harmful things to others. His father took off before he was born. The state say they can't find him without a SSI or address for me to receive support. I've been living off the state for over six years. I work and go to uni full time. Every day is an argument and fight with this child. There are no fun times. There are no happy moments. He makes me miserable. All I want to do is graduate with my bachelors in engineering. Every morning he makes me late for class because he refuses to listen to a single word. I've tried all the ways of disciplining or rewarding to get him on track. He's in special education for speech and math support. The doctor diagnosed him with ADHD last month. We are working through getting the right dose. But, for now- he made me miss my calculus class again because he refused to get out of bed this morning. I don't think I love him anymore. I feel like he's sabotaging my life and chances for getting out of the welfare system. I'm miserable with him in my life.
Merilyn Horton 2 years ago
Why don’t people consider adoption when they have an unwanted pregnancy?
#8
I recently gave up all parental rights to my only child, a son, after 13 years of dealing with his mother's lies, accusations, criminal and family lawsuits based on lies.
I truly loved my son. I was an excellent father who did everything possible to teach him the value of truth, kindness and honesty in life.
I have been accused of starving him, beating him, doing cocaine, methamphetamine and heroin (none of which i do). I have had to invest thousands of dollars in legal fees to defend against false claims.
My son has picked up her lying manipulative ways, as well as her desperate need for all attention to focus on her. He has become a liar just like his mother, who supports her falsehoods with his own voice. He has threatened to shoot me, and himself with my business protection firearm.
For the safety of myself, and the safety of my wife, i have severed all ties, and allowed him to be adopted by his stepfather... who is an evil and manipulative man just as his mother is... he is on his own, in a world i know little about. I fought hard for him, but he continued to lie, not only supporting her outrageous claims, but also coming up with some of his own, for added flair.
After 12 years of crushing heartbreak, i gave up.
Life has been so much less stressful and crushing since. I do this knowing that I gave 150% of my self to parenting so my burden of guilt is minimal.
**EDIT:** Lots of people pointing out that I am not perfect. Agreed. I definitely have my faults.... Numerous, as humans tend to be. None-the-less... The level of hateful alienation exacted by this woman defies all logic. None of her drug claims were true. believe it or don't... The facts are facts. None of the abuse claimed was true. I never even spanked this child, for fear of the obvious; She would call CPS at the first possible opportunity.
he and I spent each visitation together, hiking, biking, reading, motorcycling, learning, traveling, camping, preforming kitchen science experiments for fun answers to random kid questions.... I don't claim that this makes me a saint. I do, RIGHTFULLY, claim that this makes me a good parent. more so than many modern parents offer to their children in the age of "electronic babysitting". I paid my child support for 13 years, never missing, While she told him I refused to pay or help her.
My mother has showed up to her home to pick him up for visitations, while she and her friends and family would hole up inside her home, and call the police to report that I was "storming down their door". Meanwhile, the police arrive and find that my 67 year old mother was out in the car, alone, not me... Imagine the sheriff's surprise! Why was my mother there instead of me you ask?? Because 2 weeks earlier the police showed up to my home, after i picked my son up, saying that i had pushed her down and slapped her.... again... believe it or not, i just didn't to these things. it's a fact, so i don't need approval on it.
There is, in this world, a growing disregard for what is right and moral. This woman, and those she surrounds herself with are part of that toxic society. It goes far beyond simple family discord. Remember, this child has already made a LETHAL threat of grave bodily injury to himself, and me. This is not to be taken lightly in our current times. I believe that this general loss of respect for others is exemplified in this woman, and the way she has chosen to approach our *former* parent/co-parent/child relationship. This toxic child-rearing has destroyed his chance at a normal perspective on life. he will always view the world through a lens of deceit and anger. I genuinely tried to help, but when he won't help himself, and goes further still, hurting me and my wife... I must draw a line somewhere.
Believe it or don't, I'm a good human being.
#9
I have a 7 year old daughter. I think she has some kind of personality disorder. Some days she’s her normal loving, goofy self. Then there are other days where she is manipulative, mean, and hysterical. She says things to hurt you on purpose and will freak out if she doesn’t get her way, hurting herself in the process. But if I call her dad and FaceTime with him she stops on a dime and says I was lying and I hit her and don’t love her. I didn’t even know a kid that young could lie like that. She does this to me, my husband, and her stepmom. Her dad honestly believes we are all lying when we say something is wrong. She’s been to 3 therapists and they all act like we’re crazy because she puts on a good act. It makes me sick sometimes that I am happy when she goes to her dads house. I have a 1 year old son with my husband and I don’t want her to do to him what she does to me or her other family members. I don’t know what to do
Laura Silverstein 2 years ago
Maybe get a hidden camera (?) might help to expose any false claims
The psychologist explained that kids need 3 ‘ingredients’ in order to respond to others in a caring way. First, they need to be able to imagine how others think and feel. “The ability to imagine accurately someone else's perspective generally begins around age 4 and grows with age and experience.”
Second of all, children need to learn to manage their distress. In short, when they’re feeling overwhelmed, they tend to not have the ability to be overly kind. "Kids don't have the bandwidth to respond kindly to someone else if they are overwhelmed by their own feelings."
Lastly, children need to firmly believe that they are capable of helping others. "If they don't think they can help or don't know how, they're likely to freeze or avoid situations where someone is upset,” Dr. Kennedy-Moore said.
"Parents can help by talking about people's thoughts and feelings as they come up in books, movies, or real life. This gives children a window into people's internal life that helps with perspective-taking. Parents can help children manage their own emotions by naming those feelings as well as teaching specific coping strategies such as distraction, deep breathing, counting to ten, or using words to ask for what they want," she told Bored Panda.
#10
Because after his mom died , I stopped disciplining him. I thought if I gave him everything I never had ; coolest clothes , shoes, toys , dirt bikes, game consoles etc would make me a good parent. I was wrong. He's about to turn 18 and i can't even stand to be in the same room as him. He's manipulative, mean, arrogant and condescending. And it's all my fault.
#11
Throwaway because my husband knows my Reddit name and I am not sure how he would take this.
I remarried a wonderful man, my soul mate about 2 years ago. I have two kids of my own. One son and one daughter. One is 14 and the other is 21. He has a daughter. She is almost 8. We met when his daughter was about 3 and a half. It is bad to say, but personality wise she hasn't changed very much the last 4 or so years.
I don't necessarily dislike my stepdaughter all the time....I have just had to distance myself a bit. She has no manners, no respect, she is spoiled and will whine until she gets her way. For example I overheard her tell her great grandmother to shut up. I also heard her tell her mom "You are the most disgusting person I ever met". When they "scold" her she always tries to say she was "just joking" and then she will start crying and saying "nobody wants me around" and stuff like that.
I know this is turning into a long post and I apologize...it has just been building up so long. I try my best with her and I had such high hopes for a close relationship with my step daughter. But I have found that our personalities clash. And I am used to having respectful kids. My husband tries his best to make her act right, but every time she goes back to her mom's or her grandparents it gets worse. They give her everything she wants no matter what and they allow her to talk to them anyway because "she is still little and we may not have anymore kids/grandkids." So I don't blame my husband, I feel bad for him because he is tired of having to be the bad guy all the time.
Oh and she likes to torment my cats. I tell her all the time to be nice to them. Pet them gently or better yet! Leave them alone. But she likes to chase them, pour water on them, throw dirt at them....etc. She has plenty of toys in her room and also electronics and games. But she will cry and whine until my husband lets her use his laptop. She likes to watch toy commercials on Youtube and tell us what she wants for Christmas or her Birthday. She makes these 5 page long lists of what she wants all the time. And then if she doesn't get it, she whines that she never gets anything she wants. Her mother told us she picked out a 50.00 Halloween costume last week. She said she told her that was way too expensive to pay when she is only going to wear it a few hours. Well step daughter proceeded to cry and say she doesn't have anything and never gets anything and she needs new parents.
One more thing that makes me mad....if adults are in the room trying to have a conversation she will interrupt repeatedly until they stop talking and listen to her or watch her do some little something that could have waited. This child gets more attention that any child ever so I know its not lack of attention that causes it.
I could go on and on but no one wants to read a two mile long post of me complaining so I will end it here. Thanks for letting me vent a little.
One more thing I thought of! About a year ago I had my little grand daughter over at our house. She was about 9 months old at the time. Step daughter got caught trying to give the baby rocks. We all get onto her and tell her how dangerous it is to give a baby rocks, babies can choke and get injured or even die...all that. Well, a few minutes later I catch her putting the rocks in my grand baby's pocket and I go mental. After telling her she could choke and die if she gets ahold of a rock she is putting them in the baby's pocket!! Just one more example of there is something not right with this girl.
TL;DR Step daughter has no manners or respect for adults and even tried to harm my grand daughter once. My nerves just cant handle it anymore.
dream of delusion 2 years ago (edited)
okay i was getting a little annoyed at the “i was just jokingg” part but if you’re abusive to animals or babies or parents or anyOne that’s where i draw the line - i know she’s 8 but she should still have common respect by then
#12
I am a step parent. I love my son. Love him like crazy.
But.
He's a slob. And he married a slob with two slobby children and they had another child who is our adored grandson and likely also a future slob.
Their house is always filthy and by filthy I mean FILTHY. They have 5 dogs and at least two cats inside the house. The dogs are untrained and so they chew through everything and c**p on the floor. It smells like a cat box, dishes are never washed and sit caked with food just wherever they leave it. Laundry is piled high against the walls in the bedrooms and you have to pick a path across the living room dodging toys, dishes, dog c**p, and the cats who are always trying to stay one step ahead of the dogs.
The smell of cat p**s is so strong my eyes literally watered when I walked in. Beds not made? Yeah, they don't even have proper beds (we've given them three - don't know where they went). They sleep on bare mattresses on the floor - sheets optional. A floor that is covered with dog feces and dirt. I am astonished none of them have developed ringworm or typhoid. The kids smell like a dirty litterbox and go to school in wrinkled dirty clothing. It's humiliating for us and frightening. They've been reported to DFS, but I don't know what DFS did because the house is still a shithole. The whole situation makes me so angry I don't trust myself with either of them. The urge to shake them and scream "You stink! Clean your f*****g house!" is nigh uncontrollable.
It makes me sick that he and she allow this to go on. Neither of them were raised in dirty houses. I don't like either one of them, but I love them all very much.
Aidan Pite 2 years ago
That sounds like a psychiatric issue, honestly. I hope they all get the help they need. Even if that involves foster care.
"Parents can guide children toward seeing themselves as helpers by talking about how children's kind actions impact others. For instance, they might say, 'That was kind of you to help your brother with his block tower. He was sad when it fell down, and he felt happier when you helped him build it up again.' Or, 'Thank you for helping me put away the groceries. I'm happy that we got the job done quickly.'"
According to the psychologist, everyone makes mistakes and ends up doing something that isn’t kind. It’s inevitable that everyone will mess up at some point in their lives. That’s why parents shouldn’t jump to conclusions: they shouldn’t assume that a single mistake is an indication of “terrible things ahead.”
"Instead, acknowledge good intentions, describe the other person's feelings, and focus on moving forward. For instance, you could say, 'I know you're excited about going on the swings, but your sister also wants to swing, and she's sad that she hasn't had a turn yet.' Then, to move forward, you could ask, 'What can you do to help her feel better?' or 'What would be fair to everyone?'"
#13
I know this comment will probably be buried at the bottom but I'm gonna take this chance to get some stuff of my chest.
First of all - I don't hate my daughter - far from it. I love her with all my heart. Instead I hate the life we have.
My daughter has a rare chromosome disorder and is also on the autism spectrum (not full on autistic though). She'll soon be 5 and still doesn't speak. She has a hearing loss so she has to wear hearing aids. By not being able to speak (except for some words like yes or no) we can't really communicate with her. Everything is done by us asking her questions which she says yes or no to. Sometimes she shows us what she wants by pointing, using sign language (she knows some signs), or she goes and fetches something to show us. This covers her basic needs. But we can never have a discussion with her. Asking how her day was at pre school etc. We can't talk about stuff. She doesn't really have any friends and she just recently started "playing" with other kids at pre school. I could go on and on about this. But I'm terrified for the future. I can't really think about how her and our life will be when she gets older without tearing up. So many things she won't be able to experience - even though I don't even know if she would like to.
To summarise - I don't hate her. Far from it. I hate that she has this disorder. At the same time - her disorder has made she who she is. And I hate myself for looking at other families and being jealous for what they have. Hearing friends talking about how they discuss events with their 3 yo etc. Seeing other kids playing together and making up games and stuff while my kid is so far behind.
The worst part is that I sometimes wish myself or my family to be in an accident so there would be an end to this. I of course don't really wish for this but I sometime long for the life I didn't get. Before getting kids - this was my worst nightmare - having a kid with a disability.
I know I should probably start seeing a psychiatrist.
dream of delusion 2 years ago (edited)
i think seeing a psychiatrist will always help (unless it’s a c**p one) but.. it’s okay to hate a disability. i hate mine, all the time, and i know many people who do as well. so long as you don’t hate the person who has it
#14
Throw away because this may be my deepest darkest secret ever and even now it almost brings me to tears to type this. One of my children with mental illnesses has been disturbed and has survived numerous attempts.
There have been times where I have had to sit in a chair in her room and watch her all night while she sleeps. Everything is locked up in our house. I keep cleaning supplies in my desk at work and bring them home only to clean and then take them back. Everything is a battle with her. It's embarassing all the times we have an ambulance or cops come over. There is so much more that goes on.
Anyway, I can remember one really really awful period in our lives about a year ago where I honestly felt like had she not survived her attempts that life for me and her siblings would be easier.
There are a lot of days where I feel like I resent her inside. I just tell myself and try and remember that she is still the sweet girl I remember from her being a kid. What I resent is the person she is on meds and the depressed disturbed and self harming person she is when not on meds.
:(
#15
My dad likes to ask me "I bet you didn't know having kids would be so hard huh?" but no, I never in a million years figured how hard, and I by no means have it as bad as some in this thread.
Basically it started at "terrible 2's" normal, ok. But wait no, 3's were terrible, and 4's, and 5's, all terrible. It's a bit of just a bad memory at this point with a few highlights that stand out.
Kindergarten started, the school called every day saying how his behavior was bad. He wouldn't sit down on the bus, wouldn't sit still in class, wouldn't stop talking. During grade school, getting a simple page of homework done took 2 hours because he would hide it, rip it, throw it away.
I couldn't read books to him at night, he would slap it out of my hands, or bounce around on the bed to the point I couldn't finish.
He would go into terrible rages as he got older but still in grade school, threatening to throw up on me, smash the table, turn chairs over. Had no concept of behavior vs punishment or reward. None. We tried everything we could think of. I could say "don't touch that thing" and turn my back for a second, and he was touching it. Short term goals, long term goals, immediate punishment, or 'atonement' in the form of making up for bad behavior with 'good works', nothing matters. Nothing was being learned.
He would steal food. Plenty of health choices were available, want to eat 5 ham sandwiches? Extra dinner? Sure! No. I'm taking eating an entire carton of ice cream, a brick of cheese, 5 Popsicle's in one sitting etc. We tried teaching portion control, teaching how it was unfair that he got 9 items out of a box of 10 when 4 of us were in the house. We tried telling him we needed for instance, a block of cheddar cheese for dinner the next night, but he could have the sliced cheese. Nope, he ate up the block.
He's not allowed to eat food in his room but we find empty cups, plates, bowls, etc everwhere. Bowl under the couch? Check. Old pizza under the blankets? Check. Empty ice cream carton in the closet? Yep. Half eat frozen dinner in a pile of laundry? You guessed it. This has been going on from around 7 until now, at 12.
He was on meds for a while, Focalin at first. His teachers at school called me in one day under the pretense of seeing him read. Instead I got ambushed about how unhappy he was, and how he really needed more reading help. The next day they said he was done with the special reading program. What?
He lies about homework. "I don't have any". Great well the school website says you do, where is it, show it to me? "Oh I forgot it in the my locker/I did it already/I turned it in already". Lies. When hiding it around the house didn't work out, he turned to saying it was at school, knowing I couldn't verify until it turned up as late on the online grade sheet.
He steals, just around the house so far. Can't have soda? That's ok I'll take it anyway. I want to impress a girl? I'll take my moms necklace. My chain broke, I'll take my brothers, even minutes after being told "don't even think about it". I want a game mom said I could have next week? No prob I'll steal her credit card and order it now, or steal my brothers money.
He's currently in detention after school on Weds and Fridays to help him get his work done. He is also grounded. He lied about not needing to go last Wed and didn't show up. He tried to do it this past Friday but I called his teacher and marched his butt back to school. He cried and screamed about that.
I nearly had more than a few nervous breakdown when the school has called me and let me know about terrible things he's told other kids at school. We got into therapy. I took hidden videos when he would flip out, because it was so nightmarish I sometimes couldn't even believe it even the next day.
He's threatened to take his own life because some girl didn't want to date him. We thought we had that talked out with the therapist. Another night when he ran home early which was unusual, and I got a bad feeling. Shortly after the police and paramedics showed up because he threatened to take his own life, and smeared my red lip gloss across his chest and took pictures, and said he had stabbed himself. That was a very expensive bill. The therapist thought we had it sorted out. Nope, soon as he got his cell phone back he messaged the girl saying he was extinct from infection.
He asked repeatedly why the rules are what they are, and even if we lay down the law he'll pester and pester and pester. He'll tell me entirely unnecessary things while I'm working even after being told I need to not be distracted.
We keep tabs on his web activity, xbox, tv viewing, and cell phone usage. We try to provide knowledge of the bad things, but not allow him to bask in it like many on the internet do. I'm not religious but I roll with "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" It's hard. Evil is pretty cool, in many young peoples minds. Trolling is funny to them. Being mean is funny.
We try to keep him occupied with sports and activities, but he needs action and monitoring what feels 24/7 and I can't DO IT.
We have 2 kids and the youngest, who is 8 now, is so much EASIER I want to cry. I would have NEVER had kids if I knew how much work the first one was going to be. NEVER.
Riley Warrick 2 years ago
This kid needs to go to a treatment center. Unfortunately, OP might not be able to get him in because it's so hard to do if you're not a foster parent, even then it's so hard it's ridiculous. My sister has a kid who has similar behavior (not quite as bad though) and she tried to get him in a treatment center, sent letters, logged every behavior at home and school, even my mom wrote a letter asking them to put him in a center, but because he hasn't hurt anyone or himself, and is under the age of twelve, the judge wouldn't give the order. He would run away in the middle of winter without shoes, pee on his bedroom floor, throw fits that were so bad that they had to put L over and get the other four kids out of the van, and has threatened to kill his whole class (grade 3) and they still wouldn't give the order.
#16
I lost all respect when the kid began pushing homeopathic products and therapies. When did this kid become convinced that this literal snake oil is good for people? When did science and logic lose out? What's even worse is that the kid still thinks their views are completely normal and mainstream. Meanwhile, I can't get over the numerous people being hurt by this completely useless hokum every day which my progeny is advocating. All of those 'clients' should be going to a real doctor. My own kid is actually a force for bad outcomes. It makes me ill.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I worked in the vitamins/supplements department of a retail store for 2 1/2 years. We had a homeopathic section. I could not bring myself to lie to customers about them. If they asked where the homeopathic section was, I’d point the way. If they actually asked about efficacy, I would tell them that the principle of homeopathics is that you put in a few molecules of an ingredient, then you “purify” it out up to 200 times, but the remaining pill/oil somehow “remembers” the ingredient that literally isn’t even molecularly present in the mixture any more… and somehow THAT cures you. Yeah, sorry, I trust science, not homeopathy.
#17
I dated a guy for five years, and he was the sole parent of a kid. He basically raised her barely above neglect levels. She had food, clothes, a room. But he would basically not do anything to care for her and wouldn't even see her for days on end. She was 6 when we met.
I felt I had to step in and help out, and he basically dumped raising her on me. I was overwhelmed, resented the fact that I had to change my life and lifestyle for her. But when I would withdraw, she basically was left in her room (frequently "grounded" for minor infractions because it meant he had an excuse not to interact).
I tried to make things special for her, planned outings and whatnot. She never expressed gratitude, and would blow temper tantrums that things weren't enough, I wasn't spending enough money, or we went to the local amusement park when she wanted to go to Disney.
her father was manipulative. If I took time for myself, he would tell her it was because I was being "selfish". She picked up on this, and would threaten to tattle on me if I didn't do something or told her to take time. She told her grandparents her grades were bad because I didn't do it for her.
When her father and I split up, it was hard because I knew her dad wasn't willing to parent at all, and I knew she would be neglected. No one deserves that. But I had to get out of the bad, abusive relationship. We kept in touch for a while, but her dad started using her as a weapon. I broke contact.
Now she posts angry messages on Facebook directed at me. She is entering her teen years and blames her problems on me.
#18
My mother wanted a boy, had one before me but it was a miscarriage, I was conceived a year after, I was an early delivery, she was in coma for 2 weeks and after that she did not take me or touch me or look at me or even fed me for days. my dad took care of me and looked after me. she still curses me and wishes it was a boy
#19
I don't dislike or hate my son but I damn sure have some resentments every now and then. I have a 5 year old with extreme behavioral/rage issues. They stem from a large dose of steroids required for a long period of time for a previous medical issue. I am not in the dark about these issues, I have a psychiatrist and counselor that we pay for for him. However, no one is willing to do anything because he is 5. No diagnosis. Barely medication (the wrong ones). I have had to inpatient hospitalize my 5 year old son twice. I have another child younger than him that was born around the time that all of this started happening and I just watch the difference between the two. I sometimes wish I could have switched and had her first because the only reason for trying again was so I could have a girl. I watch happy, functional families and it makes me angry because we have been burdened by this. We can't travel, we can't go to parks or things of that nature because he targets other children and I don't want to be that a*****e mom on the playground that just lets my son beat the s**t out of other kids. CPS is now involved for the 4th time in 2 years because at school he cracked a kid across the head with a rock because the school refuses to give him an IEP because he is so young. My husband and I have tried every parenting book, behavioral therapy method, strategy, etc. Nothing seems to work. Some days I just turn my phone on silent because I know its going to be the school calling me saying he wont sit still in class and keeps running out of the classroom acting like an a*s. But I have asked them repeatedly for an IEP and they refuse.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than life itself, but it f*****g kills me to watch him have to live like this. He is so angry all of the time and sometimes I have to hold him in a full nelson on the floor crying so that he wont hurt himself or anyone else. I wish other parents knew what this torture was like. The constant self-doubt, and wondering where we went wrong. It is slowly killing my marriage and I honestly wouldn't blame my husband if he did leave, in fact I'd probably send our daughter with him just to make sure she was safe.
So yes, I completely understand where some of these other parents in this thread are and I don't judge anyone anymore when they say their kids have pushed them to the edge. I've been there and back so many times, I have the route memorized.
#20
God help me, but I really do not like my son. He's boorish, self-aggrandizing, and prone to pulling together two or three disparate things that have most recently come up in conversation and then crafting them into an absurd anecdote or lie. He has, since even the time when he was a tiny child, routinely let things tumble out of his mouth that mortify me. He's nearly 25 now, thank fuck, but for the entirety of his school years I would go to parent/teacher conferences and watch the same sequence play out, again-and-again... I would meet the teacher, we would shake hands and I would already be able to make out the look of disgust on their face. Their expression would so obviously be "Oh, so this is the prick who formed this little asshole's personality, huh?" Then, as they would spend time with me and realize that I appeared to be an ok human being, they would begin unspooling to me every shitty/awful thing he had said to them and the other kids in his class. One time, my lily-white son was trying to get the attention of a little girl who sat beside him and, when she didn't jump to quick enough for him, he said "Excuse me, BLACK GIRL, may I have your attention?" We tried immersing him with loving, inclusive groups at school, at our church, and any hobby/sport/interest that came along that he showed enthusiasm for... He was never invited to a classmate's birthday party more than once... Worst of all? He continually sees himself as a victim. It's not that the shitty things he says to people are the problem... It's that they are too simple to understand how he really means them. They are simply too stupid to realize how awesome/brilliant/cool he is... Oh, it makes me sad. It truly does. I hate him and he won't go away.
#21
Ok. I read through the other answers and am going to give this my two cents, even tough I am the child and not the parent.
This has come up after many years in therapy, mostly classical psychoanalysis.
My mother does not like me because she never got attached to me at birth. A year before my twin sister and I were born, our parents had triplets who all died after a few days. Untreated trauma followed. I was born nearly suffocated and poorly, so my mother, wanting to protect herself from more trauma, never attached to me. She did however to my twin sister who was born healthy and thrived.
Years went by and this initial lack of attached turned into resentment or dislike during my childhood because by the time we were eight years old, our parents were divorced, and I physically resembled my dead-beat father. This only worsened during my teenage years as I was beginning to act up years of neglect and became depressed. She disliked the signs of her own doing neglectful parenting and lack of love in me. I remind her of that.
Ever since we have pretended to get along, but the relationship is never really there. I am a mother of two myself now and have taken all of this on board trying to do better. I am also trying to understand her. That ultimately this was not her fault.
Amy Taylor 2 years ago
Wow.. this sounds like my mother in law. My husband was born with a major staph infection and he nearly died in the hospital. She told me that she wouldn't go visit him in the hospital because she didn't want to get attached in case she lost him. That really explained so much to me about their dynamic. My mom lost her first child at 2 days old and the hospital never let her see him or hold him and that tormented her until the day she died.
#22
Dear God, where do I start?
Mine is a lying, manipulative user who sucks up every amount of goodwill and charity from people before she turns on them. She is either unwilling or incapable of doing ANYTHING for herself, yet she treats every functioning adult as if they're stupid and have no idea what they're talking about. She lives for instant gratification and is unable to see more than about ten seconds in the future. When that complete lack of motivation and foresight ends up with entirely predictable consequences, she blames everyone around her for conspiring against her.
She got pregnant right after graduating high school and moving out. Upon delivery, she wanted nothing to do with the baby. My wife and I were the ones who took it home from the hospital and have been raising it. Our daughter treats her own child like a plaything and only sees it rarely to show off for people. Otherwise, she's not around.
She recently started a fairly long stint in jail. My wife has been sending her about $50 a week for phone calls and commissary. We found out she's been collecting similar amounts from lots of other people, claiming nobody has been helping her.
#23
I dont dislike my kids, but I really do hate the life i have. People say the kids don’t need to change your way of living. But they do. They really do. Everything gets more expensive, you can’t be spontaneous in the same way as before kids etc. There are so much things that are so much harder to do now and I feel so trapped and lonely.
David Henry 2 years ago
All prospective parents should read things like this and all the other examples first. No more of these bright bubbly cheerfully worded parenting books. Show them the other side, how dark and bad it can get, and how sometimes the lifestyle itself ends up not being for you but unlike a bad career move, that move can't be undone. Even if you put it towards adoption you've given them a memory of the family who didn't want them. Sometimes it isn't the kids or parents fault. Sometimes it's the fact we f*****g gaslight parents into thinking it'll def even out and be wonderful.
#24
While my problems aren't as serious as some of yours, I do resent my son. I fell pregnant when I while taking birth control. My husband and I had sworn that we wouldn't have kids, but kept this baby. He fell ill when he was a baby, and it ended costing thousands in bills and caused a lifetime of developmental problems. We treat him as if he is normal, don't tell him why he goes to his therapies, and to anyone who meets him they have no idea that there is anything wrong.
He has put a great strain on what was once a very good relationship. My husband and I were together for 4 years before having him. We rarely fought. After having him, we fight all the time. My husband works long hours to try and pay off all of the medical bills, which leaves me to basically be a single parent. We don't speak to my in laws because they tried to use my son as a pawn to make my husband hate me.
I love my son. I bust my a*s trying to give him a normal life. But I hate what he has done to the relationship I had with my husband. I hate the stress that his illnesses have put on my life.
Kathi Schäffer 2 years ago
I get that you're feeling this way. Also, we can't just turn off our feelings. And anger/hate is a feeling. I hope things get better for your family! ♥️
#25
My ex had a severely autistic brother. Non verbal except for humming which he would do 24/7. My ex liked to pretend her parents loved her brother but it was super obvious they divorced because of him. They fought tooth and nail on who would keep their normal daughter and who would keep their autistic son. They both wanted her.
#26
I realized it recently, in therapy.
It's not really them, per se. I realized about myself that I dislike children, period. That said, the presence of my kids in my life 24/7 has led to a great deal of resentment under the surface that I am now finally in touch with, which means now I'm also trying to deal with the guilt of feeling this way about the people I brought into this world.
I want - desperately - to be able to get in my car and drive to Alaska back just because I can. But I can't. I want to be able to have something called a "quiet weekend", assuming there is such a thing. I want to have money in the bank, better prospects for career advancement, the ability to take a risk like starting my own business. But I can't. I need the stable paycheck so that I can keep food on the table for the people in my house who took my wife away from me.
Meanwhile, my oldest is consistently lying to my face, my oldest two are constantly at war with each other over stupid shit, my third is special needs, I've got two in diapers, and this was all stuff that my wife and I walked into thinking it would be wonderful.
Worst of all: for her, it is wonderful, and that makes me the bad guy for having these feelings, since I'm obviously just being incredibly selfish.
You know what? She's right. I do feel like the bad guy for having these feelings, and I do feel like I'm being selfish, but I can't just snap my fingers and make these feelings go away.
I'm just hoping that one day, these children will grow up and get out of my house so I can have my wife back, assuming they don't take her out first.
Emma London 2 years ago (edited)
It's fairly common to people to expect a joyous family life and then it's a huge disappointment when the parental joy of spending time with our kids doesn't come. It doesn't help that the perfect parenthood myth has grown to a such a huge proportion that any resentment towards your kids or even wanting to be sometimes away from them is a huge tabu. So most parents just bite their tongue and bear it, thinking that it's normal thing to do. (It's not. Nuclear family is a recent concept, family units tended to larger and it was common to share parental duties and even give kids to relatives and childless couples to raise if things got too complicated.)
#27
I love my oldest son, but I don't like him. He's a compulsive liar and a self centered narcissist.
Anna Tribe 2 years ago
I went no contact for a couple of years then she came and said she needed her mum as her relationship was over. So I invited her in and we drank tea then I started putting my clean clothes away. She got furious, said very little of my clothes suited me and proceeded to throw out 95% of my clothes. She even took them to the junkyard. Then she started complaining about every little thing and nothing I ever did was good enough and she made me feel like I would rather kill myself than her torturing me all the time. So no contact again for a year. Then she told me she was pregnant and needed me. Under the 2 years we didn't speak I'd been shaving my hair totally bald because I was sick of my hair falling out. She was mad at me. I was ugly. I decided to let it grow out and about 2 months later she came to visit and she had bought an electric razor to shave my head. Told her no because I wanted to grow it. Again she got really angry with me. No contact again.
#28
I have two children, my eldest son was diagnosed with autism on the day my second son was born. My second son was then diagnosed with CP at nine months so it was overall a pretty sh**ty time for us. We resented our youngest for a while because we felt that if he wasn't born, then we would have been able to focus more on the eldest and his autism would have probably not as severe as it is now. But we let those feelings go some time ago. He is a wonderful younger brother and is doing very well. Our eldest son is also doing well and we can see that he has potential and it is up to us to unlock it. For us the mistake was never that we had children but rather that we were not educated/informed enough to make the right choices which could have prevented a lot of the issues we had during after pregnancy.
#29
I love my kids dearly, but there are definitely times I don't like them in the moment. My son has ADHD and maybe a bit on the aspie spectrum (never been evaluated for it but there's things that make me suspicious) and there are some times when he is ridiculously loud, invasive, obnoxious, disrespectful, etc. and seems literally incapable of stopping himself from doing it, or noticing that he's been asked to knock it off, or applying anything he's been told to the next time a similar situation comes up to not get in trouble again for the exact same thing. Then he acts like we're being unreasonable if we get upset or impose consequences for things like continuing to repeat the same loud, inappropriate statement after being clearly told to stop multiple times.
I know he wants to be a good person and cares about others for the most part, but when it comes to actually implementing these things, sometimes he just can't, and between just being annoyed and frustrated with him and feeling at fault for whatever imaginary failing must have existed in my parenting (or more likely his bio dad's genetics) to make him like this, there are times I can hardly stand him.
Still, I'm his mom and I love him and I'm never going to give up on him unless absolutely necessary to prevent harm to myself or my other kids, if he ever gets as bad as his father was about certain things. As more people get vaccinated and we are closer to the "end" of the pandemic, I'm going to start looking for a therapist with some experience with these things.
Gracie Mae 2 years ago
I think one of the most potent things I've ever said to any of my children (aside from "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed") was once while during a rough time with one, I said, "I love you, but I don't like you right now" & I walked away. I think that hit almost as hard as a slap to the face.
#30
Not a parent, not my kid, but I've been forced into the role of parent and I can't help but hate him.
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I love him dearly and our relationship has always been great. We're young, 23 and 22. Last year his mother passed away unexpectedly due to complications with surgery.
He has a younger half brother who is 17 so he needs a guardian for one more year, can't be too bad right? Wrong.
He is a slob. 17 years old and almost 400 pounds. He eats everything. Literally everything. We decide to have tacos, so we cook up enough meat to have plenty of left overs for the next day, we tell him not to eat it all. Wake up the next morning, it's all gone. A normal person shouldn't eat this much! We still have taco fixings left so we'll have tacos again later on right? Nope, he decides to eat all the queso, just plain from the jar with a spoon and lies about it when confronted.
We have to physically go into his room and make him bring out all the dirty dishes to wash or we won't have enough clean dishes.
I know he's going through a rough time (he's eating habits have been like this forever though) so I try to do nice things, once a grocery store visit I pick up a nice little snack to have in the house. Popcorn seems safe right? Nope, all 8 bags gone in two days. I bought a two litter once trying to be nice, he drunk it all in an hour.
He goes to school, he has decent grades, he's turned down therapy multiple times. He comes home from school and plays LoL all day, I have to threaten to take away his computer to get him to do anything around the house to help out. He eats, sleeps, and plays video games.
We have to threaten to take away the computer to get him to shower. He's not interested in picking up any hobbies. We've tried to include him in so much, I've given up taking him places. I can't stand one more time of finally getting a chance to go somewhere I've been wanting to go, like the zoo for example. We take him a long and he seems happy to go. But once we get there it's just whining about how hot it is, how far he has to walk, how animals are dumb, how he's hungry, how he'd rather be at home. And then the drive home is just him trying to convince us to go to every fast-food restaurant we pass.
I feel like a bad person for resenting the guy, I know he's going through a lot with his mom's passing and maybe I'm selfish, but I hate the strain he's put on me and my boyfriend both mentally and financially. We're young, were trying to pay for college and a house and take care of our selves. We can't keep affording to feed him on these habits.
I've started taking to setting his portion of food aside from the rest of the meal but it doesn't matter, after we go to bed he'll devour the left overs. I can't begin to tell you how nice it would be to have an actual left over night, but we can't, we have to cook every night.
I can't deal with his shinning and crying if he's computer is taken away or how we've "ruined his day/life" He's just so ungrateful it drives me crazy. We've basically put our lives on hold for the next year to make sure he has a normal last year of high school and he's such an ungrateful brat.
He's always been spoiled and given his way while growing up. "He's a growing boy" "he's just a kid" No, he's 17 years old and acts like a 12 year old because all you people have babied him his whole life. You've set him up for failure.
I don't have it bad, I know. I'm only in this for one year and it could be so much worse, I just really needed to get that off my chest. So many other people in here have it so much worse, I can't imagine what it's like for most of the posters here.
What do you think ?
Kathi Schäffer 2 years ago
I think it's better to know you don't want kids then to have them and resent them. So good on you!
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Fabiana Suanes 2 years ago
There are options. Is not mandatory to have kids. They dont deserve to grow in families that seems to hate them. What kind of human beings they will become? We need adoption, we need abortions, proper sex education. So many bad things in the world could be avoided. If only. Im not american but please dont lose Roe vs Wade.
Nia Loves Art 2 years ago
A lot of these people wanted their kids and got a really unlucky draw.
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PixieVonBehr 2 years ago
As someone who had a rough childhood, I find these posts super helpful. I've never wanted children as a result of my own trauma but as a woman in her 30's I'm feeling pressure before my 'clock' gives out. Reading these helps me understand there's nothing wrong with me and having children would likely re-traumatise me all over again. Thank you for sharing your honest stories.
DuchessDegu 2 years ago
It's perfectly ok and normal not to want children even without a reason! I've had a great childhood, wonderful parents and other family members and I knew from a very early age I wouldn't want children ever!
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Yayheterogeneity 2 years ago
This makes me so sad. I wish there were more support programmes fitted for the different needs.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
Parents of neurodivergent kids need so much more support than they have. It's just relentless.
Load More Replies... Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
I didn't have kids. When I was 23, I had an abortion. All of the women in my family have kids under the circumstances above: didn't expect a special needs' child, husband/family pressured them, they though a child's love and "being a mom!" would give their lives meaning. It never, ever works, and now my family is riddled with broken, hurting, abusive people who keep repeating that cycle. I broke it. I chose an abortion instead, because, as I knew then, I'd rather risk regretting an abortion than regretting having a child. Best decision I ever made, and have never regretted it. More women need to understand that "being a mom!" isn't everything. If you're unhappy or lost or sad, having kids will only make it worse. Just ask my own mom. You just don't have kids and "hope it all works out," FFS!
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
Yep same, just glad we got all the best bits from both of us in our daughter. Can't imagine how hard life would have been if she'd got all my bad bits....
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Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
This whole thing was an argument for legal, safe abortion without people screaming at someone about being mean/bad/selfish... b/c the kids do know when they'yre not wanted. And look how great they turn out b/c of their parents.... Yes, it's not always parents. but holy c**p....
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago (edited)
Not always, but often it is. And don't forget there is only one side of every story here. *edit: I am not talking about the parents with disabled children
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Rebecca Moore 2 years ago
I have always wanted children but have never had them and have had a couple of breakdowns because of it. Some of these stories are so heartbreaking (and I only read a few) that maybe I've been lucky to not have them.
ShareMusic 2 years ago
There is so much pain here. So sad. So many heartbreaking difficulties. It doesn't help when teachers blame parents for every behavior issue their child has. Some children are just so challenging.
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
Honestly mate, I'm a middle aged dude with a teenage daughter. They are tough days, of course, but it's just amazing most of the time. Every moment with my daughter is just... fun. And has been since the first moment I held her and she stared into my eyes. Enjoy it, just accept the tiredness as the price you pay for snuggles.
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Don John 2 years ago
So glad im gay and have no kids.......... moneys my own....times my own.....nice house.. holidays booked for summer 2022.......... can just get up and get a plane/ train/bus anywhere i want if mood takes me........ i have zero paternal instincts..... and its pure bliss.
CrazyDogLady 2 years ago
These are super depressing but they've done one good thing for me - although my son's now going through very difficult times and i've been losing my s**t all the time, those reminded me of how much I love him no matter what and that I really need to step up my game and show it to him even more.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
That's going to make so much of a positive difference. And if you need help, please don't rule out family therapy. There are tools to learn for effective communication or balancing the stress, and it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it. To use the vernacular, "you're doing awesome, sweetie!" You really are.
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Katinka Min 2 years ago
Wow, that is one depressing post. But the world needs honest descriptions like this and I hope a lot fo people read it and THINK before they go and have kids. Thinks long and hard if they can provide for them, if they are metnally emotionally and financially stable enough to procreate.
H M 2 years ago
I have to say most people I know expected their kids to be mini-mes. They are not. Regardless of your interest, your way of life, they are individuals and make their own decisions. Much to the shock of many. They may become nice people, they may become terrible ones. You may have no comprehension of their work, interests or ideas. Animals get this, humans don't.
Sara 2 years ago
I wish people would stop trying to use or manipulate children to try and hurt their exes. Its not even about the kids in half of these. And some are about bratty sounding adults raising bratty kids. Or some whining about how they can't do fun stuff any more and their kids are a real drag. I can't stand parents like that. Usually, those people find others to raise their kids for them. My heart goes out to those in medical situations beyond their control. But the rest of these are horrible and selfish.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
Then I hope they'll understand how hard parenting is, and maybe not be in such a rush to repeat it. It hurts, but we have to deal with the realities, too. Knowing that my mom had me to fulfill her own issues and for me to take care of her is painful, but also informed my decision to not repeat those mistakes myself.
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Annabeth Chase 2 years ago
Something I hated while looking at these was the amount of “severely autistic”, “high-functioning” and “low-functioning” labels added. Autism is a spectrum and it changes day-to-day. One day I’m completely fine, the next I’m crying because my mum tried to make me brush my hair.(I have a super sensitive scalp, that she conveniently refuses to believe exists)
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago
I just saw special brushes for sensitive scalp the other day on the internet. Just so you know 😘
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Curry on... 2 years ago
The concern I've heard from parents of children with physical or mental problems is, 'who will take care of them after I'm gone.' Indeed...who?
wv10014 2 years ago
In the U.S. there certainly aren't any good options because the GOP doesn't want to help anyone (everyone needs to "pull themselves up by their own bootstraps")
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Libra Rising 2 years ago
I'll make this brief but felt the need to comment. I had some very similar experiences with my second child. I sometimes hated my life because of her. We were persistent in therapy, found the right meds, secured an IEP, etc., and now she's 12 and like one of my best friends. She's still a lot and difficult sometimes but she bloomed and I know it's from the work we all put in. This can't be everyone's story and the path is still unfolding, but there is hope. I thought my life would be miserable until she moved out and now I actually miss her when she goes to her dads.
Amy Taylor 2 years ago
Yes it is!! Kids feel and know more than we give them credit for. It's wonderful parents like you that make them thrive when they are born with challenges.
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Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
I think people judge these people a bit to hard in general. They share their honest struggles and are in need of support, there's actually nothing wrong with that. People often focus on the practical struggles of parenthood but forget the emotional burden, and that responsibility. I started therapy after having kids when I realized how much their emotions bring out your own unprocessed feelings - I realized I needed to get those in order first to handle parenthood. It's not selfish and I'm sure this is more common than you think. Their feelings can really turn on your own. I'm sure most of these parents LOVE their kids but they are allowed to feel overwhelmed and reach out for support. Parents need to find happiness too to be better parents and feel content in life. The whole "parents need to sacrifice everything for their kids without any complaints" need to stop. Unhappy parents lead to unhappy kids. This is them venting, please let them.
Elvira Dirge 2 years ago
The number of people that read the title of this article, then opened it to read it, just to attack everyone who took it as a chance to vent and be honest are astounding. I know it's the nature of the internet, but has not one of these people ever felt guilty for feeling how they feel? Parenting is f*ing IMPOSSIBLE and even more so when it's complicated by medical, martial, etc issues. This is exactly why I don't like the word "just". "Just don't marry that person." "Just don't have kids." "Just take away x-y-z. That'll fix them." It's never EVER "just".
Terka Červeňáková 2 years ago
Lot's of these Are undiagnosed kids without proper care And help or medication. And #8, mum should set up hidden cameras And secretely record her argumenty with the daughter, So She can have prove for the girls dad And therapist....
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
WOW! Reading this makes me realise how lucky I am. I know that you can do nothing about who pops out, or if they are healthy. They might get all the bad stuff and make your life tough, and I really feel for the people whose kids are ill, not sure I could cope as well as them. And if you don't want kids, don't have kids. But.... after reading this, and seeing how many negative comments there are, I just have to give one glimmer of light to people who do want, or are expecting kids. In our case, we have one daughter, she is magnificent. Quite quiet, but always sassy, and smart, but polite. I'm guessing that's just her nature because we aren't perfect parents AT ALL. Of course parenting is hard and tiring sometimes. But honestly every moment has been a joy for me. She's 14 and getting a little less communicative, but we had a daddy daughter day in Edinburgh a few weeks ago we laughed so hard for the whole day. There are tough days, but for us, or maybe just me, the joy is... beyond words
Craig Reynolds 2 years ago
I never wanted kids and never had them. It wasn't because I didn't like kids. It was because I had a useless, unskilled (parenting-wise) father. He never did anything with me! Never taught me anything, never played catch, knew nothing of sports, so I learned nothing either. He knew nothing of how to be a father to a son. To do this day I know nothing about sports. I decided never to be a father because I had no role model to teach me and I was unwilling to go through the hassle of figuring it out. I also knew there were some mental health issues on both my parent's sides and I wasn't going to risk that as well. Part of the reason I divorced my first wife is that after a few years of marriage she changed her mind and decided she wanted kids and I refused to even consider it. She is bipolar, so is her brother, and so was her father so, NO WAY would I ever consider spinning that roulette wheel. That would be like staring down Karma and saying, "Show me what you got. I dare you."
Darlene Thorne 2 years ago
I like working with kids, but I never had that maternal instinct. After seeing what it has done to so many families, I'm glad I didn't. Ironically, I think after watching families both succeed and fail at it, I think I would have made a good Mom overall, but it does mean giving up a good deal of one's freedom, and freedom won out for me. I am pro-choice and after reading all these stories of people who had unwanted kids, I am even more so.
Geoff 2 years ago
I'm noticing that many of these posts talk about the crippling costs of caring for a child with special needs. Even in nations with public health care programs, special needs care can require additional costs that aren't covered by government plans. Even employer funded plans can come up short. I'm in Canada and I have a friend who has 2 kids on the spectrum and getting them specialized care is a financial challenge for him. I couldn't begin to imagine how much harder it would be on families in the US, where there is no funding at all. As if being a parent isn't tough enough, bearing the emotional and financial burden of a child with special needs is enough to leave even the strongest person in tears.
Nancy Bania 7 months ago
This article made me feel so much better about my relationship with my daughter. She's in her 40's and I'm in my 60's. I never, ever wanted kids, but my then husband talked me into it. I was a single parent (her dad died when she was 3) and did my best. She spent her youth lying, stealing, d***s, vandalism, jail and breaking every law. We've barely spoken in 20 years. Lesson for everyone - If you don't want kids - DON'T have them.
Jessica butts 1 year ago
Some of these parents are idiots and abusive. If you have a non-verbal child who is screaming in pain, you take them to the doctor immediately, you don't wait until their eardrum bursts. We can figure this stuff out! Please come see us!!
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago (edited)
I am torn here for a bit. It is so good that parents speak up and be honest. However I have seen around me, the people whose children behave this way, have themselves to blame. One was my friend and her kid was rude, hit her, screamed and yelled. He never had any boundaries. She always gave in. She was very selfish, wanted to go out on weekends and use drugs. Dump her kid with friends. She also yelled at him. She brought him over to stay and didn't tell him. She then bought back his love with buying him stuff. She put him in a hippie school whereas everyone told her he needed more structure in his life. Everyone disliked the kid but I thought it was so sad to see he just wanted to get her attention and love but did not know how
Brigit Sole-March 2 years ago
Sometimes narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and even the dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism & psychopathy or sociopathy) manifest in our children. When this happens, it is tough to get help for these kids, as they tend to be hardwired that way, and feel no need to change or be 'helped'. They often grow into toxic adults even when they have had 'good parenting'. Brutal but true. One imagines that young Hitler, Mussolini, Jeffrey Dahmer or other adult psychopaths must have been a handful, if not ignored and mistreated.
Holly Bee 2 years ago
I don't think telling parents that 'they had options' is all that helpful. If they REALLY didn't want kids, they shouldn't have put out. Sh!t happens. These people can't do a whole lot about that now. If they spent all their time thinking they should have gotten an abortion, and if thats all they're hearing from other people, then yeah they'd be miserable and resentful and guilty 24 7. How about offering actual helpful suggestions for their life NOW.
That'sEndorable 2 years ago (edited)
These stories are so moving. I love my son so much, and I get told so often that I'm such a great Dad. No, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm a bad Dad, but I have a great son... and one who has been "easy" in a lot of ways. I am so grateful for him. It's not that he doesn't have problems that make life a little complicated: he's had milk allergies, neurological problems, and I'm anxious for him because he's so small. But these people with kids with autism... I know they ALSO don't get the billion little rewards that can be so sustaining. They are so much stronger than I.
Mandy Kat 2 years ago
These posts were truly heartbreaking to read. As a parent of a special needs child, I can relate to that feeling of helplessness, never ending fatigue and stress. The mourning of the loss of hopes and dreams you had for your child, which were instantly crushed the moment you finally learned what’s wrong with your kid. Many of these parents seem to have some serious caregiver fatigue, and I can’t emphasize how important it is to carve out “me” time in your day, even taking a walk or closing the bedroom door just to breathe for 5 minutes or whatever works for you. I know, I know, when people used to tell me “be sure to take care of yourself!” I just wanted to punch them in the face. Like how could they possibly ever understand what I was going through? It took me awhile but now it is set as my important routine. And find support/affinity groups with parents who are struggling with parenting challenging kids. We are out there and we don’t judge your kid’s behavior.
Throw Away 2 years ago
I have recently had to go no contact with my eldest child. She is in her early 20s and married with a one year old and one on the way. Over the years I have taken her to therapists etc with her mental health issues as well as epilepsy. Last year she told me it was all my fault and that she didn't need any of the therapy or medications. She was begging for mental health support at around 14 and was self harming. I did absolutely everything I could to make her happy and feel supported. But she threw it back at me. She would run away a lot so I would have to go searching for her and often get the police involved. I believe now that she wanted the attention. Since having her first child her mental health has declined significantly. Her wife has control over everything in their relationship but when I brought this up I was called everything under the sun. I have been stopped from seeing my grandchild on and off over the last year because I apparently don't do enough for them.
Throw Away 2 years ago
She has now gone too far and over the course of the last month sent me far too many nasty texts. Telling me how I failed as a parent and calling me lots of names. For my own mental health I have now stopped all contact with her. I am utterly deverstated but some of the things she has said are unforgivable. I don't hatr my daughter, but I do hate her wife and I hate how my daughter treated me.
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Rory Theabeau 5 months ago
I don't like my grown daughter. She is the most selfish manipulative person. She lies about me. I spent so many years loving her and trying to do my best for her and she's such a selfish and hateful person. We aren't on speaking terms and I am so happy I don't have to continue that bad relationship.
Shawna Burt 1 year ago
I'm feeling the need to go give my parents a big freakin' bear hug, because they raised me right.
Charlotte Richards 1 year ago
I don't want kids. At all. In any capacity. I don't even want to live in the same house as kids. I just can't, the very thought makes me sick. However, my partner very much wants a kid or two of her own. I love her so much and I know how much it would mean to her to have a kid, but I just wouldn't be able to deal with it. I'm worried that if we have a kid, not only will it make me miserable, but it could put a huge strain on our relationship. I've actually thought about leaving if I must to avoid living in the same house as a child, and I hate it. I hate that I hate children enough that I'd even consider leaving my partner. She's wonderful, makeno mistake, and our relationship is thriving. We've had hurdles, but we've worked over them. This is probably the wrong place to ask but I don't have a Reddit account - AITA?
Monique Rosewood 2 years ago
A lot of these people did want children and were unhappy because they drew the short stick. That happens. My mother absolutely hated me growing up, not because of behavioral issues but because I looked like my father. There should be more education on how difficult having children will be.
Andrea Macinnis 2 years ago
A look on the other side. The first 12 yrs of my life was in the care of a mentally unstable mother and foster care. When my father finally got custody of both myself and a younger sister, he was already remarried with a baby boy. Realizing at the age of 12 that my parents would never reunite, i took to blaming my stepmother. By the time i turned 16, i was in full rebellion to my stepmother in every way. I did whatever i want, whenever i wanted. I had absolutely no respect for what this poor woman had sacrificed to be my stepmother. We literally hated eachother for years. Although i was a child for some of those years, i was old enough to know i was being an Ahole in my choice ways of tormenting her. By the time i had turned 20, my father, stepmother and i had washed our hands of eachother. It wasnt until my late 20s and my stepmother was in the throws of a sugar coma and diabetic shock that nearly killed her, did i realize how much of a damn good mom she had been for all those years.
Dorothy Cloud 2 years ago
I could not finish reading all these scenarios. My heart breaks for all of them. I pray their lives will soon be happier.
Kat 2 years ago (edited)
Most are really unfortunate examples, but then some are just plain a ..hole people and I feel sorry for their children. Also reading all the comments has made me wonder if I'm actually the only one here that actually likes her kids and is happy to be a parent and who really doesn't feel like it is that hard. Also it hasn't stopped us from travelling, we do it with kids and it's a lot of fun.
Gladys Hayes Southerland 1 year ago (edited)
glad you spoke up as l was wondering the same thing. I was a single mom with 2, seven years apart. Best adventure of my life! My daughter says she was so happy with our little family, when the teacher asked what did she want to be when she grew up, she replied 'a single mother like my mom" & l got a phone call that night. We had great times, challenging times, and always loving times They're 37 & 29 now and we're the best of friends, still.
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Kurtis Wethington 2 years ago
Remember how talks shows would have teens who "can't WAIT" to have kids as if it'd be fun and glamorous then they get sent to boot camps and women's shelters to see how hard parenthood (ESPECIALLY single motherhood) really is to scare them straight? Same energy here, but in written form and no bratty, wannabe Z-listers in skanky clothes screaming at the audience.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
I'm thankful daily for my son. I'm even more so after readying these. I feel for these families and I can empathize with their situations.
WarpedThoughts 2 years ago
Wow. How to make your audience depressed with an article 80% full of jack a*s parents bitching about their CHILDREN?!? In most cases. Good on yea Bored Panda for encouraging depression and mental illness in a post. Bye 🤘
MimSorensson 2 years ago
A bit tasteless pushing some religious narrative in a thread like this, isn’t it? People share their real pain that they live with, and you feel it prudent to respond by lecturing about some delusional end-of-the-world-scenario, trying to push your god on people…? Not morally ok, man. Please, as an adult, keep your perceived self righteousness and your oppressive beliefs to yourself.
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Axolotl King 2 years ago
Or maybe it's a good thing that people are finally able to talk about the hardships of being a parent? I imagine not too long ago this kind of talk was greatly frowned upon. There are also plenty BP articles that talk about the joy of parenthood
Load More Replies... Kathi Schäffer 2 years ago
I think it's better to know you don't want kids then to have them and resent them. So good on you!
Load More Replies... Fabiana Suanes 2 years ago
There are options. Is not mandatory to have kids. They dont deserve to grow in families that seems to hate them. What kind of human beings they will become? We need adoption, we need abortions, proper sex education. So many bad things in the world could be avoided. If only. Im not american but please dont lose Roe vs Wade.
Nia Loves Art 2 years ago
A lot of these people wanted their kids and got a really unlucky draw.
Load More Replies... PixieVonBehr 2 years ago
As someone who had a rough childhood, I find these posts super helpful. I've never wanted children as a result of my own trauma but as a woman in her 30's I'm feeling pressure before my 'clock' gives out. Reading these helps me understand there's nothing wrong with me and having children would likely re-traumatise me all over again. Thank you for sharing your honest stories.
DuchessDegu 2 years ago
It's perfectly ok and normal not to want children even without a reason! I've had a great childhood, wonderful parents and other family members and I knew from a very early age I wouldn't want children ever!
Load More Replies... Yayheterogeneity 2 years ago
This makes me so sad. I wish there were more support programmes fitted for the different needs.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
Parents of neurodivergent kids need so much more support than they have. It's just relentless.
Load More Replies... Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
I didn't have kids. When I was 23, I had an abortion. All of the women in my family have kids under the circumstances above: didn't expect a special needs' child, husband/family pressured them, they though a child's love and "being a mom!" would give their lives meaning. It never, ever works, and now my family is riddled with broken, hurting, abusive people who keep repeating that cycle. I broke it. I chose an abortion instead, because, as I knew then, I'd rather risk regretting an abortion than regretting having a child. Best decision I ever made, and have never regretted it. More women need to understand that "being a mom!" isn't everything. If you're unhappy or lost or sad, having kids will only make it worse. Just ask my own mom. You just don't have kids and "hope it all works out," FFS!
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
Yep same, just glad we got all the best bits from both of us in our daughter. Can't imagine how hard life would have been if she'd got all my bad bits....
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
This whole thing was an argument for legal, safe abortion without people screaming at someone about being mean/bad/selfish... b/c the kids do know when they'yre not wanted. And look how great they turn out b/c of their parents.... Yes, it's not always parents. but holy c**p....
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago (edited)
Not always, but often it is. And don't forget there is only one side of every story here. *edit: I am not talking about the parents with disabled children
Load More Replies... Rebecca Moore 2 years ago
I have always wanted children but have never had them and have had a couple of breakdowns because of it. Some of these stories are so heartbreaking (and I only read a few) that maybe I've been lucky to not have them.
ShareMusic 2 years ago
There is so much pain here. So sad. So many heartbreaking difficulties. It doesn't help when teachers blame parents for every behavior issue their child has. Some children are just so challenging.
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
Honestly mate, I'm a middle aged dude with a teenage daughter. They are tough days, of course, but it's just amazing most of the time. Every moment with my daughter is just... fun. And has been since the first moment I held her and she stared into my eyes. Enjoy it, just accept the tiredness as the price you pay for snuggles.
Load More Replies... Don John 2 years ago
So glad im gay and have no kids.......... moneys my own....times my own.....nice house.. holidays booked for summer 2022.......... can just get up and get a plane/ train/bus anywhere i want if mood takes me........ i have zero paternal instincts..... and its pure bliss.
CrazyDogLady 2 years ago
These are super depressing but they've done one good thing for me - although my son's now going through very difficult times and i've been losing my s**t all the time, those reminded me of how much I love him no matter what and that I really need to step up my game and show it to him even more.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
That's going to make so much of a positive difference. And if you need help, please don't rule out family therapy. There are tools to learn for effective communication or balancing the stress, and it's hard to see it when you're in the middle of it. To use the vernacular, "you're doing awesome, sweetie!" You really are.
Load More Replies... Katinka Min 2 years ago
Wow, that is one depressing post. But the world needs honest descriptions like this and I hope a lot fo people read it and THINK before they go and have kids. Thinks long and hard if they can provide for them, if they are metnally emotionally and financially stable enough to procreate.
H M 2 years ago
I have to say most people I know expected their kids to be mini-mes. They are not. Regardless of your interest, your way of life, they are individuals and make their own decisions. Much to the shock of many. They may become nice people, they may become terrible ones. You may have no comprehension of their work, interests or ideas. Animals get this, humans don't.
Sara 2 years ago
I wish people would stop trying to use or manipulate children to try and hurt their exes. Its not even about the kids in half of these. And some are about bratty sounding adults raising bratty kids. Or some whining about how they can't do fun stuff any more and their kids are a real drag. I can't stand parents like that. Usually, those people find others to raise their kids for them. My heart goes out to those in medical situations beyond their control. But the rest of these are horrible and selfish.
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
Then I hope they'll understand how hard parenting is, and maybe not be in such a rush to repeat it. It hurts, but we have to deal with the realities, too. Knowing that my mom had me to fulfill her own issues and for me to take care of her is painful, but also informed my decision to not repeat those mistakes myself.
Load More Replies... Annabeth Chase 2 years ago
Something I hated while looking at these was the amount of “severely autistic”, “high-functioning” and “low-functioning” labels added. Autism is a spectrum and it changes day-to-day. One day I’m completely fine, the next I’m crying because my mum tried to make me brush my hair.(I have a super sensitive scalp, that she conveniently refuses to believe exists)
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago
I just saw special brushes for sensitive scalp the other day on the internet. Just so you know 😘
Load More Replies... Curry on... 2 years ago
The concern I've heard from parents of children with physical or mental problems is, 'who will take care of them after I'm gone.' Indeed...who?
wv10014 2 years ago
In the U.S. there certainly aren't any good options because the GOP doesn't want to help anyone (everyone needs to "pull themselves up by their own bootstraps")
Load More Replies... Libra Rising 2 years ago
I'll make this brief but felt the need to comment. I had some very similar experiences with my second child. I sometimes hated my life because of her. We were persistent in therapy, found the right meds, secured an IEP, etc., and now she's 12 and like one of my best friends. She's still a lot and difficult sometimes but she bloomed and I know it's from the work we all put in. This can't be everyone's story and the path is still unfolding, but there is hope. I thought my life would be miserable until she moved out and now I actually miss her when she goes to her dads.
Amy Taylor 2 years ago
Yes it is!! Kids feel and know more than we give them credit for. It's wonderful parents like you that make them thrive when they are born with challenges.
Load More Replies... Tigerpacingthecage 2 years ago
I think people judge these people a bit to hard in general. They share their honest struggles and are in need of support, there's actually nothing wrong with that. People often focus on the practical struggles of parenthood but forget the emotional burden, and that responsibility. I started therapy after having kids when I realized how much their emotions bring out your own unprocessed feelings - I realized I needed to get those in order first to handle parenthood. It's not selfish and I'm sure this is more common than you think. Their feelings can really turn on your own. I'm sure most of these parents LOVE their kids but they are allowed to feel overwhelmed and reach out for support. Parents need to find happiness too to be better parents and feel content in life. The whole "parents need to sacrifice everything for their kids without any complaints" need to stop. Unhappy parents lead to unhappy kids. This is them venting, please let them.
Elvira Dirge 2 years ago
The number of people that read the title of this article, then opened it to read it, just to attack everyone who took it as a chance to vent and be honest are astounding. I know it's the nature of the internet, but has not one of these people ever felt guilty for feeling how they feel? Parenting is f*ing IMPOSSIBLE and even more so when it's complicated by medical, martial, etc issues. This is exactly why I don't like the word "just". "Just don't marry that person." "Just don't have kids." "Just take away x-y-z. That'll fix them." It's never EVER "just".
Terka Červeňáková 2 years ago
Lot's of these Are undiagnosed kids without proper care And help or medication. And #8, mum should set up hidden cameras And secretely record her argumenty with the daughter, So She can have prove for the girls dad And therapist....
Everything is fascinating. 2 years ago
WOW! Reading this makes me realise how lucky I am. I know that you can do nothing about who pops out, or if they are healthy. They might get all the bad stuff and make your life tough, and I really feel for the people whose kids are ill, not sure I could cope as well as them. And if you don't want kids, don't have kids. But.... after reading this, and seeing how many negative comments there are, I just have to give one glimmer of light to people who do want, or are expecting kids. In our case, we have one daughter, she is magnificent. Quite quiet, but always sassy, and smart, but polite. I'm guessing that's just her nature because we aren't perfect parents AT ALL. Of course parenting is hard and tiring sometimes. But honestly every moment has been a joy for me. She's 14 and getting a little less communicative, but we had a daddy daughter day in Edinburgh a few weeks ago we laughed so hard for the whole day. There are tough days, but for us, or maybe just me, the joy is... beyond words
Craig Reynolds 2 years ago
I never wanted kids and never had them. It wasn't because I didn't like kids. It was because I had a useless, unskilled (parenting-wise) father. He never did anything with me! Never taught me anything, never played catch, knew nothing of sports, so I learned nothing either. He knew nothing of how to be a father to a son. To do this day I know nothing about sports. I decided never to be a father because I had no role model to teach me and I was unwilling to go through the hassle of figuring it out. I also knew there were some mental health issues on both my parent's sides and I wasn't going to risk that as well. Part of the reason I divorced my first wife is that after a few years of marriage she changed her mind and decided she wanted kids and I refused to even consider it. She is bipolar, so is her brother, and so was her father so, NO WAY would I ever consider spinning that roulette wheel. That would be like staring down Karma and saying, "Show me what you got. I dare you."
Darlene Thorne 2 years ago
I like working with kids, but I never had that maternal instinct. After seeing what it has done to so many families, I'm glad I didn't. Ironically, I think after watching families both succeed and fail at it, I think I would have made a good Mom overall, but it does mean giving up a good deal of one's freedom, and freedom won out for me. I am pro-choice and after reading all these stories of people who had unwanted kids, I am even more so.
Geoff 2 years ago
I'm noticing that many of these posts talk about the crippling costs of caring for a child with special needs. Even in nations with public health care programs, special needs care can require additional costs that aren't covered by government plans. Even employer funded plans can come up short. I'm in Canada and I have a friend who has 2 kids on the spectrum and getting them specialized care is a financial challenge for him. I couldn't begin to imagine how much harder it would be on families in the US, where there is no funding at all. As if being a parent isn't tough enough, bearing the emotional and financial burden of a child with special needs is enough to leave even the strongest person in tears.
Nancy Bania 7 months ago
This article made me feel so much better about my relationship with my daughter. She's in her 40's and I'm in my 60's. I never, ever wanted kids, but my then husband talked me into it. I was a single parent (her dad died when she was 3) and did my best. She spent her youth lying, stealing, d***s, vandalism, jail and breaking every law. We've barely spoken in 20 years. Lesson for everyone - If you don't want kids - DON'T have them.
Jessica butts 1 year ago
Some of these parents are idiots and abusive. If you have a non-verbal child who is screaming in pain, you take them to the doctor immediately, you don't wait until their eardrum bursts. We can figure this stuff out! Please come see us!!
Cathelijne Van 1 year ago (edited)
I am torn here for a bit. It is so good that parents speak up and be honest. However I have seen around me, the people whose children behave this way, have themselves to blame. One was my friend and her kid was rude, hit her, screamed and yelled. He never had any boundaries. She always gave in. She was very selfish, wanted to go out on weekends and use drugs. Dump her kid with friends. She also yelled at him. She brought him over to stay and didn't tell him. She then bought back his love with buying him stuff. She put him in a hippie school whereas everyone told her he needed more structure in his life. Everyone disliked the kid but I thought it was so sad to see he just wanted to get her attention and love but did not know how
Brigit Sole-March 2 years ago
Sometimes narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and even the dark triad (narcissism, Machiavellianism & psychopathy or sociopathy) manifest in our children. When this happens, it is tough to get help for these kids, as they tend to be hardwired that way, and feel no need to change or be 'helped'. They often grow into toxic adults even when they have had 'good parenting'. Brutal but true. One imagines that young Hitler, Mussolini, Jeffrey Dahmer or other adult psychopaths must have been a handful, if not ignored and mistreated.
Holly Bee 2 years ago
I don't think telling parents that 'they had options' is all that helpful. If they REALLY didn't want kids, they shouldn't have put out. Sh!t happens. These people can't do a whole lot about that now. If they spent all their time thinking they should have gotten an abortion, and if thats all they're hearing from other people, then yeah they'd be miserable and resentful and guilty 24 7. How about offering actual helpful suggestions for their life NOW.
That'sEndorable 2 years ago (edited)
These stories are so moving. I love my son so much, and I get told so often that I'm such a great Dad. No, I'm not. I'm not saying I'm a bad Dad, but I have a great son... and one who has been "easy" in a lot of ways. I am so grateful for him. It's not that he doesn't have problems that make life a little complicated: he's had milk allergies, neurological problems, and I'm anxious for him because he's so small. But these people with kids with autism... I know they ALSO don't get the billion little rewards that can be so sustaining. They are so much stronger than I.
Mandy Kat 2 years ago
These posts were truly heartbreaking to read. As a parent of a special needs child, I can relate to that feeling of helplessness, never ending fatigue and stress. The mourning of the loss of hopes and dreams you had for your child, which were instantly crushed the moment you finally learned what’s wrong with your kid. Many of these parents seem to have some serious caregiver fatigue, and I can’t emphasize how important it is to carve out “me” time in your day, even taking a walk or closing the bedroom door just to breathe for 5 minutes or whatever works for you. I know, I know, when people used to tell me “be sure to take care of yourself!” I just wanted to punch them in the face. Like how could they possibly ever understand what I was going through? It took me awhile but now it is set as my important routine. And find support/affinity groups with parents who are struggling with parenting challenging kids. We are out there and we don’t judge your kid’s behavior.
Throw Away 2 years ago
I have recently had to go no contact with my eldest child. She is in her early 20s and married with a one year old and one on the way. Over the years I have taken her to therapists etc with her mental health issues as well as epilepsy. Last year she told me it was all my fault and that she didn't need any of the therapy or medications. She was begging for mental health support at around 14 and was self harming. I did absolutely everything I could to make her happy and feel supported. But she threw it back at me. She would run away a lot so I would have to go searching for her and often get the police involved. I believe now that she wanted the attention. Since having her first child her mental health has declined significantly. Her wife has control over everything in their relationship but when I brought this up I was called everything under the sun. I have been stopped from seeing my grandchild on and off over the last year because I apparently don't do enough for them.
Throw Away 2 years ago
She has now gone too far and over the course of the last month sent me far too many nasty texts. Telling me how I failed as a parent and calling me lots of names. For my own mental health I have now stopped all contact with her. I am utterly deverstated but some of the things she has said are unforgivable. I don't hatr my daughter, but I do hate her wife and I hate how my daughter treated me.
Load More Replies... Rory Theabeau 5 months ago
I don't like my grown daughter. She is the most selfish manipulative person. She lies about me. I spent so many years loving her and trying to do my best for her and she's such a selfish and hateful person. We aren't on speaking terms and I am so happy I don't have to continue that bad relationship.
Shawna Burt 1 year ago
I'm feeling the need to go give my parents a big freakin' bear hug, because they raised me right.
Charlotte Richards 1 year ago
I don't want kids. At all. In any capacity. I don't even want to live in the same house as kids. I just can't, the very thought makes me sick. However, my partner very much wants a kid or two of her own. I love her so much and I know how much it would mean to her to have a kid, but I just wouldn't be able to deal with it. I'm worried that if we have a kid, not only will it make me miserable, but it could put a huge strain on our relationship. I've actually thought about leaving if I must to avoid living in the same house as a child, and I hate it. I hate that I hate children enough that I'd even consider leaving my partner. She's wonderful, makeno mistake, and our relationship is thriving. We've had hurdles, but we've worked over them. This is probably the wrong place to ask but I don't have a Reddit account - AITA?
Monique Rosewood 2 years ago
A lot of these people did want children and were unhappy because they drew the short stick. That happens. My mother absolutely hated me growing up, not because of behavioral issues but because I looked like my father. There should be more education on how difficult having children will be.
Andrea Macinnis 2 years ago
A look on the other side. The first 12 yrs of my life was in the care of a mentally unstable mother and foster care. When my father finally got custody of both myself and a younger sister, he was already remarried with a baby boy. Realizing at the age of 12 that my parents would never reunite, i took to blaming my stepmother. By the time i turned 16, i was in full rebellion to my stepmother in every way. I did whatever i want, whenever i wanted. I had absolutely no respect for what this poor woman had sacrificed to be my stepmother. We literally hated eachother for years. Although i was a child for some of those years, i was old enough to know i was being an Ahole in my choice ways of tormenting her. By the time i had turned 20, my father, stepmother and i had washed our hands of eachother. It wasnt until my late 20s and my stepmother was in the throws of a sugar coma and diabetic shock that nearly killed her, did i realize how much of a damn good mom she had been for all those years.
Dorothy Cloud 2 years ago
I could not finish reading all these scenarios. My heart breaks for all of them. I pray their lives will soon be happier.
Kat 2 years ago (edited)
Most are really unfortunate examples, but then some are just plain a ..hole people and I feel sorry for their children. Also reading all the comments has made me wonder if I'm actually the only one here that actually likes her kids and is happy to be a parent and who really doesn't feel like it is that hard. Also it hasn't stopped us from travelling, we do it with kids and it's a lot of fun.
Gladys Hayes Southerland 1 year ago (edited)
glad you spoke up as l was wondering the same thing. I was a single mom with 2, seven years apart. Best adventure of my life! My daughter says she was so happy with our little family, when the teacher asked what did she want to be when she grew up, she replied 'a single mother like my mom" & l got a phone call that night. We had great times, challenging times, and always loving times They're 37 & 29 now and we're the best of friends, still.
Load More Replies... Kurtis Wethington 2 years ago
Remember how talks shows would have teens who "can't WAIT" to have kids as if it'd be fun and glamorous then they get sent to boot camps and women's shelters to see how hard parenthood (ESPECIALLY single motherhood) really is to scare them straight? Same energy here, but in written form and no bratty, wannabe Z-listers in skanky clothes screaming at the audience.
Susan Bosse 2 years ago
I'm thankful daily for my son. I'm even more so after readying these. I feel for these families and I can empathize with their situations.
WarpedThoughts 2 years ago
Wow. How to make your audience depressed with an article 80% full of jack a*s parents bitching about their CHILDREN?!? In most cases. Good on yea Bored Panda for encouraging depression and mental illness in a post. Bye 🤘
MimSorensson 2 years ago
A bit tasteless pushing some religious narrative in a thread like this, isn’t it? People share their real pain that they live with, and you feel it prudent to respond by lecturing about some delusional end-of-the-world-scenario, trying to push your god on people…? Not morally ok, man. Please, as an adult, keep your perceived self righteousness and your oppressive beliefs to yourself.
Load More Replies... Axolotl King 2 years ago
Or maybe it's a good thing that people are finally able to talk about the hardships of being a parent? I imagine not too long ago this kind of talk was greatly frowned upon. There are also plenty BP articles that talk about the joy of parenthood
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