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People Are Sharing The Best Things They Learned In Therapy So That Everyone Can Learn Them For Free (30 Tweets)
Our mental health is paramount. However, this message can get lost in the storm of noise that surrounds our daily routines. Before we know it, we’ve put the things that should matter to us most on the backburner and we might feel like we’re overwhelmed by work, school, life. Everything.
Even though we’re living in 2021, there’s still a certain stigma surrounding going to see a therapist. Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s far smaller than it was decades ago (and a lot depends on where you live and the cultural context), but there are still far too many people who think that seeing a psychotherapist is something ‘shameful’ or amounts to ‘giving up.’
Fortunately, the friendly folks over on Twitter are here to help. Twitter user Drivingmemadi, aka Madimoiselle, created a viral thread, asking everyone to share at least one thing that they learned in therapy. Her mission—to help everyone get a little bit more insight into mental health, relationships, and the reasons why we do what we do. The bit about perfectionism and insecurity being linked was particularly enlightening for me.
Have a read through the therapy tips below, let us know which ones you found the most helpful, and if you’ve got any of your own to share, you’ll find the comment section particularly welcoming, dear Pandas.
Psychotherapist Silva Neves was kind enough to go into detail with Bored Panda about the stigma of seeking professional help. "I think it is getting better and there is less stigma seeing a therapist now. It depends on your location though, there are still some parts of the world where therapy is still a taboo. Some people think that seeing a therapist means that you're 'crazy,' but this is not actually what therapy is about," he said. You'll find the full interview below, dear Readers.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Ola Polowczyk 4 years ago
I always say "Someone else's broken arm doesn't make my finger less broken"
Uncommon Boston 4 years ago
My mother was a child during WWII, in Germany. I felt bad complaining because she had witnessed such horrors. She told me that isn't how life works. Each of our lives has a level of happiness / quality of life / living situation. An event beneath what we consider normal, feels awful --- regardless of what we consider normal. In a cancer support group, the woman whose cancer and treatment were mildest had by far the worst experience. Severe trauma none of the rest of us felt. This beyond her coping ability. She had created a safe, warm way of life. The cancer shattered her world in a way the rest of us didn't understand. My mother said her happiest childhood moments happened during the war. It is all relative.
Roadkill The Brave 4 years ago
This right here is why I don't like talking about my past. Everyone starts thinking their trauma isn't valid because of how bad my childhood was. You're trauma and mind aren't comparable in any way. You're hurt, I was hurt, that's all that matters. Everyone's trauma is valid.
Raven DeathShade 4 years ago (edited)
My mother had a really bad childhood that she brought up a lot when I first started talking to her about how horribly traumatic my childhood was. It made me feel really guilty about it, since how could I compare to that? I mostly just keep to myself now. It's not worth it.
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Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
THis. It's one fo the hardest parts of trauma recovery in the US, at least, b/c we're taught to be glad we're not worse off. That's true, we're not, but that still doesn't mean it didn't suck.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
Putting things into perspective might not help with acute problems; it’s still a valuable ability to be able to discern differences objectively. Acknowledging that somebody else’s problems are life shattering while my own aren’t - however terrible they might feel for me - is an important part of personal growth. Being mindful and compassionate with oneself is healthy. Being a self centered whiner isn’t.
Maria Schneider 4 years ago
Nice but not a really good statement. Should have asked where the idea came from, and it's meaning
RELATED:
#2
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
My daughter and I went through this. I have multiple chronic pain disorders, and she felt bad expressing physical pain she was experiencing. I assured her that her pain was real, and she had every right to talk about it. My chronic pain doesn't mean everyone else in the world is pain-free. Also, after 22 years, I have developed a huge toolbox of things that help me tolerate chronic pain...but acute pain is still intolerable to me.
Rens 4 years ago
Same here, I have Fibromyalgia and CFS/ME. I said the same thing to my friend when she felt bad about expressing her physical pain: My chronic pain doesn't invalidate what she's experiencing.
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Julie C Rose 4 years ago
I appreciate this. I’m often wary of people who have been through serious stuff because the “you didn’t have it as bad as me” rhetoric results in a one-sided thing where they get to be supported but I don’t, and I’m not OK enough to go anywhere near that kind of relationship.
#3
Teresa Thomas 4 years ago
My counselor tells me that a lot. Its incredibly frustrating when I can often literally wake up in the morning feeling anger (I have a bipolar disorder.) Hard to pinpoint what has made me angry overnight 🤔
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
When we are asleep the subconscious mind is less hidden - as in dreams - so the anger you wake up with is not from the present but from unresolved issues in the past.
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Joe Berger 4 years ago
Do this with yourself too. When you get angry, take a moment and ask yourself where am I hurting ? and just validate that. It helps you just to pinpoint where its coming from.
Kallie Wilbourn 4 years ago (edited)
They have to be the ones who do that. My anger is my responsibility.
Rissie 4 years ago
I would call it the anger primary. Not in the sense that it is what is felt first as it is what we fall back on. Fight or flight. But something triggered it. And it's always fear. Just ask yourself why that person is fearful. Most likely it's not about you to begin with. Unless you did something that justifies fear and anger to begin with.
"Therapy is a confidential and private space where you can get help from a professional with anything that bothers you, from your work problems, relationship issues, or other psychological problems such as post-trauma stress, depression, and anxiety," therapist Silva outlined to Bored Panda what the essence of therapy is.
"Those things are actually very common and many people struggle with these things, it doesn't mean they're crazy. Seeing a therapist when you have emotional struggles should be as normal as seeing your doctor when you have a physical problem. But at the moment, our society hasn't normalized therapy yet. It is changing with famous people talking about the benefits of therapy such as Lady Gaga and Prince Harry."
#4
Uncommon Boston 4 years ago (edited)
Too true. My first husband was physically abusive. Took me years to figure out why I choose him -- he was what felt normal. Hearing about the physical abuse my father witnessed; his grandmother hitting his mother, which was considered normal helped me understand why he did the same. I decided the buck stopped here. I would not raise a child in that environment. We never called him stupid or saw him as failure, instead we showed him what he did right and discussed what to do better next time. No shame or guilt. He decided what to focus on, we were advisors. He was able to share his victories and problems. As an adult he would face the same type of challenges, do we teach him how to face these difficulties or drown in them? Malicious behavior had consequences. He drew on the kitchen floor with a permanent marker, he was in preschool and knew better. Calmly without judgement or anger, he was given a toothbrush and mild cleanser. Someone had to clean it up. He gave us an evil smile, then got to work. We actively choose not to act in anger. Not to punish mistakes, only intentional acts he knew were wrong. Live was easier for all of us.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
And it can be both. You never want anyone to feel bad, but your own pain has no safe outlet, especially as a kid... You just can't express it.
Rens 4 years ago
I love this and live by the first choice. I grew up in an abusive household; my stepfather was a thug and a bully. I chose to never raise my hand to my daughter; instead I made her aware of consequences; sometimes I asked her to decide what would be a fitting restitution (I hate the word punishment). I'm very proud to see the person she has grown up to be, especially because her father and I split up when she was 11.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
That's where a lot of bullying stems from. They want others to feel bad like they do. Where as me, I may dislike the people who bullied me but I wouldn't wish them suffering.
Winter Eleven 4 years ago (edited)
The school system of my country messed me up so i want to destroy it because I'm not the only one suffering from trauma. A young boy recently ended his life in 5th grade because nobody saw he was terribly depressed because mental illness isn't something they acknowledge.
Julie C Rose 4 years ago
3. I don’t want it to happen to other people but I’m also wary of people who don’t want me to grieve about the fact that today’s generation of people who went through the thing are receiving care that I was told I didn’t deserve.
#5
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
It's true. My therapist told me "You're extremely depressed", which took me by surprise because I didn't *think* I was sad. Instead, I just felt angry all the time. Which I now know was a defence mechanism.
Miss Cris 4 years ago (edited)
Sometimes it's the opposite! People that don't allow themselves to be sad, get angry.
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Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Anger is complicated. It is born of fear ----- of loss, of pain, etc. ---- and so until you deal with the root emotion? The anger remains. Work on expressing anger in safe ways first (run, draw, whatever) and let yourself cry for why you're angry in the first place. It's okay to cry. It's healing to cry. I myself found screaming into pillows to be very useful at first, then I *could* cry. It sounds cliche, but it does work. Just.... find why you're angry. list the reason(s). Write what you wish would be. Doesn't matter if it's unrealistic. It's not a goal. It's just learning to express without going to the anger. I hope that made sense.
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Kim Kermes 4 years ago
Yes. Anger feels more powerful than hurt, and too much of the world treats us as weak for feeling hurt.
Kallie Wilbourn 4 years ago
Depends. If it's constant luggage, yes. If it's a reaction to being treated unfairly, that's healthy so long as you work it out and don't add it to your luggage.
Yara Balabanova 4 years ago
It's annoying. My BF always ask me if I'm angry again, when really, I'm just sad
Bumble 4 years ago
Personally I can't stand angry people and refuse to be around them. I don't care if they are actually really unhappy. Sorry if that makes me sound heartless but I just don't care!
ProfessionalTimeWaster 4 years ago
Everyone is angry at some point Bumble...being angry forces others to treat you the way you want to be treated. However, rage is the problem, where anger doesn't lead to action and conflict resolution, but rather belittling, scaring someone, mindless banter of abuse and always seems disproportionate to the situation. Such people have other mental health problems to deal with....but really not your problem :-))
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#6
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
My therapist found it very telling that I was afraid to spend time with myself - even when alone, I always made sure I had some sort of distraction because otherwise I would start to think about things I was trying to avoid thinking about. Ugly, miserable things.
Uncommon Boston 4 years ago (edited)
It may need to be an active decision. What is my goal? How do I get there? Seeing people who suffer when alone, motivated me to find ways to be happy and alone.
Load More Replies... Linda Williams 4 years ago
Be your own best friend is the best advice I ever got. And it is so true.
Winter Eleven 4 years ago
Why can't people understand someone would rather spend time alone then go out?
Lululoohoo 4 years ago
I love and crave spending time by myself!!! Married 11 years + mama to 2 crazy rambunctious boys (3 if you count hubs) so I looooove anytime I can get to myself!
Psychotherapist Silva, from the UK, told me earlier all about the insecurities we face and how they can make some people behave in wildly different ways, some of which are harmful to others. In an earlier interview, he said that self-compassion can help someone who is insecure and who has an ‘I’m not enough’ mentality become someone who’s secure and knows in their heart: ‘I’m enough.’
How insecurity manifests itself depends on the person in question. Two insecure people can behave and express this lack of confidence in themselves very differently.
#7
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
Looking for perfection in this world is a losing quest. Perfection - the 'all good' - is found in your quiet inner self.
#8
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
This is a major theme in BoJack Horseman. In fact in one episode BoJack apologises to a guy he once screwed over, and is completely taken aback when the guy says "Okay, but I don't forgive you. You have to live with the shitty thing you did, and you need to know that it's never EVER going to be okay. Now get the f**k out of my house." And indeed they never do reconcile, because some things just aren't forgivable even if you do apologise.
Furious George 4 years ago
Incidentally, as ridiculous as it seems,, BoJack is the most accurate representation of addiction that has ever been made. Most people are going to say some form of "I'm just glad you're doing better, I forgive you". Some people are going to tell you that there is no action or amount of time that will make it right. It's a hard, but necessary, pill to swallow.
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AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
I love a quote by Tupac that said something to the effect of "Just because you wronged me doesn't mean I don't want you to eat, you just won't sit at my table" I love that so much
Lucky2BAlive 4 years ago
You may never truly realize how much I NEEDED to read this. I know that I am not the person I was. I made some horrible mistakes. I’ve tried so hard to gain some people’s trust and acceptance. I will always love my family and be there for them, but I have to accept they simply will never do the same. Maybe I am supposed to carry that hurt to keep me from making more mistakes.
M Calad 4 years ago (edited)
You are not alone. Many of us have done stupid or horrible mistakes to others that we deeply regret. Maybe, one day in many years the damage will be healed and we will be forgiven (I don't lose hope). Maybe we will never be. Either case we need to learn to let go and continue in spite of the consequences. We are sorry and we did what we could to amend things. Fortunately, we learned from our mistakes. This also helped me to see people who have wronged differently. I have much more compassion and forgiveness now because I was and am there where they are. I don't want that my emotions make another human being prisoner. Hug to you.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Unfortunately, yes, this is true. You can apologize, make compensation, but.... forgiveness is the choice of the offended person, and they have to come to it for themselves, not for the sake of the offender.
Parmeisan 4 years ago (edited)
This is a sad truth I've had to accept recently about the history of my country. As more and more bodies of Indigenous children are uncovered and we learn the *full* extent of the suffering they endured under the government of Canada's residential school program (the last of which did not close until the 90's), the rest of us must accept that it simply isn't possible to fix it, we cannot take away the pain that they endured, they (as a society or as individuals) do not owe us forgiveness. We can only do better & work on resolving the issues we still have. :(
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Keep in mind, though, that atonement basically means doing something good to make up for the bad you already did. The good you do doesn't necessarily have to be specific to the person you hurt; sometimes, that's not possible. Do the good for someone else. Trust me on this; you'll begin to feel better about the bad you did. Everyone deserves a redemption arc. And everyone makes mistakes that can't be corrected.
Kim Kermes 4 years ago
On the other hand, we don't owe anyone forgiveness. We can put things behind us without making someone feel better about themselves.
Xan Maranya 4 years ago (edited)
"Sometimes you don't deserve closure." No. Everyone deserves to learn how to let go of the past... which forgiving actually is. The alternative is to drag the past along with you into your present life and future. This is what un-forgiving is.
Anne Mitchell 4 years ago
Also it may not be necessary to apologise to make yourself feel better when/if it hurts the other person. Sometimes not apologising is the punishment for the deed that the person offended against does not need to know or help carry.
#9
Agnes Jekyll 4 years ago
OMG--so true. We're not children anymore. We did what we had to as children to survive. We don't have to repeat the same stories and behaviours.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Then, as adults, we have to forgive our child-selves for what we did to survive. It wasn't always pretty. Been there, lived that, never even got a dang t-shirt.
Load More Replies... Candia Lee 4 years ago
Scrolled down after posting, thought "wow, someone else thinks like I do" *facepalm*
Load More Replies... “Insecurity can manifest either by making themselves invisible (If I'm not seen, nobody will notice my flaws), or the opposite, by what we call 'bragging': shouting at everybody about how wonderful they are. This is usually to try to persuade to themselves that they are good enough,” therapist Silva explained to Bored Panda earlier.
Unfortunately, some people choose to express their insecurity by putting others down to make themselves appear better.
"Another way to counter the 'I'm not enough' is by pushing others down, sabotaging other people's success, or attacking people as a way to feel powerful so that they can control their inner pain of 'I'm not enough'. All of these strategies don't work because what they do is either internalizing or externalizing the belief 'I'm not enough' rather than changing it," the expert told Bored Panda that we must change this behavior instead of finding ways to cope that can lead to some lashing out at the people around us.
#10
M Calad 4 years ago
I always say this to people. There are no bad decisions, just different risks and consequences. You took a decision based on what was less risky considering that current situation you were at. However, sometimes some risks and consequences are totally impossible to foresee.
Elizabeth Hendrick 4 years ago
if I'm on a path of growth - when I know better, I do better...
Fester Sixonesixonethree 4 years ago
As my grandmother said when she approached her 100th birthday, "You make your decisions and you live with the consequences. Think before you act."
Neil Bidle 4 years ago
Learn from mistakes, don't spend your life dwelling on them. The world at the moment needs to do more of this.
DelvianBlue 4 years ago
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I imagine this could be applied to some of the vaccine deniers too. Some of them get sick or see family members die, and then realize they were wrong and go out and get the vaccine. It's good to see they learned, even if the lesson was a hard one. People shouldn't shame them for making a decision even they now agree is wrong, but celebrate that they finally figured it out. There are plenty of others who never have.
#11
The Frenchiest Fry 4 years ago
I have to say, not all parents tried their best. At least not at parenting. My mother tried her best to make us seem like a happy, functional family from the outside but didn't do much to make it that way on the inside.
Furious George 4 years ago
I think the point is that people don't become parents with the intention of harming their children. Even monstrous parents (and there are many) are suffering from their own mental illness or trauma. This is about the suffering child being able to forgive for their own benefit, so that they can move forward, not for the terrible parents. Even children coming from sexually abusive households need to be able to reconcile their past. Forgiving is for moving on, and should not be taken as a sign of reconciliation. You can, and should, be able to both forgive and never talk to that person again.
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StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
Disagree. Not all parents do their best. Some parents just did what they felt like doing. Some parents just didn't care or even think about how they made their child feel. For example: If your "best" is hitting children, then you have a damned low bar for your "best". It's more healing to see things for how they were than to make excuses for abusive parents. Your parents did not do their best, it wasn't your fault, and you deserved much better than you got.
Sky Render 4 years ago
True for my mom, definitely NOT true for my dad. That beast thrilled in seeing what he could get away with in abusing his children, and his wife. He took sick pleasure in traumatizing all of us.
Bumble 4 years ago
I agree. Some parent's behaviour are not a result of trauma and not everyone 'did their best'. We need to stop making excuses for some people.
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Not Proud British 4 years ago
Actually some parents like the idea of being a parent and as The Frenchiest Fry says, they like the attention that brings them. But they don't try their best at being a parent. They try their best to put themselves first, over and above anyone else - including their own children.
Purple tiger 4 years ago
Certainly not my parent who beat me to a pulp for 19 years. That was clearly a choice.
Otter 4 years ago
Forgiveness is more complicated than that... this sort of realization can help you let go of the resentment and/or hatred, but as far as building new trust and repairing a relationship? No.
ProfessionalTimeWaster 4 years ago (edited)
I think to repair and build a new relationship....you first have to start with yourself....changing the way you react to things, changing what you think you deserve in life, learning to rely on yourself to help yourself before others can. Learning that no matter how intimate a relationship, only your opinion about you matters. You cannot trust that no one will ever hurt you again, but you can rely on yourself to better handle it resiliently and pull yourself up.
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Heather Resatz 4 years ago
Actually my own father admitted to me, when I was in my 20's, that he knew all of the horrible sick s**t he did to me when I was a child was going to 'f**k me up forever' .. and he did it all anyway. Some assholes don't deserve to be called parents.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I'd rather say "parents don't think of consequences of their behavior on their children". That's th eonly way I can even think of mmy dad without gritting my teeth.
Masen Silas 4 years ago
Someti es... my mom DEFINITELY planned out half the crap she did to me and my siblings
#12
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
But what if you believe your first thought, wouldn't the second thought be a lie.
AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
Yes and no.... they say that if you start saying positive things to yourself every day it starts that way but over time your brain literally re wires to believe it. I tell the people I council at work "it takes 28 days to form a habit, so if it takes 28 days to form it, how many to break it?....Spoiler alert: 28 at the least." but it has to be done EVERY DAY. I tell them, you didn't start out as drug addicts, you weren't addicted after the first hit. (mostly) It took time and you had to develop the habit.
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Theoretical Empiricist 4 years ago
I think a better second thought would be, "OK, so what do I do about that?"
KatHat 4 years ago
This is particularly powerful if you find first thoughts to be racist, sexist, etc and you're working really hard to not be those things. Upbringing and habits are powerful so our first thoughts are often not our best or what we really want to think. Allowing that second, conscious thought to be the one we act on and internalize is powerful. NOTE: I'm not saying "oh, it's perfectly fine if your first thought is kinda racist"; keep working against it, just know that it doesn't have to be where you stop.
Arhama Waqas 2 years ago
This isn't a great example. It's easier to understand the concept this way: your first thought is "she looks fat in that dress", then you catch yourself and you think "no she looks gorgeous and I look gorgeous and everyone is beautiful" ( because that's usually how I think lol). Your first thought shows what you were conditioned to think (if you grew up being body shamed or seeing people body Shane other people, for example) while your second thought represents who you really are on the inside. I really hope this helps <3
Tami 4 years ago
Not sure I agree. If you're not responsible for your first thought, who is? Wouldn't it be better to do some introspection and find out where those thoughts are coming from?
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
Indeed. Most of our thoughts are programmed from past experiences. Programming can be changed.
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Zophra 4 years ago
I dunno.. sometimes you do need to be critical of yourself. How about just be fair without extremes of awful and great.
Xan Maranya 4 years ago (edited)
Rather than critical I think we need to develop self awareness and self honesty. Then we can more clear about how we want to go ahead, and what we need to let go of for that to happen.
Load More Replies... Em 4 years ago
This is very bad advice, which is most of the time seem as good, and that is exactly why it is so damaging.
that one Harry Potter girl 4 years ago
I mean this genuinely and with no hate; how is it bad advice?
Load More Replies..."The key to becoming more secure is to change the underlying belief 'I'm not enough' to 'I'm enough,'" he said that self-compassion is the way to do this.
"Perhaps parents didn't praise children enough, or they paid more attention to the mistakes rather than the successes. As an adult now, people can give themselves a hug once in a while and tell themselves, gently: 'you're doing good,' 'well done,' 'congratulations.' Eventually, the brain will listen and slowly change the message 'I'm not enough' to 'I'm enough,'" the expert said.
#13
Fester Sixonesixonethree 4 years ago
Coming out of a clinical depression I found it very helpful to strive every day to deliberately find one beautiful thing in my everyday environment. A flower, a building, a cloud, someone's clothes, anything. And after a while it became habit. And life got brighter because of that habit. Probably seems facetious, but it really helped me.
ProfessionalTimeWaster 4 years ago
I agree Fester. If one constantly focuses on negative, their brain focuses on managing survival and be on edge with fight/flight mode....but if one focuses more on positive, their brain focuses on curiosity, playing and exploration. Therapy focuses way too much on talking about bad past (without gaining much perspective) and very little on overall well-being - physical, emotional and social.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
"Intentional joy" is better phrased, for me and many others in my PTSD group, as "building contentment". Joy is a thrill; contentment is a foundation.
Mazer 4 years ago
This “happiness” thing just pisses me off to no end. If you happen to be in perfect health, with perfect wealth, surrounded by a good support system then you are set up to be happier. I can be as intentional about “bringing joy” into my life but if I can not afford anything but to pay bills, can’t gain access to effective medical care, and am in a system which embraces poverty while at the same time condemns it. Bringing joy isn’t going to happen anytime soon
Elin Noller 4 years ago
But joy do NOT require wealth. And having an easy life does not bring joy either. You can be healthy, rich and successful and still have zero joy. Having a plant and caring for it and watching it grow and taking joy from that requires neither health or wealth. Or whatever joy means to you. Hanging out with someone you really like and enjoying their company. Fostering a homeless dog. Upcycling trash into treasure.
Load More Replies... Uncommon Boston 4 years ago (edited)
Honestly, based on the challenges I faced, this is the absolute worse thing to say. I hear, "It was easy for me, why do you struggle? What is wrong with you?" It contributes to my sense of worthlessness and shame. Pushes me into a deeper depression, stops me from reaching out again. Insensitivity and harsh judgement contributed to my mental illness. I cannot have any kind of relationship with someone who believes this. Sounds wrong, but is true for me.
brukernavn340 4 years ago
Then you need to read the actual words. It doesn't say that.
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Elin Noller 4 years ago
Ok, so reading the comment made me realise that not everyone knows what this actually MEANS. Joy is not the same as; no longer depressed, issues gone, perfect life. Joy just means exactly that. Joy is what you ENJOY doing and what makes thing more enjoyable for you. Ppl you enjoy being with or talking to. Activities you enjoy. Thing that help boring stuff get more enjoyable. Example; I enjoy cuddling with my dog, while watching shows in bed wearing a PJ. I enjoy the cuddling, the company of my dog, I enjoy the show I'm watching. I enjoy that my PJ are both comfy and cute. I enjoy that my bed has clean and beautiful bedding and lots of fluffy comfy pillows. And I have made it that way cause I enjoy it. Changing the sheets and doing laundry is not something I enjoy, but I enjoy the result. And getting into a freshly made bed after taking a shower and putting on a clean pair of pj's is enjoyable, so if I remind myself of that it helps me find the motivation to make it happen.
Xan Maranya 4 years ago
I have discovered that joy isn't created but discovered within us. One's intention might be to let go of whatever is in their mind - painful feelings and beliefs from the past - that is hiding the joy.
lazy panda 4 years ago
My best friend, like me, has depression and anxiety. If she's having a terrible day, she takes a notebook, writes down the date and usually 4-5 positive affirmations about herself and it's greatly helped her.
#14
Dragon girl 4 years ago
I told this to my brother; when you turned 18 YOU are responsible for your own happiness and how you live. It's not mom, the courts, the cops, your boss, etc. fault for your current situation or the reason you feel life is treating you bad. You are the conductor of your own life.
Mazer 4 years ago
Some people just do not possess the tools to choose a more positive, more effective way of being and of communicating, expecting this is unfair. Helping people obtain the tools they need to help navigating the world is key. Holding them accountable is fine, expecting a better outcome isn’t going to happen until they are comfortable using the new tools they have.
Daphne Williams 4 years ago
You can have compassion for someone without taking responsibly for their behavior.
Aileen Grist 4 years ago
Yes, I agree - my brother who is 69 still says that I ruined his life by being born - I'm 2 years younger than him
#15
Falcon 4 years ago
That's a good point. I've also heard the saying "Everybody is the hero in their own minds."
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Not only are they not making a cameo in your movie, they are NOT following your script. You cannot expect them to behave/speak/act/react according to your stage directions.
Liz Gallagher 4 years ago
"Sometimes, it's not all about you and sometimes, it's not even about you"
Natalie Kudryashova 4 years ago (edited)
In fact, very very little of what other people do and say is about you.
Otter 4 years ago
That's one of the hardest things to learn, but once you do... it makes it SO easy to let go of insecurities! So what if you're awkward or have a spare tire or whatever, most people aren't judging you, they're totally ignoring you, because they've got their own concerns.
Load More Replies... Agnes Jekyll 4 years ago
I only recently realized this was high school. Everyone was so caught up in their own insecurity.
Vicki Thill 4 years ago
I was a kid in grade school and a group of girls were looking at me and talking, so I said to my dad, "I think those girls are talking about me." and my dad turned me to face him and said, "If you knew how seldom people even thought about you, you'd be devastated." However cruel it sounded, it made so much sense to me. Now, you could be pointing at me and whispering and I'd just look behind me to see what's important enough to get your attention. I know it's not me, because I'm just her doing my thing.
"Rather than shouting your praise at other people, it is about speaking to yourself in a loving way. When people are genuinely aware of their successes, they can become genuinely more confident without the need to impose their power onto others."
#16
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Relentlessly dwelling on the bad is not good for you. Give yourself a break.
Lord Mysticlaw 4 years ago
I once said this to a friend who was SO kind and compassionate toward other but SO hard on herself. It blew her mind.
#17
Sky Render 4 years ago
Luckily I twigged onto that a long time ago! My SO reminds me greatly of my mother, easily the kindest and most supportive person in my entire life. Except my SO's even kinder and more supportive!
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
My decision at 15 was to never ever date anyone like my dad. EVER. B/c my older sister kept doing it, and it was not successful for her. So I wound up with a great guy, who is much more like my *mom*!
Remi Flynne 4 years ago
Same here. As far from my father as possible. My sisters all married 'dad-alikes' and it's brought them nothing but misery. We can look at our childhood and make different choices.
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Arctic Fox Lover 4 years ago
A lot of people say that girls tend to like men who are similar to their fathers. But that's absolutely not true for me. I don't know too many guys like him, but I don't really like those that I do.
vogonpoet 4 years ago
Might be the exception to the rule in my case. My SO reminds me of no-one in my family. He's the anti-thesis of my family.
May 4 years ago
My sister is an exception too. My BIL is nothing like anyone in our family. I'm aromantic, so I just completely opted out of the whole system
Load More Replies... Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
My aunt married a guy who looks a bit like my Dad, which isn't surprising because she told me when they were kids Dad was always there for her. So therefore a guy who looks like him makes her feel safe.
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
I am mildly confused by this. I tend to be attracted to people who make me feel safe. Not many people in my life have consistently made me feel actually safe and being treated right and feeling safe can sometimes feel odd to me but it is still what I am attracted to, if that makes any sense. Can someone explain?
Eve-Marie Hughes 4 years ago
I kept marrying/dating men who were this sick combination of my dad, mom, and sibling who molested me. Really f****d me up. Then I met my now-husband and 28 years later, I am happy and safe and know I was lucky enough to meet and marry someone just like my Gramps.
MelFunction 4 years ago
Every man I've dated has reminded me in some way of my father. Generous, kind, funny, loves animals, protective. Thanks Dad. You set an excellent example.
#18
AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
This..... I had to cut out a person that was very special in my life because I grew and she didn't and out of her jealousy and spite she did some very heinous things to me and my family...well she tried. It didn't work. Sad, because she was never that person, or I was just too broken to see it. who knows.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Misery loves company, and if it can’t find any it tries hard to create some.
Vivian Ashe 4 years ago
If you're not familiar with the term "identified patient," look it up. It can be really illuminating if you feel that people around you are hostile to your efforts to get better.
Fester Sixonesixonethree 4 years ago
People will remember how you make them **feel**. It's your actions that determine how they feel about you.
NsG 4 years ago
And we're back to that crab bucket again! Id love to broadcast this concept and message loud and clear from the rooftops.
Falcon 4 years ago
This is a 100% true. I've seen this play out with somebody who lost a lot of weight and a person next to them who, given the chance, refused. Yet the 2nd person kept making negative comments towards the first one.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
I lost a lot of weight last year (and put on some muscle too)... nary a peep from my "friends". Yet one of them lost seven whole pounds and the squee-ing echoed off the hills. It was yet another sign that I need to find other and better friends, ones who don't need scare quotes around the word.
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#19
#20
Denny Cwiek 4 years ago
Wow, I never heard it that way and I can see how true it is. Changes everything!
Load More Replies... DaVo 4 years ago
Unless you have some good friends. They'll help you hide the body.
Load More Replies... Lioness Nature 3 years ago
This one is my favorite. I may not beable to choose who my blood is but I can definitely choose who my family is. It takes a village. Anyone can obtain the title of family and they can lose it too.
Neil Bidle 4 years ago
Anyone who lives their life by one-liners from centuries ago, probably needs therapy more than the people in it
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
First, I want to affirm this sentiment: if someone is actually abusive, by all means, cut them out of your life. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb," but if the other party destroys their covenant, recognize it is destroyed. That said: don't commit to toxic people, but also don't write off people as "toxic," just because they become inconvenient. Honor your commitments, your covenants. Jesus didn't command us to love someone we read about on the internet; he commanded us to love our NEIGHBOR. Whoever God/nature/fate/destiny has made our neighbor should be our concern.
#21
Sherri Brewer 4 years ago
This explains what I'm going through so well. Since I cut ties with my toxic father, I've been sad. Not that I want him back in my life. It is a loss and it's okay to look at it as such. Also okay to grieve.
Got Myself 4 Dwarves 4 years ago
This is so very true. I ended my first marriage because he was emotionally abusive and it was exhausting, but it still hurt and took time to get over. But, because it was my decision everyone in my life seemed to think I should be happy about it and skipping around a field throwing flowers about or some s**t - it's not that simple. I wish people understood this more - I got zero support whenever i tried to talk about how I was feeling, I was just told "well it's what you wanted"
#22
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
You're only carrying it because they ladled it onto your shoulders, due to their being too chickenshit to own it themselves.
Shannon Kathleen 4 years ago
This one is difficult because abusers are masters at making their victims complicit in their own abuse by grooming them with attention, presents, shared secrets, etc. The patient abuser meets the unmet needs of their intended victim to become a most trusted person and then violates that trust in the most devastating way possible. No wonder abuse victims carry shame and struggle with intimate relationships.
#23
M Calad 4 years ago
And with practice, you will learn to set boundaries in a more assertive and diplomatic way.
My O My 4 years ago
How long will that take to learn? I've been learning for serveral years now but the diplomatic part isn't easy
Load More Replies... Mars Lander 4 years ago
Truth, setting boundaries for me and my child caused the biggest fight with immediate family since the birth of my nieces. The felt they were entitled to "raise" him how they saw fit. I'm a product of said raising and I want better for him.
#24
Uncommon Boston 4 years ago
My father told me what you think becomes what you say when you are old. He sees me as he how he did when I was a teenager. And reminds me of this often. Understanding helps, increasing the distance between us is better. How do I make sure I won't be a mean old lady..
Mazer 4 years ago
I get resentful elderly people especially in the USA. If you don’t have a big supportive family, our society norms can strip a person of their dignity in no time flat. Many elderly who gave their entire lives to making a better more comfortable life for themselves are just tossed away when they hit a certain age
Load More Replies... Uncommon Boston 4 years ago (edited)
Huh? My biological father? How would it be different if I was an a atheist.
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#25
lazy panda 4 years ago
I completely agree. Being tired to me most often means being fed up with a situation/day and feeling mentally drained and emotional. Very rarely do I mean I'm "sleepy" when I say that I'm tired.
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Everyone's looking for joy, completely missing the fact that contentment is a form of happiness...and extremely underrated.
Parmeisan 4 years ago
This is a start and looks very useful (I may print it out) but they can break down even further than this. For example, the bad kind of jealousy often stems from fear or insecurity. You're less likely to mind that your partner hangs out with their best friend who is the same gender as you, if you are secure that they love you and want to be with you. I'm sure there are many similar examples of emotions that feed into other emotions; some of them have even been mentioned in this thread. :)
#26
LeilaOdinis 4 years ago
When I get these thoughts. I acknowledge them being horrible. They are a great indicator if I need to either sleep or have a snack.
#27
Deborah B 4 years ago
I think it means don't make everything about you. If they tell you about something horrible that happened to them, your response should be about what they went through, and how they felt/feel. Not about you "That makes me so sad" = "why do you tell me this and make me sad". Instead, "You must have been so sad, how did you cope?"
Load More Replies... #28
#29
Elin Noller 4 years ago
This. We tend to focus on the things we "fail" at, and ignore the successes. We beat ourselves up over the kitchen being a mess and not having the strenght to deal with it and ignore the things we DID manage to do. We look at that blanket we knitted that look like s**t/ job interview we crashed and burned/ the new recipe we tried out that turned out bad and we feel like a failure, instead of looking at it as learning. We should in general have the same attitude as when we are gaming. If you die/fail in-game you learn from in and try again. It is all practice. Keep knitting and your blankets will turn out better and better.
#30
AzKhaleesi 4 years ago
I hope this therapist is out of a job.... I married one parent twice and NEVER became the other parent. She abandoned me as a child and tried to kill me. Literally. I never abandoned my children and definitely never tried to kill them. I was determined to break the cycle and I did.
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Disagree. I've consciously done everything possible to NOT become either of my parents. My approach to nearly everything differs from theirs. Examples: They were overly controlling parents; I recognized that I didn't have to control everything, just the things that kept my daughter physically and emotionally safe and secure. They overreacted to even the tiniest negative event; I do my best to keep a sense of perspective. Not that my parents were "bad parents," but they were far from perfect and, unfortunately, taught us their maladaptive coping skills; we had to unlearn them and learn healthy coping.
Craig Reynolds 4 years ago
"You've "consciously done everything possible to NOT become either of your parents" You are actually validating the therapist in that you admit you have to work at not becoming one of them. For those that don't do as you do/did, it can be true. My father was an asshole 99% of the time and try as I might, I am 70% him. My mom was a selfless caring angel and that is my second wife...
Load More Replies... Fester Sixonesixonethree 4 years ago
Wow... I really do believe my dead father (I was 10) and my narcissistic mother, and my cruel brothers are the reasons I can't develop serious relationships. I can't trust anyone.
Aileen Grist 4 years ago
I did that with my first marriage. I realised it after 10 years and left. Afterwards I married a man that my parents didn't understand - and didn't understand how we could be happy together.
#31
Furious George 4 years ago
This is huge. Everyone needs to lose the notion that the people around them can read their mind.
Debra Timah 4 years ago
I figured that out in my head when I was a kid. The problem is, that when you do let people around you know your needs, and they don't respond in a positive or constructive or helpful or supportive way, it cuts deeper.
#33
#34
Denny Cwiek 4 years ago
Someone famous remarked that people don't think about you nearly as much as you may think. That stupid comment you made that you've been beating yourself up over has probably been long forgotten by the person you said it to, etc.
#35
#37
CHRIS DOMRES 4 years ago
My wife and I went through counseling to decide whether or mot to have kids. The therapist had me do the same list of pros & cons. The pro side was much longer. So after 25 years of parenting I now realize it is no how many things are on the pro or con side, it is the weight of each thing that matters. With parenting, the list of good things was large in number, but my experience was that the few cons took up much more time and energy to deal with. One hour of joy costs many hours or work, worry, frustration, responsibility, and expense.
#38
Denny Cwiek 4 years ago
Wow, I need this change of language. I can see though that it will be hard to change such an automatic reaction as I'm sorry to thank you!
#39
Susan Stead 4 years ago
Forgive? If it makes you feel better, sure, it good to work on that. Forget? No. Always learn the lesson from your experience and adjust your actions/expectations accordingly.
Vivian Ashe 4 years ago
I sometimes find the word "forgive" unhelpful because it implies you're going to just put the hurt aside and go back to the relationship. You can make your peace with something that happened and let go of the anger over it, but that doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life.
Laura Osborne 4 years ago
I was once told that a fool forgives and forgets, an idiot forgets but doesn't forgive but a wise man forgives but doesn't forget.
Daniel Marsh 4 years ago
You need to confront the people you wrong about having wronged you. Forgiveness changes hearts, but how can it change a heart if the other person doesn't even know you're forgiving them? How can anyone repent?
Dave van Es 4 years ago
Sometimes you have to forgive people. Not because they deserve it, but because you do
#40
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
If your coping skills are coloring or listening to music, color and listen to music to destress on a normal day so that it’s an automatic thing to go to when bigger things arise. If your coping skills are ripping up paper or writing in a journal, tear things up when you’re bored, or write mundane things in your journal when nothing is going on. Turn your coping skills into a habit so that when bad things do occur, you automatically go to them rather than relapsing into unhealthy coping methods
Load More Replies... #41
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
This has gotten me fired from many jobs in the past (NO, I will NOT be on call 24/7 for my minimum-wage job), but I don't regret it. It's been sounding like the tide is turning on this matter, and I hope for the sake of future workers that it keeps going!
Al Jameson 4 years ago
I understand the point being made, but this is a sure-fire way to stay in a $10/hour job forever.
Mazer 4 years ago
Unfortunately many businesses will can your ass in a heartbeat if you just try to take care of yourself
Question everything 4 years ago
If enough people did it, the businesses would have to adapt. No business can afford a constant staff turnover. The would adapt or sink.
Load More Replies... #42
Mazer 4 years ago
I find this is unrealistic for a lot of people who have emotional issues that are due to being chemically imbalanced. There is no way to force happiness into a life. To do so or to hold oneself accountable because they have no been able to achieve this is unrealistic. Too many people experience overwhelmingly daily issues which a Hallmark moment won’t transcend
#45
Deanna Crichley 4 years ago
For me, it's when I notice my shoulders are sore, because I've had them up by my ears for hours. Maybe days.
Little king trash mouth 4 years ago
Mine is when I realize my teeth have been clenched. Happens several times a day without me realizing
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Matheus Oliveira 4 years ago
Oh, that’s a big one. I learned that a few years ago when my chant professor noticed how high my shoulders were - and that was on the first week we met. Her exercises and mindful notes for the times she saw I was down still keep helping me years after I moved to another city. Sometimes we just get so involved with stressful thoughts and situations that we can’t even control ourselves. Can’t upvote this enough.
Georgia Hebert 4 years ago
Stress: the feeling you get when your mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shat out of some arsehole who desperately needs it.
#46
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
In the midst of a panic attack, it wouldn't be possible for me to even remember this tip. And in the midst of my brain fervently believing that something is horribly wrong and I'm about to die, you think I have the wherewithal to get up, walk to the kitchen, and fill a large bowl with cold water and ice?
LeilaOdinis 4 years ago
Showers are also just as beneficial. Some nights when it's too much to bear, I have a shower. The water and that tiny amount of self care makes a world of difference.
aj 4 years ago
I wish the ice pack idea worked on the go. The anxiety symptom I struggle with most is overwhelming nausea and I have emetophobia (fear of throwing up basically) so when I get nauseous I get even more anxious bc I might need to throw up which then makes me more nauseous and so on.. I'm basically locked in my flat and never go out during especially bad phases
Kristin Ingersoll 4 years ago
Not sure where you live, but there are ice packs that can travel with you. The "cold" is activated when you pop the bag, and lasts for a little while. It could be an option for you?
Load More Replies... #47
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#50
Dave van Es 4 years ago
Won't always help. You'll try to prove your theory, instead of trying to disprove it
Dina Simoné 4 years ago
Thats a bit tricky. As an example: Its really easy to count all your failures in life as a fact check that you are a loser.
Debra Timah 4 years ago
When I couldn't seem to make headway with tamping down the negative self-talk, Zoloft helped with that.
#52
Becky Samuel 4 years ago
You seem to think that it is desirable to rebuild trust. Unless the other person has done the work on themselves then building trust is a daft idea.
Load More Replies... Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
While they may have to believe they did their best, they also need to know where they made mistakes. You don't learn unless you recognize your own mistakes.
#53
Aksa 4 years ago
By action. For example by cleaning, running, painting, puzzling, playing games... realy whatever
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#54
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Toxic positivity at its best, for both mental and physical health issues. I have a number of medical issues that are currently incurable. They can't be fixed. I may not see a cure in my lifetime. Believing that these things could be cured would engender false hope and crushing disappointment. It's healthier to admit that it can't be fixed, therefore it has to be medically treated...and accepted as reality.
Moe Lewis 4 years ago
It depends on your definition of ‘fixed’, I think. Can everything be made perfect, completely repaired, back to how it was? No, of course not. Can things be made workable, functional, even happy? Of course. It all depends on you and how you adapt.
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SirPatTheCat 4 years ago
I guess it works if your problems actually can be fixed, but otherwise eehh i
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago (edited)
NO. One of the hardest things I've had to learn is that some things cannot be healed or undone, no matter how much energy or time or thinking I throw at it. This is a form of toxic positivity, and can delay healing for many years while you berate yourself for not being "able" to "fix" every damn thing in your life.
Lucky2BAlive 4 years ago
Your dad is a well of information, as is your mom. Sometimes it good to dip the bucket in.
#56
#59
#60
June 4 years ago
The todolist works well for me, but it needs some rules: that's not necessarily a "todotoday list"; split things in smaller things (each chore instead of "chores"); write every little thing you do that is hard for you (if "get out of bed" is a thing, write it. if "shower" is a thing, write it) even after you have done it. You can even write the dates and what you did this day. Even if it's few, that's still an achievement, and you can focus on what you did instead of what you didn't, and you can be proud. The only thing you did is wake up? Be proud, it's something. Some days you did nothing? So what? Look at all the things you already did lately!
#63
Little king trash mouth 4 years ago
After a family crisis, a therapist once told me "cut corners where you can. Now is the time to use paper plates. Order take out if you need" etc. essentially saying to alleviate unnecessary stress. When s**t sucks, even the prospect of feeding yourself and your family and loading the dishwasher is stress-inducing.
#65
#67
Georgia Hebert 4 years ago
I agree that you have to be brave, but it sure didn't make me love myself.
#68
Dina Simoné 4 years ago
My father thinks he is an expert on marriage because he was married four times.
#70
#72
Furious George 4 years ago
The how feels really hokey, but positive affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say I love you. Talk like Stuart Smalley if you have to. Laugh if it feels ridiculous (and do it anyway). Change the narrative/mantra. I lived for decades with a constant mantra of negativity underpinning every thought. I'd be lying if I said it's fixed completely, but it's a hell of a lot better now.
Load More Replies... Elizabeth Hendrick 4 years ago
Those mean voices inside my head were all outside voices at one time - didn't come up with them on my own.
#73
Al Jameson 4 years ago
If you expect one relationship to meet all your needs, you're gonna have a bad time.
#77
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Because they wrongly believe that putting others down will raise their own self-esteem, and that's not how it works.
#78
#81
#85
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Lucky2BAlive 4 years ago
Some of these I really needed to hear. I get dumped on all the time. I usually have to say to others, please be mindful, **** rolls down hill and I am at the bottom. I am a target for someone else’s loose arrows (my adult son, and the situation is complicated for our relationship).
Bettie-Jean Neal 4 years ago
I've been in therapy since I was 4 and I'm 50 now. The best advice I EVER received was (in regards to my narcissistic alcoholic mother, who did not raise me), "you can't change her, only how you react to her." I will never forget that.
ENEBETH PARKER 4 years ago
This post is a therapy for people like me who can't afford therapy. Atleast some people are talking about these feeling .
Zophra 4 years ago
Many of these are easier said than done- like the whole concept of just think a different way, tell yourself something and - what I'm just going to believe it?
Viviane 4 years ago
What helped me with therapy: the brain can change, as can the rest of the body. It is definitely not instant or perfect. It's similar to exercise - working out won't make me an Olympic athlete, but it can make my body stronger. So rather than think "I can cure this", I think in terms of managing my issues to reduce their impact on my life. I expect an occasional failure. What people also forget: the environment also makes a huge impact. Then the question becomes: can one change the environment? Can one reduce its impact on one's well-being? Can one leave and go elsewhere?
Load More Replies... Janet C 4 years ago (edited)
If relationships/jobs/friendships/whatever keep failing the same way again and again then the problem is you. What habits and patterns do you keep repeating that causes things to fall apart in the same way? You'll never find the right partner, that great job, or a true BFF if you keep bringing your same old self to the party. Fix yourself first.
Julie 4 years ago
The very best realization that I learned from therapy was changing rumination. If you keep hating things about yourself, and do this repeatedly, it become a cemented notion. She taught me to WRITE the opposite. Example...I am hating myself for that time when I f****d up, when I thought I was right and I was wrong. So, she told me to write down this thing I hated about myself, and write down how I would forgive others for the same mistake, easily I would...so then how I should forgive myself. If I am feeling so strongly sad and overwhelmed, then I should WRITE down another way to feel. It is remapping my brain, rewiring the pathways. She told me that emotion is not the ruler of thought, that thought is the ruler of emotion. Strong emotions are exquisite and can control our views, but we must accept that emotions are birthed in our thought. If we train, and rewire our thoughts then we can cope. I would write down things like this "I hate how stupid I am"...
Julie 4 years ago (edited)
But then write down how others would feel "Julie is not stupid" it made me understand that self hatred, and self deprecation, is a form of self pacification for no other reason then to exist into self interest. Feeling deep and clinical depression is no joke and I suffered for nearly 35 years. I still do, but I have learned that meds do not help as much as steady, and consistent, mental training...and to learn to truly love and accept my heartaches and f**k ups, they are not a big deal. When I can barely get out of bed...I am not going to fold up into this, I am going to write down and give my brain, my body and my heart another option. This is what she taught me, and having trust in your therapist is paramount. Just hearing these things is not a cure, there is no cure for depression. A person who you trust to guide you through it all, smarter and wiser is all you can hope for. It is not weak, to give trust to another who you seek for help, in fact it is balls strong.
Load More Replies...
marianne eliza 4 years ago
Now let's do one with the worst advice from a therapist. I'll start. After 2 normal visits, he decided it was time to bring out his foolproof fix for all problems. All problems are caused by refined sugar and alcohol. And you need to find your spirit mineral and wear or carry it constantly. After I pried my jaw off the floor, I decided to play along since he was one of the few covered by my insurance. But after he decided, in a group setting this time, to confront another therapist with his beliefs, I quit him, and he was let go from that med group.
Lucky2BAlive 4 years ago
Some of these I really needed to hear. I get dumped on all the time. I usually have to say to others, please be mindful, **** rolls down hill and I am at the bottom. I am a target for someone else’s loose arrows (my adult son, and the situation is complicated for our relationship).
Bettie-Jean Neal 4 years ago
I've been in therapy since I was 4 and I'm 50 now. The best advice I EVER received was (in regards to my narcissistic alcoholic mother, who did not raise me), "you can't change her, only how you react to her." I will never forget that.
ENEBETH PARKER 4 years ago
This post is a therapy for people like me who can't afford therapy. Atleast some people are talking about these feeling .
Zophra 4 years ago
Many of these are easier said than done- like the whole concept of just think a different way, tell yourself something and - what I'm just going to believe it?
Viviane 4 years ago
What helped me with therapy: the brain can change, as can the rest of the body. It is definitely not instant or perfect. It's similar to exercise - working out won't make me an Olympic athlete, but it can make my body stronger. So rather than think "I can cure this", I think in terms of managing my issues to reduce their impact on my life. I expect an occasional failure. What people also forget: the environment also makes a huge impact. Then the question becomes: can one change the environment? Can one reduce its impact on one's well-being? Can one leave and go elsewhere?
Load More Replies... Janet C 4 years ago (edited)
If relationships/jobs/friendships/whatever keep failing the same way again and again then the problem is you. What habits and patterns do you keep repeating that causes things to fall apart in the same way? You'll never find the right partner, that great job, or a true BFF if you keep bringing your same old self to the party. Fix yourself first.
Julie 4 years ago
The very best realization that I learned from therapy was changing rumination. If you keep hating things about yourself, and do this repeatedly, it become a cemented notion. She taught me to WRITE the opposite. Example...I am hating myself for that time when I f****d up, when I thought I was right and I was wrong. So, she told me to write down this thing I hated about myself, and write down how I would forgive others for the same mistake, easily I would...so then how I should forgive myself. If I am feeling so strongly sad and overwhelmed, then I should WRITE down another way to feel. It is remapping my brain, rewiring the pathways. She told me that emotion is not the ruler of thought, that thought is the ruler of emotion. Strong emotions are exquisite and can control our views, but we must accept that emotions are birthed in our thought. If we train, and rewire our thoughts then we can cope. I would write down things like this "I hate how stupid I am"...
Julie 4 years ago (edited)
But then write down how others would feel "Julie is not stupid" it made me understand that self hatred, and self deprecation, is a form of self pacification for no other reason then to exist into self interest. Feeling deep and clinical depression is no joke and I suffered for nearly 35 years. I still do, but I have learned that meds do not help as much as steady, and consistent, mental training...and to learn to truly love and accept my heartaches and f**k ups, they are not a big deal. When I can barely get out of bed...I am not going to fold up into this, I am going to write down and give my brain, my body and my heart another option. This is what she taught me, and having trust in your therapist is paramount. Just hearing these things is not a cure, there is no cure for depression. A person who you trust to guide you through it all, smarter and wiser is all you can hope for. It is not weak, to give trust to another who you seek for help, in fact it is balls strong.
Load More Replies... marianne eliza 4 years ago
Now let's do one with the worst advice from a therapist. I'll start. After 2 normal visits, he decided it was time to bring out his foolproof fix for all problems. All problems are caused by refined sugar and alcohol. And you need to find your spirit mineral and wear or carry it constantly. After I pried my jaw off the floor, I decided to play along since he was one of the few covered by my insurance. But after he decided, in a group setting this time, to confront another therapist with his beliefs, I quit him, and he was let go from that med group.
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