You gave her a kidney, maybe that's a turn on for her. You just need to turn her off, then on again, that'll reset it.

i spat out my water🤣

how many bananas is that?

Keep mentioning his height.

Brandon just got, very appropriately, dunked on

Aussie here, I think we're already doing that but not telling anyone. Not even ourselves.

This is a lot funnier than it should be.

i just slipped and fell 🤷‍♀️

I always have mixed feelings when I stump the expert. On the one hand, I feel somewhat validated that they couldn't fix it either, and yet I still want my problem solved.

My M.O.

My friend (59) and I (61) joke all the time about not remembering a word for something. My latest word was beltloop - hers was an iron.

I keep a small flock of ducks and quack at them frequently. They usually ignore me but every once in a while, all their heads snap around as if to say, "WHAT?"

Including yourself

Well, I'm technically a boomer and I'd like to annouce that I successfully managed to "tap" my card to pay for something.

I shall be known as Nomu

I feel seen.

Nah, I'll fill up on the salad instead. I love that stuff! (minus the tomatoes though- I'm allergic to raw ones)

Wait till you get a set of food containers

🤫

Toad in the hole anyone? Spotted d**k for dessert?

all the time

Well now. Huh.

what the hill!

Heaps better!!

And now the rest of the world will be simultaneously laughing at America and living in fear of the repercussions for the next four years during the destruction of our democracy.

“A cutie in the death cab is worth two in the bush.”

I don't mind splitting the bill but somehow telling the other person in advance that that's what's going to happen seems like a mood killer

how about 'math'. its a fast way to lose friends😂

The horse has landed. I repeat. The horse has landed.

Ha! Also: oh…

That damn scene of throwing the jewel overboard still annoys me.

Or vote for tax funded, free health care? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I sold my soul for $5 and got some lousy dinosaur sponges

I just said "I am new here". More versatile, never a lie, sure the customer have seen me working here before today, so no it is not my first day, but I am still learning all this stuff. No it is not my first week either. Or month. Or year. But I am still learning, see, so I am still new

And then when you turn 18 and move into an apartment with a real psychopath you realize maybe your parents were not so bad after all.

Considering what the holiday was twisted into that is an appropriate way to 'celebrate' the holiday.

I (dont) hear ya

Always get up for the 5am pee. You won't get back to sleep otherwise. Just go full zombie and don't turn on the lights and you'll be happily dreaming away in a jiffy

It's funny how some kids will think it's nothing to hold a crocodile, yet other kids will talk for an hour about how they got to use their favorite purple crayon.

That's what SHE said! 😉 BA DUM DUM! TSS!!

Noddin his head like yeah, movin his hips like yeah

The bad circle spiral towards burnout!

I went to bed after the moon landing in 69 as a child, and woke up as a woman.

No one is allowed to mention that one Christmas Song that is the worst song of all time sung by that warbling wench Mariah Carey.

Well before 2007…

my gum-gum was called Granky . . .

Prisons don't provide Gatorade. Water. That's what they give you. Which isn't enough if you're having massive diarrhea or poor intake. Because you need the sodium and glucose in Gatorade to use your sodium glucose transporters. To super speed water into the body. Had a patient die bc they only gave him water and I recommended Gatorade. Prison is an awful place to be or to work at.

What ho! My good man!

"Hey guys, I am working on a new catchprase, not sure if it quite works... Rattle me timbers? Or shiver me timbers? Which one works best?