You gave her a kidney, maybe that's a turn on for her. You just need to turn her off, then on again, that'll reset it.

i spat out my water🤣

how many bananas is that?

Keep mentioning his height.

Brandon just got, very appropriately, dunked on

Aussie here, I think we're already doing that but not telling anyone. Not even ourselves.

This is a lot funnier than it should be.

i just slipped and fell 🤷‍♀️

I always have mixed feelings when I stump the expert. On the one hand, I feel somewhat validated that they couldn't fix it either, and yet I still want my problem solved.

My M.O.

My friend (59) and I (61) joke all the time about not remembering a word for something. My latest word was beltloop - hers was an iron.

I keep a small flock of ducks and quack at them frequently. They usually ignore me but every once in a while, all their heads snap around as if to say, "WHAT?"

Including yourself

Well, I'm technically a boomer and I'd like to annouce that I successfully managed to "tap" my card to pay for something.

I shall be known as Nomu

I feel seen.

Nah, I'll fill up on the salad instead. I love that stuff! (minus the tomatoes though- I'm allergic to raw ones)

Wait till you get a set of food containers

🤫

Toad in the hole anyone? Spotted d**k for dessert?

all the time

Well now. Huh.

Heaps better!!

what the hill!

And now the rest of the world will be simultaneously laughing at America and living in fear of the repercussions for the next four years during the destruction of our democracy.

“A cutie in the death cab is worth two in the bush.”

how about 'math'. its a fast way to lose friends😂

I don't mind splitting the bill but somehow telling the other person in advance that that's what's going to happen seems like a mood killer

The horse has landed. I repeat. The horse has landed.

Ha! Also: oh…

That damn scene of throwing the jewel overboard still annoys me.

Or vote for tax funded, free health care? 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I sold my soul for $5 and got some lousy dinosaur sponges

And then when you turn 18 and move into an apartment with a real psychopath you realize maybe your parents were not so bad after all.

I just said "I am new here". More versatile, never a lie, sure the customer have seen me working here before today, so no it is not my first day, but I am still learning all this stuff. No it is not my first week either. Or month. Or year. But I am still learning, see, so I am still new

Considering what the holiday was twisted into that is an appropriate way to 'celebrate' the holiday.

I (dont) hear ya

Always get up for the 5am pee. You won't get back to sleep otherwise. Just go full zombie and don't turn on the lights and you'll be happily dreaming away in a jiffy

I keep trying to sleep when I need to pee but it comes back harder. 😔

My cat wakes me up for my 5 am pee.I pee before I feed him whether I need to or not just to get even. It doesn't seem to bother him as much as I want it to.

Yeah man you can hurt yourself too. I held it so hard one time riding a metro train because nowhere to go on the train or any stops. Held it so hard till it was painful and just started coming out involutarily. Yes completely pissed pants on the way to an upscale concert downtown. To this day I cant hold it all, that muscle checked out.

Nah, just use it as nature's alarm clock. Get up and start working. So much to do, so little time.

HA! 🤣 Overstood.

Go for the 5am pee, you'll get a couple more hours of sleep afterwards!

It's funny how some kids will think it's nothing to hold a crocodile, yet other kids will talk for an hour about how they got to use their favorite purple crayon.

Noddin his head like yeah, movin his hips like yeah

That's what SHE said! 😉 BA DUM DUM! TSS!!

The bad circle spiral towards burnout!

I went to bed after the moon landing in 69 as a child, and woke up as a woman.

No one is allowed to mention that one Christmas Song that is the worst song of all time sung by that warbling wench Mariah Carey.