Have you ever heard stories of people complaining about their partner’s family being absolutely awful people? It seems they can’t get along with anyone. They don’t wanna hang out with them or have anything to do with them. It may create unwanted tension between the family, but, hey, it’s a sure sign of how much they love their partner if they’re willing to bear it.

This is a story of a poster wondering whether they are a jerk for telling their brother–in–law (BIL) to get over a 10-year grudge at the poster’s family after they borrowed $70k of equipment from BIL, destroyed it, and never compensated him for it.

More info: Reddit

A tense relationship with your partner’s family is bound to make things difficult, especially when they won’t see eye to eye with you

Image credits: Michael Coghlan (not the actual photo)

The conflict in the story started 10 years ago, when the poster’s family borrowed some equipment from their BIL without his consent with his wife’s help

Image credits: WallabyOverall3366

While taking the equipment, the father lost control and totaled his truck and all of the equipment

Image credits: WallabyOverall3366

They used the insurance to cover medical bills and buy a new truck and never paid the BIL back, according to whom the equipment cost $70k

Image credits: WallabyOverall3366

10 years down the line BIL hasn’t let this go and when the poster heard about it, he called BIL to berate him for being greedy

Image credits: WallabyOverall3366

The call caused BIL’s wife to get upset and withdraw from going to an upcoming family gathering

In short, the story goes like this. The original poster’s (OP) sister is married to a general contractor, a general contractor being someone who oversees all parts of construction for a client, from providing services and taking care of materials to hiring subcontractors to do part of the work. 

10 years ago, OP’s brother and dad needed some heavy equipment to install a deck, and conveniently, the BIL had it. He didn’t let the family borrow it, but they talked his wife into letting them do it and did it anyway.

They totaled the equipment and used the insurance money to cover medical bills and their truck, but not the equipment, worth about $70k. 

10 years down the line, they still haven’t paid BIL back, and he never attends anything involving the family. When they heard that BIL is still upset over the money, OP called to harangue him over it, saying that he’s “an a**” for prioritizing money over family.

All of this caused the sister and her kids to withdraw from an upcoming family holiday, telling OP that calling BIL was out of line.

Doing some research, it seems that although there are many customizations that could sway the price of a skid loader, prices range from $30k to $60k, with larger and more powerful models reaching up to $100k prices. As for the dump trailer, new units range from 5 thousand to upwards of 20 thousand for large units with powerful hydraulics. So the husband’s pricing for the equipment he lost sure does seem to add up. 

Even though it may seem like the best option, there may be various reasons why the BIL doesn’t want to take legal action against the extended family. It could be out of respect for the wife, not wanting to leave their parents even worse off than they already are. Another reason could be because the wife had let the father and brother take BIL’s equipment, so she may be considered complicit in the crime and would be prosecuted as well.

Image credits: Bradley Gordon

For this article, Bored Panda contacted Linda C. Fritz, a former attorney with three decades of experience, 20 years of which have been spent as an arbitrator and mediator. Fritz has worked with hundreds of cases in many areas, from real estate and construction to personal injuries and health care.

With our current situation in mind, one of the first things that Linda mentions is that “if the event occurred ten years ago, there are likely statute of limitation considerations.” In the BIL’s case, legal counsel should advise before any litigation or legal action.

Working with limited information, Linda says this could be classified as a civil action (the tort of conversion) or a criminal action – theft. “Given the value of such equipment – probably grand theft!” Linda continues.

Nevertheless, legal action would likely be futile, with the amount of time that has passed. A district attorney would be reluctant to prosecute, while a civil litigator would have the already mentioned statute of limitation problems. Therefore, to the dismay of many commenters, the BIL likely wouldn’t be able to get compensation for what was taken from him.

Not all hope is lost at this point. Linda suggests that there may be a way to solve this issue or at least slightly alleviate the strain on their relationship: “A family mediation, however, could be helpful under this scenario.” It’s difficult to tell whether the passage of time would be important in a mediation of this type.

In such a voluntary and confidential setting, if the family members truly want to preserve their relationships, a mediator may be able to bring all of the tumultuous feelings under control and help reach some sort of compromise.

“Having conducted many hundreds of mediations in my legal career, my experience in such settings shows that these types of mediations are successful about 50% of the time.”

Image credits: GEORGE DESIPRIS

When asked about suing family members, Linda has this to say: “Whether or not to sue a family member (for anything!) is always a very serious question, one that is fraught with problems.”

Besides the obvious outcome of severely damaging relationships, the person suing should examine their role in the dispute, Linda says. With the example situation in mind, did the BIL take any steps to be reimbursed or contact law enforcement? If not, why not?

Linda emphasizes that when dealing with family members and potential legal situations, less is more. Less threats of legal action and potential consequences and more suggestions for solving the problem are better. “Mediation services and mediators are abundant in every city and state. Barring a heinous crime involved, e.g., assault, battery and the like, a mediation conducted shortly after the event can work wonders!”

Mediation is quite common and can be effective in some, but not all, criminal matters and is often proscribed by many courts, Linda goes on.

Finally, talking about why family members may hesitate to contact law enforcement, Linda supplies a potential reason: “Once they do and the investigations begin, they have forfeited their rights to control the outcome.” Law enforcement and the legal system take priority.

With mediation, family members will get a say in the outcome and won’t be forced into anything they do not agree with.

If you’d like to find out more about Linda or solving conflicts, we suggest going to Linda’s website, where you can find much more information about conflict resolution and mediation in many, many different situations.

Image credits: Paweł L

But what should you do if you just can’t get along with your partner’s family? Perhaps they have slighted you somehow or never really thought you were a good fit for their partner? LOVEAroundMe has some tips.

One suggestion is to talk to your partner honestly, but only when you’ve spent a bit more time with the family. This may help you avoid uncomfortable situations with the family, or they’ll help you limit contact with the family.

Another important thing you could do is hold your ground. If the family mocks you, you should let them know that you won’t be having any of it, subtly at first, and obviously, if they aren’t listening to you.

What if you’re the one in between your partner and your family? Is there something to do that would mitigate the friction between the two parties? Romper suggests first talking to your partner about what exactly they dislike, where the feelings stem from. By knowing what’s bothering your partner, you can create tools to navigate difficult family situations.

You could also talk to your family about their concerns without being too defensive. If their concerns are not based on anything legitimate, your best option is to ask them to be respectful of you

Ultimately, you shouldn’t forget yourself and set up boundaries to protect your own emotional health. If either your parents or your partner won’t stop being negative, you should tell them that it makes you stressed and that you need some space.

In this case, the comments decided that this person was indeed the jerk. Their post got more than 14k upvotes and more than 7k comments. Commenters said that BIL is right for cutting them off and that they should do their absolute best to make him whole for the $70k.

Commenters blasted the poster for being entitled and calling them out for stealing from the BIL

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