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“Just A Small Mistake”: Teen Gets Uninvited From Uncle’s Wedding, Refuses To Forgive Him
Interview With Author
Family arguments are often a tough cookie, especially among relatives who used to be very close. These fights can cause a lot of stress in your life. It would be far healthier if everyone forgave each other, decided on some healthier boundaries for the future, and moved on. However, that’s easier said than done. In some cases, it’s not as simple as all that if you feel betrayed by someone you looked up to.
Single dad u/LeoBastion asked the r/AITAH online community for some honest advice regarding a very delicate situation with his family. According to the author, his teenage son cut off his beloved uncle after being uninvited from his child-free wedding. However, the dad doesn’t think it would be fair to make him give up his grudge. Read on for the full story.
Bored Panda reached out to the dad and author of the post, u/LeoBastion, and he was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You’ll find our interview with him below.
RELATED:
Child-free weddings can cause a lot of tension and lead to hurt feelings among family and friends if the rules aren’t clear
Image credits: Leeloo The First / Pexels (not the actual photo)
A dad asked the internet for help after opening up about how his son felt betrayed by his role-model uncle
Image credits: OlgaGimaeva / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: stockbusters / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: irinapavlova1 / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: allatsyganova / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LeoBastion
“Truly listen to your children and give them the same kind of respect we offer other adults”
According to the dad, most of the advice that other internet users gave him was “really good.” Though, he does add that some of it was “very harsh.”
“I guess I deserve it for not standing up for my son. I guess the best piece of advice I received was that I couldn’t force Leo to forgive or forget. His ‘healing’ has to be on his own terms,” u/LeoBastion told Bored Panda.
We were curious to get the dad’s perspective on how the relationship between his son and brother could ever recover. “To be honest, I don’t know if their relationship will ever be the same,” he said.
“Maybe one day they’ll get along again, but only time will tell. All I can do now is give my son time and let him know that I will 100% be in his corner from now on.”
He added: “As for my brother, I hope he learns to respect my son’s boundaries and that he accepts that any chance of reconciliation will be on Leo’s time, not his.”
The dad opened up about his own response to the entire situation, too. “Honestly, I think I failed my son by not really listening to what he was saying and how hurt he was,” u/LeoBastion said.
He had some great advice to share with other parents whose kids might be going through a particularly tough time.
“My advice would be to truly listen to your children and give them the same kind of respect we offer other adults: if they want to set boundaries, we should respect them,” he shared with Bored Panda.
“And sometimes, we as parents should learn that doing nothing can be just as harmful as taking the other person’s side.”
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato Elements (not the actual photo)
The teenager’s uncle didn’t foresee the rift he’d create by allowing him to be uninvited from the wedding
When the connection between the uncle and the nephew seems to have been so deep and strong, it seems ridiculous—not to mention harsh—not to invite the teenager to the wedding.
What is a wedding if not a union of two souls, witnessed by the people they love and respect the most? It would have been the right move to have the nephew there, cheering his uncle on.
However, hindsight is 20/20. With all the stress of the wedding, as well as pressure from other family members, the uncle might not have realized the massive impact uninviting his nephew might have.
Here’s the thing: the teenager’s feelings are valid. If he feels hurt, he feels hurt. There’s no rushing forgiveness along. Especially if the kid feels betrayed by someone he loves and really looks up to.
Forgiveness and reconnection are definitely possible, sure. But it will probably take a lot of time and consistent effort from the uncle to reestablish that sense of trust. For now, it’s probably best to give the nephew lots of space, and not get mad over his lack of forgiveness.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Forgiveness takes a while, but in the meantime, holding on to anger isn’t good for your health
With that being said, holding on to grudges and anger is generally awful for our health. Objectively, it’s best to forgive someone even if your only goal is to take care of your physical and mental health. Anger is a response to injustice and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with it… but there is a problem with chronic anger.
One study published in the Journal of Medicine and Life explains that chronic anger increases the risk of various diseases and disorders like atherosclerosis, coronary heart disease, bulimic behavior, and type 2 diabetes.
Meanwhile, the stress hormones released by anger are particularly bad for our hearts. Adrenaline can result in electrical changes in the heart, worsening the muscle’s health and affecting its ability to pump blood.
According to Pankaj Jay Pasricha, MD, who is the chair of medicine at Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, Arizona, anger and stress can have a major impact on your gastrointestinal tract.
The expert told ‘Everyday Health’ that chronic anger and stress can lead to things like abdominal pain, an upset stomach, or diarrhea. If untreated and unmitigated, all of that stress can lead to even more serious issues, such as inflammatory bowel disease, irritable bowel syndrome, and gastroesophageal reflux disease.
Image credits: Jeremy Wong Weddings / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
It’s up to the happy couple to decide who is and isn’t considered a kid at their child-free wedding
According to ‘Quick Candles,’ when organizing child-free weddings, it’s incredibly important to decide who does and does not count as a kid. The clearer and more upfront you are, the less risk of annoying your family and friends. And no happy couple needs any additional stress as it is.
For some people, that might mean someone who is legally an adult. For others, it might be old enough to drink alcohol (the laws regarding this are different in many countries around the world). Still, others might decide that teenagers are welcome, but babies might be too disruptive.
However, ‘Quick Candles’ warns that once you’ve decided on the ground rules, it’s probably best not to make any exceptions so you don’t show favoritism. If one couple gets to bring their toddler but someone else’s baby isn’t allowed, it’s only going to create resentment.
Of course, you should not let this blind you to common sense: if you’re someone’s role-model, it’s logical to invite them, regardless of age. It’s your wedding after all. You shouldn’t let ‘THE RULES’ ruin your relationships.
Also, there’s always room for compromise. For example, allowing everyone to attend the ceremony and then having a hired babysitter take care of the kids while the adults let loose on the dancefloor at the reception. Or having the babysitter take over at a certain point at the reception.
What do you think of the entire story, dear Pandas? What would you do in the dad’s situation where his son and brother are at odds? What do you think would need to happen for them to reconnect? If you have a moment, share your advice and opinions in the comments.
The author later shared some additional information about the sensitive situation at home
Many readers were on the dad’s side and thought he did the right thing to support his son
However, a few others had a slightly different perspective. Here’s their take
What do you think ?
StumblingThroughLife 3 months ago
You can't force someone to forgive - it doesn't work that way. The ones forcing it will know it's due to their force and nothing will change. They will still be AHs, and the boy will feel even more hurt (+ added resentment), either way. Adults can be so bloody stupid.
Scott Rackley 3 months ago
This. He can be forced to apologize, but not forgive. Different concepts entirely.
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xolitaire 3 months ago (edited)
The whole "family is everything" mentality really rears it's toxic head in this article. The MIL who openly dislikes kids chooses a specific wedding venue to make sure the kid is excluded from everything - but because she is "family", no one explains this to said kid. Which leads to him being disappointed by his uncle and his new wife instead. The kid has every right to be angry - he is a teenager, this happens?! Instead, people in the comments demand the father (edited because I accidentally wrote mother here instead) explain to his son that the entire thing was not intentional - when in truth it totally was?! The MIL organized the entire wedding to be child free. On purpose. Funny how half the commenters choose to ignore that just to wail on the kid.
Shark Lady 3 months ago
It definitely wasn't a mistake, the mil just didn't want children around who could interrupt her drinking time. Dad is in a really difficult situation, but his son is the one that really matters. The poor kid was abandoned by his mother to the point where he gets two phonecalls a year and the one person who he idolised has also let him down. Teenagers have big feelings and he needs time, he probably also needs therapy to deal with the route cause of his anger.
Bernd Herbert 3 months ago
"that I should force my son to forgive him"...that's not how that works
TribbleThinking 3 months ago
I noted Karen has not appeared at any time with an apology to Leo. Frankly, Karen doesn't sound that bothered, and yet they're adamant that they believe that it was a mistake. The biggest inconsistency to me is they didn't believe in marriage, yet went with it, AND THEN even abandoned Leo to be able to go through with it.
TribbleThinking 3 months ago (edited)
What I see is a couple who abandoned their non-marriage beliefs and their bond with a child when offered a free fancy party. Karen got to do her pretty-pretty project, and couple chose, as they were free to do so. Couple don't get to force child to not to call it as it is. Family should also shut up, as they also sold out for a free knees-up.
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DC 3 months ago
Jack and Mary have ALLOWED MIL to ruin their - or, rather, Jack's - relationship with Leo. They could have, and should have, been involved in planning enough to not let it slip out of their hands. MIL, obviously, is a PITA and it seems she is the most likely one to have had this in mind. Now, if we allow our thoghts to wanders, spread and explore themselves - was she jealous thereof? Was she planning to do this to damage the ties the family of her daughter and your brother has to his side, in order to tie them closer to her side? If that may be the case, or even is with some sort of sure'ity to it, it may have to do with her pushing away every caring person by being ... just that sort of person everybody knows, some tolerate, nobody likes, and a lot secretely hate. Which may have valid reasons, and ... well, the honest mistake ... hoest mistake am Arsch, I don't buy into that.
R Dennis 3 months ago
Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't. But it isn't for the OP to fix. That said, the son is a child who likely has abandonment issues stemming from the mother. I think therapy would help... but that's just me.
Broad Panda 3 months ago
Yeah. I think the abandonment issue is the real problem. The uncle has someone on his life now who takes up his time and love, and kickstarting their marriage with the boy not being included would be massive red flag to a 13 yr old. Understandably. So he's pushing his uncle away. The classic "you can't hurt me if I already don't care". It's sad.
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Game Guy 3 months ago
What got lost in all of this is that the uncle and his fiance didn't care about the wedding. Ok, if you don't care about the wedding and the kid can't go because MIL wants to drink, you don't go either. Get married at the courthouse with Leo as a witness and let MIL get sloshed all by herself.
FluffButt Central 3 months ago
Adults break a child's heart and then call him names for being upset? Leave the kid alone. The aunt and uncle need to grovel an apology about those comments.
Alexa Saltz 3 months ago
When you hurt someone you don't get to decide how bad it feels. Personally, I would have been devastated. If I had been the bride, the very moment I realized this venue meant excluding my beloved nephew I would have changed plans. Sounds like a narcissistic MIL.
Yu Pan 3 months ago
I see the points YTAs are trying to make and I can agree with them. Op is certainly NTA for not making son to forgive, but he could have done better to contain the situation when it first started. Op definitely should have redirect the conversations to solutions, rather than letting son fighting a lost cause. Is just adding fuel to the fire for both sides. I do believe the couple snapping at him was out of frustration rather than malice, like the first YTA suggestion. But what's done is done. Writing a letter is a good suggestion. And the adults need to be patient with him.
Jess 3 months ago
I believe guilt caused malice. This boy needs to be left alone for how ever long it takes his heart to feel better. Not only was he uninvited to the wedding at the last minute but the brother and SIL (and apparently everyone in the family, except for dear old dad) just expect him to just get over it and play nice. That invalidates the boy's pain. It comes across plainly that he was at the bottom of his uncle and SILs list of concerns because neither of them had a bank bone when it came to dealing with the MIL. Now everyone just wants the son to stop reminding them of the way he was treated.
Load More Replies... Kit Black 3 months ago
I think one of the things everyone is missing here is that this child does need counseling. He is deeply, deeply hurt. This is impacting his relationships with all of his remaining family, and even his own choices for his future. He needs to go talk to a professional counselor who can help him work through this.
Michael Fernandez 3 months ago
“With a gun to my head, I’ve decided to forgive you from the bottom of my heart.”
You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat 3 months ago
I’m in the same boat but my brother made the exception. No kids at his upcoming wedding except my 2 teens that will be 17 and 16. 17 son is also in the wedding. Future SIL didn’t want kids there but my brother made it clear mine were coming. Context: I have no other siblings, we were never close to extended family, and my brother was 18 when my son was born, so they were super close when my son was younger. It would be weird to not have me and my kids at the wedding. However, I do feel bad for the nieces and nephews from her side will not be there and think they might feel some sort of way about not being invited when they get older.
Acruss 3 months ago
There was no exception because these were hotel rules. Plus the kid is/was 14, and that hotel doesn't allow anyone under 16. So the situations are completely different.
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Quaint Desolation 3 months ago
Those dipwads calling the father TA are the type of people to get mad at you for you being upset by something THEY did. The father seems to have done everything to try to soothe both parties, to try to get both to admit wrongs and to see the other's side, but that's not the problem here. Leo got played dirty here, and anyone who disagrees with that assessment must not have been hurt by someone they have looked up to in the past in such a way as to ruin that relationship. I have, so I can see where Leo is coming from quite easily. A person has no obligation to be friendly or 'play nice' with someone that hurt them just because they're family. Family doesn't mean sh*t when it comes to being hurt, and can hurt more than it would if the offender wasn't family because... why would family hurt you? They're family, right? They're not supposed to make you feel bad. So, when the people who are literally there to support you are not doing so, it's a betrayal of that trust.
Chelsea Kelsey 3 months ago
Yeah, I truly think that it wasn't actually about not being allowed to attend the wedding, it was about not being understood for his devastation at losing a very unique and precious moment with someone he idolized. And on top of that, to have his very real hurt and disappointment be labelled as bratty behavior when it is painfully obvious he tried everything in his power to impress his uncle. When your brother didn't immediately correct his gf about that, that was the final nail. He proved then and there that your son could not trust him.
Buzzzybee 3 months ago
Brother and SIL need to appologize for all the mess they created, for making selfish and mean comments instead of aknowledging the boys feelings and for attacking you instead of appologizing again. A proper apology would be "I was an idiot, you are right to be mad, please forgive me". Not "You are selfish and a child. Here let me take you to a vacation, so that you can forget your feelings". It's not just the missunderstanding that was hurtfull and insulting, it's the whole attitude. Your boy sees that clearly, you don't probably for being stuck in the middle of this. I think you should put your foot down to those people and have his back. NTA.
Jene' Rossini 3 months ago
I'm glad that you didn't go to the wedding. That would have been the ultimate betrayal.
Barbara Deskins 3 months ago
Gray Rock someone means to make interactions as uninteresting as possible
Funhog 3 months ago
• I can understand how Leo would be so upset with being disinvited from the wedding; he'd been looking so forward to going for 6 months only to be told a month prior to the event that he couldn't go. Of course, he was crushed because he felt that he wasn't important/special enough to Jack for Jack to ensure that he was included. Leo may have felt less crushed if he'd not been invited from the beginning. • However, if Jack truly believes that marriage (thus, even his own wedding) isn't special, then I can understand how Jack didn't think it would be a big deal if Leo wouldn't be able to attend his wedding. Unfortunately, Jack didn't communicate his views with Leo early on, so Leo took it personally that he wasn't included in Jack's big day. • Leo and Jack had a special relationship where Leo identified with Jack and wanted to be like him. When Leo was crushed, he'd thrown out all things (including everything in his heart and thoughts) related to Jack and had to create a new...
Funhog 3 months ago
...identity. Unfortunately, he had none to fall back on and there was just anger left. • An important aspect of this is that Leo had been rejected by his Mother early in his life. This is the ultimate rejection, one from which most people don't recover. This made it too easy for Leo, in turn, to reject Jack for being slighted. • It is a shame that Leo would rather continue to feel angry and bitter towards Jack, thereby denying himself a wonderful relationship with his Uncle. I hope that Leo does forgive Jack.
Load More Replies... Zobi123 3 months ago
I feel a bit for SIL. She was clearly upset about the situation and took it very seriously but there was nothing to be done. I am curious how long OP let his is son keep trying to bargain with the couple, instead of gently steering him towards acceptance. And frankly, moving an entire wedding with less than one month to go for one person, no matter how important they are, is ridiculous and OP should have explained that to his son immediately.
Just stopping by 3 months ago
I believe in one of the comments he mentioned he did explain but it was unfortunately after the talk with the uncle and aunt
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Jess 3 months ago
Xolitaire makes major point. MILs actions were DELIBERATE and because no one thought she would ever do anything that horrible it didn't occur to anyone to check. It also seems like your brother let the MIL handle things so he didn't have to deal with her. Your son is heart hurt and no one wants to deal with it. But as his father you hold his heart in this fiasco. Your don knows it was deliberate, in spite of all the adults doing the "family gets a pass" dance. Let your son heal on his own time, give him your support. And tell you blighted brother and SIL to deal with it because they didn't deal with the MIL.
jessica r 3 months ago
It’s not about forcing to forgive, but the child is deeply hurt and he misses his uncle. If they were that close and loved each other so much, it would be a shame to throw that relationship away. The family should work on repairing that relationship without forcing formal forgiveness. Maybe the kid was secretly afraid that his uncle is replacing him with a family of his own.
dandylilah 3 months ago
Why didn't they just say he's 16? What are they gonna do, card him? Ask to see birth certificate?
Meagan Glaser 3 months ago
This isn't about "forcing an apology" this is about Dad doing some hard parenting. No, you can't force a kid to forgive. But Dad keeps waffling between "MIL is a pOS who hates my son" and spinning this conspiracy that it was all on purpose (sounds like the reasoning of a upset 15 year old) and responding to comments about how he totally explained the impossibility of moving the wedding at the last minute. Dude can't decide if it was an honest mistake or a personal attack, no wonder he can't help his son. And he seems to think that his son's inability to "get past" or stop being "stuck" is justification for not trying anymore. The kid dosn't HAVE to love his uncle, but he does have to learn how to deal with life's painful moments without lashing out at the wrong people and torpedoing his own happiness. He's hurting his relationships with EVERYONE in the family at this point while dad wrings his hands and unsure.
Ali 1 month ago
I want to know how the hell brother and SIL didn't realize they were booked at an adult only resort until a month before the wedding. They NEVER googled the place her mother was booking? Adult only resorts usually advertise that pretty well. I find it incredibly fishy that they didn't notice
weatherwitch 1 month ago
Given the further feedback about the MIL this was deliberate not accidental. The Entire resort is child free? Oh she got exactly what she wanted. Poor lad. He must have Adored and worshipped his uncle especially to have been looking forward to a wedding at 13. I would have Hated having to attend one. They need a mediator here. I can understand why after half an hour of the poor kid going on about ways to change the impossible that the adults said the wrong thing out of frustration at the deadlock they were in. The one at complete fault is the MIL. Others less. I'm envious that young lad had such a close tight relationship with his uncle, I never had anything like that. I feel his hurt, betrayal and loss from this. Then I read that his mother also abandoned him now with just the obligatory birthday and Christmas calls. Kid needs counselling. Adults make mistakes, they're not fallible. Such a sad situation 😔
Barbara Manel 3 months ago
if you force him to forgive them, it won't be an honest forgive. It will just be words. But the worst culprits here are your brother and SIL for allowing her mother to plan the whole wedding without any imput. It wasn't a mistake that it was at an adults only resort. Nobody makes mistakes like that. Jack and his wife and the rest of the family are just going to have to wait it out. He may forgive them, but their relationship will never ever be the same.
Julie Schraeder 3 months ago
The dad needs to try more because unfortunately this grudge is really going to hurt Leo the most. Maybe therapy would help, but it's not healthy for him to continue to hate his uncle over something that can't be fixed. He is missing out on the love they want to give him.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 3 months ago
Telling a 14 year old fo "keep the peace" sounds like the uncle is childish trash. He needs to f**k right and all the way off.
Just stopping by 3 months ago (edited)
In short, you can't make someone forgive someone else. But I think OP needs to guide his son more to help him process such intense emotions because it's easy to be blinded by them at that age. Big family time would have to come to a halt until that happens because they won't just let it be and instead keep picking at him because of it, which is making it worse. The son should not be rude nor hostile but he should be allowed space to feel his feelings and process them in his time. Therapy is necessary. Id also like to point out that I feel it's the new aunt that actually did the worse damage when she lost her temper and called him selfish. And when (and I'm assuming here) uncle didn't check her for that unnecessary and hurtful comment, it blew up how the nephew perceived him.
brittany 3 months ago
you cant force someone to forgive another person,. you can push them into faking it i guess but it wont be genuine. i was forced to 'forgive' a male family member who assaulted me bc "i needed to be the bigger person" i was forced to say the words but never actually forgave them or said more than i needed to around them. eventually i was able to cut them off forever and the surprised pikachu face when family found out i never actually forgave was hilarious. like did they think forcing me to say the words would magically make the abuse not have happened?
Helena 3 months ago
He is 14 not 5. At 14 I'd already had a job for a year. If you expect no growth and treat him as a 5 year old, he will never become a fully realized adult. Did the adults handle this in a sparkling manner? No. But he is old enough to comprehend that adults make mistakes, life is unfair, he is still loved and treasured, and holding onto this resentment will hurt him more in the long run than anyone he's aiming it at. Did you guys ever fail growing up? Were you invited to every single birthday party and event? Learning to deal with that stuff is how you learn the coping skills to handle it as an adult. This is not a neglected or abused kid, this is a disappointed kid who needs to be guided through how to handle disappointment gracefully.
Spittnimage 3 months ago
I think if the kid finally apologized because of what the SIL said about being selfish that the aunt and uncle would turn it around and treat Leo the way Leo was treating them TBH.
xolitaire 3 months ago (edited)
Or, wild concept: instead of harassing a teenager and forcing him to "forgive" someone just because they are family, how about we take a closer look at the MIL? The MIL who openly admitted that she doesn't like kids because they "run around" and she can't get drunk around them? That woman literally chose that venue on purpose to exclude the kid. But yes, let's zero in on the kid, who was rightfully disappointed. Good job.
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StumblingThroughLife 3 months ago
You can't force someone to forgive - it doesn't work that way. The ones forcing it will know it's due to their force and nothing will change. They will still be AHs, and the boy will feel even more hurt (+ added resentment), either way. Adults can be so bloody stupid.
Scott Rackley 3 months ago
This. He can be forced to apologize, but not forgive. Different concepts entirely.
Load More Replies... xolitaire 3 months ago (edited)
The whole "family is everything" mentality really rears it's toxic head in this article. The MIL who openly dislikes kids chooses a specific wedding venue to make sure the kid is excluded from everything - but because she is "family", no one explains this to said kid. Which leads to him being disappointed by his uncle and his new wife instead. The kid has every right to be angry - he is a teenager, this happens?! Instead, people in the comments demand the father (edited because I accidentally wrote mother here instead) explain to his son that the entire thing was not intentional - when in truth it totally was?! The MIL organized the entire wedding to be child free. On purpose. Funny how half the commenters choose to ignore that just to wail on the kid.
Shark Lady 3 months ago
It definitely wasn't a mistake, the mil just didn't want children around who could interrupt her drinking time. Dad is in a really difficult situation, but his son is the one that really matters. The poor kid was abandoned by his mother to the point where he gets two phonecalls a year and the one person who he idolised has also let him down. Teenagers have big feelings and he needs time, he probably also needs therapy to deal with the route cause of his anger.
Bernd Herbert 3 months ago
"that I should force my son to forgive him"...that's not how that works
TribbleThinking 3 months ago
I noted Karen has not appeared at any time with an apology to Leo. Frankly, Karen doesn't sound that bothered, and yet they're adamant that they believe that it was a mistake. The biggest inconsistency to me is they didn't believe in marriage, yet went with it, AND THEN even abandoned Leo to be able to go through with it.
TribbleThinking 3 months ago (edited)
What I see is a couple who abandoned their non-marriage beliefs and their bond with a child when offered a free fancy party. Karen got to do her pretty-pretty project, and couple chose, as they were free to do so. Couple don't get to force child to not to call it as it is. Family should also shut up, as they also sold out for a free knees-up.
Load More Replies... DC 3 months ago
Jack and Mary have ALLOWED MIL to ruin their - or, rather, Jack's - relationship with Leo. They could have, and should have, been involved in planning enough to not let it slip out of their hands. MIL, obviously, is a PITA and it seems she is the most likely one to have had this in mind. Now, if we allow our thoghts to wanders, spread and explore themselves - was she jealous thereof? Was she planning to do this to damage the ties the family of her daughter and your brother has to his side, in order to tie them closer to her side? If that may be the case, or even is with some sort of sure'ity to it, it may have to do with her pushing away every caring person by being ... just that sort of person everybody knows, some tolerate, nobody likes, and a lot secretely hate. Which may have valid reasons, and ... well, the honest mistake ... hoest mistake am Arsch, I don't buy into that.
R Dennis 3 months ago
Maybe it was a mistake, maybe it wasn't. But it isn't for the OP to fix. That said, the son is a child who likely has abandonment issues stemming from the mother. I think therapy would help... but that's just me.
Broad Panda 3 months ago
Yeah. I think the abandonment issue is the real problem. The uncle has someone on his life now who takes up his time and love, and kickstarting their marriage with the boy not being included would be massive red flag to a 13 yr old. Understandably. So he's pushing his uncle away. The classic "you can't hurt me if I already don't care". It's sad.
Load More Replies... Game Guy 3 months ago
What got lost in all of this is that the uncle and his fiance didn't care about the wedding. Ok, if you don't care about the wedding and the kid can't go because MIL wants to drink, you don't go either. Get married at the courthouse with Leo as a witness and let MIL get sloshed all by herself.
FluffButt Central 3 months ago
Adults break a child's heart and then call him names for being upset? Leave the kid alone. The aunt and uncle need to grovel an apology about those comments.
Alexa Saltz 3 months ago
When you hurt someone you don't get to decide how bad it feels. Personally, I would have been devastated. If I had been the bride, the very moment I realized this venue meant excluding my beloved nephew I would have changed plans. Sounds like a narcissistic MIL.
Yu Pan 3 months ago
I see the points YTAs are trying to make and I can agree with them. Op is certainly NTA for not making son to forgive, but he could have done better to contain the situation when it first started. Op definitely should have redirect the conversations to solutions, rather than letting son fighting a lost cause. Is just adding fuel to the fire for both sides. I do believe the couple snapping at him was out of frustration rather than malice, like the first YTA suggestion. But what's done is done. Writing a letter is a good suggestion. And the adults need to be patient with him.
Jess 3 months ago
I believe guilt caused malice. This boy needs to be left alone for how ever long it takes his heart to feel better. Not only was he uninvited to the wedding at the last minute but the brother and SIL (and apparently everyone in the family, except for dear old dad) just expect him to just get over it and play nice. That invalidates the boy's pain. It comes across plainly that he was at the bottom of his uncle and SILs list of concerns because neither of them had a bank bone when it came to dealing with the MIL. Now everyone just wants the son to stop reminding them of the way he was treated.
Load More Replies... Kit Black 3 months ago
I think one of the things everyone is missing here is that this child does need counseling. He is deeply, deeply hurt. This is impacting his relationships with all of his remaining family, and even his own choices for his future. He needs to go talk to a professional counselor who can help him work through this.
Michael Fernandez 3 months ago
“With a gun to my head, I’ve decided to forgive you from the bottom of my heart.”
You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat 3 months ago
I’m in the same boat but my brother made the exception. No kids at his upcoming wedding except my 2 teens that will be 17 and 16. 17 son is also in the wedding. Future SIL didn’t want kids there but my brother made it clear mine were coming. Context: I have no other siblings, we were never close to extended family, and my brother was 18 when my son was born, so they were super close when my son was younger. It would be weird to not have me and my kids at the wedding. However, I do feel bad for the nieces and nephews from her side will not be there and think they might feel some sort of way about not being invited when they get older.
Acruss 3 months ago
There was no exception because these were hotel rules. Plus the kid is/was 14, and that hotel doesn't allow anyone under 16. So the situations are completely different.
Load More Replies... Quaint Desolation 3 months ago
Those dipwads calling the father TA are the type of people to get mad at you for you being upset by something THEY did. The father seems to have done everything to try to soothe both parties, to try to get both to admit wrongs and to see the other's side, but that's not the problem here. Leo got played dirty here, and anyone who disagrees with that assessment must not have been hurt by someone they have looked up to in the past in such a way as to ruin that relationship. I have, so I can see where Leo is coming from quite easily. A person has no obligation to be friendly or 'play nice' with someone that hurt them just because they're family. Family doesn't mean sh*t when it comes to being hurt, and can hurt more than it would if the offender wasn't family because... why would family hurt you? They're family, right? They're not supposed to make you feel bad. So, when the people who are literally there to support you are not doing so, it's a betrayal of that trust.
Chelsea Kelsey 3 months ago
Yeah, I truly think that it wasn't actually about not being allowed to attend the wedding, it was about not being understood for his devastation at losing a very unique and precious moment with someone he idolized. And on top of that, to have his very real hurt and disappointment be labelled as bratty behavior when it is painfully obvious he tried everything in his power to impress his uncle. When your brother didn't immediately correct his gf about that, that was the final nail. He proved then and there that your son could not trust him.
Buzzzybee 3 months ago
Brother and SIL need to appologize for all the mess they created, for making selfish and mean comments instead of aknowledging the boys feelings and for attacking you instead of appologizing again. A proper apology would be "I was an idiot, you are right to be mad, please forgive me". Not "You are selfish and a child. Here let me take you to a vacation, so that you can forget your feelings". It's not just the missunderstanding that was hurtfull and insulting, it's the whole attitude. Your boy sees that clearly, you don't probably for being stuck in the middle of this. I think you should put your foot down to those people and have his back. NTA.
Jene' Rossini 3 months ago
I'm glad that you didn't go to the wedding. That would have been the ultimate betrayal.
Barbara Deskins 3 months ago
Gray Rock someone means to make interactions as uninteresting as possible
Funhog 3 months ago
• I can understand how Leo would be so upset with being disinvited from the wedding; he'd been looking so forward to going for 6 months only to be told a month prior to the event that he couldn't go. Of course, he was crushed because he felt that he wasn't important/special enough to Jack for Jack to ensure that he was included. Leo may have felt less crushed if he'd not been invited from the beginning. • However, if Jack truly believes that marriage (thus, even his own wedding) isn't special, then I can understand how Jack didn't think it would be a big deal if Leo wouldn't be able to attend his wedding. Unfortunately, Jack didn't communicate his views with Leo early on, so Leo took it personally that he wasn't included in Jack's big day. • Leo and Jack had a special relationship where Leo identified with Jack and wanted to be like him. When Leo was crushed, he'd thrown out all things (including everything in his heart and thoughts) related to Jack and had to create a new...
Funhog 3 months ago
...identity. Unfortunately, he had none to fall back on and there was just anger left. • An important aspect of this is that Leo had been rejected by his Mother early in his life. This is the ultimate rejection, one from which most people don't recover. This made it too easy for Leo, in turn, to reject Jack for being slighted. • It is a shame that Leo would rather continue to feel angry and bitter towards Jack, thereby denying himself a wonderful relationship with his Uncle. I hope that Leo does forgive Jack.
Load More Replies... Zobi123 3 months ago
I feel a bit for SIL. She was clearly upset about the situation and took it very seriously but there was nothing to be done. I am curious how long OP let his is son keep trying to bargain with the couple, instead of gently steering him towards acceptance. And frankly, moving an entire wedding with less than one month to go for one person, no matter how important they are, is ridiculous and OP should have explained that to his son immediately.
Just stopping by 3 months ago
I believe in one of the comments he mentioned he did explain but it was unfortunately after the talk with the uncle and aunt
Load More Replies... Jess 3 months ago
Xolitaire makes major point. MILs actions were DELIBERATE and because no one thought she would ever do anything that horrible it didn't occur to anyone to check. It also seems like your brother let the MIL handle things so he didn't have to deal with her. Your son is heart hurt and no one wants to deal with it. But as his father you hold his heart in this fiasco. Your don knows it was deliberate, in spite of all the adults doing the "family gets a pass" dance. Let your son heal on his own time, give him your support. And tell you blighted brother and SIL to deal with it because they didn't deal with the MIL.
jessica r 3 months ago
It’s not about forcing to forgive, but the child is deeply hurt and he misses his uncle. If they were that close and loved each other so much, it would be a shame to throw that relationship away. The family should work on repairing that relationship without forcing formal forgiveness. Maybe the kid was secretly afraid that his uncle is replacing him with a family of his own.
dandylilah 3 months ago
Why didn't they just say he's 16? What are they gonna do, card him? Ask to see birth certificate?
Meagan Glaser 3 months ago
This isn't about "forcing an apology" this is about Dad doing some hard parenting. No, you can't force a kid to forgive. But Dad keeps waffling between "MIL is a pOS who hates my son" and spinning this conspiracy that it was all on purpose (sounds like the reasoning of a upset 15 year old) and responding to comments about how he totally explained the impossibility of moving the wedding at the last minute. Dude can't decide if it was an honest mistake or a personal attack, no wonder he can't help his son. And he seems to think that his son's inability to "get past" or stop being "stuck" is justification for not trying anymore. The kid dosn't HAVE to love his uncle, but he does have to learn how to deal with life's painful moments without lashing out at the wrong people and torpedoing his own happiness. He's hurting his relationships with EVERYONE in the family at this point while dad wrings his hands and unsure.
Ali 1 month ago
I want to know how the hell brother and SIL didn't realize they were booked at an adult only resort until a month before the wedding. They NEVER googled the place her mother was booking? Adult only resorts usually advertise that pretty well. I find it incredibly fishy that they didn't notice
weatherwitch 1 month ago
Given the further feedback about the MIL this was deliberate not accidental. The Entire resort is child free? Oh she got exactly what she wanted. Poor lad. He must have Adored and worshipped his uncle especially to have been looking forward to a wedding at 13. I would have Hated having to attend one. They need a mediator here. I can understand why after half an hour of the poor kid going on about ways to change the impossible that the adults said the wrong thing out of frustration at the deadlock they were in. The one at complete fault is the MIL. Others less. I'm envious that young lad had such a close tight relationship with his uncle, I never had anything like that. I feel his hurt, betrayal and loss from this. Then I read that his mother also abandoned him now with just the obligatory birthday and Christmas calls. Kid needs counselling. Adults make mistakes, they're not fallible. Such a sad situation 😔
Barbara Manel 3 months ago
if you force him to forgive them, it won't be an honest forgive. It will just be words. But the worst culprits here are your brother and SIL for allowing her mother to plan the whole wedding without any imput. It wasn't a mistake that it was at an adults only resort. Nobody makes mistakes like that. Jack and his wife and the rest of the family are just going to have to wait it out. He may forgive them, but their relationship will never ever be the same.
Julie Schraeder 3 months ago
The dad needs to try more because unfortunately this grudge is really going to hurt Leo the most. Maybe therapy would help, but it's not healthy for him to continue to hate his uncle over something that can't be fixed. He is missing out on the love they want to give him.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 3 months ago
Telling a 14 year old fo "keep the peace" sounds like the uncle is childish trash. He needs to f**k right and all the way off.
Just stopping by 3 months ago (edited)
In short, you can't make someone forgive someone else. But I think OP needs to guide his son more to help him process such intense emotions because it's easy to be blinded by them at that age. Big family time would have to come to a halt until that happens because they won't just let it be and instead keep picking at him because of it, which is making it worse. The son should not be rude nor hostile but he should be allowed space to feel his feelings and process them in his time. Therapy is necessary. Id also like to point out that I feel it's the new aunt that actually did the worse damage when she lost her temper and called him selfish. And when (and I'm assuming here) uncle didn't check her for that unnecessary and hurtful comment, it blew up how the nephew perceived him.
brittany 3 months ago
you cant force someone to forgive another person,. you can push them into faking it i guess but it wont be genuine. i was forced to 'forgive' a male family member who assaulted me bc "i needed to be the bigger person" i was forced to say the words but never actually forgave them or said more than i needed to around them. eventually i was able to cut them off forever and the surprised pikachu face when family found out i never actually forgave was hilarious. like did they think forcing me to say the words would magically make the abuse not have happened?
Helena 3 months ago
He is 14 not 5. At 14 I'd already had a job for a year. If you expect no growth and treat him as a 5 year old, he will never become a fully realized adult. Did the adults handle this in a sparkling manner? No. But he is old enough to comprehend that adults make mistakes, life is unfair, he is still loved and treasured, and holding onto this resentment will hurt him more in the long run than anyone he's aiming it at. Did you guys ever fail growing up? Were you invited to every single birthday party and event? Learning to deal with that stuff is how you learn the coping skills to handle it as an adult. This is not a neglected or abused kid, this is a disappointed kid who needs to be guided through how to handle disappointment gracefully.
Spittnimage 3 months ago
I think if the kid finally apologized because of what the SIL said about being selfish that the aunt and uncle would turn it around and treat Leo the way Leo was treating them TBH.
xolitaire 3 months ago (edited)
Or, wild concept: instead of harassing a teenager and forcing him to "forgive" someone just because they are family, how about we take a closer look at the MIL? The MIL who openly admitted that she doesn't like kids because they "run around" and she can't get drunk around them? That woman literally chose that venue on purpose to exclude the kid. But yes, let's zero in on the kid, who was rightfully disappointed. Good job.
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