Everybody knows it's the Freemasons, the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians.

This! And also why can I fall asleep while I'm reading in bed but then when I turn out the lights I'm wide awake?

I snort-laughed immoderately at this. Just for once, without a mouthful of coffee.

I'm unsure if the version of animal farm I read in high school was abridged or I was still to innocent in life to fully understand it. However, revisiting it as an adult, horrifying! Can't believe we give this to kids.

I'm still hanging onto that 25-pin parallel printer cable, just in case...

Genius!

We must be long lost siblings!

I had porch pirates, but they stole our delivery of cat litter (not used). They opened it, saw what it was, and the next day put it back on our doorstep. British thieves are very considerate of animal rights, apparently.

Dolly Parton wouldn't need that immunity

It's my way of saying 'thanks for not helping me'

A Tesla Cybertruck?

This screams compliance with a stupid rule

sometimes. stop judging

I wish my vet had knocked. I wasn't prepared when he came in and my dog booked it out the door. Caused mayhem in the waiting room.

Such a creep that Google! 😂

Works for me

drops her soap bar

At least you know what to expect.

I must be the Costa del Face

Wine and biccies apparently, so can we suggest adding cheese to the list

Racoons and foxes also are able to do that technically given that they can squeeze through holes with a diameter of 9cm and a r****m being able to stretch up to 12 - 14

I came from a "if you didn't vomit you're not sick enough to stay home from school" family.

I like to eat them until my tongue is about to rip apart

aglet

Same as pickles tbh...

I’ve read “the most” instead of “the moths” and it made a perfect sense too 😂😂😂

Same!

Short and to the point: I like it.

I don't move to Tornado Alley because I don't trust myself not to be one of those idiots driving TOWARDS it.

Thank you all. Any chance of doing the same with mother in law jokes now?

I sent a message to a friend that said "Poor me :(" because I had to get out of bed. My phone sent it on to three strangers AND posted it to my facebook stories. Settle down.

Even as a kid i realized that place was disgusting. No, nope, never.

Rhinoceros is my favorite character!

Approximately 4 minutes. Source: my friends and I were idiots in high school.

My wife is one of those goblins, and it's not even the "thriftiness" as she calls it, but that shameless disorganization that results in a cluttered clusterfuck popping up where-ever she goes....My solution was to build her a whole new room 200sq ft office/craft room with the stipulation that all of her disaster stays in that room, anything that's left outside the confines of that room at the end of the day, goes straight in the trash.

Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein wasn't the name of the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein was the monster all the same.

I have never met a fried salted potato I didn't like

Also no boob money or sock money. That’s gross even when it’s not the temperature of Satan’s schmeenie outside.

Those ongoin wars, capitalism, patriarchy, the job market, those societal expectations, my mind most of all.

I hate making calls too.

From the mouth of babes......

Well, funny on purpose people are smart. But dumb people are really funny too in a completely different way

Well, the original myth does hold that Sisyphus CAN quit, but his blind determination in the face of the obvious result prevents him from doing so. Also, his self honour.

FedEx bought out UPS and they going to change the name to FedUp.

My girlfriend has no idea what I do at work lol

With the game logic, you get the most HP from a croissant.

In my husband's family, cards stay in their plastic foil and they write "Happy birthday to XY" on the foil with a foil pen. Then they use this card for 20 years.

Camping is the state in which you experience your own neglect as relaxation.

True. It doesn't help if you're penny wise but pound foolish.

I hate that our bodies don't just automatically know to lift with your legs