Planning a birthday party can be equally exciting and nerve-racking. You get to pick out your favorite birthday cake, invite all of your friends and enjoy being the star of the show for one day. But there’s always a risk that guests will cancel at the last minute, the activities won’t be as entertaining as you had hoped and you’ll spend the evening sobbing into a pint of ice cream.

One parent recently reached out to Reddit detailing how their son’s birthday party was a huge disappointment due to the behavior of the kids and parents who attended. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as conversations with the parent who shared this post, Fiona Naughton of Dolly Dowsie and child development expert Claire Lerner, LICSW.

Despite how stressful party planning can be, parents want to do everything they can to make their child’s birthday special

Image credits: Dimaberlin/Envato (not the actual photo)

Unfortunately for this parent, it wasn’t worth the hassle after guests ruined their son’s celebration by behaving badly

Image credits:  seventyfourimages/Envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Stockphoty/Envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Resident-Sympathy-82

“It feels like a bad prank”

To find out more about this situation, we reached out to the parent who shared this story, Reddit user Resident-Sympathy-82. They were kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and answer a few of our questions.

First, we wanted to know what’s happened since the party. “Some of the parents paid for their family, and some said they would pay me when they got paid. I’d say about 40% of people realized what happened was wrong. No one offered to pay the extra fees. I’m willing to eat the bullet on it.”

Thankfully, it sounds like their son is doing okay. “He was really happy he got some good presents, so that’s held him over,” the parent shared. “He still says he doesn’t want a party again. We haven’t done anything special because of work and things. We’re gonna take him out to the park today and play some pickleball.”

The parent also noted that they’re very new to the town they’re currently living in, so they don’t know many people yet. “I’m really shocked by how these adults acted. It feels like a bad prank,” they shared. “I’m an openly trans and queer person and work in the community, so I worry that people decided they would go out of their way to do wrong to me because of that.”

And what did the parent think of the replies to their post? “I was very overwhelmed,” they said. “I didn’t expect to get 2.4 million views in 24 hours. This is mind boggling. I think most comments were really helpful and really supportive. There were some people who were openly racist and tried to repeatedly state that this was done by POC, and I reported and denied all of those. Otherwise, I think this was a really great post and had great comments.”

“We don’t feel welcomed, and I think that they wanted to make this clear”

The author wanted to clarify that they had no way of getting in touch with the parents of their son’s classmates. “It is a very small school. It is very isolated. When you enter the town, there is a sign welcoming you to it and underneath says ’20xx High School Champions of Sport’, so we have VERY little here.”

They have also yet to receive any invitations to other birthday parties in town. “My son is autistic, and while he is very social, most kids find him off putting, and I think that this may of had something to do with how kids and parents treated us,” they noted. “We only have work friends.”

The parent added that their youngest son has 2 very rare medical problems, so the family has had to isolate themselves since his birth in 2023 to keep him safe. “Up until very, very recently, we’ve literally only left the house to go to work, school, and relied on store pick up options,” the parent noted. “He just went to a restaurant for the first time this year. I think this also plays a big part in how people treat us: we constantly wearing gloves and very reclusive. I’m also very open in my community and online about promoting mental wellness, and I think this stigma became attached to me by the community.”

Finally, the author shared, “People saw a queer household with neurodivergent kids that are outsiders, openly talking about mental health, and doing controversial things (wearing masks, not allowing people inside our homes, etc.) and decided they could treat us however they wanted. We don’t feel welcomed, and I think that they wanted to make this clear.”

“This level of acting out is highly unusual”

Image credits: Lan Gao/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

Birthday parties

To learn more about this situation and how common it is for kids to behave like this at birthday parties, we got in touch with child development expert Claire Lerner, LICSW.

“Birthday parties can be overstimulating for kids, so out of control behavior is not so uncommon,” the expert says. “However, this level of acting out is highly unusual. In any case, this is really a parenting issue. It sounds like parents were present, that this wasn’t a drop-off party, and so it’s the parents’ responsibility to ensure their children are behaving appropriately.”

“If a child is having a hard time–being aggressive with their bodies or words–their parent should take action to limit that unwanted behavior–take them out for a break, remind them of the rules, give them another chance, and then extricate them if they are unable to behave in accordance with the expectations of a birthday party.”

“The parent of the birthday child was well within their right to ask parents to take kids home who are not able to act respectfully,” Claire continued. “It’s not healthy for the birthday child to be subjected to this, and it’s also not healthy for the children who were acting out unkindly to be enabled to do so. Kids learn to make good choices by experiencing natural consequences for their actions. Being able to stay at a party when they are being unkind is just reinforcing that behavior, which will not serve them well.”

When it comes to the best course of action for parents to take when other kids are being unkind to their children, Claire says it depends on their age. “If they are young kids, under 5 or 6, I would ask the parent of the child who is being unkind to intervene and set a limit. The rule is: to stay at a birthday party we act with kindness. If they are unable to do that or choose not to do that, it’s time to leave.”

“There were so many systemic problems that led to this”

So how can this parent make it up to their child and explain the situation after his party was ruined? “What’s most important here is to help the child make sense of what happened,” the expert says. “Acknowledge how painful/disappointing it was and explain that sometimes parties can be overwhelming and kids get out of control and act without thinking–to help him depersonalize it if at all possible.”

Claire also suggests that the parents take some responsibility for not having done more to prevent this, like asking guests who were not acting appropriately to leave. “It is the parents’ responsibility to protect their children,” she shared. “They should have insisted families whose kids were acting unkindly leave.”

As for repairing the situation, she suggests they have a ‘redo’. “Plan a small gathering of people who love their child and will make him feel special and loved–the number of attendees is not important, it’s the feelings they imbue in him that’s important,” Claire says. “Be sure it’s containable and that they can provide the necessary supervision to keep things under control. Maybe do it at the house and not in some huge playspace where things can go off the rails quickly.”

Finally, the expert added that this scenario is highly unusual. “There were so many systemic problems that led to this,” Claire shared. “The important take-homes, I believe are to: plan a party based on your individual child’s needs, not the needs of the group.”

“Don’t distribute invites at school where you have to invite everyone,” she suggests. “Do it privately and keep it small, especially for kids who are more sensitive and get overwhelmed easily. Think about what it is that they would enjoy, which might mean even just 2 or 3 kids. Set and enforce clear boundaries. Let families know in advance who is invited, ie, if you don’t want siblings and other adults, be clear.”

It’s important for guests to understand birthday party etiquette before attending

Image credits: Adam Kring/Unsplash (not the actual photo)

We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Fiona Naughton of Dolly Dowsie to learn more about children’s birthday party etiquette, for those planning and those attending.

“If you have the mobile numbers of the parents whose children you’re wanting to invite to the party, it’s a good idea to add everyone to a WhatsApp group (title it *Child’s name’s* Birthday Party! or something like that) to keep all party info and invites in one place,” Fiona suggests. “Using WhatsApp, you can also see who has read your messages, just in case someone misses the initial message and you need to follow up with them.”

“I’ve done this for my sons’ birthday parties, and everyone has always RSVP’d in good time or let us know they can’t make it in advance of us paying for the party (this is appreciated as in this day and age parties and venues can be quite expensive!),” the expert says. “I always make sure to send a friendly reminder the day before the party about the arrangements too (always good to have a reminder as a busy parent!). In my sons’ school, paper invites aren’t allowed (so children won’t feel left out if not invited), so I find creating a WhatsApp group just for the parents is the best option.”

We also asked what guests should know before attending a child’s birthday party. “I think it’s important to bring a gift and or/card, but only gift what you can afford,” Fiona says. “In my eldest son’s class, it was agreed by all us parents (we have a WhatsApp group for each class that all parents are added to), that €5 was going to be the amount we were gifting in cards for birthdays. It meant that the birthday child received a gift, but it wasn’t too much of a burden for anyone.”

“I think it’s always important to drop and collect your child in time for a party (obviously things can happen that can delay you from time to time) and to say thank you when collecting your child or by sending a polite message to the parent of the birthday child after the event,” the expert added. “A thank you is always appreciated!”

“The day is about a child who just wants to celebrate and have fun with their friends; so leave the drama at home!”

So what are parents to do if children are acting inappropriately at their child’s party? “I think it’s important to set out in the initial birthday invite just who is invited to the party,” Fiona recommends. “For example, writing *child’s name* would like to invite the boys/the girls/everyone from their class to their party at such and such a time, at such and such a date. If you could RSVP to let me know if your child can make it that would be great!”

“If you need to, insist in the initial message that it is just for the children invited, and unfortunately siblings, cousins and the rest of the family can’t be accommodated,” she continued. “Also, make sure to let the parents know that they can drop their child and come back from them later. I think if this isn’t known beforehand, you could have parents hanging around with their other children, as they didn’t know they could leave their child at the party and return later and may not have childcare for the other children, etc. Keep it polite, but make the boundary.”

And if guests start behaving badly, Fiona says it’s best to pull them aside on their own to ask them to stop. “You don’t need to be unfriendly, but speaking in a firm way and letting them know by your tone that what they’re doing isn’t appreciated works best I think,” she shared.

Finally, the mother added, “In my 12 years of parenting, I’ve learned that when it comes to children’s birthday parties, something that should be an enjoyable experience can often be quite stressful for the parent(s) organizing. So make sure to be polite and give common courtesy by RSVPing on time, attending the party on time and remembering that the day is about a child who just wants to celebrate and have fun with their friends. So leave the drama at home!”

We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation below, pandas. Have you ever thrown or attended a birthday party where guests behaved like this? Feel free to weigh in, and then, you can check out another Bored Panda article discussing birthday party drama right here.

Readers agreed that the guests displayed terrible behavior, and the parent joined in on the conversation to share more details

Some even shared similar stories of their own and advice for the parent’s next party

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