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Mom Agrees To Hide All Photos Of Her Son Pre-Transition Except For One, Gets Called Cruel
Interview With Expert
Transitioning is an undeniably difficult journey for everyone involved. For the transgender person, it involves the emotional and social hurdles of coming out, potentially facing rejection, and navigating medical and emotional challenges. For family members, it can be equally challenging, requiring them to adjust to a new reality and the changes it brings.
Our story today explores a situation where a mother grapples with these complexities. While she embraces her son’s transition, she struggles to let go of a cherished photo that represents a happy memory, yet also includes her son’s deadname.
More info: Reddit
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Striking a balance between honoring cherished memories and respecting a child’s evolving identity can be quite delicate
Image credits: Lawrence Crayton(not the actual photo)
The author struggles to balance cherishing a photo from happier times with her son’s discomfort over it
Image credits: Delia Giandeini (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Gabriel Cox (not the actual photo)
The source of tension in the photo is a tattoo of the author’s son’s deadname on his deceased father’s arm
Image Credit: u/No_Explanation_107
While the poster treasures the photo, her son, on the other hand, is upset with her for keeping it
The Original Poster (OP) is navigating a delicate situation involving cherished memories and a transgender son’s evolving identity. She finds herself caught between honoring her late husband’s memory, embodied in a tattoo of her son’s birth name, and respecting her now 19-year-old son Ben’s desire to fully embrace his male identity.
Ben, born female, transitioned to male at 16 (FtM). While his parents initially struggled with their son’s transition, his dad eventually embraced it. Sadly, he passed away in an accident before Ben fully transitioned. This loss further strained the relationship between the author and Ben.
The crux of the issue lies in a cherished family photo from the beach, taken when Ben was a toddler. The photo, which the OP deeply values as a happy memory, features Tom sporting a tattoo with Ben’s birth name. Ben, however, is deeply uncomfortable with the picture, finding the tattoo a constant reminder of his deadname. He has requested the photo be removed, but the OP hesitates, torn between respecting her son’s feelings and preserving a memory of her deceased husband.
Image credits: LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR (not the actual photo)
For those a bit puzzled about the concept of deadnames – it refers to the name a transgender or non-binary person was given at birth but no longer uses because it doesn’t reflect their gender identity. It’s essentially a name that is considered “dead” to them.
While no easy solution exists, communication and empathy are crucial. Ben’s discomfort with the photo is valid, as deadnaming can have a significant negative impact on a transgender person’s mental health. The author’s desire to hold onto the memory is also understandable.
To gain a deeper perspective, Bored Panda reached out to The Initiative for Equal Rights (TIERs), a Nigerian-based organization advocating for LGBTQI+ rights. Their therapist, Sheriff, emphasizes the importance of shared responsibility in navigating this situation. “It’s a two-way street,” Sheriff explains. “While parents need to adjust and support their child’s transition, the child should also acknowledge the parents’ emotional journey.”
The expert noted that open communication is important. Discussing feelings and perspectives can lead to creative solutions like editing the photo or finding a less prominent location for display. “The child’s discomfort with the photo is valid. Respecting their boundaries fosters trust and strengthens the relationship.”
Finally, Sheriff emphasizes the importance of professional help for both parents and the child during a transition. Therapists can offer invaluable guidance in navigating the emotional complexities involved and fostering open communication within the family. An objective therapist can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings without judgment, something that may be difficult within family dynamics where emotions can run high.
What are your thoughts? Is the poster justified for keeping the photo? Share in the comments below!
Redditors discussed their thoughts and though many said that the poster was not the jerk, they did understand the sentiments behind it
What do you think ?
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 9 months ago (edited)
NTA. Its incredibly selfish to demand of the OP to throw away photos of her husband for no reason. No one is calling him by that old name or anything like it from the sounds of things. Its just childish behavior and Ben needs to understand its not about him, grow up.
Zedrapazia 9 months ago
I've sent this article to a friend of mine who is trans, and she said that she believes that you have to accept your past self if you want to be happy with your future self. I think that's a really good mantra to live by in such a life situation. Her family still has a bunch of photos where she was male presenting on, and she doesn't care a lot because it was a phase of her life and the pictures mean no harm to her, they simply reminiscent of happy days in the past.
Load More Replies...
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 9 months ago
NAH. He is just being a teenage boy, and with that comes black or white thinking. That his dad passed away before his transition is just the reality. He can mourn that too, if he needs to, maybe with a therapist. I will say that I have pictures of my nephew displayed post transition, with the exception of the first time I held him. In the pic, he is wearing a pink onesie. The pic is about the time I first held him, its no ones fault that he was labelled a girl then.
Michelle C 9 months ago
NTA...Ben can start calling the shots when he gets his own place. His mom has been more than supportive by hiding all other photos but he needs to understand that she is grieving and because he is changing that doesn't mean the world needs to change with him.
Jaya 9 months ago
To be honest, I strongly doubt that he feels supported. She was very unsupportive at first, and only came around when her husband died. That might make him feel that she doesn't actually accept him at all, but that she just pretends to be supportive because she misses their connection or feels too lonely after her husband's death. And like they say "it takes a hundred I-accept-you's to undo one you-are-not-okay", so even if she is supportive now, he may not fully believe it yet.
Load More Replies... trollingergirl 9 months ago (edited)
You can not erase your past. In this case: he had a life before this one. That's simply part of his life. Don't erase tattoos in photos. That would be like changing history. Or like alternative facts. And nobody wants that. Seriously.
Fathom 9 months ago
NTA. I am most definitely FTM and will hopefully transition, but I wouldn’t care what my photos my parents posted(unless I look ridiculous in them 😑) there still memories, I mean no offense what so ever, but she cant keep the one photo that means so much to her up? I really don’t get it.
Jesha 9 months ago
I'm guessing it is more about losing his dad and not being sure if his dad accepted him before he died. OP even said that dad was struggling. Definitely see about getting it airbrushed though 'cause that's not terribly expensive. Hell, I'll do it. It's hard to be a teenager who is different who has had to see his parents struggle in accepting him. Plus you can't expect a child to have the adult ability to explain the why of his suffering.
tee-lena 9 months ago
This right here. He's still a child and has a child's understanding. NAH. It'll take time for him to feel safe in his identity. I'd do what others have said, put it in her bedroom. I do hope they get there though
Load More Replies...
michelle s 9 months ago (edited)
I can understand how there are raw emotions on both sides if the fence here. I wonder whether the OP would consider moving it into their bedroom to hold pride of place. Others may say I'm suggesting hiding it away but I think having it in a position where the OP can see it and remember the good times with her husband and their child in the past from the comfort of her bed. That us special
Zuzanna2002 Czarnota 7 months ago
She could put it inside her bedroom, that seems like an easy solution
Smiley MG 9 months ago
Op is NTA. Op gave birth to a child, and at the time the photo was taken it was a real thing. As a mother who nurtured a child in her body, she has every right to keep the memory of that child, atleast of that time when said child was completely dependent on mom. Because its not just any other task being a mom. It's unique in itself. And so are the photoes. The child can decide for themselves when they are independent but for a mother, every memory of their child is an undeniable right of ownership. No ifs no buts.
Jaya 9 months ago
NAH. I wonder if it's really about the picture, it could be that he just still feels not completely accepted by mom, and the picture is just a symbol of that for him. It takes A LOT of support to undo the feeling of unacceptance in the earlier years, he might still feel unaccepted, and may see the picture as proof that she just doesn't care. I get why she needs the picture, a 100%, but I also understand him: In his eyes she is portraying a picture of something traumatic in his life, similar to if the only picture of their family was one in which a child happens to have visible scars from a traumatic injury, he might think "She doesn't even care about how painful it is for me, why does she HAVE to shove a picture with my deadname in my face?" He'd be wrong, but given their history that is very understandable for him to think. It sounds like she only started accepting him because she misses their connection, which might make him feel that she still disagrees with his identity.
Roan The Demon Kitty 9 months ago (edited)
NAH, honestly. OP shouldn't be forced to throw away photos, and if no one is calling the son by his deadname, then let it be dead to him, it's just letters, a word. I changed my name to Roan to be more gender neutral, but I still have plenty of love and pride for my feminine legal name, I still laugh at the fact it was mispronounced so often, even. Though I suppose it can differ depending on a persons feelings, so I'm not going to call the son an AH either. But surely this is an easy fix... scan the picture, edit out the tattoo, print the edited version to hang back up? Also, OP needs to talk with their son - if the dad has passed away, maybe there's more to it than just the name, and perhaps Ben wonders if he would have been accepted by his dad, etc?
Jaya 9 months ago
I was also thinking that maybe there's a way to hide the name, in a way that makes the picture still look nice. Like putting a little heart sticker on top of it (or put a glass layer in front of it first, so it doesn't damage the picture itself). Or if the name is somewhere close to the side of the picture, put an old love note from the husband next to the picture and let it overlap the part with the name, or stick some dried flowers or fake flowers in front of it.
Load More Replies...
zovjraar me 9 months ago
i don't know, if she was willing to put the picture in a photo album or maybe in her bedroom, that would be a good compromise? then ben doesn't have to worry about anyone seeing the tattoo and asking about it.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 9 months ago (edited)
NTA. Its incredibly selfish to demand of the OP to throw away photos of her husband for no reason. No one is calling him by that old name or anything like it from the sounds of things. Its just childish behavior and Ben needs to understand its not about him, grow up.
Zedrapazia 9 months ago
I've sent this article to a friend of mine who is trans, and she said that she believes that you have to accept your past self if you want to be happy with your future self. I think that's a really good mantra to live by in such a life situation. Her family still has a bunch of photos where she was male presenting on, and she doesn't care a lot because it was a phase of her life and the pictures mean no harm to her, they simply reminiscent of happy days in the past.
Load More Replies... Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 9 months ago
NAH. He is just being a teenage boy, and with that comes black or white thinking. That his dad passed away before his transition is just the reality. He can mourn that too, if he needs to, maybe with a therapist. I will say that I have pictures of my nephew displayed post transition, with the exception of the first time I held him. In the pic, he is wearing a pink onesie. The pic is about the time I first held him, its no ones fault that he was labelled a girl then.
Michelle C 9 months ago
NTA...Ben can start calling the shots when he gets his own place. His mom has been more than supportive by hiding all other photos but he needs to understand that she is grieving and because he is changing that doesn't mean the world needs to change with him.
Jaya 9 months ago
To be honest, I strongly doubt that he feels supported. She was very unsupportive at first, and only came around when her husband died. That might make him feel that she doesn't actually accept him at all, but that she just pretends to be supportive because she misses their connection or feels too lonely after her husband's death. And like they say "it takes a hundred I-accept-you's to undo one you-are-not-okay", so even if she is supportive now, he may not fully believe it yet.
Load More Replies... trollingergirl 9 months ago (edited)
You can not erase your past. In this case: he had a life before this one. That's simply part of his life. Don't erase tattoos in photos. That would be like changing history. Or like alternative facts. And nobody wants that. Seriously.
Fathom 9 months ago
NTA. I am most definitely FTM and will hopefully transition, but I wouldn’t care what my photos my parents posted(unless I look ridiculous in them 😑) there still memories, I mean no offense what so ever, but she cant keep the one photo that means so much to her up? I really don’t get it.
Jesha 9 months ago
I'm guessing it is more about losing his dad and not being sure if his dad accepted him before he died. OP even said that dad was struggling. Definitely see about getting it airbrushed though 'cause that's not terribly expensive. Hell, I'll do it. It's hard to be a teenager who is different who has had to see his parents struggle in accepting him. Plus you can't expect a child to have the adult ability to explain the why of his suffering.
tee-lena 9 months ago
This right here. He's still a child and has a child's understanding. NAH. It'll take time for him to feel safe in his identity. I'd do what others have said, put it in her bedroom. I do hope they get there though
Load More Replies... michelle s 9 months ago (edited)
I can understand how there are raw emotions on both sides if the fence here. I wonder whether the OP would consider moving it into their bedroom to hold pride of place. Others may say I'm suggesting hiding it away but I think having it in a position where the OP can see it and remember the good times with her husband and their child in the past from the comfort of her bed. That us special
Zuzanna2002 Czarnota 7 months ago
She could put it inside her bedroom, that seems like an easy solution
Smiley MG 9 months ago
Op is NTA. Op gave birth to a child, and at the time the photo was taken it was a real thing. As a mother who nurtured a child in her body, she has every right to keep the memory of that child, atleast of that time when said child was completely dependent on mom. Because its not just any other task being a mom. It's unique in itself. And so are the photoes. The child can decide for themselves when they are independent but for a mother, every memory of their child is an undeniable right of ownership. No ifs no buts.
Jaya 9 months ago
NAH. I wonder if it's really about the picture, it could be that he just still feels not completely accepted by mom, and the picture is just a symbol of that for him. It takes A LOT of support to undo the feeling of unacceptance in the earlier years, he might still feel unaccepted, and may see the picture as proof that she just doesn't care. I get why she needs the picture, a 100%, but I also understand him: In his eyes she is portraying a picture of something traumatic in his life, similar to if the only picture of their family was one in which a child happens to have visible scars from a traumatic injury, he might think "She doesn't even care about how painful it is for me, why does she HAVE to shove a picture with my deadname in my face?" He'd be wrong, but given their history that is very understandable for him to think. It sounds like she only started accepting him because she misses their connection, which might make him feel that she still disagrees with his identity.
Roan The Demon Kitty 9 months ago (edited)
NAH, honestly. OP shouldn't be forced to throw away photos, and if no one is calling the son by his deadname, then let it be dead to him, it's just letters, a word. I changed my name to Roan to be more gender neutral, but I still have plenty of love and pride for my feminine legal name, I still laugh at the fact it was mispronounced so often, even. Though I suppose it can differ depending on a persons feelings, so I'm not going to call the son an AH either. But surely this is an easy fix... scan the picture, edit out the tattoo, print the edited version to hang back up? Also, OP needs to talk with their son - if the dad has passed away, maybe there's more to it than just the name, and perhaps Ben wonders if he would have been accepted by his dad, etc?
Jaya 9 months ago
I was also thinking that maybe there's a way to hide the name, in a way that makes the picture still look nice. Like putting a little heart sticker on top of it (or put a glass layer in front of it first, so it doesn't damage the picture itself). Or if the name is somewhere close to the side of the picture, put an old love note from the husband next to the picture and let it overlap the part with the name, or stick some dried flowers or fake flowers in front of it.
Load More Replies... zovjraar me 9 months ago
i don't know, if she was willing to put the picture in a photo album or maybe in her bedroom, that would be a good compromise? then ben doesn't have to worry about anyone seeing the tattoo and asking about it.
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