Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
88
Mom Agrees To Hide All Photos Of Her Son Pre-Transition Except For One, Gets Called Cruel
Interview With Expert
Transitioning is an undeniably difficult journey for everyone involved. For the transgender person, it involves the emotional and social hurdles of coming out, potentially facing rejection, and navigating medical and emotional challenges. For family members, it can be equally challenging, requiring them to adjust to a new reality and the changes it brings.
Our story today explores a situation where a mother grapples with these complexities. While she embraces her son’s transition, she struggles to let go of a cherished photo that represents a happy memory, yet also includes her son’s deadname.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Striking a balance between honoring cherished memories and respecting a child’s evolving identity can be quite delicate
Image credits: Lawrence Crayton(not the actual photo)
The author struggles to balance cherishing a photo from happier times with her son’s discomfort over it
Image credits: Delia Giandeini (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Gabriel Cox (not the actual photo)
The source of tension in the photo is a tattoo of the author’s son’s deadname on his deceased father’s arm
Image Credit: u/No_Explanation_107
While the poster treasures the photo, her son, on the other hand, is upset with her for keeping it
The Original Poster (OP) is navigating a delicate situation involving cherished memories and a transgender son’s evolving identity. She finds herself caught between honoring her late husband’s memory, embodied in a tattoo of her son’s birth name, and respecting her now 19-year-old son Ben’s desire to fully embrace his male identity.
Ben, born female, transitioned to male at 16 (FtM). While his parents initially struggled with their son’s transition, his dad eventually embraced it. Sadly, he passed away in an accident before Ben fully transitioned. This loss further strained the relationship between the author and Ben.
The crux of the issue lies in a cherished family photo from the beach, taken when Ben was a toddler. The photo, which the OP deeply values as a happy memory, features Tom sporting a tattoo with Ben’s birth name. Ben, however, is deeply uncomfortable with the picture, finding the tattoo a constant reminder of his deadname. He has requested the photo be removed, but the OP hesitates, torn between respecting her son’s feelings and preserving a memory of her deceased husband.
Image credits: LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR (not the actual photo)
For those a bit puzzled about the concept of deadnames – it refers to the name a transgender or non-binary person was given at birth but no longer uses because it doesn’t reflect their gender identity. It’s essentially a name that is considered “dead” to them.
While no easy solution exists, communication and empathy are crucial. Ben’s discomfort with the photo is valid, as deadnaming can have a significant negative impact on a transgender person’s mental health. The author’s desire to hold onto the memory is also understandable.
To gain a deeper perspective, Bored Panda reached out to The Initiative for Equal Rights (TIERs), a Nigerian-based organization advocating for LGBTQI+ rights. Their therapist, Sheriff, emphasizes the importance of shared responsibility in navigating this situation. “It’s a two-way street,” Sheriff explains. “While parents need to adjust and support their child’s transition, the child should also acknowledge the parents’ emotional journey.”
The expert noted that open communication is important. Discussing feelings and perspectives can lead to creative solutions like editing the photo or finding a less prominent location for display. “The child’s discomfort with the photo is valid. Respecting their boundaries fosters trust and strengthens the relationship.”
Finally, Sheriff emphasizes the importance of professional help for both parents and the child during a transition. Therapists can offer invaluable guidance in navigating the emotional complexities involved and fostering open communication within the family. An objective therapist can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings without judgment, something that may be difficult within family dynamics where emotions can run high.
What are your thoughts? Is the poster justified for keeping the photo? Share in the comments below!
Redditors discussed their thoughts and though many said that the poster was not the jerk, they did understand the sentiments behind it
What do you think ?
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 9 months ago (edited)
NTA. Its incredibly selfish to demand of the OP to throw away photos of her husband for no reason. No one is calling him by that old name or anything like it from the sounds of things. Its just childish behavior and Ben needs to understand its not about him, grow up.
Zedrapazia 9 months ago
I've sent this article to a friend of mine who is trans, and she said that she believes that you have to accept your past self if you want to be happy with your future self. I think that's a really good mantra to live by in such a life situation. Her family still has a bunch of photos where she was male presenting on, and she doesn't care a lot because it was a phase of her life and the pictures mean no harm to her, they simply reminiscent of happy days in the past.
Load More Replies...
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 9 months ago
NAH. He is just being a teenage boy, and with that comes black or white thinking. That his dad passed away before his transition is just the reality. He can mourn that too, if he needs to, maybe with a therapist. I will say that I have pictures of my nephew displayed post transition, with the exception of the first time I held him. In the pic, he is wearing a pink onesie. The pic is about the time I first held him, its no ones fault that he was labelled a girl then.
Fox with a Dragon Tattoo 9 months ago (edited)
NTA. Its incredibly selfish to demand of the OP to throw away photos of her husband for no reason. No one is calling him by that old name or anything like it from the sounds of things. Its just childish behavior and Ben needs to understand its not about him, grow up.
Zedrapazia 9 months ago
I've sent this article to a friend of mine who is trans, and she said that she believes that you have to accept your past self if you want to be happy with your future self. I think that's a really good mantra to live by in such a life situation. Her family still has a bunch of photos where she was male presenting on, and she doesn't care a lot because it was a phase of her life and the pictures mean no harm to her, they simply reminiscent of happy days in the past.
Load More Replies... Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 9 months ago
NAH. He is just being a teenage boy, and with that comes black or white thinking. That his dad passed away before his transition is just the reality. He can mourn that too, if he needs to, maybe with a therapist. I will say that I have pictures of my nephew displayed post transition, with the exception of the first time I held him. In the pic, he is wearing a pink onesie. The pic is about the time I first held him, its no ones fault that he was labelled a girl then.
Related on Bored Panda
21
29