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Mom Keeps Shaming Woman With Chronic Pain Smile, She Refuses To Be Part Of Family Dinner
Vacations are usually fun. They are supposed to be about making memories with family or friends, leaving you with feelings of bliss. But what happens when going on vacation leaves the door open for unsolicited comments from family?
Today’s Original Poster (OP) found herself in the same predicament when her mom decided to make it all about one thing— her smile. What should have been a fun time during the family vacation ended in tears as the OP decided she’d had enough.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
It’s one thing to receive an unsolicited comment once, it’s another to hear it repeatedly— so sometimes, you just have to leave the picture
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author has struggled with chronic pain for the longest time and doesn’t necessarily get along great with her mother
Image credits: Chickens_n_Kittens
Image credits: Drazen Zigic / Freepik (not the actual photo)
At a family dinner, she posed for a picture with her husband and kids, but the author’s mother began to make comments about her smile being awful
Image credits: Chickens_n_Kittens
Image credits: Askar Abayev / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Her mother did not relent on the comments, so the author decided she’d had enough and left the family gathering in angry tears
Image credits: Chickens_n_Kittens
She felt bad for storming off and leaving her husband and kids, so she began to wonder if she was wrong for leaving angrily
The OP set the stage; she was on vacation with her husband, kids, and parents. However, she also provided some context by sharing that she and her mom have a weird dynamic, with her dad noting they are “like oil and water”.
They were out for the first family dinner and the OP asked her father to take a picture of her with her husband and kids. As the family posed for the photo, the OP tried her best to smile despite the constant physical pain she has to endure.
But when she thought everything was fine, her mom spoke up, insisting that her smile was “horrible.” Rather than let the moment go, the mom made it worse, demonstrating how the OP’s face supposedly looked as if she was pulling her own face into exaggerated expressions.
Her smile wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t as bad as her mom made it seem. The OP’s frustration wasn’t just about the photo, though. It was the accumulation of years her mom had spent downplaying her pain.
It isn’t small pain. It’s pain that has taken her career and energy. Yet her mom has constantly minimized the seriousness of the illness, acting as if it was no worse than a mild headache.
After being criticized about her smile, she decided she didn’t want to be in the pictures anymore; however, that wasn’t the end. The OP’s mom followed her, justifying herself and insisting that her smile had indeed been awful.
The OP couldn’t take it anymore. She decided she was done with dinner as well and told her husband and kids that she was leaving before retreating to her room in tears. She felt guilty for ruining the family dinner, but after everything—her pain, her mom’s constant undermining—she was emotionally drained.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Emotional abuse can be often difficult to recognize, especially when it comes to parents with their kids. However, Parenting For Brain just might declare the OP’s mother’s actions emotional abuse.
According to them, emotional abuse by parents includes harmful behaviors like verbal abuse, shaming, belittling and ridiculing (or public humiliation), often leading to lasting emotional and physical effects.
This abuse can typically result in “low self-esteem, emotional instability, withdrawal, pessimism about the future, self-directed anger or self-blame”. They go further to state that it can even lead to poor physical health like having irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia or chronic pain.
Could it be mere coincidence that the OP seems to have battled chronic pain for the most part of her life, then? Given her mother’s dismissive attitude towards her and her condition, it’s not far-fetched.
According to Augusta Pain Center, chronic pain is not only physically debilitating but also severely impacts mental health, contributing to conditions like depression. Based on research by the National Health Institute, “people with chronic pain are three times more likely to develop depression”.
Fortunately, there are treatments that are proven to be effective. Therapies including medication can change the brain structures that could have been physically impacted by chronic pain.
Netizens rallied around the OP, affirming that she did nothing wrong by walking away. Rather, they described her mother as “needy and narcissistic”, stating that her actions were harmful and uncalled for.
Many also advised her to set boundaries and prioritize her well-being, recommending that she distance herself from her mother and avoid joint vacations in the future as it would be better for her mental health.
How would you have reacted in this situation? Do you think the OP should have walked away or let it slide? We would love to hear your thoughts!
Netizens labeled the author’s mother’s behavior as toxic and urged the author to establish boundaries for her own well-being
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What do you think ?
Otto Katz 1 week ago
My dad was like that my whole life. "Go wash your face, it's dirty. You're gonna walk down the aisle in the church with a dirty face?" on and on he'd go, and I had no idea what he was talking about, until I realized he was complaining about a scar I got when I was a little kid sledding. He'd tell me to "Go brush your crowbars", I needed braces for my teeth, I had buck teeth. When I got a concussion at his house as a 55 year old adult, instead of asking me if I was ok, he yelled at me to watch where I was walking. I finally went NC when I was 65, and he was 94. OP, don't wait as long as I did. Free yourself now, and go Low, or No contact now. Life will be better.
Michael MacKinnon 1 week ago
Tell. Her. Off. It sounds like people have put up with (i.e., enabled) this behaviour for far too long. Tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and THEN go low contact. It seems that people default to the "NC" option immediately without ever telling the person that their behaviour is unacceptable.
WindySwede 1 week ago
Sometimes they would not understand and be "I have no idea why they are not in touch anymore", so sometimes not possible. But you must decide for your own how to handle it. 😕👍
Load More Replies... TribbleThinking 1 week ago
I've upvoted everyone here. In between the outrage, it's such a comfort to know that others can recognise this horrible self serving attention seeking behaviour. I previously spent decades being shut down by people if I even tried to start describing my mother's antics, being told "Buuuut she's your MUH-THUH!", oddly usually with that exact inflection.
Janelle Collard 1 week ago
Right? It's like they expect "family" to have "Overlook the a**h*ly-ness of your family" cards!
Load More Replies...
Janelle Collard 1 week ago
"Oh, sorry, Mom. That's my 'I figured out how to kill you in your sleep + get away with it' smile." Boom!
LonelyLittleLeafSheep 1 week ago
"Mom, you need to shut the f**k up right now or our relationship is over." Side note: I am fully NC with my toxic, judgemental, holier-than-thou family.
Jocelyn Webster 1 week ago
OP I feel this right now in my bones. My family(extended included) have always looked down on my sister and I. More so now as I am an almost 40 y/o single female. Too fat, you're not in pain, etc. I could go on. So I'm sorry and I feel for you. My heart completely. I hope that you decide what's best for you, and possible no contact.
AKA AKA 1 week ago (edited)
why do people ask if they are TA when they are so so clearly not! on the other hand... MIL needs a good kick up the pants
person (i think) 1 week ago
Because they have often had a lifetime of being told they are the problem or that a parent being an a*****e is normal and acceptable, etc, so it is ingrained. They cannot see the truth of the situation
Load More Replies...
Anikulapo 1 week ago
So the husband gathered the kids and walked out with her obviously ,right?
Surly Scot 1 week ago
Cut her out of your life, she's mentally unwell and desperate for attention so much she'll be nasty to other people, including her own family, to get it. Tell dad he needs to get mom into therapy and go no contact with her, only text/talk/email dad. Until she can be nice, she's no one's mother.
Kristen Sharp 1 week ago
On this, I understand. I had a car accident in 2001 and I remember everything that the doctor said, despite the mind and body numbing d***s (I think I broke everything except my neck and right arm) the doc said down the road, you're going to have arthritis. I waved it off because... just leave me alone to sleep the pain away! Well, she was 110% right. I have pains in places I didn't think I could have pain in. Some days even smiling hurts... but it's a mask I have to wear daily so I don't get this 20+ times a day... "What's wrong? Don't feel good?" Yadda, yadda, yadda!
Sarah Léon 1 week ago
My mom was nice but sometimes she had those little comments on my appearance. It never touched me more than that (thank you Autism !) but each time she did (I repeat, it was not so often), I always answered "I'm what you made me, Mommy, and I'm half you, half the man you loved". One day when I had forgotten my sweater at the arcades and she went to take it back, the cashier saw her and give her the sweater before she could say anything. She asked him how he knew who she was and he said "your daughter is exactly like you !". She totally stopped that very day !
Petra Peitsch 1 week ago
Oh, here we are again ... Mother is the your-usual-narcissistic-pain.in-the-a.ss. Op has two ways: 1. Cut her out permanently. 2. Petty revenge. Telling her with a big smile on your face and a kind voice, what's your matter with her. In this case. "Sure mom, you have right, please come over, and show me exactly, what you meant." "Oh, your smille is not quite right, just take a closer look!" If you can't or won't cut them off from your life, the best revenge on narcissist arseholes to fight them with their own techniques. It will draw them crazy. Yeaps, they will be still crazy, but you'll have your pretty revenge.
Clare Moore 6 days ago
I have multiple disabilities one of them is a chronic pain condition. My sister turned her back on me earlier this year cause I couldn't do something for one day due to this and . Walk away now, the stress will. Make things worse.
Dodo (they/them) 6 days ago
Oh God, this sounds exactly like my mother. She *knows* I have diagnosed anxiety, she knows I'm trying to fix it. And yet she can't help herself from needling all the time, pointing out things that I don't need to begin worrying about. Apparently I have small teeth and small elbows. (This is the nicest part of her behaviour, but it's the part that aligns best with this article)
Lisette Verkade 1 week ago
I hope OP read’s this, has your doctor considered that your chronic pain might be psychosomatic? Maybe even because of your mother? Take care and NTA.
Anna Drever 1 week ago
I’d be no contact if it was my mother. I sympathise with OP as I live with fibromyalgia and you’re never without pain. Not saying this is necessarily what OP has. My parents while a bit clueless about it wouldn’t pull this kind of cr@p. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Ruth Watry 1 week ago
If the kids ask about it, talk to them about bullying, and that were lucky that you were able to walk away from your bully. Let them know that it is OK for them to love grandma, but that they have to realize that her behavior is not OK, and that if she starts bullying them, she needs to tell you or your husband. If you still want to see your dad, see if he can visit you and the kids and leave her at home.
Tonyah Mcanelly 1 week ago
I dont Blame her at all I can relate. I hate getting yelled at or approached aggressively in public. I had a co worker who would yell at me and berate me infront of the entire office . I needed her to to cover my desk while i went to a mandatory meeting she would question me as to why i waited until the last meeting to go. I told her its none of her business and She followed me into the boss's office they had a long discussion I was so mad I left the office then she went off on everyone else and then she magically "resigned" .
Mary Allan 1 week ago
I votedthat she shoulld have addressed the issue differently. She should have called her mum on her bull and told her to shut up or get lost. Keep the toxic b***h away from her and her family going forward.
Otto Katz 1 week ago
My dad was like that my whole life. "Go wash your face, it's dirty. You're gonna walk down the aisle in the church with a dirty face?" on and on he'd go, and I had no idea what he was talking about, until I realized he was complaining about a scar I got when I was a little kid sledding. He'd tell me to "Go brush your crowbars", I needed braces for my teeth, I had buck teeth. When I got a concussion at his house as a 55 year old adult, instead of asking me if I was ok, he yelled at me to watch where I was walking. I finally went NC when I was 65, and he was 94. OP, don't wait as long as I did. Free yourself now, and go Low, or No contact now. Life will be better.
Michael MacKinnon 1 week ago
Tell. Her. Off. It sounds like people have put up with (i.e., enabled) this behaviour for far too long. Tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, and THEN go low contact. It seems that people default to the "NC" option immediately without ever telling the person that their behaviour is unacceptable.
WindySwede 1 week ago
Sometimes they would not understand and be "I have no idea why they are not in touch anymore", so sometimes not possible. But you must decide for your own how to handle it. 😕👍
Load More Replies... TribbleThinking 1 week ago
I've upvoted everyone here. In between the outrage, it's such a comfort to know that others can recognise this horrible self serving attention seeking behaviour. I previously spent decades being shut down by people if I even tried to start describing my mother's antics, being told "Buuuut she's your MUH-THUH!", oddly usually with that exact inflection.
Janelle Collard 1 week ago
Right? It's like they expect "family" to have "Overlook the a**h*ly-ness of your family" cards!
Load More Replies... Janelle Collard 1 week ago
"Oh, sorry, Mom. That's my 'I figured out how to kill you in your sleep + get away with it' smile." Boom!
LonelyLittleLeafSheep 1 week ago
"Mom, you need to shut the f**k up right now or our relationship is over." Side note: I am fully NC with my toxic, judgemental, holier-than-thou family.
Jocelyn Webster 1 week ago
OP I feel this right now in my bones. My family(extended included) have always looked down on my sister and I. More so now as I am an almost 40 y/o single female. Too fat, you're not in pain, etc. I could go on. So I'm sorry and I feel for you. My heart completely. I hope that you decide what's best for you, and possible no contact.
AKA AKA 1 week ago (edited)
why do people ask if they are TA when they are so so clearly not! on the other hand... MIL needs a good kick up the pants
person (i think) 1 week ago
Because they have often had a lifetime of being told they are the problem or that a parent being an a*****e is normal and acceptable, etc, so it is ingrained. They cannot see the truth of the situation
Load More Replies... Anikulapo 1 week ago
So the husband gathered the kids and walked out with her obviously ,right?
Surly Scot 1 week ago
Cut her out of your life, she's mentally unwell and desperate for attention so much she'll be nasty to other people, including her own family, to get it. Tell dad he needs to get mom into therapy and go no contact with her, only text/talk/email dad. Until she can be nice, she's no one's mother.
Kristen Sharp 1 week ago
On this, I understand. I had a car accident in 2001 and I remember everything that the doctor said, despite the mind and body numbing d***s (I think I broke everything except my neck and right arm) the doc said down the road, you're going to have arthritis. I waved it off because... just leave me alone to sleep the pain away! Well, she was 110% right. I have pains in places I didn't think I could have pain in. Some days even smiling hurts... but it's a mask I have to wear daily so I don't get this 20+ times a day... "What's wrong? Don't feel good?" Yadda, yadda, yadda!
Sarah Léon 1 week ago
My mom was nice but sometimes she had those little comments on my appearance. It never touched me more than that (thank you Autism !) but each time she did (I repeat, it was not so often), I always answered "I'm what you made me, Mommy, and I'm half you, half the man you loved". One day when I had forgotten my sweater at the arcades and she went to take it back, the cashier saw her and give her the sweater before she could say anything. She asked him how he knew who she was and he said "your daughter is exactly like you !". She totally stopped that very day !
Petra Peitsch 1 week ago
Oh, here we are again ... Mother is the your-usual-narcissistic-pain.in-the-a.ss. Op has two ways: 1. Cut her out permanently. 2. Petty revenge. Telling her with a big smile on your face and a kind voice, what's your matter with her. In this case. "Sure mom, you have right, please come over, and show me exactly, what you meant." "Oh, your smille is not quite right, just take a closer look!" If you can't or won't cut them off from your life, the best revenge on narcissist arseholes to fight them with their own techniques. It will draw them crazy. Yeaps, they will be still crazy, but you'll have your pretty revenge.
Clare Moore 6 days ago
I have multiple disabilities one of them is a chronic pain condition. My sister turned her back on me earlier this year cause I couldn't do something for one day due to this and . Walk away now, the stress will. Make things worse.
Dodo (they/them) 6 days ago
Oh God, this sounds exactly like my mother. She *knows* I have diagnosed anxiety, she knows I'm trying to fix it. And yet she can't help herself from needling all the time, pointing out things that I don't need to begin worrying about. Apparently I have small teeth and small elbows. (This is the nicest part of her behaviour, but it's the part that aligns best with this article)
Lisette Verkade 1 week ago
I hope OP read’s this, has your doctor considered that your chronic pain might be psychosomatic? Maybe even because of your mother? Take care and NTA.
Anna Drever 1 week ago
I’d be no contact if it was my mother. I sympathise with OP as I live with fibromyalgia and you’re never without pain. Not saying this is necessarily what OP has. My parents while a bit clueless about it wouldn’t pull this kind of cr@p. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Ruth Watry 1 week ago
If the kids ask about it, talk to them about bullying, and that were lucky that you were able to walk away from your bully. Let them know that it is OK for them to love grandma, but that they have to realize that her behavior is not OK, and that if she starts bullying them, she needs to tell you or your husband. If you still want to see your dad, see if he can visit you and the kids and leave her at home.
Tonyah Mcanelly 1 week ago
I dont Blame her at all I can relate. I hate getting yelled at or approached aggressively in public. I had a co worker who would yell at me and berate me infront of the entire office . I needed her to to cover my desk while i went to a mandatory meeting she would question me as to why i waited until the last meeting to go. I told her its none of her business and She followed me into the boss's office they had a long discussion I was so mad I left the office then she went off on everyone else and then she magically "resigned" .
Mary Allan 1 week ago
I votedthat she shoulld have addressed the issue differently. She should have called her mum on her bull and told her to shut up or get lost. Keep the toxic b***h away from her and her family going forward.
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