You are forgetting one fact of life, you can not earn the respect of or reason with crazy.

Angel, did you read the post? Did you read about dear mother's behavior? Doubt that she will respect anything. Op saved everyone the stress by not telling mama.

@ Mrs. Pugh I have a mother like that, not with the same points but same controlling behaviour in other points. And I did earn her respect by being honest and standing my ground. Do we have a healthy relationship? Absolutely not. But no more drama, no more attempts to push me anywhere because she knows perfectly well there is zero chance I'd put up with it. And actually she now is the one who's avoiding conflict because she know it'll not go her way. We have mutual respect for each other, we talk and meet sometimes. She's my mother that did her best to raise me in hard times after all, unfortunately what she thought the best was turned out to be wrong and she's too old and not strong enough to admit to it, I can life with that just as she can life with accepting that with me thing's don't go her way. And yes, this was years of hard work on my part.

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Or more that he hasn't even put a RING on it for people who just do not like to see their daughters taken advantage of as I know a lot like this who are not religious but just have high standards. They don't want that dynamic displayed to the younger daughters either. Momma bears be like this in certain parts of US...👏 from Houston moms out there I know

She will have this problem until she puts a stop to it. I have been thru this. She needs to be firm and honest. If that doesn't work, ignoring them 'till they get the point works too.

So you lie to avoid a shorter, intense and hard confrontation and the price you pay are life long struggles. Or you stand your ground, which means you neither attack nor run away but stay true to yourself. Go trough the tough s**t that this is once (which can be a years long conflict and self development) and have peace for the rest of your life. Been there, done it all, the avoiding, running away for a short time of peace, and in the end realising I have to grow up or it will never end. Life is so much better now.

Honestly? Its not on her to grow up, she did the best she knows to do to not have to deal with her mom, her mom is childish, she should grow up!

Wait a second... Did I read that right? Are you the opinion that if you act like a child as an adult it's not your responsibility to evolve but everybody else should adapt to your shortcomings?

No you are incorrect

It is, and she knows it deep down, otherwise she wouldn't be looking to AITA for validation.

Amen!

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Spoken like someone with experience who grew out of old patterns and did the hard work to get to a better place and this OP and some commenters need to choose authentic and transparent way even though it is harder it is healthier and more honorable and doesn't bleed negatively into other parts of your life...thanks for pointing it out with first hand account. Honesty is best policy for your own self and integrity and well being and that is main reason to do it. Love yourself enough to do the right thing to help you in the long run instead of playing games that continue the drama. You are wise and hope OP gets good advice like yours and takes it as she is getting it from both sides, her BF, not even Fiance, is similar to her mom and being controlling and encouraging her to deceive and choose passive aggressive way so he is not good influence and sounds like she just likes his parents more BUT he's not chill like them at ALL otherwise he'd be like what's one night in separate beds...

No, the desire to control others is NOT "hardwired into our DNA"! Where the heck are you getting that from? If that were true, there would not be parents who don't ever manipulate.

Wow. That was some seriously wild assumptions right there.

She hardly mentioned her BF, where on earth are you getting this from??

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Agree, but instead of going no contact with mom and cementing the rift she should work on having a better relationship with her. Bfs come and go, and even spouse, but you only have one mother. Besides she can't abandon mom and expect not to make things award with the rest of the family.

You're actually delulu omg.

Yep, must be another narc mom

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Name calling without any substance...that's a huge narc/immature red flag but they always tell on themselves due to the nature of the disorder. So thanks for clearing that up and showing you have no basic knowledge of Psychology, as it is typical for children to pick partners as adults who evoke familiarity and similar dynamics that were from their past and NOT resolved. It is very likely that OPs BF is like her mom, thus it's a power struggle and she is not aware. Look at how she is letting it impact her career. No good lawyer would let family drama on their social media. Not this day and age. But thanks for making all your previous comments make sense in light of this reply. For me, Angel and those talking about clinical Narcissism, we all now get you and since we're educated and experienced on topic, we prefer to offer OP/commenters advice that gets to healing and removes old bad patterns or people who are preventing healing. A good BF would want them to have a decent relationship with her parents and minimize drama. Period!

??

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ANGEL...I meant she should tell her mom she is going NC to work on herself. Sorry didn't get to explain that here but did somewhere else. If Mom respects that then that's a great sign. If not then once OP gets therapy and healing she will be able to handle mom better anyhow right?

Yes. My mom has BPD and I know abuse and recovery. OP cannot heal and be her best self if she stoops to their tactics and then justifies it and acts like it's ok. Also, I pay attention to details and she is either leaving out important info, unaware due to lack of perspective or she is allowing this to consume and alter herself too much because it is making her be manipulative though she claims to hate that in her mom and is letting it impact her career if she is letting it on her social media and doing things drunk she knows better than to do. I am trying to point out she needs to take this seriously and assess herself and relationships beyond just her mom because her BF is not like his chill parents and is not thinking in her best interest long term if he is ever to be a fiance or husband. Your spouse should bring out best in you and minimize drama not make it worse, which he clearly did. But maybe I am just more experienced and not letting people make excuses because Ive been through WAY worse than this silliness and survived, then thrived and still forgiven and tried to stay authentic and promote that for others without apologies.