When a loved one has a child, it’s only natural to want to help out. Whether you’re an aunt, uncle, grandparent, or godparent, that little bundle of joy holds a special place in your heart as well. But it’s important for parents to understand how much responsibility they can pass off to their friends and family members, otherwise resentment can begin to build. 

Below, you’ll find a story that one woman recently shared on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, detailing an issue she has with her brother-in-law.

Seeing your sibling start a family can be extremely exciting

Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya (not the actual photo)

But after this woman began feeling more like a parent than an aunt, she decided to put her foot down

Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)

Image credits: u/sabewl

Later, the woman responded to some comments from readers and provided additional info on the situation

A loving aunt can be an important fixture in many young girls’ lives

Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)

While every family is different, it’s possible to have just as close of a relationship with your aunt or uncle as you do with your parents. You likely don’t see them every day, so you might be much more excited when you do. And while growing up, they weren’t responsible for disciplining you, so your relationship with them might have been all about fun and bonding. Trips to the movie theater or to grab some delicious ice cream, playing in the park for hours and then returning home to mom and dad and waiting for the next time you get to see the resident “fun aunt”. According to Christine Ruggeri, CHHC at Dr. Axe, “Research refers to the aunt-niece relationship as ‘quasi-parenthood,’ in that an aunt isn’t the mother, but she does play a role in raising and shaping the life of her niece. Aunts serve as a safety net, a comforter, protector and supporter. They’re not always around, but they’re never too far when you need them.”

The aunt-niece relationship is often without the tumultuous ups and downs that a mother-daughter relationship entails, and aunts are important to their nieces because they offer a safe space to “enjoy open-ended play, develop a better sense of self, vent about school and relationships, ask advice without risk of judgment, acknowledge their fears, talk about their goals, and navigate issues with parents.” There may not be any hard and fast rules about what being a great aunt requires, but the relationship, especially with nieces, certainly has the opportunity to flourish.

But childcare responsibilities should always fall primarily on parents

Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)

As much as aunts love their nieces and nephews, it’s important that their siblings and siblings-in-law don’t take advantage of the nature of their relationship. Even if they don’t have kids of their own, that doesn’t mean they’re free to babysit at the drop of a hat. Apryl Duncan wrote a piece for VeryWell Family detailing all of the pros and cons of using relatives as babysitters, and aside from the benefits of having free care with individuals you trust, it might not always be worth the hassle. Our brothers and sisters are not trained childcare workers, and they might start to resent parents who take advantage of their time by requiring them to babysit constantly.

In this case, it’s not all about the aunt being taken advantage of, however. There is also the factor of the father who doesn’t seem to ever be expected to take care of his kids. Unfortunately, it’s quite common for dads to take on less of the childbearing responsibilities in their households. According to a Pew Research Center study, American mothers tend to spend twice as much time with their children as their fathers do. Moms and dads also often take on slightly different responsibilities when it comes to childrearing, allowing fathers to have more “fun” and mothers to be stuck with the less glamorous tasks. One 2016 study found that mothers report “less happiness, more stress, and greater fatigue” during the time they’re with their children than fathers do.

“Women do more of the day- to-day, time-inflexible basic care and management tasks related to childcare, and they spend a smaller share of their overall minutes with children in play,” the authors of the study explain. Even on the weekends, dads tend to have more time for themselves to spend doing leisure activities than moms. Another Pew Research Center study reported that, while moms spend over twice as much time on housework and childcare than fathers during the week, dads manage to find one extra hour of leisure time per day on the weekends. 

Although moms tend to spend more hours taking care of their kids, dads are just as capable

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)

While another 2019 study echoed previous findings that moms take on the most stressful parts of parenting and dads take on the most rewarding parts, it’s important to remember that both men and women are perfectly capable of doing any of these jobs. “Traditionally, caregiving has been seen as more central to women’s identities than it is to men’s, and that would suggest that mothers might find caring for their children more meaningful than fathers do,” Cadhla McDonnell, a doctoral candidate in sociology and demography at Penn State, says. “But that’s not the case — mothers and fathers both found caring for children highly meaningful, and there is no difference by gender.”

We would love to hear your thoughts on this story below, pandas. Do you think this woman was justified in putting her foot down? Let us know if you would have handled the situation differently, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing the responsibilities moms and dads take on when parenting, look no further than right here.      

Many readers assured the woman that she had every right to stand up for herself

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