One of the greatest things about being in a relationship is having someone who will always have your back. No matter if it’s a dire health situation, an argument with your annoying neighbor or financial troubles — healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and trust, so it only makes sense that the person you should trust with your own life is always there for you.

Of course, when it comes to family and your significant other — things can become rather complicated. As this 34-year-old woman with diagnosed diabetes writes in her story, she has a loving and understanding husband who’s been always there for her through thick and thin. But low blood sugar levels became the least of her concerns as her husband’s brother moved in with an expecting wife.

Having her own husband turn against her after the in-law’s all-craving missus demanded all snacks in the house to be shared — even those for critical emergencies — the author turned to the trusted ‘Am I The [Jerk]’ community to see what others would have done in her place.

Knowing that your significant other will always stand up for you no matter what is important

Image credits: Andres Ayrton (not the actual photo)

And sometimes the only way to find out how far they’re willing to go to have your back involves a pregnant sister-in-law

Those who have heard the expression ‘to be caught between a rock and a hard place’ (not to be confused with Aron Ralston’s best-selling autobiography that shares the same idiom for its title), likely have experienced it themselves. It fittingly captures the nerve-wracking nature of a situation where you are forced to choose between two equally unpleasant courses. ‘Should I take sides with my better half or my own flesh and blood?’

Interestingly, it won’t come as a surprise that most professionals recommend always standing up for your partner — doesn’t matter if it’s your own brother or dear mother on the receiving end. Or, as Matthew Fray, Thought Catalog‘s columnist, puts it: “Ranking anything ahead of your spouse is the most surefire way I know to create mistrust and instability in a marriage which often leads to divorce and almost always unhappiness for everyone involved.”

In order to dig deeper into this complicated ‘Who should come first?’ situation, Bored Panda has reached out to Dr. Shauna Springer, one of the leading authorities in the US on close relationships and the author of the best-selling ‘Beyond the Military’ book. Before tackling the big question, Shauna explains that there is more than one way to have your partner’s back. “First, you can commit to refraining from making statements that condemn your partner’s character or threaten the foundations of your commitment,” she explained. By this, she means saying anything that will come out as an ’empty threat’ will only “leave you with an insecure, hurting partner.”

People unanimously agreed that being pregnant gives the person no right to invade another’s personal belongings, even if it’s only a stash of snacks

The second way to make sure that your significant other feels like you always have their back is “becoming a student of their emotional reactions,” Springer says. As complicated as it might sound, Shauna reassures us that most of us do it every day. “Having your partner’s back means being attentive and responsive if it appears that you have unintentionally triggered something hurtful in your partner,” she told. “For example, you should always ask things like ‘Did your mood just shift?’ or ‘Did I do something that was hurtful to you just now?'”

The final advice Shauna gives us should come out naturally if you’re with the right person. “Openly tell your partner that you love them and when you’re speaking with your friends or relatives — always hold their worth high.” Sadly, she shares that more and more people choose to half-jokingly “post news of their partner’s flaws and failings” on social media, a ‘destructive behavior’ that’s taking over.

Sure, it’s the appeal of instant gratification. But Dr. Springer is right to liken this social problem to destructive behavior. Turns out, “high self-disclosure via posts is associated with a general tendency to neglect long-term risks,” as this paper claims. While it might not be a big deal to poke fun at your spouse on Instagram, we’re there with Shauna in believing the best way to maintain a healthy relationship is to speak highly of each other, not the other way around.

Finally, going back to the main question — ‘Who should come first?’ — Shauna points out that there are too many variables to apply the same solution to every situation or couple. “Should you have your partner’s back despite knowing that they’re in the wrong? It depends,” Springer explained. “What you think is “wrong” may be solely your own opinion.”

As she untangles this relationship conundrum further, the best approach to ‘escape’ from this awkward and uncomfortable situation means doing what humans have done for entire millenniums — simply talk. “Sometimes, having a thoughtful and open conversation with your partner about their thoughts may show you a new perspective. You might even change your mind once you have the full context for their views,” told Springer. In the end, she says, that’s “how we stay happily coupled.”

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