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Birthday Girl Pushes Older Cousin As She Blows Out Her Candles, Emotional Drama Ensues
Interview With Author
There is a common tradition of having a cake and blowing out the candles lit on it during a person’s birthday celebration. This tradition is often traced back to the ancient Greeks who baked honey cakes for the Goddess of Moon.
And while for ancient Greeks, cake was meant to represent the shape and light of the full moon, which in turn was a symbol of good luck, according to researchers, in many contemporary birthday celebrations, cake has maintained its symbolic significance. No wonder this Redditor was concerned when a birthday girl’s cousin didn’t let her blow the candles out by doing it for her.
More info: Reddit | M.Ed. Annie Fox
RELATED:
A girl’s birthday celebration was going well until her cousin blew out the candles for her, and both moms disagreed about the appropriate response
Image credits: Nathan Dumlao (not the actual photo)
The 5-year-old was about to blow out her birthday candles when her cousin did it for her
Image credits: Jorge Ibanez (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Beautiful-Worth-9979
The birthday girl pushed and hit her cousin and both girls ended up crying
Image credits: Morgan Lane (not the actual photo)
The cousin’s mother was putting blame on the birthday girl
A woman brought it to the Reddit AITAH community online after an incident during her daughter’s fifth birthday celebration when the birthday girl’s cousin blew the candles out for her and was therefore pushed by her. The original poster asked people online if she was right to expect her sister to address her daughter blowing out the candles.
The woman explained that when it was time to eat the birthday cake, her daughter, the birthday girl, was sitting in her chair while her cousin was standing on a chair next to her. The lights were turned off as they lit the candles and sang Happy Birthday; however, just as the birthday girl was about to blow out the candles, her cousin did it for her.
The birthday girl, who turned five, pushed and hit her cousin, who is six. The cousin fell off the chair and both girls were crying. The cousin’s mother raised her voice as she accused the original poster of her daughter being “out of control”, while the original poster replied that it was her daughter’s birthday, not her cousin’s.
The woman lit the candles again and stood next to her daughter to make sure she would be the one to blow out her candles this time. After the celebration, the mother ended up temporarily taking her daughter’s iPad for hitting her cousin, yet she was livid at her sister for refusing to address the issue of her daughter blowing out the candles for a birthday girl.
Bored Panda reached out to the original poster and Beautiful-Worth-9979 kindly agreed to give an update on the situation. The woman shared that she did get to talk to her sister, but unfortunately, it wasn’t a very productive conversation.
According to the original poster her sister got very defensive, which prompted her to think that her sister might have said something to encourage her daughter’s behavior. The woman also shared that she dealt with bullying from her sister and at school while growing up, and for this reason for her, it felt like history was repeating itself.
The birthday girl’s mother thought both girls’ behavior was out of line, yet the cousin started it
Image credits: Gift Habeshaw (not the actual photo)
The birthday girl’s mother lit the candles again and made sure it was her daughter who blew them out this time
To better understand the situation and the relationship between the sisters and their daughters, Bored Panda also reached out to M.Ed. Annie Fox, who is a parenting expert and an award-winning author, and she kindly agreed to share her insights.
Ms. Fox started by noting that she understands that the situation was very upsetting for the mom of the birthday girl. However, focusing on the birthday girl and her cousin, Annie Fox explained that while the behavior of both girls was out of line, we can’t realistically expect “mature” behavior from 5 and 6-year-olds. “Especially in the midst of all the special attention and the happy chaos happening at this family party.”
When it comes to the girls’ behavior, Ms. Fox elaborated: “Was the 6-year-old out of line for blowing out her cousin’s birthday candle? Yes, she was. Might she have felt jealous? Might she even have momentarily forgotten whose birthday it was? Yes and yes. As for the 5-year-old, was she out of line for pushing and hitting her cousin? Yes, she was.”
We also asked for relationship advice when dealing with this specific situation and this is what A. Fox had to say: “Each mom needs to talk with her daughter privately. Each mom needs to LISTEN to her daughter talk about how she was FEELING at the time. The moms should stay as NEUTRAL as possible during this part of the conversation. (Don’t blame anyone… not your daughter and not the other girl).
When the girl is done talking, it’s Mom’s turn to show that she understands the BIG FEELINGS her daughter was having (jealousy, anger, etc.) Big feelings are normal. They can also be overwhelming. Let Mom reassure her daughter about that.”
However, Ms. Fox. drew an important distinction between feelings and one’s behavior: “But here’s the thing, it’s perfectly fine to ‘feel the feelings’ but it’s not okay to hurt someone intentionally. And that includes physical, emotional, and psychological hurting.”
After talking the issue through with their daughters, validating various feelings, yet explaining that their feelings are no excuses for unacceptable behavior, Ms. Fox advised the mothers to have a calm and respectful talk between themselves and “clear the air.”
She elaborated that this means “taking the time for just the two of them to talk about what went down at the party” by addressing such important questions as “how each of them reacted in the moment, and what they might do differently the next time their daughters get into a thing with each other.”
Finally, Ms. Fox emphasized that: “This is family. These sisters and their daughters are in it, together, for the long haul. The moms are their daughters’ role models. They need to show that when we make a mistake or disagree or hurt someone’s feelings in this family, we apologize and learn from it so we can do better the next time.”
To find more on parenting by Ms. Annie Fox, please visit Annie Fox’s Blog, Family Confidential podcast, and her website.
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
Image credits: Matheus Frade (not the actual photo)
What do you think ?
Brainmas 1 year ago
OP's daughter's reaction may not have been "right," but it was perfectly normal for a kid her age under the circumstances. I would have a talk with her about it later, but not punish her. Her feelings were hurt and it sounds like this was the last straw. After hearing about the comments her cousins were making, sister would get reamed and not be allowed at my house with her hell spawn anymore. Allowing your kids to pull focus and ruin someone else's birthday pisses me off so much. Teach your kids some manners, or expect them to get punched.
Mona 1 year ago
Couldn't agree more, definitely NTA. However, I also agree that a talk about the pushing, rather than punishing by taking away the iPad and/or toys, would be the way to go. If the niece is being hateful, that's something the kid should learn to tell her mother. That behavior is a bigger issue, and while the pushing is a normal response to, the niece's behavior is at a level where adults need to get involved, rather than having kids sort it out.
Load More Replies...
Zedrapazia 1 year ago
I'm an adult, but if someone feels the need to f**k with my birthday and blows the candles off the cake, you can bet I'll push that person too. Out of the house that is.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 1 year ago
OP isn't the AH. I hate to say it, but the niece is learning that behavior from someone; hate is taught. Also, good on OP for disciplining her daughter. However, the niece deserved being hit.
CatLady 1 year ago
I'm uncomfortable with OP disciplining her daughter. She's going to learn that she's not allowed to stand up for herself. I know, because I was raised the same way. My older sister could (and did) do anything and everything to me, but the moment I responded, I was in for it. My mother now wonders why I end up in abusive relationships.
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Jay the not okay 1 year ago
how is nobody talking about the part about making fun of skin colors. OP mentioned the grandmother came from Guatemala, and the cousin made fun of the little girls's skin color. that's racist
The Redhead 1 year ago
NTA. Your sister has issues letting her children run wild & not correcting them. You did the right thing by re-lighting the candles and letting your daughter blow them out. You were also right after the party to inform your daughter there were consequences for hitting & pushing her cousin. You let her explain her reasoning and explained why her reaction was wrong. (Honesty all of us would have reacted the same way at 5). You are a good mother.
Jared Robinson 1 year ago
Soon as cousin makes fun of skin color came up, you need to get your daughter away from cousin and your sister. Racism is f****d up enough without having to deal with it from family.
Dr Robert Neville 1 year ago
A 5 year old wearing heels is an interesting take. Good luck with the bunions.
Alyssa Phillips 1 year ago
My 5 yr old likes to play dress up with heels. They are small 1/4-1/2 inch kitten heels and she wears them for an hour max. Kids like to mimic what they see. It's not like the child is wearing 4 inch stilettos.
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DarkViolet 1 year ago
I don't blame OP'S daughter for going off on her bratty cousin. Had that happened in my family, she would have been dealing with four angry kids, not just one. Mommy Dearest had better bring her annoying brood back into line PDQ; otherwise, she'll be dealing with the aftermath of a gang beating on one or more of the brats. The last time I checked, making fun of one's skin color is called racism. A six-year-old doesn't come out of the womb spouting that filth; she's learning it at someone's knee. Any guesses, folks? In OP'S shoes, I wouldn't let that pack cross my doorstep ever again.
Ginny 1 year ago
5 years old girl and an iPad .. the mother doesn't know from where she learned it ..
Jay the not okay 1 year ago
this is pretty common now... I had my first iPad at 6
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Roan The Demon Kitty 1 year ago
YTA for punishing her. I'd have clapped and gone out to buy her even more presents and cake. F**k the niece, absolute little brat.
Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
Heels, red carpet for a photoshoot and a high princess chair... forget about pushing anyone, unless things take a turn later on we have a brat in the making 😆
SilverSkyCloud 1 year ago
if my daughter did that i would'nt have punished her, theres only so far someone can get pushed around before enough is enough and it sounds like this child has had her fill of her cousins attitudes, i wouldnt have sister or her brat at my house again after that
Donna Grainger 4 months ago
It irks me how people seem to always say that violence isn't the answer, when sometimes, it is the only answer. What I saw in this was one kid being taught they could do as they please, and other being taught they will be punished for standing up for themselves and being too young to control their emotions. I am glad neither were my mother.
Dawnieangel76 1 year ago
There's a difference between spoiling a child and the child being spoiled. I know this because my grandparents gave me everything I wanted, but I always shared what I had without being told & even gave things away if someone else really wanted it....I then told my grandparents I lost it & would get a new one. OP's daughter was given a lavish party for a child, yes, but that doesn't mean she could be bullied by someone else without consequences. That first commenter reads like a holier than thou, judgemental bytch.
Monica Sargent 1 year ago
I don't understand parents. They feed into the idea of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, setting a stellar example by telling lies) and make you believe in the power of wishing on stars and then YOU'RE the unreasonable one because you didn't get your wish. Her sister doesn't want to be the bad guy and discipline her kids.
OneHappyPuppy 1 year ago
My nephew did this to my son on his 5th birthday. I have to mention we live in another country, and this was the first birthday of my sons he has ever attended (he is younger than my son) because of the Corona lockdown and travel bans in place in the previous years. I understand small children do not see it as something to offend the other child with, but the excitement of blowing out a candle is just too overwhelming for them to control themselves. That said, it does sting quite a bit for both the parent of and the child whose candle has been blown out. My nephew proceeded to do it three times before we managed to get my son to blow out the candle himself...
Chez2202 1 year ago
After one time your nephew’s parents should have moved him away from the cake so that your son could blow out his own candles. Or another relative should have done it. Why was he left in a position where he could do that 3 times?
Load More Replies...
CatLady 1 year ago
They wanted to do something special for their daughter. Birthdays are a big deal in some cultures. Let people be.
Load More Replies... Brainmas 1 year ago
OP's daughter's reaction may not have been "right," but it was perfectly normal for a kid her age under the circumstances. I would have a talk with her about it later, but not punish her. Her feelings were hurt and it sounds like this was the last straw. After hearing about the comments her cousins were making, sister would get reamed and not be allowed at my house with her hell spawn anymore. Allowing your kids to pull focus and ruin someone else's birthday pisses me off so much. Teach your kids some manners, or expect them to get punched.
Mona 1 year ago
Couldn't agree more, definitely NTA. However, I also agree that a talk about the pushing, rather than punishing by taking away the iPad and/or toys, would be the way to go. If the niece is being hateful, that's something the kid should learn to tell her mother. That behavior is a bigger issue, and while the pushing is a normal response to, the niece's behavior is at a level where adults need to get involved, rather than having kids sort it out.
Load More Replies... Zedrapazia 1 year ago
I'm an adult, but if someone feels the need to f**k with my birthday and blows the candles off the cake, you can bet I'll push that person too. Out of the house that is.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 1 year ago
OP isn't the AH. I hate to say it, but the niece is learning that behavior from someone; hate is taught. Also, good on OP for disciplining her daughter. However, the niece deserved being hit.
CatLady 1 year ago
I'm uncomfortable with OP disciplining her daughter. She's going to learn that she's not allowed to stand up for herself. I know, because I was raised the same way. My older sister could (and did) do anything and everything to me, but the moment I responded, I was in for it. My mother now wonders why I end up in abusive relationships.
Load More Replies... Jay the not okay 1 year ago
how is nobody talking about the part about making fun of skin colors. OP mentioned the grandmother came from Guatemala, and the cousin made fun of the little girls's skin color. that's racist
The Redhead 1 year ago
NTA. Your sister has issues letting her children run wild & not correcting them. You did the right thing by re-lighting the candles and letting your daughter blow them out. You were also right after the party to inform your daughter there were consequences for hitting & pushing her cousin. You let her explain her reasoning and explained why her reaction was wrong. (Honesty all of us would have reacted the same way at 5). You are a good mother.
Jared Robinson 1 year ago
Soon as cousin makes fun of skin color came up, you need to get your daughter away from cousin and your sister. Racism is f****d up enough without having to deal with it from family.
Dr Robert Neville 1 year ago
A 5 year old wearing heels is an interesting take. Good luck with the bunions.
Alyssa Phillips 1 year ago
My 5 yr old likes to play dress up with heels. They are small 1/4-1/2 inch kitten heels and she wears them for an hour max. Kids like to mimic what they see. It's not like the child is wearing 4 inch stilettos.
Load More Replies... DarkViolet 1 year ago
I don't blame OP'S daughter for going off on her bratty cousin. Had that happened in my family, she would have been dealing with four angry kids, not just one. Mommy Dearest had better bring her annoying brood back into line PDQ; otherwise, she'll be dealing with the aftermath of a gang beating on one or more of the brats. The last time I checked, making fun of one's skin color is called racism. A six-year-old doesn't come out of the womb spouting that filth; she's learning it at someone's knee. Any guesses, folks? In OP'S shoes, I wouldn't let that pack cross my doorstep ever again.
Ginny 1 year ago
5 years old girl and an iPad .. the mother doesn't know from where she learned it ..
Jay the not okay 1 year ago
this is pretty common now... I had my first iPad at 6
Load More Replies... Roan The Demon Kitty 1 year ago
YTA for punishing her. I'd have clapped and gone out to buy her even more presents and cake. F**k the niece, absolute little brat.
Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
Heels, red carpet for a photoshoot and a high princess chair... forget about pushing anyone, unless things take a turn later on we have a brat in the making 😆
SilverSkyCloud 1 year ago
if my daughter did that i would'nt have punished her, theres only so far someone can get pushed around before enough is enough and it sounds like this child has had her fill of her cousins attitudes, i wouldnt have sister or her brat at my house again after that
Donna Grainger 4 months ago
It irks me how people seem to always say that violence isn't the answer, when sometimes, it is the only answer. What I saw in this was one kid being taught they could do as they please, and other being taught they will be punished for standing up for themselves and being too young to control their emotions. I am glad neither were my mother.
Dawnieangel76 1 year ago
There's a difference between spoiling a child and the child being spoiled. I know this because my grandparents gave me everything I wanted, but I always shared what I had without being told & even gave things away if someone else really wanted it....I then told my grandparents I lost it & would get a new one. OP's daughter was given a lavish party for a child, yes, but that doesn't mean she could be bullied by someone else without consequences. That first commenter reads like a holier than thou, judgemental bytch.
Monica Sargent 1 year ago
I don't understand parents. They feed into the idea of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, setting a stellar example by telling lies) and make you believe in the power of wishing on stars and then YOU'RE the unreasonable one because you didn't get your wish. Her sister doesn't want to be the bad guy and discipline her kids.
OneHappyPuppy 1 year ago
My nephew did this to my son on his 5th birthday. I have to mention we live in another country, and this was the first birthday of my sons he has ever attended (he is younger than my son) because of the Corona lockdown and travel bans in place in the previous years. I understand small children do not see it as something to offend the other child with, but the excitement of blowing out a candle is just too overwhelming for them to control themselves. That said, it does sting quite a bit for both the parent of and the child whose candle has been blown out. My nephew proceeded to do it three times before we managed to get my son to blow out the candle himself...
Chez2202 1 year ago
After one time your nephew’s parents should have moved him away from the cake so that your son could blow out his own candles. Or another relative should have done it. Why was he left in a position where he could do that 3 times?
Load More Replies... CatLady 1 year ago
They wanted to do something special for their daughter. Birthdays are a big deal in some cultures. Let people be.
Load More Replies...
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