Hagela was unlike anyone I'd ever met. She walked right up to me at the bar, holding a cat and a broom, and just asked me to have dinner. So I did. Turns out she was wickedly funny with a dark sense of humor, and we talked and drank and laughed until long after sunset. Then she offered to give me a ride home. I've got a good feeling about this night.

The Pumpkin King had long been sad; a frown his only daily mood.
So I was asked to use my knife and carve a better attitude.

When they finally found a mate brave enough to breed with Fluffy, I couldn't wait to get my hands on one of the pups.

When Impala Safari promises "Up Close Nature Tours," they are not kidding.

The great thing about being a Cyclops Optometrist is...it's half the work!

Back at Hagela’s hut, she had me hop right in the hot tub to get warm. The hot water felt so good after the chilly ride, I just closed my eyes and inhaled the aroma of the fragrant steam. For some reason, it reminded me of my mother's soup which was comforting. Then, through the smoke, I saw Hagela standing there holding what looked like a small wooden paddle with a naughty grin on her face. Oh, boy, I thought. This is gonna be fun. "Get in here," I said.

I was a little nervous to take Helen to the Zombie Ball. But after the first few dances, the more we talked and laughed, the less I worried about her eating my brain.

I gave my zombie friend a brain cake for his birthday. Oh, man, you should have seen the way his dry hollow sockets lit up with surprise!

Maybe Halloween wasn't the best time to chop down that creepy old stump, but I was tired of his mocking laughter.

On the ride back to Hagela's house, I was starting to get cold, and I think she could feel me shivering. "What's the matter, Dearie?" she asked. "No meat on yer bones?" She cackled at this and her laughter was so infectious I started laughing too. All with a beautiful full moon overhead. It was magical.

Marina is perfect. Other than the two tentacles she has for legs, she's all I've ever wanted in a woman.

Everyone told me wearing my mouse costume in front of Mittens was a bad idea, but what's the worst that can happen?

I love playing "Rock Paper Scissors" with Edward. I literally win EVERY time!

The bad news is: I have a flesh-eating bacteria. The good news is: I've lost 55 pounds.

Honestly, it was an accident. Hagela wouldn't come into the tub; I thought she was playing hard to get. So I splashed her, just a little. You know, like a playful splash? I certainly wasn't trying to hurt her. But dates are funny that way, I guess. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to connect with another person and have some fun, you end up just melting their face off anyway.

The bad news is: In addition to the virus, we now have Killer Bees AND Murder Hornets. The good news is: The Torture Wasps won't be here for another few weeks.

“So. Mister…Voldemort.”
“LORD Voldemort.”
“I’m sorry?”
“It’s Lord Voldemort. Or the Dark Lord. Whichever you prefer.”
“I see. Any first name?”
“Well…It was Tom at one point, but it’s not any more. Most people don’t say my name at all, really. Some even call me “He Who Must Not Be Named” if you can believe that.”
“OK. But for the purposes of our records, what should I call you?”
“Lord Voldemort will be fine.”
“Very well. So. Lord Voldemort. As chief surgeon here at the clinic, I’ve got to say, your condition is quite unique. Most of the procedures I do are nose REDUCTION surgeries, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work a little magic in your case, if you know what I mean.”
"For your sake, my muggle friend, I hope you're right."

On our first date, Shannon asked for my opinion about her weight and like an idiot I told her the truth. I said, "Well, if I'm totally honest...yeah, I think you may be a little too thin." And that was it. At the end of the evening, I didn't get even a single lipless kiss goodnight.

Just as the spider was coming in for the kill, I remembered what my online banking password was. Isn't that always the way?

As I was sitting down on the dock enjoying a banana at sunset, the strangest thing happened. A warm wind blew across my neck, and it smelled just like bananas too.

Ever since the witch turned my finger into a mouse, the cat just does not take my scoldings seriously at all.

"Take it for a spin," they told me at the Dragon Store. "If you think you like it in the showroom, wait'll you drive it!"

I don't know. There's something weird about fishing with Tim. It just doesn't feel right somehow. Plus he eats all the bait.

Professor Lupin held some office hours outside the other night and while I waited for him to turn up, I couldn't take my eyes off the most beautiful full moon. It was magical.

You know that feeling when you approach a new hippogriff...after you bow and he bows back but before you actually touch him? Yeah, that's scary every time. 

Sea monsters are SO sensitive. You make one innocent joke about them gaining a little extra weight, and right away they go to eat you.

It's been a tough week. Not sure how it can get any worse.

I'm not sure who cast the spell, but I sure wasn't the one doing the seeking anymore.

Fruit bats. Fruit flies. Whatever they are, they were swarming last night.

It feels so good to be back in Florida.

This new cologne is called CHUM, and I can tell you, in the Gulf of Mexico at least...it really works.

I was so excited to get the part of "Yorick" in the all-skeleton version of Hamlet.

When Death hopped up on my picnic table...all 3 foot 7 inches of him...I don't know, I guess I just always thought he'd be taller.

Happy Halloween, everyone. See you at sunset. John @sunsetselfies

When the Dementors finally came for me, I was not at all relieved to discover that my patronus was a snail.

Woah. Tonight I almost walked right into the biggest spider web I've ever seen. I mean: this thing was HUGE. So I just backed away sloooowly...

I know voting by mail is a safe way to handle the upcoming election. I'm not worried about that. It's just getting my ballot into the mailbox that I'm afraid of.

“I think you’re missing the point. It’s not that he wants to frighten you. He just doesn’t want you eating his corn. Does that make sense?”

Before I shouted "Accio Kitchen Knives!" I probably should have thought it through a bit more.

As soon as I found the source of the loud rattling sound, a weird hissing noise started. What a crazy day.

Sitting close to a friend. A little "human" contact. These are things I've really been missing lately. Anyone else?

I almost never ask for directions. But when I finally admitted I was lost to a local down on the beach, he actually offered to give me a ride.

I put an ad in the local paper, looking for fiddlers to play with. Maybe I should have been more specific.

I know he's the protector of the water and everything, but he really needs to learn some boundaries.

I felt a little drained of ideas, so I sat in the ocean, closed my eyes, and waited for inspiration to strike. 

As the beast lay siege on our fair city at sunset, I had no choice but to leap head long into the fray

"Do I have something in my teeth?"

Without my glasses it was hard to read, but I think the sign said: "Beware of Snokes." Whatever that means.