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50 People Are Sharing The Signs That Made Them Realize They Were Raised By Toxic Parents
It's not unusual to have a more or less complicated relationship with your parents. After all, they're human just like you, navigating the same complex feelings and emotions. However, there's a line between familial disagreement and toxic behavior. And Reddit user snoofle-science wanted to find it.
So they made a post on the platform, asking its users to share what signs have they noticed indicate that their moms and dads were lousy caregivers. From not being able to show affection to desperate attention cravings, here are some of the most popular problems that people attribute to their upbringing.
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#1
You feel intimidated by everyone around you, you feel like you're never good enough for anyone, no matter how much they tell you that you don't need to try so hard, and you generally have low self-worth.
Edit: Wow. I don't know whether to feel encouraged that so many people know where I’m coming from with this, or heartbroken about it. Either way, thank you, everyone.
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
ah. okay. i’m.. a little concerned for myself now, as i relate to all of these.
RELATED:
#2
A second chance to do it better when you have kids. Every time I got angry or upset with my own children, I would take a breath and think about what my mom would do—and then do the exact opposite. Lots of laughter and forgiveness in our house and zero violence. My mantra has always been “there is value in a bad example.”
#3
Doing everything yourself, not asking for help, because you knew no help was coming.
#4
Never believing a compliment. Always being anxious that people are mad at you/ignoring you if they're being quiet/not responding. Not being able to deal with confrontation/conflict in a constructive/healthy way.
Basically you get shitty people skills and emotional damage.
#5
Over-explain the tiniest issues because of a compulsive need to justify every thought, action or inaction
#6
You can't identify your own emotions immediately, or sometimes at all, but can identify others without them having to say a word. Don't know how to react to things in the moment, and are extremely mature for your age. Mature kids often aren't a result of great parenting.
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
i cannot say enough how true this is. i’ve wondered why i am always so uncomfortable if i am unable to read someone, and this really explains it.
#7
I had to sneak out of the house through my bedroom window to go to school and take my finals because my mom locked my room from the outside. This was punishment because I wouldn’t do the dishes because I was cramming for my exams. To top it off after she locked me in my room she went to the breaker and turned off the lights to my bedroom so I wouldn’t have any lighting to study and I had to spend the whole night studying with a flashlight.
I aced all my exams. And instead of my mother being proud of me she locked me up in my room for a week for sneaking out.
I ended up going to college and grad school in STEM and made something of myself. And now she brags to people that I am successful because of her. When she says that I tell her and everyone “absolutely not! I’m successful DESPITE her”.
#8
The panicked rush to jump and start “doing something” when you hear someone come in the house. Lest you be subjected to a barrage of insults and commands.
Kristi Savage Cook 2 years ago
OMG this! Heaven forbid I'd be resting while nobody was home to see or comment....
#9
Why is nobody mentioning the silent foot steps?
When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.
#10
Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you've seen enough shit certain things just don't faze you anymore
SparkleFarts 2 years ago
And not knowing how to comfort someone. Like I know I should feel something, but I just don't.
#11
Okay lets do it -
self doubt, self esteem issues and overall not feeling good enough or feeling like you have an intense obligation or expectation to fulfil to keep your parents happy.
The inability to know what you want or not knowing how to say no when someone asks something of you in fear they will react poorly.
Inability to be assertive and telling people what you are/aren't ok with.
Not having high values of yourself and putting everyone else before you.
Feeling guilt the minute you 'let someone down.'
TRIGGER WORDS - example 'I'm disappointed'
Having a habit of toxic and repetitive relationships with friends and partners. Also switching around friend groups often or having little to none.
Feeling emotionally inept or being extremely emotional and feeling like you cannot express it.
Difficulty with maintaining life skills, self care, hygiene, finances ect
feeling like a child stuck in an adults body
#12
You apologize for everything you do, good or bad.
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
i apologize because i’m just worried that i might mess something up.
#13
Paranoia when people are just being nice. Like why are you being friendly? What do I have that you want from me?
#14
Being a people-pleaser to the point of it being detrimental to yourself
#15
being really good at hiding things (physical or mental). being able to sneak something to my room, being able to look like i haven't cried even though i was five minutes ago.
#16
Being afraid that you'll continue the cycle and treat your kids terribly
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
i don’t want kids. mostly because i know there is no way i would be able to handle them.
#17
You are in your 40s and still crave attention and validation from anyone at all because you were ignored all the time.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
::raises hand:: I'm 40 right now and I still have "the class clown" personality because at least if people are laughing at me, they're paying attention to me, right? Right?!
#18
When i tell stories of my childhood that i think are funny but my friends stare in horror
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
"Haha, omg guys, so once when I was 6, my dad was about to leave on a business trip and my mom grabbed me, pressed the revolver she'd gotten from my grandpa into my throat under my chin, and told my dad that if he left on one more business trip, she'd kill us kids and then herself! Isn't that hilarious?" (that is a true story from my childhood, sadly)
#19
Being surprised people will apologize and want to talk out and deal with an issue instead of screaming and pretending everything is fine and never mentioning why there was a fight or argument at all.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I was always terrified of my mother as a young child, because one moment she would be screaming at me, beating me, and throwing me across the room, and then 5 minutes later she'd come into the room smiling with a plate of cookies she'd just baked all "Do you want a cookie, Cryssie?" I was off-balance all the time because I had NO idea what I'd done to make her angry, nor why she suddenly wasn't angry AT ALL any more, and I was terrified that I'd do whatever I'd done to p**s her off again and she'd go nuclear again in the next 30 seconds. I had no idea that that wasn't normal.
#20
When you really don’t remember any good times you spent with them.
#21
Not reacting appropriately to ordinary situations. Usually an overreaction to a normal situation or underreacting to very messed up situations.
#22
My dad was yelling at me once and I couldn't take it so I made a snappy comment back. Instinctively I threw my hands up to block the blow I knew was coming. But then they both tried to convince me that my dad has never hit me before and why would I act like that.....so physically abusive and mentally abusive with gas lighting
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
My older sister gets pissed when I talk about how abusive my mother was towards me. She'll say "Mom never HIT you!" Uh, mom used to cut me with the kitchen knives, not just hit me/throw me across the room. But my sister is my parents' biological child, and I'm adopted. My sister is just like my mother and is/was "the perfect child", so she was never yelled at or hit while we were growing up.
#24
Someone raises their voice- doesn't even have to be in anger; they could just have a deep voice but suddenly its *loud* - and your first reaction is to either shrink in on yourself or focus on anything but their face and wait for your throat to stop feeling so tight or for your eyes to stop watering.
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
this!!! i have never been able to describe the feeling i get when someone becomes loud- it has always terrified me.
#25
When, as an adult, you witness an example of good parenting - and experience a sense of shock, and get dizzy.
#26
You remember being severely neglected yet you were told “you are spoiled.”
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I'm apparently "spoiled" because I was adopted! My biological mother was an unmarried alcoholic/drug addict who already had two other children (from unknown fathers) and she didn't even have working utilities in her trailer. I was told from a very early age (5ish or so) that I needed to be grateful because I had been taken away from such a HORRIBLE situation and brought to have a "normal" life. Apparently that = me being spoiled.
#27
Unable to form or desire romantic attachments and not to forget the numerous mental illnesses you have no control over because your parent doesn’t believe in poor mental health so allowed you to go undiagnosed your whole life :)
alex cosgrove 2 years ago
Mine treated me like I was slow. My twin was very book smart. Took a therapist when I was 16 to test my math skills (first diagnosis) and at 23 I got the full testing to find out, nope not slow.. lots of mental disabilities.. I cried hysterically because I finally had a name to the learning disabilities that plagued my life. Best day of my life.
#28
Not being able to recognize affection or how to show it healthily.
#29
A fantastic sense of humor
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
Making jokes hides the pain! If you can make others laugh, even if they're laughing AT you, then you are a-o-kay. I'm a master "class clown"/comedian and most of my jokes are self-deprecating.
#30
- Thinking you do everything wrong, even small daily tasks, and at a certain moment you hear other people compliment you about doing it well or asking why I am a perfectionist.
- Always apologizing for everything, multiple times
- When people say something, you suspect that they mean something else, something you did wrong, buy they won't tell you until they get so mad they burst.
- Extremely nauseous feelings when someone gets irritated or angry
Kristi Savage Cook 2 years ago
I've tried to explain to my husband what it's like to ALWAYS feel that things are my fault. If anyone is ever unhappy in my circle, it's my fault and it's my responsibility to fix what's wrong. I think it It must be amazing not to feel this way.
#31
I can never open up to them. No matter how big or small my problems are, because they'll just tell me I'm being dramatic.
SparkleFarts 2 years ago
Yep. There have been a lot of days lately when I really needed to "talk to my mom" but that's just not an option
#32
You don't talk to them anymore or want them in your life otherwise as an adult (e.g., not inviting them to your wedding, or want them around any potential children you may have).
#34
They don’t want you to have any better of a life than they did
Hatred Pony 2 years ago
So much this. I had several opportunities as a teen that were never even discussed but shot down immediately. A trip to Greece for $400 with my class (better believe I would try to scrape that money together for my kids), an invitation to study abroad and the big one, admittance into art school my junior year of highschool. My mom never wanted me to succeed or have anything better than she ever had and she pulled opportunities out from under me any chance she had. I even won "sweetheart" at a Valentine's dance at church as a kid, I was so thrilled then because I never won a thing. In the car on the way home she told me about a lady who said I was very rude to her when she said I looked pretty. I couldn't then recall anything close to this situation , she called me a liar and made me feel awful. It wasn't until much later in life that I realized she was the liar.
#35
My mother treats me like her personal therapist and I'm only 17. She asks me where she went wrong in raising my brother and I and I don't want to tell her because I'm scared of her when she yells.
#37
Even at 31 feeling like if I get close to anyone they'll find a way to take advantage of me
#38
You're raised by people who can barely function, people who are basically at subsistence level. So you have no tools to be successful in the real world. There's no support other than vague crappy advice to just keep plugging along. You know that everything you get in life can disappear in a moment, and no one will be there to provide for you. Worse, your parents are expecting that you'll somehow magically provide for them in their old age. They send you out into the world with worse-than-s**t life skills, and they expect you to support them.
T'Mar of Vulcan 2 years ago
When your valid feelings are dismissed with the words, "You've got to be better than that."
#39
Feeling weird when people tell you that they love you, recieving hugs, feeling weirded out when you have to give hugs, and my personal favorite, being at the end of the favorite's list
a fruity dream of delusion 2 years ago
i like hugs. but one of my friends constantly calls me her favorite, and is very affectionate, and i get very confused. like, why me??
#40
Not knowing a lot of things that are "common sense" and not realizing til you're an adult yourself
#41
If you're the eldest, an extreme urge to help and "save" your younger siblings, even to the detriment of your own mental health.
#42
When you are telling a story which you think is a funny story from your childhood, only for someone to turn around and tell you "That's not normal".
​
If you've grown up in a very dysfunctional household, then not only is your norm set at a very messed up bar, but things that would be horrifying to others might be funny to you because of where your norm was set at. Examples of this can include "funny stories" that actually featured a lot of violent or neglect.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago (edited)
Yep. I've told my friends "funny stories" of times when my mom cut me with kitchen knives, or times when she'd hit me only below the neck so that "no one would see the bruises", or how funny it was that when I was small and light, she'd throw me across the room and into the walls. My friends would be all O_O; and then hug me.
#43
Parents that lean more on you in rough times when it should be 100% the other way around
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I was 18 and planning to move out, when my dad had an accident that resulted in a catastrophic brain injury. He had such extensive brain damage that he was bedridden, could not speak/communicate or understand, had to wear diapers, and had to have a feeding tube installed. My mother refused to hire professional caregivers for him, so I was his primary caregiver for the next 21 years (he died last year). I never moved out. My dad was a wonderful person and a great father, so I willingly cared for him because I loved him, but it was pretty awful that my mother assumed that well OF COURSE I'd stay living at home and take care of him so that she could go to the casinos/on vacation whenever she wanted.
#46
Uncomfortably into Disney stuff well into old age. I've noticed that a lot of hardcore Disney fans AS ADULTS (I'm talking people who buy the plates, cups, figures, cookie jars, plush characters, etc) often have had bad parents or experiences as a kid. They probably are trying to hold on to some child like feeling that's still in them. Idk.
There's nothing wrong with being into Disney, but, at a certain point, I have to question what exactly went down in your household as a kid.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I'm not into Disney specifically, but I'm 40 and I still buy stuffed animals for myself quite often.
#47
Always screaming. Always angry. Never showed any physical affection. Completely out of tune with their children's lives.
Alana Voeks 2 years ago
Heyyyyyy. This is me 100%. Also never giving any life lessons, like don't lose your virginity to someone who shows you romantic affection for the first time! (Or ever teaching me about sex. Still yet to be taught, they still think I'm a virgin.)
#48
I knew how to open a beer and pour it with minimal foam for my mom while she was driving.
#49
You call them for advice and they give you literally the worst advice ever. So you have been doing the opposite haha
Ronald Cookson 2 years ago
Hearing the phrase " when life hands you lemons,make lemonade" is the most repeated and worthless platitude I've ever heard.makes me want to choke the ever loving s**t out of the person who says it.
#50
They told me the wrong date was my birthday. Didnt find out until my sixteenth birthday going for my drivers licence. Couldnt be bothered with getting it right, real nice of them.
What do you think ?
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I'm posting this comment before I even read the article with the prediction that I have probably experienced 80%-90% of the "signs" listed. I was adopted at birth because my mother didn't want my older sister (my parents' biological child) to "be an only child". I was told continually by my mother that I ought to be "grateful" that I was adopted and that I "owe her" for adopting me, especially since my bio mom was a "junkie alcoholic". This year I found out from my uncle (dad's brother) that my mom adopted ME specifically because she wanted a "blonde, blue-eyed" child (my mom is Mexican). I'm fortunate that my dad was a great guy and a wonderful dad, but he wasn't a strong person, so my mother often abused him as well. (Physically and verbally/emotionally/mentally.)
Skylar Jaxx 2 years ago
That lady isn't ur mom. She is someone who thought she was doing good with bad intentions.
Load More Replies...
Magpie 2 years ago (edited)
Not understanding the concept of feeling safe. Having to learn that from a Psychologist. Having to practice feeling that. Always trying to make other people feel happy. - and/or solve their problems. Saying "thank you" over and over for the simplest help someone gave me.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
I'm posting this comment before I even read the article with the prediction that I have probably experienced 80%-90% of the "signs" listed. I was adopted at birth because my mother didn't want my older sister (my parents' biological child) to "be an only child". I was told continually by my mother that I ought to be "grateful" that I was adopted and that I "owe her" for adopting me, especially since my bio mom was a "junkie alcoholic". This year I found out from my uncle (dad's brother) that my mom adopted ME specifically because she wanted a "blonde, blue-eyed" child (my mom is Mexican). I'm fortunate that my dad was a great guy and a wonderful dad, but he wasn't a strong person, so my mother often abused him as well. (Physically and verbally/emotionally/mentally.)
Skylar Jaxx 2 years ago
That lady isn't ur mom. She is someone who thought she was doing good with bad intentions.
Load More Replies... Magpie 2 years ago (edited)
Not understanding the concept of feeling safe. Having to learn that from a Psychologist. Having to practice feeling that. Always trying to make other people feel happy. - and/or solve their problems. Saying "thank you" over and over for the simplest help someone gave me.
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