Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but there are definitely some that come pretty close. Unfortunately, there are also those who are the complete opposite – toxic parents.
It’s no secret that toxic parenting can have a lasting effect on a child's self-esteem and can even lead to mental health issues later on in life.
So when someone wondered “What is a sign of toxic parenting?” on Ask Reddit, it was destined to turn into an illuminating read about the ways people can tell if their parenting methods do more harm than good.
Below we wrapped up some of the most interesting and thought-provoking responses, so scroll down. And let us know what you think are the signs of poor parenting in the comment section below!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Always believing they're right because they're the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say.
Lsai Aeon 2 years ago (edited)
My whole family. In fact, my uncle said as much or rather yelled it at me, as we were driving to the lawyer's office after my mother died. I've lived in this city my whole life, been driving these roads for nearly 30 years, I suggested he should get over to the right lane so he could take off the highway. he starts screaming at me "I'm older than you, I've been driving longer than you, I know better than you, you know nothing because you're just a child" I'm 43 and my 14 year old son was sitting in the back seat...
RELATED:
#3
Kids who feel like nothing they do is good enough or they can't do anything right. Their parents have told them they are stupid or useless so often they have started to believe it.
Ueda 2 years ago
Or parents who just don't care or are too busy to notice. I've struggled with this because I was bullied both by classmates and teachers. My parents were nowhere to be found. Now they are in complete denial. Took me a while to understand that my failures were not always my fault. Now I make sure not to make the same mistake with my daughter, who tends to doubt her abilities. I would hate myself if she started to actually believe it.
There's no one answer to what toxic parenting looks like, as every family is different. Some common signs that your parents might be toxic include always being critical of either of you or of each other; trying to control every aspect of your life; constantly comparing you to other people, or to their own expectations; being emotionally abusive; using guilt to manipulate you and many more.
In some extreme cases, controlling parents take over their children’s lives and can do a lot of harm. To find out how exactly overly controlling parents can alter their kids’ lives and what kind of effect they have over them, we spoke with Anisa Lewis, the Positive Parenting Coach.
#4
Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them
#5
The belief that your children belong to you, that they are beneath you and your property. That because you brought them into this world, you are owed respect. Respect and trust are gained, they are not owed.
Bobby 2 years ago
I think of respect as more of a garden. Everyone has a plant in my garden. When you show respect to me you water and feed that plant. When you disrespect me your plant withers and dies. But everyone starts with at least a baseline of respect. I don't like the idea that respect is earned, like you start at zero, or that someone is due complete respect until shown otherwise. Respect is cultivated, and if you want someone to respect you, you are responsible for that cultivation
#6
Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing, "I told you so" and "because I said so"
Lewis argues that parents' main goal should always be to bring their children up with a solid foundation and strong values, “knowing the long-term aim is that they can be confident, independent and functioning members of society,” she said and added that obviously, there are a great number of factors that feed into this and each child and young adult as well as family is different.
When asked what could be the reasons why some parents control their kids so much, Lewis explained that there may be many factors to blame. She told us: “it could be their own upbringing and they are simply repeating the parenting that they received.” Moreover, “it could be cultural or an experience that they have had that has negatively affected them.”
#7
Being unable to apologize, setting and enforcing standards they themselves don't follow
1.21Gigawatts?! 2 years ago
Mom always yells at me and threatens to punish me for crying or being angry but’s it’s perfectly fine for her to do it
#8
Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one.
Pirates of Zen Pants 2 years ago
This. By the time I was twelve, I was taking care of my half-siblings while my folks were at the bar. I was expected to clean, cook, iron my stepfather's shirts, and do the laundry, all while volunteering and maintaining an A average. I can't BELIEVE how easy it is to be an adult, because I have freedom now. I moved out of state at 17 and everything got much, much better.
#9
Guilt tripping your kids into begging for your forgiveness.
“I bet you wish I was dead”, “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”, etc.
Artsy Bookworm 2 years ago
Also, the silent treatment. Sometimes I argue with my mom and she snaps back asking why I'm arguing. At times she refuses to accept that I'm a separate human being capable of anger and having my own opinions. If that's the case she just stops talking to me so that I feel obliged to apologise even if it's not my fault.
Moreover, controlling parents are likely to be anxious or low in confidence (or self-esteem) themselves. “They can tend to, possibly by default, control what they can to keep themselves safe and thus part of this is the lives of their children,” Lewis explained.
#10
Any sort of adept knowledge from their child about doing something sneakily. My parents have always been very strict about what I wore not only out in public, but even just hanging out with friends at their houses. I have since become a master at fashionably layering and they were never the wiser. All extremely strict parenting does is teach kids how to be stealthy and break rules without getting caught.
#11
Any form of hitting and calling it "discipline"
It's not it's straight up abuse and it traumatizes your children I know cause I was raised off it and guess who I cut out of my life.
Luke Branwen 2 years ago
If you're the kind of person who justifies child abuse with "My parents hit me all the time and I grew up fine", you didn't, in fact, grow up fine.
#12
Insisting you know your kids' mind better than they themselves do. Proclaiming what they experience, feel, think, and intend. Being dismissive or condescending when they try to speak for themselves.
Seeing your child as identical to you or an extension of you ("twinning"), and going around bragging about this.
Not acknowledging or neglecting their emotions.
Blaming their children for what are natural reactions to the parent's behaviour. (A similar dynamic "When he looks in the mirror and sees his dirty face, he tries to wash the mirror.")
For a child of any age, living with toxic parents is a very difficult situation to be in. Children may feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells and that they can never do anything right. Chances are, their homes are always full of yelling and criticism, which may alter their sense of home, safety and comfort.
#13
Yelling at your kid for backtalking when they're really just having an opinion.
#14
Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn't want to be the doctor that you weren't able to be. Okay... So?
For example, my parents are very religious and everything would be about religion and honoring God; yet, the ironic thing is, that my parents are extremely abusive- physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Don't force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what's out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don't yell at them or hurt them if they're not doing it *your* way.
#15
“I cleaned your poop and fed you everyday selflessly” Bro you decided to have a kid and didn’t know that babies don’t start using the loo as soon as they’re born?
At the same time, for children of toxic parents, it is extremely important to try to find ways to cope with this situation. Spending time with supportive people is one way, and doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. In some cases, however, seeking professional help is the only way, and if a child feels like they are not able to handle the situation anymore, it’s best to not wait, but act as soon as possible.
#16
If the kid is “mature for their age”, they are being severely neglected emotionally and most likely already have deep psychological scars.
Bored Retsuko 2 years ago
Yes, can cofirm. Also, an interesting fact I'd like to add: when adult survivors of childhood (psychological) abuse look back at situations in their childhood, they typically appear to themselves as much older and more mature than they actually were.
#17
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
Pirates of Zen Pants 2 years ago
I had years of this. I finally got my mother to stop contacting me by printing out a list of "Adverse Childhood Experiences" and checking off the ones I was subject to under her rule. Final score: eight out of ten. As an abusive narcissist, she can't admit what she's done, and this rude awakening did what nothing else could. It stunned her into silence.
#19
Treating kids like they aren't supposed to have emotions
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
"You're such a drama queen!" "Why do you have to be so defensive all of the time?" "STOP THAT CRYING." Yeah, you torment us, we break and respond, and WE'RE the ones who are wrong? No, that's just abuse.
#20
Telling your child to do something, then getting mad when they do it wrong.
One time my mom made me fold her laundry, then got mad at me because one her shirts was inside out.
I think about that every time I fold clothes now...
LoudMansLover 2 years ago
I cannot dry dishes. It triggers massive PTSD attacks even at age 46. My mom would make me dry the dishes every night with a single towel - lots of dishes -- and berate me constantly that I "did it wrong". Every night. Oh and yes, we had a dishwasher. She was insane about rules for it, you could barely use it and never, ever in the summer.
#21
When children aren’t allowed to have boundaries under the guise of ‘’you shall have respect for your elders/parents/family’’
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago
This is often where weaponized (Christian) forgiveness comes in, too. We all know the rhetoric. "How can you hang on to anger like this?" "Honor your father and mother!" "You seem like such an angry, sad person. You need to forgive and let go." No, actually, I'm allowed to be angry and resentful, have feelings, and hold others accountable for their abuses. Sorry it made Grandma cry, but the ones who were "disrespectful" were the relatives who molested me, not me for finally outing it.
#22
Parents not understanding kids have bad days to. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but to their little minds they can get just as overwhelmed as we can mentally.
Eloise Winter 2 years ago
I have to disagree with " to there a little minds" and "may not have a bad day like and adult would" because there day might be worse than an adults and it might not just be small. I had a earth-shattering panic attack at 10 and laid on the floor unable to move after my knees buckled because the earth and walls were shrinking and the only thing I could say for my hour of hardly breathing was "I'm not good enough, why can't I be perfect." I also had depression at 11 and contemplated suicide. So yeah a kids day can really suck sometimes
#23
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about"
"I gave up so much for you and this is how you repay me , by being a little whining brat"
"Sometimes I wish I never had you , why can't you be like *friends name* who is always behaving politely and respectfully "
"Why don't you go and live with *friends name* and their parents. Maybe they will teach you some manners , once you have you can try try speak to me again"
Had this a lot during my childhood
#24
Victim blaming, only seeing the wrong things and ignoring the accomplishments and good and such
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago (edited)
I've mentioned before that my childhood was pretty much a constant gauntlet of bullying and sexual abuse. Every. Single. Time. I mustered the courage to beg my mom to help me, she deflected and made it like it was my fault. My stepfathers had SUCH hard childhoods, I needed to be more understanding, and not put so much stress on them. So-and-so was abused. So-and-so was in Vietnam. So-and-so had mean parents. Maybe I should consider that one of my four-dozen tormenters at school were going through a rough time at home? Or were sad? Or hurt? Maybe I should try reaching out and being friends? OR HEY, MAYBE MY ABUSE AND PAIN WAS JUST AS BAD, MOM? "Hurt people hurt people" is not a f*****g "get out of jail free" card, especially not when it's suggested that, because they had a bad childhood, they now get to destroy mine, too. STOP VICTIM BLAMING CHILDREN. It's not their job to make life easier or more bearable for the adults. If you're that hurt, get therapy.
#26
Thinking that asking a question is arguing
Autistic Wolf 2 years ago
What this means is that your parents don't genuinely love you. They "love" you (huge quotation marks) but it means they don't want you to communicate with them to force them to exert any effort whatsoever pretending they actually care you were born. So you ask a question, it's an inconvenience because you're not supposed to be there... you're just there for the tax breaks... they want you to be more like a stuffed animal or a caged hamster.
#27
When the kids are all in activities they hate because its what the parents want them to do. Living their life over through their kids.
Leslie (they/them) 2 years ago
I’ve had to do cello since second grade. My mom’s side of the family has always done some sort of music thing, but it stresses me out so much. She just won’t let me quit.
#28
Getting your kids to pick sides in your broken marriage
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago (edited)
This is so, so hard. The way my mom phrased it was "Your father loves you as best as he can." That was the only way to understand why he never called, wrote, or had any interest in us except for maybe once a year for a "family" thing where he needed to look like a good dad in front of his brothers. Two insecure, stupid teenagers got married and crapped out kids for all sorts of insecure reasons to make themselves feel important and fulfilled before they'd grown up at all themselves, and then embarked on years of fights and cheating and open marriage? You both sucked, Mom and Dad.
#29
Helicopter parenting
Mrs. Jan Glass 2 years ago (edited)
I see so much of this coming directly from Gen X-ers and growing up as latchkey kids. So many swung that pendulum in the extreme opposite direction as parents themselves that now I have students who start college and have never completed a homework assignment without a parent. They break down at every step of a project or paper because the second they were a little uncomfortable, Mom or Dad would swoop in. Now they have zero life/coping skills.
#30
I've met a lot of messed kids whose divorced parents would use them as an outlet to rip on the other parent, and try and pit the kid against the other parent. It makes you question who's really acting like the child here.
What do you think ?
Polar_bear_lover 2 years ago
punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Felix Grace 2 years ago
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
Load More Replies...
Rose 2 years ago
talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
Joseph Matthews 2 years ago
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
Load More Replies...
James016 2 years ago
I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Edward Willis 2 years ago
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... Polar_bear_lover 2 years ago
punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Felix Grace 2 years ago
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
Load More Replies... Rose 2 years ago
talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
Joseph Matthews 2 years ago
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
Load More Replies... James016 2 years ago
I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Edward Willis 2 years ago
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... You May Like 50 People Express Their Parenting Experiences Through These Funny Tweets (November Edition) Vegetarian Mom Fears Family Will Feed Baby Meat Behind Her Back, Seeks Perspective Online “Picky Eaters Hate This One Simple Trick”: 50 Parenting Hacks People Wish They Knew Sooner (New Pics)
Evelina Šiukšterytė
Gabija Palšytė
Donata Ruzgaitė
Related on Bored Panda
