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“[Am I The Jerk] For Saying That My Husband’s Reaction To A Miscarriage Is Excessive?”
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A miscarriage or stillbirth is tough on both of the parents because they lose someone that they were looking forward to meeting that was a part of them. But usually dads recover faster than mothers, as research shows, and it may be due to dads being more optimistic about a future pregnancy than mothers.
It’s also painful news for other family members as well or even close friends. But is it so painful that you keep crying over it a few months after it happened? This woman didn’t think that it was healthy for her husband to still be sad about his friend’s miscarriage as if it was his own, but was accused of not having enough compassion.
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
Woman is worried about her husband who still cries about his friend’s stillborn baby months after it happened
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Image credits: Amina Filkins (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster’s (OP) husband is still friends with a man named Bill who he first met when he was 16 years old, and now he is 27. It helps that they live nearby and the visits became even more frequent after Bill and his wife announced that they were having a baby.
The husband was overjoyed. In the comments, the woman explained that they don’t have children of their own but would really want to, however, there are some health issues that prevent them from it. So he put all of his energy into his friend’s child and contributed a lot with clothes and things for their nursery.
Unfortunately, six months into the pregnancy, Bill’s wife lost the baby and the couple was devastated, also because their marriage was not as strong. But the baby’s death affected OP’s husband as well.
The author of the post describes her husband and Bill as inseparable friends and they’ve known each other for 11 years
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She explained in the comments that the first month he would openly cry about it to her and the wife understood his feelings as he was sad both for the loss of the child and because his friend was suffering.
But when the woman walked in on her husband crying about it in December, which was a few months after the tragedy in September, she decided to say something to her husband, especially because his reaction when she asked what was wrong was that it was supposed to be obvious.
She told her husband that she is worried such a strong reaction isn’t healthy and maybe he should go see a therapist for it because he was acting as if he lost his own child. The man didn’t take it well and was convinced his feelings were valid and it was the OP who lacked empathy.
The woman really tried to be gentle and wanted to express her concern but is worried that she might have invalidated his emotions without intending to. Because, sure, he has the right to be sad, but maybe he needs some help dealing with the negative emotions.
The man was so thrilled to know that Bill and his wife were expecting a baby and would visit them often, bringing gifts for the baby and the nursery
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Redditors saw OP’s point and agreed that him being so sad over someone else’s unborn child was suspicious, concerning and weird. The woman answered people’s suspicions saying that she is completely sure the baby wasn’t his, so they couldn’t suggest any other plausible theories other than him being unhealthily attached to it. Or he actually is just a sensitive person and he experiences the emotions Bill does because they are so close and talk about it openly.
Although the man isn’t being a good husband to the OP as he is spending more time alone than with her, it seems that he is doing a pretty good job at being a supportive friend. He comforts him as long as he needs and goes on long phone calls.
Unfortunately, 6 months into the pregnancy, the couple lost their baby, which devastated the couple, but also the OP’s husband
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According to Tarra Bates-Duford, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, “The best thing we can do is listen. Listen, don’t offer advice, but really listen and validate their feelings.”
She suggests to check in on the parents who experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth even if they seem fine and be attentive to the other parent who wasn’t the one carrying the child because it’s a loss for both of them.
Another thing to do is ask permission to help, especially when it comes to nursery or baby items that could be returned or packed away. Also, when you offer help, don’t ask what you can do to put the burden on the grieving parents but offer specific things or just do them like bringing dinner.
He was still crying about it in December when he first learnt about it in September, so the wife decided to suggest therapy as in her eyes, it didn’t seem healthy
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Online resource for parents that gives advice approved by experts since 1926, Parents, points out some of the things that you shouldn’t say because they offer no comfort.
These phrases include “It wasn’t a real baby yet,” “At least you weren’t further along,” “It wasn’t meant to be,” “Well, at least you can get pregnant,” “Miscarriage happens to a lot of people,” “Maybe you should have/shouldn’t have…” “You’ll be fine in a few days,” and “Be grateful for what you have.”
All of these phrases invalidate the emotions the person is going through and it makes them feel like they don’t have the right to be sad. So they may start thinking that something is wrong with them and that can lead to other mental health problems.
The man didn’t take it well and was convinced his reaction was normal and it was his wife who lacked empathy
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Image credits: Thiago Zanutim Lucas (not the actual photo)
The husband seems to know what to say and what not to say and is truly compassionate towards his friend. But do you think his reaction to the loss of a child that is not his is too sensitive? Or do you think it is normal because the men are so close? Let us know what explanations you have in the comments.
Redditors didn’t have the feeling that the wife was being inconsiderate and they would be concerned about him too, so therapy seems like a good solution
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What do you think ?
Marno C. 1 year ago
NTA because therapy isn't a penalty nor a negative consequence. If husband hadbeen in an accident that had hurt him physically, urging him to see a doctor wouldn't have been a put down. Therapy is healthy care too. Grief therapy isn't there to trick or shame someone out of grieving nor is it supposed to take it away. Grief therapy is meant to help you process and understand your feelings and to give grief a healthy space in your life. It is there so that grief doesn't debilitate your life and make you torpedo the relationships you need. I hope OP and hubby can hash out what therapy is and isn't because husband could benefit from a good therapist.
Hphizzle 1 year ago
Grief is a hard one to judge. But it sounds like the husband seems rather emotionally invested in the other couple. The enmeshment seems to stem from way before the stillbirth. I hope the husband realizes that he needs therapy soon or he’s probably going to lose his marriage too.
Marie Dahme 1 year ago
I wonder if because his friend has been his friend for so many years (since they were 16)…that the husband saw himself as sort like an “uncle” or a godfather maybe ? And the loss of not being able to honor that role is overwhelming him emotionally and he isn’t able to process what he’s feeling? Just wondering.
Load More Replies...
Dodo 1 year ago
Torn between YTA and NAH. Husband can grieve in his own way and his own time. There may be other things at play that the wife isn't aware of. Maybe this is bringing up insecurities and memories he'd rather not deal with (I burst into tears in sex ed once while miscarriages were discussed, since I have some weird Survivor Guilt over two miscarriages my mother had before I was born). Therapy for the husband is the definite answer but she needs to accept that this has hit him hard.
Marno C. 1 year ago
NTA because therapy isn't a penalty nor a negative consequence. If husband hadbeen in an accident that had hurt him physically, urging him to see a doctor wouldn't have been a put down. Therapy is healthy care too. Grief therapy isn't there to trick or shame someone out of grieving nor is it supposed to take it away. Grief therapy is meant to help you process and understand your feelings and to give grief a healthy space in your life. It is there so that grief doesn't debilitate your life and make you torpedo the relationships you need. I hope OP and hubby can hash out what therapy is and isn't because husband could benefit from a good therapist.
Hphizzle 1 year ago
Grief is a hard one to judge. But it sounds like the husband seems rather emotionally invested in the other couple. The enmeshment seems to stem from way before the stillbirth. I hope the husband realizes that he needs therapy soon or he’s probably going to lose his marriage too.
Marie Dahme 1 year ago
I wonder if because his friend has been his friend for so many years (since they were 16)…that the husband saw himself as sort like an “uncle” or a godfather maybe ? And the loss of not being able to honor that role is overwhelming him emotionally and he isn’t able to process what he’s feeling? Just wondering.
Load More Replies... Dodo 1 year ago
Torn between YTA and NAH. Husband can grieve in his own way and his own time. There may be other things at play that the wife isn't aware of. Maybe this is bringing up insecurities and memories he'd rather not deal with (I burst into tears in sex ed once while miscarriages were discussed, since I have some weird Survivor Guilt over two miscarriages my mother had before I was born). Therapy for the husband is the definite answer but she needs to accept that this has hit him hard.
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