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30 Millennials Share The Life Lessons Their Parents Ingrained In Them That Ended Up As Useless
Needless to say, many things we do as kids—as grown-ups later in life, even—come from our upbringing and the things our parents instill in us. And while most of them typically try their best at being parents, some of their values or beliefs might be questionable at best.
For instance, telling your child that perfectionism should always be the standard might not be a healthy approach, nor arguably is encouraging them to work day, night, and weekends to show their dedication. These are just a couple of examples millennials shared while discussing the things their parents ingrained in them that they later realized were ridiculous. Scroll down to find more on the list below and see just what bizarre beliefs some parents want their children to follow.
Below you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a clinical psychologist and a professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington, Miriam Liss, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions about parental influence.
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#1
That perfectionism is the standard. Things aren't worth doing unless you do them so thoroughly and perfectly that you basically are never done editing. helllllloooooo burnout
RELATED:
#2
Being a member of the clean plate club is not the badge of honor I was told it was
Ronstantin 10 months ago
To make it worse some parents even use(d) arguments like "Be thankful and eat up, because the poor children in Africa have to starve". Never got the connection …
#3
My dad convinced me that "unions suck", either because "dues" or "lazy workers" or "they're all left wing"
Then I got into a union, and the monthly dues are a drop in the bucket compared to my old non-union wages, the wages are high enough that everyone is happy to bust a*s if it's ever actually necessary or beneficial to bust a*s, and the group is generally pretty politically diverse.
Union elections matter as much as actual elections once you're in one. I'm far more concerned about who my union stewards and BAs are than actual politicians.
Discussing people’s habits and behavior, Miriam Liss, professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington, pointed out that they are typically shaped by numerous factors, parental influence being one of them.
“Parent influence is significant but not the only significant influence for children. Genetics also matter, as do influences outside of the family; peers, for example,” she told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
“Nevertheless, parents can instill both behavioral patterns and values in their children that can have a long-lasting influence,” the expert continued. “Many aspects of a child’s behavior are shaped by what we expect of them and what behaviors are reinforced by the family.”
“Parents can also impact what is valued by children. Do parents notice and praise how a child looks or are they more likely to give children praise and attention when they are demonstrating kindness to others? Through selective attention and reinforcement, parents can communicate what is important and valued in their family.”
#4
That you must have a "valid" reason for everything you do. "Because I want to" or "because it makes me happy" are not valid reasons.
#5
That I don’t need to learn to cook or do laundry because “my wife will do that stuff when I get married”. I went off to college having no clue how to do laundry and I didn’t learn how to do the most basic of cooking until my 20s. My three year old literally helps with laundry and cooking more than I ever got to do my 18 years of living at home.
While parental influence does play a significant role, as kids age, it is possible for them to break free of certain behaviors instilled in them by their parents. (That’s likely why people who’ve shared their stories in the thread eventually realized how ridiculous theirs were.)
“Children change all the time, so one could argue that they are never fully ‘set’,” Prof. Liss suggested. “We can always change the expectations we make of our children and that is actually appropriate as children age. For example, you wouldn’t expect a young child to help cook a meal or do their own laundry, but you might expect an older child or teen to do these things.”
#6
I was told, over and over, "Just wait until you are a parent!! Then you will understand!!" Now I'm a parent and have fully concluded they were just trying to mask their insecurities with gaslighting.
Stephanie A Mutti 10 months ago
Now that I'm a parent I have a LOT of questions about choices they made.
#7
Being called 'mature for my age' / 'old soul' was not a gold star, it was because I had no personality other than gaining the approval of parental figures. I always existed for other people, grew up way too fast, and set impossible standards for myself. My late twenties have been fun as I try to figure out who the hell I am now.
Jack Smith 10 months ago (edited)
same. i also now have a superiority complex I'm desperately trying to shake because people convinced me i was mature and therefore better than others my age. goes great with my gifted kid burnout
#8
Hmm... The sort of "Sanctity" of family. Like, just because you are blood related, you somehow need to bend over backwards for them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and that includes the ones I don't see often. That said, some of them are total pricks.. And I would bend over backwards for people I work with that are kind long before I would them. You don't get a pass just because we are related. ^^;
Jack Smith 10 months ago
family and being blood-related are very different things. you choose your family. sometimes your family IS the people you're related to, and that's great! but sometimes it isn't, and you get to choose the people who make you happy. that's what really matters. that you're happy. don't stick with people you don't like or care about.
According to Miriam Liss, if a habit has been ingrained and people want to change it, they need to be consistent and calm about it. “For example, if you [as a parent] have allowed your child to snack before dinner and then you decide you don’t want that behavior anymore, your child might object and complain and you might be tempted to give up and let them snack. However, if you are calm and consistent and explain the reason behind the new rule, eventually even ingrained behaviors can be changed.
“Other things may be harder to change, especially if you don’t realize how you have influenced your child. For example, if you have focused most of your praise on how your child looks, your child may put a high value on their appearance and this may be difficult to change,” she added.
However, according to Liss, even such messages are not set in stone, as both parents and children learn and grow. “As children age they will make their own decisions about whether or not they want to keep the values their family has instilled in them or whether they want to value other things.”
#9
Mental health isn’t real.
Weasel Wise 10 months ago
THIS!!! THIS, THIS, A MILLION TIMES THIS!!! I didn't understand such a thing as mental health existed until my early 20's. Being naive, I mentioned it in front of my parents only one time and was met with being told it was a sign that I need to be attending church and that pumping more Jesus into my life was the fix. 😒😒
#11
That using public safety net programs made you a bad person. Food stamps, WIC, and Medicaid were for people that were completely morally bankrupt and would never make anything of themselves.
While the things that adults in the family consider important and want to ingrain in their children differ with each household, some are arguably universally favorable. According to Prof. Liss, these include a foundational belief that the kids are loved and a belief that it is OK to try difficult things and that growth can happen through failure.
While expanding on the former, the expert pointed out that parents who are warm and caring can help instill a basic sense that a child is worthy of love and attention. That can help the offspring form a secure attachment style, which can bring numerous long-lasting benefits.
Discussing the latter, Dr. Liss emphasized that some parents communicate to their children that they must succeed at all costs and this can make children averse to taking risks and trying new things. “Instead, parents could try to communicate that people grow when they try hard things and that a lot of learning can come from failing and trying again. This can help children cope with challenging situations with strength and resilience."
#12
Someone’s salary reflects both their intelligence and worth as a person, eg the higher salary the a smarter, better person
#13
College = success/money.
Haaaaaaa!!!
Weasel Wise 9 months ago
Two college degrees later and thousands of dollara repaid to my lenders and I'm still doing the same job I did while I put myself through university...and making more money than either my degrees would provide.
#14
You must conform and appear “normal”, otherwise someone might judge you as “weird” and that’s just the worst thing that could possibly happen .
LaserBrain 10 months ago
Well, practically, in many environments not seeming "normal" can make kids a target for bullying.
#15
Make sure to tell your boss that you want to work all the weekends, evenings and holidays so that they know you really care about your job.
#16
That EMTs care about your bra and underwear matching.
Susie Elle 10 months ago
I'm convinced the EMT won't even be able to recollect the color of shape of your underwear if they've been trying to resusitate you
#17
Other people's perception of you was always more important than what you wanted or how you expressed yourself. My grandparents pushed that a lot so I understand where it came from, but once I got older I realized how damaging it was.
#18
That the beatings she doled out as discipline always hurt her more than how she had hurt us.
LaserBrain 10 months ago
I used to hate that phrase (don't remember my parents ever saying it though). But it's entirely possible that some parents think that they have to spank or hit their kids because that's what they were taught, and feel horrible about doing it.
#19
Gendered chores. My husband and I do not observe those rules
#20
Saving the best for last.
Whether it's beer, food, or a nice soap someone gave as a gift.
My mom would hoard them until they were ancient and no longer in fresh enough condition to enjoy properly. Now I have the best thing first and enjoy it to its fullest potential.
3 Otters 🦦 9 months ago
Grandpa used to say always use what’s best. That way you always have the best. He was right.
#22
My dad had a*s hole humor. Like being a jerk is funny. I was an innocent a*s hole to people for a long time. My boyfriend in college would point it out and I was like “what are you talking about?” And it was literally the only thing that straightened me out.
My dad came from an abusive home as a child and as recently cooled his jets in his older age. I think he was unaware and his mom came from an extremely abusive household. Like- she had red hair and they sent her to a farm away from the family and beat her all the time. The other siblings got to live at home.
My college boyfriend came from an abusive household just like me (his dad was an alcoholic, my mom was an alcoholic) so we kinda understood each other and called out each other’s a*s hole-ness all the time.
My husband and I have also worked on it. My husband came from a religious family who shamed as a form of punishment, also pretty abusive. It’s taken years, therapy, and many books, but I think it’s over.
Coming from a tough family takes so long to realize “hey, that’s not normal. That’s being an a*s hole. No wonder I have no friends!” We’ll be raising our son with kindness and not being AHs.
Also, Reddit. I think getting dunked on by you guys all the time made me realize how much of an AH I was too. It hurts, but it’s needed.
Generational trauma! So fun!
Stephanie A Mutti 10 months ago
It took me a long time to learn that my mom making me the butt of her jokes EVEN if they were funny WAS NOT the right thing to do to your child.
#23
Men don't feel emotions 🥲
#24
My parents engrained in me that I absolutely cannot waste food. So, I have a psychological obsession with eating everything from my plate, even if I was already full. Now, when my children didn't finish their plates, I'd have the urge to finish for them instead of throwing the leftovers away.
It's really unhealthy, literally.
#25
Calling everyday when you apply for a job, totally horses**t but I f****n did it for like 5 years after leaving home. Anything concerning work culture honestly
Weasel Wise 9 months ago
Ah, yes, being given advice that worked 60 years ago and, today, deems you as annoying and/or pushy.
#26
Destroying documents. I cant just shred them, i have to run them under water, cover them with soap, and put them in 3 separate garbage cans. Thanks dad.
#28
"Work hard and you will be rewarded." And I somehow continued to believe that c**p long after they themselves established a pattern of never rewarding my hard work, while harshly punishing my failures.
In their defense, they've come around to understand both the double-standard they applied to me and the inherent b******t of the saying itself.
#30
"Washing your hands in the kitchen sink is bad luck." They told me it was from the old country and I didn't learn it was a lie until a few months ago. I told my girlfriend that and she texted my mom to ask if it was true. My mom responded "I just said that to keep them out of the kitchen. Men are so easy to trick!"
What do you think ?
Kevin J. Henning 9 months ago
The big mistake in passing down these "pearls of wisdom" is forgetting that everything changes over periods of time. What worked for my dads generation certainly won't work for mine and damn well won't work for my son's.
Lisa Delgado 9 months ago
The number of people who don't know that "engrain" isn't a word astounds me.
BlackestDawn 9 months ago
From a quick search I found that some claim "engrain" is the verb form of "ingrain" (adjective) while other say it's different ways to spell the same word. It could be this has it's roots in the difference between british and american english.
Load More Replies... The Original Bruno 9 months ago
That you need to save up 20% down before you buy a home. No, they have this thing called "mortgage insurance." You pay a little extra each month. I mean, it's several thousand total which seems a little like a rip-off if you think about it too much, but it's way better than throwing rent down the toilet. Save up now while the interest rates are high. They'll come back down. Get housemates if you have to. Buy a starter home or a condo. Have a mortgage broker have a good, long talk with your parents. Eat nothing but semolina pasta for a couple of years. Do all four (I know a lot of you will have to.) Do whatever you can, but avoid rent at all costs.
Optimyst 9 months ago
Ah, but again, that particular advice won't work for everyone everywhere. Where I live it's a terrible time to buy into the housing market, mortgage rates have doubled over a couple of years and food and gas are more expensive too. People who have bought houses in the last few years are seeing their fixed interest expire and even with a decent wage are struggling.
Load More Replies... Kevin J. Henning 9 months ago
The big mistake in passing down these "pearls of wisdom" is forgetting that everything changes over periods of time. What worked for my dads generation certainly won't work for mine and damn well won't work for my son's.
Lisa Delgado 9 months ago
The number of people who don't know that "engrain" isn't a word astounds me.
BlackestDawn 9 months ago
From a quick search I found that some claim "engrain" is the verb form of "ingrain" (adjective) while other say it's different ways to spell the same word. It could be this has it's roots in the difference between british and american english.
Load More Replies... The Original Bruno 9 months ago
That you need to save up 20% down before you buy a home. No, they have this thing called "mortgage insurance." You pay a little extra each month. I mean, it's several thousand total which seems a little like a rip-off if you think about it too much, but it's way better than throwing rent down the toilet. Save up now while the interest rates are high. They'll come back down. Get housemates if you have to. Buy a starter home or a condo. Have a mortgage broker have a good, long talk with your parents. Eat nothing but semolina pasta for a couple of years. Do all four (I know a lot of you will have to.) Do whatever you can, but avoid rent at all costs.
Optimyst 9 months ago
Ah, but again, that particular advice won't work for everyone everywhere. Where I live it's a terrible time to buy into the housing market, mortgage rates have doubled over a couple of years and food and gas are more expensive too. People who have bought houses in the last few years are seeing their fixed interest expire and even with a decent wage are struggling.
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