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56 People Share The Most Respectful Ways They’ve Been Rejected, And People Should Take Notes
Interview
Rejection is—unfortunately—a core and inevitable part of dating. So, asking someone out to go on a date with you can be incredibly stressful. In the back of your mind, you’re likely wondering, what if this doesn’t work out? And, let’s not be naive—things often really don’t work out as planned. However, there is a silver lining!
The person rejecting you wields a lot of power in their hands. How they turn you down and phrase things can have a massive impact on how you feel about the entire debacle in the end. Inspired by u/theonlinepartofme, the r/AskReddit community spilled the tea about the most respectful ways someone rejected them. Scroll down for their wholesome stories!
Bored Panda got in touch with the person behind the interesting thread, u/theonlinepartofme, and they were kind enough to share their thoughts on rejection, honesty, and how to handle these situations well. You'll find our interview with them below.
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#1
Went on a few dates with her after moving to a new country. She said something along the lines of “I think you’re nice and you’ll do well with the girls here, but I’m just not feeling it.”
We still bump into each other and have a chat and it’s not awkward at all, which I put down to her honesty and maturity.
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#2
"You seem to want a boyfriend, I'm a workaholic and can't see that in my life right now." It hurt but I appreciated the honesty.
#3
A girl I liked said "No, you don't want that. I turn into a real b***h in a relationship. And I like you. I can't do that to you." Ok, fine, A+ for originality, but whatever.
Then she dated a friend of mine. HOLY. C**P. I consider her rejection one of the *nicest things anyone has ever done for me.*.
According to Marriage.com, in the United States, women are almost twice as likely to initiate breakups than men. Around 70% of straight, unmarried couples don't last long: they break up within the first year of starting dating.
42% of people who made up their minds to break up with their partners waited a week before finally breaking up with them. 58% of people think that their breakups are messy or dramatic.
While 19% of people admitted that they ended up ghosted by their former partners, 71% said that they still stayed in touch with them after the breakup.
#4
I once heard, "I have a lot of respect for you, but I don’t see us being a match", it was honest without being harsh.
#5
The best was a polite "I think we’re on different wavelengths, but I appreciate the chat".
#6
“Wow, I can’t believe someone as great as you would want to date me. Unfortunately, I’m not ready to date at this time, but I’ll let you know if things change.”
I walked away feeling really good after that.
Redditor u/theonlinepartofme told Bored Panda that it's always best to lead with kindness and empathy. Unless you're rejecting someone who is dangerous or actively making you uncomfortable, it can help to flip the situation and consider how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.
"In the end, everyone wants acknowledgment or appreciation," they said. "If the advance is genuine, there's no way the rejection can be fully okay, but I think to let them know that their interest and courage are still appreciated can save them from much regret or shame."
Honesty also plays a big role in turning someone down. From the author's perspective, if there are some circumstances that prevent you from dating the other person, it might help to let them know that it's not them personally at fault here. "I personally think treating them as a human with human aches, fears, pain, anxiety, is the most important thing, rejection aside."
#7
She knew I have an affinity for Ancient Greek and composed her rejection in Attic prose. Stung, but how can I not respect that?
#8
"I'd rather have you as a friend i can talk to and feel safe with".
Andrew Irish 2 months ago
This is beautiful. I think a lot of people could sincerely benefit from even knowing someone said this once. It is pretty sad that this is unusual. It isn't that someone crushing on you makes them dangerous, of course, but especially for women flirting can be a first signal for something that will turn dangerous. And probably has before. Even if that danger is simply being angry at rejection or not being interested in hooking up as quickly as the person instigating the flirting. I applaud the individual that said this, their introspection and courage, as well as the individual that took it so well as to consider it a positive form of letting them know they were not interested. So much so, they remember it and repeat it.
#9
I felt hopeful for our relationship when they stated, "I appreciate your interest, but I just don't see a future for us together. Can we still be friends?" It was a mature and courteous statement.
"Whether you're turning someone down, being turned down, or about to possibly be turned down, interest in someone is incredibly special in this beautiful yet also cold life," the author opened up to Bored Panda that they really value people's courageous attempts to put themselves out there in a vulnerable position.
"So, hopefully, all sides keep mind of this. And if you could be turned down, you're braver and cooler than most of us."
The redditor who sparked the intriguing discussion opened up to Bored Panda that they generally like to turn to the r/AskReddit community whenever they have any questions running through their mind.
"This question in particular came up when I was talking with a friend about rejection or break-ups, and how these days people are so sensitive and can take rejection to even a scary level. I then wondered what would be the best way to go about the worst situation: getting turned down," u/theonlinepartofme said, adding that the person doing the rejecting has a lot of power to make the memory of the event better or worse for the other individual.
#11
The nicest rejection to the first time I ever initiated interest, was quite an impactful life lesson for me.
A guy who was more of a friendly stranger/acquaintance than anything, I asked him out. He did look really surprised, when I did and took his time to respond. He said he was very flattered but he couldn't as he had just started seeing someone (which was true and I believe they are still together many years on).
But he never stopped being friendly and kind in front of his friends when he saw me.
It was impactful because, I put myself out there, it wasn't the social catastrophe I always imagined in my head by taking that risk and it validated my trust in my own judgement in being able to "pick" a kind person. Definitely put me in a better headspace for when I eventually met my now husband.
#12
(in high school) She told me that she thought I was nice, but her friend liked me and she'd feel bad if we went out, so I should ask her out instead.
I ended up going out with the friend for over a year.
According to the author, they haven't turned down too many people, but they usually stick to a very simple and straightforward script of thanking them for their interest and then apologizing.
"If it had to come up again, especially if it were with someone important to me, I'd still want them to walk away feeling good about the courage to have asked, as I'd also want to feel that way in the flipped situation. Therefore, I wanted to hear first-hand answers," they said.
There are lots of things to consider when rejecting someone. There’s some delicate balance work to focus on. For instance, most people don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings, even if they don’t view them in a romantic light. So, they want to avoid being callous or overly harsh.
At the same time, vagueness is also emotionally dangerous. If you’re too ambiguous and overly friendly, it can wreak a ton of havoc in your life. For example, if the other person believes they still might have a shot at being with you, they might continue with their (unwanted) advances.
#13
“I really appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to waste your time if I’m not feeling the same way.” Honest, clear, and no awkwardness.
#14
The best way for me was that when I asked, she simply told me that she isn't attracted/interested. That way you know you'll never make a chance. If they'll tell you that they aren't in the right place to date right now, sure it's polite, but it's a lie. And this also makes you feel like you'll have a chance some day.
Pittsburgh rare 2 months ago (edited)
THIS. While it might be true that someone isn't in the right place to date, it's become the go-to rejection phrase, as it doesn't make it personal, but it stings when you see them dating shortly after and now "it's not you, it's me" is often taken as an excuse, because let's face it... it's you 😂
#15
He gave me a blue flower on valentine’s day… blue flowers signify friendship. poetic, yes.
In short, when turning someone down, you want to be as clear as possible without being too blunt. You want to consider the other person’s feelings without giving them any romantic hope where there is none. Honesty really is the best policy… for everyone involved.
However, it’s not just what you say but also how you phrase things that’s important. Your tone of voice and body language can have a huge impact on how the rejected person feels. They’ll feel hurt if you sound like you’re too flippant or mock them. On the other hand, adding some gentle humor can defuse the tension and show that there’s nothing personal about the rejection: you’re simply not interested, no matter how awesome they are.
#16
He said he wasn't interested and that he looked at me as more of a sister he never had than a girlfriend, which I understood and respected. We're still very good friends to this day.
#17
I was hired for a brand new hardware store and there was a hot construction worker during the fitout. I mustered up the courage to ask for his number just before the store opened. He said he was flattered but married. We chatted briefly and that was that. He was a nice guy.
#18
I was at a bar doing some day drinking in my late 20s. I was there with a large group of people, as one will do in Fells Point, Baltimore. I approached 3 ladies at a bar table, said a few words and got them to laugh. One girl simply says, “We’re sorry, we all have boyfriends.”
I replied with something like, “Oh, that’s cool. Well, you all enjoy our day. It was lovely talking to you.” I said it genuinely and with a smile.
The girls giggled between them then one piped up, “We think you’re cute though.”
I laugh, said thank you, and walked away.
Verywell Mind notes that the key to nice rejections is to be kind but firm. Here are a few things that you could potentially tell the other person when turning them down gently:
- “That's really kind of you to ask, but no thank you.”
- “Thank you for following up. I had a good time on our last date but out of respect for your time and mine, I want to be honest and let you know that I’m not feeling the connection I'm looking for.”
- “I wish you the best and I hope that you find all that you are seeking.”
#19
He said, 'you're an amazing person, but I just don’t feel that spark.' Honestly, it hurt, but I appreciated the honesty more than anything.
#20
They gave me a cookie and said, 'I'm not interested, but I appreciate the offer.' That cookie was my closure, and I will forever cherish it.
#21
'You're nice but just not my type' that was understandable and ok for me. And wayyy nicer than just being ghosted.
Lulu Waters 2 months ago
I was 19 or 20 and still trying to find myself. I finally got a chance to date the crush of my high school years. We didn’t stay together very long because he left a message on my voicemail that said while he liked me and you know validated all my positive attribute said that I complained too much. While it hurt like hell, it was definitely the beginning of a new outlook for me. I had never known that about myself and it really gave me the opportunity to look inward. He wasn’t being malicious or rude he was just being honest. I will forever be appreciative of him for that, because it changed me as a person
On the flip side, you should definitely avoid giving anyone false hope. For instance, you should avoid phrases like “maybe later.” Furthermore, it’s only polite not to ghost someone. They’re a real person with real feelings. If you’re not interested, tell them. Give them some closure.
Meanwhile, you should probably avoid using cliches like “it’s not you, it’s me” that you often hear people using in films and TV shows. It’s not genuine. It’s an easy way out. And the other person deserves to hear the truth, even if it is slightly uncomfortable.
#22
Asked if she wanted to see me again and she sent me a Simon Cowell gif, "it's a no from me."
It was hilarious.
#23
After 2 months of dating, I'd been falling for her hard and she knew it, so she sat me down and told me that she didn't have feelings for me yet, and that she was going to start seeing other guys (we weren't exclusive yet). She was willing to keep dating because she really liked spending time with me and knew I'd be a good boyfriend for her, but I suspected it'd just be worsening the inevitable pain so I ended it. After we split she texted me that she thought I was a wonderful person and that I hoped I found someone.
It didn't stop me from being a little heartbroken, but I did feel valued and felt that like she'd really wanted it to work out.
#24
She said she wasn't ready for a relationship but that I would be the first person she called if she was ready.
Honestly, when I asked her I don't think I was ready either. I just kind of blurted after we had a few drinks.
The feelings haven't changed, but it was just the wrong time to do so.
What’s the most respectful way that someone has ever rejected you, Pandas? On the other hand, what’s the best way you’ve ever turned someone down?
Have you ever accidentally given someone any false hope by being too vague? Has anyone had a bad reaction to you turning them down? If you feel like sharing, scroll down to the comments section to open up about your experiences.
#25
“You’re just not my type” is the best version of rejection.
It can’t be argued, but it also doesn’t communicate that the person is unattractive in general, just in a subjective manner.
It also doesn’t contain some kind of dishonest compliment.
#26
I was dating a girl that lived 2 hours away. She waited for a weekend where she could drive down to me (We took turns driving up/down) to dump me in person, when she could have EASILY just saved the time, money and effort to do it over text. As much as that sucked, I respect her for that.
#27
It was a simple "i have someone, but thank you for the compliment."
in just those few words she let me know that she didn't think i was a creep for asking, and she recognized that i asked because i liked something about her.
i still remember it, years later.
ETA i don't know if the boyfriend part was true, and it didn't matter. the thanks part, i liked that.
#28
I had a beautiful girl in one of my lab classes in college (I'm almost 50 now but still remember!) and I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. I was gentlemanly about it but probably also visibly at least a bit nervous. She looked me right in the eye and said something along the lines of "oh my gosh, that is so sweet of you. but I can't, I'm already with someone." Just a nice combination of being genuine and kind and (presumably?) honest, showing some appreciation for the compliment and not making it weird. She got a compliment and I walked away with my dignity and knowing I at least tried. Could be much worse.
#29
It wasnt during the time he turned me down, but years later that guy contacted me again (when he was engaged already) and told me he used to have severe attachment issues and that he thought i was too nice of a girl to break my heart so he decided to drop me instead of playing unfair and he just wanted to apologise :)
That felt quite good to hear:).
Eastendbird 2 months ago
I treated my first serious boyfriend pretty badly towards the end of our relationship. A few years later I was dumped by a guy in a particularly nasty way. I contacted my first boyfriend and we went for a drink. I apologised for the way I'd treated him and said I understood now how it felt to be "on the other side" as it were. Years later my mum met an ex-classmate of mine who'd married my first boyfriend. She told my mum that he still spoke warmly about me and my family and that he appreciated my apology. Didn't excuse my bad behaviour but made me feel a little better.
#30
They just said they weren’t ready for a relationship but valued my friendship.
What do you think ?
Comment Deleted 2 months ago
Now lets do how many women gently reject guys and get screamed at and called ugly whores.
John Harrison 2 months ago
Welcome to BP, you're definitely in the right place.
Load More Replies...
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 months ago
I like these, mature human beings. Bear in mind though, some of us ghost you or give brief excuses because we don't feel safe telling you the truth. It isn't that we don't want to be honest. Don't be a dbag and let us be honest so we aren't wasting each other's time and energy 🙂👍
Christine Stewart 2 months ago
Sadly, I bet almost every one of these polite rejections has been used by someone to dissuade a stalker/unhinged person from trying to pursue them and the polite rejection just leads to maniacal arguments from the nutjob about why the rejection is wrong! (not to say that "normal" people wouldn't appreciate a respectful rejection!)
Comment Deleted 2 months ago
Now lets do how many women gently reject guys and get screamed at and called ugly whores.
John Harrison 2 months ago
Welcome to BP, you're definitely in the right place.
Load More Replies... Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 months ago
I like these, mature human beings. Bear in mind though, some of us ghost you or give brief excuses because we don't feel safe telling you the truth. It isn't that we don't want to be honest. Don't be a dbag and let us be honest so we aren't wasting each other's time and energy 🙂👍
Christine Stewart 2 months ago
Sadly, I bet almost every one of these polite rejections has been used by someone to dissuade a stalker/unhinged person from trying to pursue them and the polite rejection just leads to maniacal arguments from the nutjob about why the rejection is wrong! (not to say that "normal" people wouldn't appreciate a respectful rejection!)
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