"Hi, I'm Andrew. My family is super conservative and voted for Trump so you're going to have to cover your tattoos and hide your blue hair when you meet my mom. Also, can you take out your nose rings? They're kinda weird.

Hi. My name is "I made my ex to slit her wrist to prove she actually loved me."

Hi. "I like to [annoy] you for my own amusement. And when we got visit your grandfather's grave, I'll say 'Why are we here, it's not like there is anything there.'"

Hi. Nice to meet you. "I don't really know why, but I just feel the need to punch you in the face right now. Don't worry, I would never do it. But sometimes I look at you and I juts want to hit you as hard as I can. Don't worry I won't do it though."

Hi. My name is "All my exes are crazy."

Hi. I'm "I just separated with my second wife. Nice to meet you. And P.S. I'm actually very much with her and when you hear me refer to my awful roommate, it's actually my wife."

Hey. How are you doing? "Yeah, my parents have money. I rely on them for everything. I have never had an actual job but yeah, I call myself rich even though it's their money."

Hi. My name is "I know you're a lot younger than me, but your credit score is better than mine, so yeah, this could work out for us."

Hey, what's up. I'm homeless and pretending to like you so I can have a place to live. Also, I'm never getting any of those jobs I lied to you about applying for, so you'll have to kick me out after three months.

"My name is *cough* and I just got a job at the 7/11. Was the worst day of my life man."

"Oh yeah, the first day at a new job's always tough. Tomorrow will be better."

"Oh no, I don't come back there til next Saturday. I don't wanna work more than one day a week."

*A week later*

"Hey, so how's the job going?"

"I kinda feel like I know how the holocaust survivors felt, like maybe kind of worse actually. No, seriously, I mean it. It's a really hard job. It's harder than yours."

"I teach special needs 3-year-olds at a public school."

"I risk getting shot every single day."

"We practice hiding in the closet. I keep a baseball bat in there."

Hi. I'm "Sociopath is just a nickname my friends gave me."

Hi. "I've been married and divorced twice before the age of 22 and I was in the navy."

Hi. My name is "the first time I hang out with you after we meet at a party, I'm going to invite all of my friends over to your house. Then when my friends get there I'm going to proceed to have a fight with them. Then, once that fight's over we're all going to go to the bar together. And while I'm at the bar, I'm going to fall asleep standing up on the dance floor. Then after you call me an Uber while going back to my place, I'm going to fall asleep in the front seat of the Uber to the point where you can't wake me up or the Uber driver can't wake me up. And the Uber driver has to threaten to call the cops before you drag me into your house. And then when I finally get in bed, I'm going to throw up all over your sheets, call you my ex's name and tell you I love you.

Hi. I am "repeated physical intimidation. like when I'm lying down, punching the ground next to my face and shoving me up against the wall, but he's not an abuser and it's okay because he never actually hit me."

"Hi. I had a great time on our date tonight but I just got out of prison and don't have somewhere to stay tonight. Can I stay at yours?"

Hi. My name is "I had sex with my step-sibling as revenge for my parents getting divorced."

Hi. "I am onTinder because my best friend uses it. Even though there's recently updated pictures of me. I swear, I don't use it. It's for my best friend."

Hi. My name is "not your type at all. I'm gonna make you like me for my personality and gonna lead you on for about 6 or 7 months. I'm gonna talk to you every single morning, I'm gonna text you throughout the day, I'm gonna do everything correctly. I'm gonna call you at nighttime. Then I'm gonna claim that we're just friends. We're not talking. I'm not gonna be your man. Then I'm gonna finally set a date for us. Right before our first date I'm gonna start ignoring you, then blocking you, then I'm gonna unblock you and try to block your iCloud. I'm also an Aries."

"Hi. I'm still married and she hates my guts, but I'm still trying to make things work."

Hi. My name is "I change my ex girlfriend's name to a different boy name every time I get caught cheating because I don't want my girlfriend to know."

"Hi. I'm a libertarian."

Hi. "I'm unavailable for a relationship because it's 'gaming season' and there wouldn't be time for you."

He had this weird obsession with Jimmy Savile. Jimmy Savile?!

"Hi. When no one's around I like to be talked to like a baby and you're my mommy. Lets stay together for 2 years."

Hi. "I have my ex's name tattooed on me."