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Woman Is Told She Shouldn’t Have Brought Up Her Mistreatment In Childhood After Refusing To Give Her Stepfather A Loan
When one of the parents starts a new relationship and the stranger becomes one’s new mom or dad, kids can react in several different ways. They might really like the person, reject them or tolerate them because they know their parent is happy.
Kids having a negative reaction is understandable, but when the grown up is clearly not putting effort into treating all kids equally, it gets problematic and will deepen the resentment even more. They shouldn’t be surprised when the kids grow up and don’t consider them family.
But it happens more often than you would think. This woman on Reddit got to see it with her own eyes when her stepfather, who didn’t care about her in her childhood, went to her to ask for a loan as his biological daughter needed the money for a down payment.
More info: Reddit
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Woman never felt that her stepfather was her family, so his argument of being so when asking for money couldn’t convince her
Image credits: Micah Baldwin (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) is now 29 years old and when she was 10, her mom married her stepfather. The woman’s father was absent and her mom was working at a job paying minimum wage, but the stepfather was well off and the family was now living in a big house and in a nice neighborhood.
The problem was that the stepfather didn’t treat his stepchildren, which was the OP and her older brother Luke, the same as his biological daughters Amy and Ada, who were 12 and 11 years old.
Amy and Ada had their separate rooms while OP and Luke had to share one room even though there was another spare room in the house. But the stepfather refused to allow the kids to use that room because their mother was contributing to the house less, so she got to use less of it.
It was agreed from the beginning that the spouses would have separate finances and would take care of their children separately, but it seemed unfair that the stepfather would take his kids and his wife on a vacation a few times a year but leave out his stepchildren.
The woman is now 29 years old and when she was 10, her mom married her stepfather and the whole family, including her older brother, moved in with him
Image credits: 692MPLMN
The stepchildren were clearly mistreated and emotionally abused, but their mom thought everything was fine as long as they lived in a nice home. Some people in the comments caught this detail and, remembering that the family came from a poor background, believed that the mom thought that this was better than struggling to pay rent in a crumbling apartment.
The children didn’t agree and were determined to become financially independent when they had a chance. The woman became a software engineer for a big company and bought herself a house before turning 30. Her older brother was also doing very well financially and after moving out of the home, they didn’t really keep in touch with their stepfather or stepsisters.
The mom had a minimum wage job, so the new life was quite different as they were living in a big house which was located in a nice neighborhood
Image credits: 692MPLMN
But recently she visited her mom and met her stepfather, who took the opportunity to ask for financial assistance. Turns out that Amy is pregnant and wants to buy a house, but she needs £50k more for her deposit and seeing that the OP and Luke already have houses, they could help their sister out.
The stepfather promised to pay back the money with his inheritance, but both the OP and her brother refused. Not only because she didn’t believe she’d be receiving that inheritance, but because she didn’t want to. Because she gladly helped her cousin with buying a house, so it wasn’t a money issue.
However, the parents kept their finances separate so the stepchildren wouldn’t get nice things bought for them and had to share a room despite there being a spare one
Image credits: 692MPLMN
The stepfather brought up the family argument and that they should help each other out, so the OP reminded him how he treated his family when she was a kid. Apparently the stepfather regretted favoring his own daughters in the past, but that didn’t change the OP’s mind as he admitted his mistake when Luke and OP were already independent and didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.
Even though what the woman said was true and valid, her mom believed that she didn’t need to bring up her childhood as an argument to reject the request for a loan. The OP wouldn’t have even mentioned it if the stepfather would have just accepted she won’t give his daughter any money, but calling them a family to demand money was going too far.
That drove the woman and her brother to become independent as soon as possible and they both now have their own houses
Image credits: 692MPLMN
People in the comments agreed that the stepfather mentioning how family needs to support one another was asking for the reply that the OP gave. They were also quite disappointed in OP’s mom because she didn’t stand up for her children.
Mike And Kim Coaching says that stepparents shouldn’t be expected to love their stepchildren as they do their biological kids because it takes time, but even if you don’t love them the same amount, you can be fair in the way you treat them.
They make a distinction between love and favor: “showing favor is different than love… and favor is a double-edged sword. It can be relatively easy for a stepparent to favor a stepchild — behave friendly, supportive and kind toward them. But when bio-children are part of the dynamic, this can become something else altogether. Favor tends to look more like preferential treatment or favoritism toward those with biological ties.”
The stepfather’s biological daughter also is planning to buy a house, but she needs more money for the down payment, so he asked the woman to contribute
Image credits: 692MPLMN
There are a few obvious ways how favoritism manifests itself and Family Life warns parents to take action if they feel like one child is regularly getting more expensive gifts than the other, if they punish some children more than the others, or if they give them more chores and responsibilities. It is normal to spend more time with your own children, but experts advise to balance it and give your attention to every child.
It is important to keep the balance, because favoritism in mixed families has serious consequences. The children may resent both of their parents and feeling less favored can lead to psychological issues. It also possibly ruins relationships between step-siblings so just like the OP, they might not feel like a family even though they are by definition.
She refused and when the stepfather wouldn’t stop insisting and telling her that family helps each other, the woman reminded him how she was treated as a child
Image credits: 692MPLMN
The woman’s mom though this was a bit harsh as the man regretted his behavior, so she asks if her words were justified
Image credits: k.steudel (not the actual photo)
How do you feel about this story? Do you think that because the OP was able to live in a nice house, she is now supposed to give her stepfather’s daughter a loan that she knows she will not get back? Or do you agree with others who don’t think the man deserves it? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Redditors felt sorry for what the woman went through and didn’t think that she owed the man anything, pointing out that her mom is the jerk in this situation
What do you think ?
Yeah, okay. 2 years ago
Dear heavens the mom must have been desperate to marry that guy, just so she could give her kids a better house? FFS, she likely could have just rented a better place and eventually married a real man instead of that Scrooge wannabe.
Salty_Sasquatch 2 years ago
And the fact that she worked a minimum wage job and he had a higher paying job and he wanted them to contribute equally to the household? I hope she didn't find that out until after marrying him. If I'd found out before the wedding I would have said hell no.
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Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
Add manipulation to his list of crimes. Dangling the possibility of an inheritance in front of the kids he treated like s**t when they were young—-that even they know would never materialize, even if they did lend their stepsister the money—-is really the lowest of the f*****g low attempts at playing sick mind games on them. Glad they’re not falling for it. (For context, my own father was an a*****e, and when he got too old to live on his own, he tried dangling that same carrot of an inheritance in front of my nose too. Problem was, I not only had no need of it, I also already knew he had blown through nearly all the money he had in retirement investments after my mother died, when he decided he wanted to live like a rich bachelor, because he still considered himself a stud—-which he wasn’t. All he had left was one tiny investment and his Social Security, which he had been collecting since he retired in 1982. He died at 95, in 2011, unable to afford his own funeral and owing money to the nursing home I had the Elder Advocate put him in, as I lived across the country from him and had cut direct contact with him, for the second time in my life, after he started pulling the same b******t he did when I was growing up. From personal experience, I want to warn you to never believe the lies an abusive parent will tell you to try and get you to be their servant, their nurse, and their diaper changer when they’re old.)
Linda Lee 2 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry you went through that Kathryn. Did you pay for your father's bills after his death? The nursing home, his funeral? Other expenses?
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Yeah, okay. 2 years ago
Dear heavens the mom must have been desperate to marry that guy, just so she could give her kids a better house? FFS, she likely could have just rented a better place and eventually married a real man instead of that Scrooge wannabe.
Salty_Sasquatch 2 years ago
And the fact that she worked a minimum wage job and he had a higher paying job and he wanted them to contribute equally to the household? I hope she didn't find that out until after marrying him. If I'd found out before the wedding I would have said hell no.
Load More Replies... Kathryn Baylis 2 years ago (edited)
Add manipulation to his list of crimes. Dangling the possibility of an inheritance in front of the kids he treated like s**t when they were young—-that even they know would never materialize, even if they did lend their stepsister the money—-is really the lowest of the f*****g low attempts at playing sick mind games on them. Glad they’re not falling for it. (For context, my own father was an a*****e, and when he got too old to live on his own, he tried dangling that same carrot of an inheritance in front of my nose too. Problem was, I not only had no need of it, I also already knew he had blown through nearly all the money he had in retirement investments after my mother died, when he decided he wanted to live like a rich bachelor, because he still considered himself a stud—-which he wasn’t. All he had left was one tiny investment and his Social Security, which he had been collecting since he retired in 1982. He died at 95, in 2011, unable to afford his own funeral and owing money to the nursing home I had the Elder Advocate put him in, as I lived across the country from him and had cut direct contact with him, for the second time in my life, after he started pulling the same b******t he did when I was growing up. From personal experience, I want to warn you to never believe the lies an abusive parent will tell you to try and get you to be their servant, their nurse, and their diaper changer when they’re old.)
Linda Lee 2 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry you went through that Kathryn. Did you pay for your father's bills after his death? The nursing home, his funeral? Other expenses?
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