Woman Feels Taken Advantage Of By Brother, Offers A Compromise And Gets An Unexpectedly Negative Reaction
Interview With ExpertFinding reasonable, quality, and available child care is something many working parents struggle with. To make matters easier, some turn to their relatives for help, which is certainly a more convenient and affordable option. However, this can quickly backfire when such a privilege is taken advantage of.
Just like what happened to this woman who was babysitting her niece and nephew while their parents were searching for a new daycare. This arrangement was supposed to be temporary, but after two months, she was still looking after them out of her pocket. Having enough, she requested payment for her services, which majorly upset them, causing family drama.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with childcare and nanny coach Shannon Parola, who kindly agreed to answer a few questions on the topic.
Asking relatives to babysit can be a great option for parents struggling with childcare
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
However, this couple overstepped all boundaries when they left their kids at SIL’s house to babysit full-time for free
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anon
“Providing relief by taking care of someone’s kids for free can be monumental for young families, but the reality is that some people can’t afford to”
Image credits: Prostock-studio / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
The benefits of using family as childcare is undeniable. The first one that childcare and nanny coach Shannon Parola mentions is familiarity. “You know these people well and often trust them very much. In most cases, this also means lower-cost or no-cost childcare,” she says. “Families [also] get to make memories and have extra time together.”
However, there’s also the other side of the coin, when asking for such favors can negatively affect relatives’ relationships. Parola names three scenarios that can cause tension or change in family dynamics. First, “The parents disagree with how the family member handles certain childcare situations or fails to meet expectations.”
The second is when “the caregiver is being unappreciated and overworked, and they reach their breaking point,” says Parola. The third one involves a caregiver, usually a grandparent, who “unexpectedly can’t care for the child anymore due to illness, injury, or general aging. In all these situations, the parents depend on the family member for childcare, and when it doesn’t work out, it can take time to find a new childcare method that comes at a higher price.”
“Providing relief by taking care of someone’s kids for free can be monumental for young families, but the reality is that some people can’t afford to,” says etiquette expert Lizzie Post, who’s not a parent but frequently babysits her nieces and nephews. She often voluntarily offers to watch them so she doesn’t charge for it. However, she mentions that this can vary depending on what works for certain people and their families.
Experts believe that parents should provide some kind of compensation if the family member is taking care of their child weekly
Image credits: deriabinanatalia / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
When it comes to compensating relatives for their childcare services Parola believes that parents should provide some kind of reimbursement if the family member is taking care of their child weekly.
“I know some grandparents refuse or will put the money in an account for the kids for a rainy day. The main point is that appreciation needs to be shown regardless of family members who give up their time for your family. I always tell clients to ask the provider what they are thinking.”
If parents can’t offer a competitive hourly rate, they can think of more affordable alternatives, like a $50 gift card to a salon, so they can treat themselves. When that’s not possible, Posts encourages them to be open about their circumstances by saying something like, “Things are tough for me right now, and I could really use some relief.”
Despite parents’ budgets, Post says that it’s good etiquette to show appreciation for relatives by making things easier for them. This means delivering the kids fed and/or with snacks, diapers, toys, and planned activities (if possible!).
What’s important to keep in mind is that every childcare arrangement is nuanced and worth discussing before to avoid any feelings of underappreciation or resentment from building. Parola encourages parents to do this even before the baby arrives.
“We’ve seen in the news stories about parents being upset over grandparents not watching the kids. Parents can not ASSUME that their family members (mom, dad, sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins, etc.) will help with childcare unless they ASK. By asking ahead of time, they can either rest assured they have family help or start looking for alternative childcare options,” she says.
Most readers agreed that the author wasn’t a jerk for asking for compensation for her service
Meanwhile, some believed that both sides were wrong
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
The last two comments on the first page are ridiculous, she has to go back to work at some point anyway, she has an eight month old baby and two other children and she's not being paid anything though providing 40 hours of two extra children with no supplies. They're taking the p**s! She really needed to spend time with her own children but added two extra full time. She also only wanted a fraction of what they'd have paid at daycare. They're also lied and haven't even bothered to get their kids into another daycare. SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO WORK AT SOME POINT anyway. Can't believe anyone would think this woman was wrong. Their reaction to being asked to PROVIDE for them is disgusting and have burnt their bridges because of name calling over a reasonable amount. As for the rest of the family, they need to offer to do this or shut up! I'll lay money on it that there's no way most people would look after two kids when they have three kids and for free full time. Fools for their reaction !
Plus the only reason OP was still at home is because she had birth complications. She wasn't physically well enough to be back at work yet her brother and sister in law took advantage 100%. They are the biggest a.r.s.e.h.o.l.e.s I've read about on here for some time.
Load More Replies...As usual, YTA comments from entitled a******s like OP's brother. She is so NTA.
Maybe I just haven't been reading them, but the AITA posts for a few weeks now have been pretty cut & dry.
Load More Replies...As soon as someone says 'But we're family' to make you do something you're not prepared to do you know TA is not you. The family-argument only works one way, you see, and it's always to the detriment of the party NOT using it. Family can be a powerful thing, but there is a vast difference between, 'Of course, we're family, you know' and 'But we're family!'. OP is not anywhere near wrong.
Whenever someone says you have to do this because we’re family, that usually means they know they’re in the wrong and they know they’re taking advantage of you. Just because you’re “family” doesn’t mean you have to be their doormat.
If anything, you should treat somebody better because theyre family, not worse. How many sisters does that ah have that hes willing to lose one so easily?
Load More Replies...So paying $100 to "family" for watching two, young children five days a week is "outrageous"!? What was it costing them for the daycare provider? And wouldn't they have already been paying that if you HAD went back to work like he mentioned. We get to pick our friends, unfortunately, we don't get to pick our family and that IS unfortunate sometimes.
Nope, only people SH are the brother and his wife. They refuse to get daycare, refuse to cover their own kids and then blow it up on social media. I really like what Catlore said about how to respond online.
So because "we're family" I'm suppose to watch your kids for free and then let you call me "lazy"? Yea, right. #getbent
Sorry, but 2 months is a long time to be asked to watch someone's kids. It really shouldn't take more than 2 weeks to find an alternative. It's perfectly reasonable not to ask for money in this situation for a couple of weeks. But after two months, you damn well better start paying. Being family will only extend you so far. And the moment you become an unnecessary burden, the obligation ends. And now that they behavior has become so insanely out of line and they've doubled down by airing it all in public, they can take a flying leap at this point along with anyone defending them without bothering to hear your side.
My sister had to find emergency daycare for my niece and nephew because the owner of the private daycare she originally used was a bìtch. KinderCare took care of the problem in a pinch, deposit not withstanding. In an emergency, it's entirely possible.
Load More Replies...Of course - out came the "but family " guilt trip cards. Ppl love pulling those when they have no other way to defend their action. God I hate when ppl do that. It irritates the p**s out of me! It also has the opposite result than desired because I know they are 100%in the wrong. These ppl were taking advantage of you. They had no intention of paying for child care because they had a sweet deal with "family ". They were told that she wasn't going to be a permanent child care center for those kids.This was temporary. On top of that everything that she does for their kids is out of her pocket and life is pretty expensive at the present time. On top of that, she's home after having a child with serious medical complications. I bet that doesn't help. Eventually they would have had to find another solution because she will be back at work,then what? They were scum for what they did writing a twisted tale on social media. You've done more than enough for them for long enough. Now for all the little flying monkeys who are giving you such a hard time about not continuing to sit for their kids, if they have so much time to run their mouth and are so worried about the kids ,tell them to use that time to make space in their homes and babysit the kids as well. If not tell them to pound sand
"But we're family." Cool, you can replicate for me exactly what I've done for you because I'm going back to work now. Byeeee.
The mental gymnastics of "you're an a**e for asking for moneyn(even though the amount you asked for literally just covers the food and whatnot that you are supplying), but also your brother is in a**e for not offering you money for food and whatnot" like, wtf?? I honestly don't know if people are just f*****g idiots these days, or if everyone is just so afraid of offending people (or being down voted) that they tie themselves in knots trying to be equitable. JfC.
They should have been paying her from the start! She should not have to ask for it!
Social media works both ways. If your complaint is those childish losers are throwing a public tantrum... out them, in full, relentless, brutal ways on your and their socials. Then let them know this is the end of your friendship and to kindly never. ever. contact you again. Because youve got no time for childish two faced lying victim complex manipulative ungrateful garbage. Scorched earth.
Bored Panda should be remaned as Depressing Panda. Down voting this content as it's another of the many negative content on Bored Panda, which is far from what their mission states, "The mission is to spread good news and highlight top artists from around the world." Case in point is this post and many more which are about deception, personal problems, grudges arguments, cheating, divorce, getting back at others. In general it's becoming increasingly negative. SAD
AT LEAST I NOW KNOW THAT MY TRASH BROTHER IS NOT THE ONLY PIECE OF S**T OUT THERE! I HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM SINCE HE RIPPED ME OFF FOR ABOUT $3000 20 YEARS AGO AND IF HE COMES NEAR ME OR MINE I WILL HAVE HIM ARRESTED. WE CAN'T HELP WHOSE SNATCH PEOPLE CAME FROM-WE DO NOT HAVE TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM AND WE DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE BEING THEIR VICTIMS! IF YOU LET SOMEONE-ANYONE MISTREAT YOU, THEN YOU MUCH OBVIOUSLY LIKE IT THAT WAY! I DID NOT AND EVERY SINGLE RELATIVE KNOWS IT. FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD, HE HAS ALL-BUT BEGGED PEOPLE TO ALLOW HIM TO TALK TO ME. HELL NO! HE CAN TAKE HIS CRIMES TO HIS GRAVE AND INTO HIS AFTERLIFE TO CARRY FOR ETERNITY. I HAVE NO FORGIVENESS FOR HIM. YOU MIGHT TRY ADOPTING MY PHYLOSOPHY, IT HAS WORKED AMAZINGLY WELL FOR ME!
Dude what? How did this become about you? Also. why are you shouting?
Load More Replies...The last two comments on the first page are ridiculous, she has to go back to work at some point anyway, she has an eight month old baby and two other children and she's not being paid anything though providing 40 hours of two extra children with no supplies. They're taking the p**s! She really needed to spend time with her own children but added two extra full time. She also only wanted a fraction of what they'd have paid at daycare. They're also lied and haven't even bothered to get their kids into another daycare. SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO WORK AT SOME POINT anyway. Can't believe anyone would think this woman was wrong. Their reaction to being asked to PROVIDE for them is disgusting and have burnt their bridges because of name calling over a reasonable amount. As for the rest of the family, they need to offer to do this or shut up! I'll lay money on it that there's no way most people would look after two kids when they have three kids and for free full time. Fools for their reaction !
Plus the only reason OP was still at home is because she had birth complications. She wasn't physically well enough to be back at work yet her brother and sister in law took advantage 100%. They are the biggest a.r.s.e.h.o.l.e.s I've read about on here for some time.
Load More Replies...As usual, YTA comments from entitled a******s like OP's brother. She is so NTA.
Maybe I just haven't been reading them, but the AITA posts for a few weeks now have been pretty cut & dry.
Load More Replies...As soon as someone says 'But we're family' to make you do something you're not prepared to do you know TA is not you. The family-argument only works one way, you see, and it's always to the detriment of the party NOT using it. Family can be a powerful thing, but there is a vast difference between, 'Of course, we're family, you know' and 'But we're family!'. OP is not anywhere near wrong.
Whenever someone says you have to do this because we’re family, that usually means they know they’re in the wrong and they know they’re taking advantage of you. Just because you’re “family” doesn’t mean you have to be their doormat.
If anything, you should treat somebody better because theyre family, not worse. How many sisters does that ah have that hes willing to lose one so easily?
Load More Replies...So paying $100 to "family" for watching two, young children five days a week is "outrageous"!? What was it costing them for the daycare provider? And wouldn't they have already been paying that if you HAD went back to work like he mentioned. We get to pick our friends, unfortunately, we don't get to pick our family and that IS unfortunate sometimes.
Nope, only people SH are the brother and his wife. They refuse to get daycare, refuse to cover their own kids and then blow it up on social media. I really like what Catlore said about how to respond online.
So because "we're family" I'm suppose to watch your kids for free and then let you call me "lazy"? Yea, right. #getbent
Sorry, but 2 months is a long time to be asked to watch someone's kids. It really shouldn't take more than 2 weeks to find an alternative. It's perfectly reasonable not to ask for money in this situation for a couple of weeks. But after two months, you damn well better start paying. Being family will only extend you so far. And the moment you become an unnecessary burden, the obligation ends. And now that they behavior has become so insanely out of line and they've doubled down by airing it all in public, they can take a flying leap at this point along with anyone defending them without bothering to hear your side.
My sister had to find emergency daycare for my niece and nephew because the owner of the private daycare she originally used was a bìtch. KinderCare took care of the problem in a pinch, deposit not withstanding. In an emergency, it's entirely possible.
Load More Replies...Of course - out came the "but family " guilt trip cards. Ppl love pulling those when they have no other way to defend their action. God I hate when ppl do that. It irritates the p**s out of me! It also has the opposite result than desired because I know they are 100%in the wrong. These ppl were taking advantage of you. They had no intention of paying for child care because they had a sweet deal with "family ". They were told that she wasn't going to be a permanent child care center for those kids.This was temporary. On top of that everything that she does for their kids is out of her pocket and life is pretty expensive at the present time. On top of that, she's home after having a child with serious medical complications. I bet that doesn't help. Eventually they would have had to find another solution because she will be back at work,then what? They were scum for what they did writing a twisted tale on social media. You've done more than enough for them for long enough. Now for all the little flying monkeys who are giving you such a hard time about not continuing to sit for their kids, if they have so much time to run their mouth and are so worried about the kids ,tell them to use that time to make space in their homes and babysit the kids as well. If not tell them to pound sand
"But we're family." Cool, you can replicate for me exactly what I've done for you because I'm going back to work now. Byeeee.
The mental gymnastics of "you're an a**e for asking for moneyn(even though the amount you asked for literally just covers the food and whatnot that you are supplying), but also your brother is in a**e for not offering you money for food and whatnot" like, wtf?? I honestly don't know if people are just f*****g idiots these days, or if everyone is just so afraid of offending people (or being down voted) that they tie themselves in knots trying to be equitable. JfC.
They should have been paying her from the start! She should not have to ask for it!
Social media works both ways. If your complaint is those childish losers are throwing a public tantrum... out them, in full, relentless, brutal ways on your and their socials. Then let them know this is the end of your friendship and to kindly never. ever. contact you again. Because youve got no time for childish two faced lying victim complex manipulative ungrateful garbage. Scorched earth.
Bored Panda should be remaned as Depressing Panda. Down voting this content as it's another of the many negative content on Bored Panda, which is far from what their mission states, "The mission is to spread good news and highlight top artists from around the world." Case in point is this post and many more which are about deception, personal problems, grudges arguments, cheating, divorce, getting back at others. In general it's becoming increasingly negative. SAD
AT LEAST I NOW KNOW THAT MY TRASH BROTHER IS NOT THE ONLY PIECE OF S**T OUT THERE! I HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM SINCE HE RIPPED ME OFF FOR ABOUT $3000 20 YEARS AGO AND IF HE COMES NEAR ME OR MINE I WILL HAVE HIM ARRESTED. WE CAN'T HELP WHOSE SNATCH PEOPLE CAME FROM-WE DO NOT HAVE TO ASSOCIATE WITH THEM AND WE DO NOT HAVE TO TOLERATE BEING THEIR VICTIMS! IF YOU LET SOMEONE-ANYONE MISTREAT YOU, THEN YOU MUCH OBVIOUSLY LIKE IT THAT WAY! I DID NOT AND EVERY SINGLE RELATIVE KNOWS IT. FROM WHAT I HAVE HEARD, HE HAS ALL-BUT BEGGED PEOPLE TO ALLOW HIM TO TALK TO ME. HELL NO! HE CAN TAKE HIS CRIMES TO HIS GRAVE AND INTO HIS AFTERLIFE TO CARRY FOR ETERNITY. I HAVE NO FORGIVENESS FOR HIM. YOU MIGHT TRY ADOPTING MY PHYLOSOPHY, IT HAS WORKED AMAZINGLY WELL FOR ME!
Dude what? How did this become about you? Also. why are you shouting?
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