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30 People Who Have Been In A Committed Long-Term Relationship Shared What Ended It
Keeping your romantic relationship strong and healthy requires a lot of work. If you don’t put in the effort, consistently, you might end up losing your partner. But even then, a break-up can come as a shock after so many years spent together.
Inspired by a candid question from user u/photo_inbloom, the members of the r/AskReddit community opened up about the reasons why their longest-lasting relationships fell apart. Scroll down for their open and honest stories about why couples don’t always get their happily ever after.
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#1
12 years. Recently broke up and I'm so glad I finally got the courage to stick to my guns and end it. It has really put me off dating though. He was horribly abusive and really aggressive and rough in the bedroom. Got worse as time went on. It's either me and my cats like a complete stereotype or an asexual guy if I can find one. I have my little apartment and a decent job and am enjoying life for the first time in quite a while.
StrangeOne 5 months ago
That is exactly where I'm at right now after having a very sexually abusive relationship.
RELATED:
#2
3 years. He passed away from cancer. We technically never broke up but it's hard being in a relationship with someone who's gone. I will always love him though and carry him with me even though our time together was short. Had things been different we would be life partners .
Manana Man 5 months ago (edited)
So sorry for your loss. Be sure to grieve as long as you need to, but also, be sure to let yourself be happy again when you're ready.
#3
On and off for ten years. I started to feel like he was not on my team but was just cheering me on. Never came to look at houses with me before I bought one for us to live in, never had an interest in vacations, didn't have a savings account, didn't pay his bills. Loved him, trusted him, had the most fun in his presence but ultimately I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't be the only adult. It was hard.
Brides magazine notes that based on data collected in 2022, the average American man who gets married is 30.1 years old, while women are around 28.2 years old. This is a very different cultural and social dynamic compared to half a century ago. In 1970, the typical man got married when they were 23.2 years old. For women, it was 20.8 years of age.
"Many couples are both working and building their careers and are choosing to postpone weddings due to the time and effort involved," marriage and family therapist Rebecca Hendrix, from New York, told Brides.
#4
20 years, she cheated and we got divorced and life’s been good for me since. Met a new love and life truly is grand.
#5
High school sweethearts, we broke up 1 month before 10 year anniversary.
We grew apart, our connection was disguised as love, but it was the type of love you have for a family member. It wasn't romantic anymore, and we were holding each other back from growing into who we both were supposed to be.
Met my now husband very soon after, and ex is engaged to the girl I assume he was emotionally cheating on me with, as I suspected their connection for a while.
Honestly, it worked out amazing for both of us, like instantly life changing in the best way.
Never ever stay in a dead relationship, you are missing out on the beauty of love.
#6
10 years. When we met, we were both kind of a mess, but over that 10 years, I did a lot of work on myself and made a lot of progress towards being the sort of person I'd like to be. He spent the 10 years doing absolutely nothing. So we were no longer compatible.
These days, couples generally date for two to five years before popping the big question and getting engaged. Then, it takes around a year to a year and a half before they actually get married.
According to Hendrix, as well as a Pew Research study, most couples who live together do so with the intent to get married. For them, cohabitation is a big step toward tying the knot. Meanwhile, some couples have lived together for so long that they consider themselves unofficially married. For them, having a wedding often happens only if they decide to have kids.
#7
Four and some years. I wasn't a very good boyfriend - communcation and all. She eventually just fell out of love. I miss her with all my heart, but she's better off without me. I hear she's doing very well, and well, my mental health has never recovered. Basically ruined myself. But I know how to be better... now.
#8
3 years. That was 3 years ago I broke up with my ex. I was definitely immature. Took the relationship for granted. Got too used to the comfort and barely tried. Now I know how important it is to keep trying and showing affection. I know its a two way street but I think its mainly a me thing. I could have done more.
I love it here 5 months ago
Blatant honestly truly appreciated. As a woman we never or rarely hear these things
#9
11 years (I was 18 when I got with him). All sorts of stuff to do with emotional abuse, manipulation, uncontrollable ego etc. Its a fresh break up so I’m still processing. But my eyes have opened to a lot of things and I am SO glad I am free.
Meanwhile, Marriage.com notes that the average length of a relationship before marriage in the US depends on a person’s age, cultural background, as well as individual preferences.
How long any romantic relationship will last will depend on the couple’s ability to communicate with each other, how much mutual trust and respect there is, how they resolve conflicts, and whether they have values in common. To put it simply, honesty, openness, and respect give couples a better chance than secrecy and selfishness.
#10
About three years and we broke up because although I cared for her, I didn't want to marry her.
You didn't ask but I hope she found a good guy and is married, treated well and with the love she was looking for.
#11
Almost 5 years. Broke up with her last week due to her not addressing alcoholism and my codependent habits. We live together and are both walking on eggshells while we separately plan next steps.
#12
18 years, and then she passed from brain cancer in February.
Edit to add... At 41.
According to Love to Know, teenagers typically only date for a few months, as they’re still finding themselves, but young adults in their 20s get into relationships that last two to four years.
Generally, the more support couples get from their social networks, the more likely their relationships are to prosper and last longer.
But broadly speaking, the length of a relationship also has to do with a person’s character, circumstances, and goals, not just their age. We probably all know couples who are still going strong after getting together still in school, as well as older individuals who hop from relationship to relationship without ever truly settling down.
#13
Almost 4 years! He led me to believe we'd be getting married when, in actuality, he had changed his mind 1 year in. He would change my last name to his on his phone, we planned out what food we'd serve, the music we'd play, color schemes, the works! Then one day I confronted him after I had a really bad gut feeling that something was just wrong/bad, and the truth came out. I don't know why he kept me around for so long or why he wouldn't tell me. I never got closure from him, nor will I ever, which is fine. He didn't show any emotion when I broke things off until I told him he and I couldn't be friends, nor have any contact - then that's when he got sad for a second. He played a lot of my past traumas against me, I regret not leaving sooner when he did and said some pretty awful things - but I'm happy I did when I finally did. I guess I was comfortable wearing the rose-colored glasses then but when they broke, oh god, did they break and show me the true colors!! Everything happened pretty smoothly with the transition out of his life/house despite the hurt and confusion.
Fast forward to now - I'm in a healthy relationship with someone who has true intentions of marrying me and starting a family. I'm pretty darn happy!
#14
7 years! She said she needed a time for herself. A month later she was already living with another man.
#15
16 years. Covid isolation and a major uptick in mental illness ( theirs, not mine) caused the break up. I moved away in September 2020 to Kansas City, started over and met my current wife and the love of my life almost exactly a year later.
I_imagine_even_worse_w***s 5 months ago
Covid messed with a lot of relationships, some of which would still be happily together if not for the pandemic. I love in the countryside but I don't think I'd have managed to be cooped up with ANYONE in a small apartment during lockdown!
Out of all of your failed relationships, which ones lasted the longest, dear Pandas? Why did they fall apart? Do you think there was anything that could’ve helped salvage everything?
On the flip side, if you’re still with your partner and everything’s going strong, what do you do to keep the relationship healthy? What advice would you give new couples who are completely new to dating? Share your thoughts in the comments.
#16
23 years. I came home to find a note on my desk that said "we need to talk"
She asked for a divorce. There was no cheating on either part. I had shut down, and she was tired of living with a ghost.
Within a few months, I was in a new town, living on my own for the first time in my life. Still trying to figure out how to start over, or wondering if it's even worth trying to start over.
#17
4 years. He ghosted me then came back around a year or so later saying he had ghosted because he had lost his job & felt bad.
#18
5 years. Apparently he had issues with me he didn’t want to discuss or work on. Im still trying to get past the anger of it all.
#19
2 years. Honestly everything you could imagine, I was Just too inexperienced and mentally unwell to know better.
He couldn’t and wouldn’t save money and asked me for mine. Was a slob and wouldn’t help clean. Had me buy him a dog he doesn’t take care of at all. Would be mean to my cats. Sexted other people online. Called me a b***h in public and at work no less. Would be “too stressed” to do finances or his Job. Played video games 24/7 and would hit things and yell when he lost the game. Screams at the mom that literally does everything for him. Not a romantic bone in his body. Would get angry and feel emasculated because I was the breadwinner, the handyman, the responsible one, and the smart one but didn’t do anything to change that. Wouldn’t try anything new or ever leave the house unless forced. Yelled at my friend till they cried. Said he would kill himself if I broke up with him. The list is freaking endless.
#20
Before my husband, it was 6 years. We brought out the literal worst version of each other, and were in an off and on again cycle. Best to find people who uplift each other and are stable.
#21
3 years she played videogames w her ex and texted everyday.
Ouss Ben Aziza 5 months ago
Hmm i could be seen as the ex bf in this position. and no i will not consider that cheating because a mutual breakup happened. It is not necessarily bad. Now if she kept it hidden that is something else.
#22
2 years, we both just agreed that things weren’t going great and ended up as friends lol.
#23
Just under 25 years.
I "broke up" with her because she cheated so I divorced her and quickly too.
Sandra Morison 5 months ago
Similar story, 30 years married, together 35 he cheated, took me 2 years together over him but moved away and now have lovely house, career, amazing social life and a newish partner of 20 months
#24
2 years, and we broke up due to me getting a job over in Chicago. It was an opportunity for me, and I wanted to take it so she understood. I miss her like crazy.
#25
5 years. I broke up with him last year because he has bipolar and I never felt that it was managed as well as it could be. Things were really good sometimes, but when they were bad, they were really bad. Like him self-harming right in front of me during fights. Or even when we weren’t fighting, he’d blow a fuse over small things like if he couldn’t get into an account and had to reset the password. When I broke up with him, he spiraled and would cycle between yelling and crying and moving my stuff out of the house we owned together. After I left, he tried to [end] himself.
Jay Scales 5 months ago
Living with someone with serious mental illness is not for the fainthearted. You know it's not their fault & you try to be supportive & forgiving... But it can suck you dry.
#26
Little over a year. I treated her like a piece of meat and ended up cheating on her.
Definitely will be the first and the last time I ever do that. Woke up that morning and haven't stopped feeling like s**t since. Working on it...
#27
9 months. He was stringing me along and didn't have the guts to tell me his feelings had changed and that he didn't want to be with me because it would upset me.
#28
4 painful years. He was a d**g addict, narcissistic, alcoholic, a liar, a cheater and abusive in every way you can abuse a person.
Loni Peppers 5 months ago (edited)
Been there. I'm not sure why I stayed that long and im really not sure what the final straw was but I am so grateful to be out. I'm glad you are out of yours.
#29
3 years. We had just celebrated our anniversary and she decided to break up over a discord message because I wouldn't move in with her. I was sick for most of our relationship and just started to get well enough to work again.
Lauren Hilligas 5 months ago
This definitely is not the whole story here. I get the feeling OP is leaving a lot out.
#30
Six years. She was 14 years older than me. She got promoted and moved to a city five hours away. We discussed getting married but I didn't want to leave my job. Sometimes I wonder what she's doing, if she's alive and if she ever thinks about me.
What do you think ?
Amber F 5 months ago
Mine was 19 years. Told me he loved me after 4 days. He separated me from my family and friends. We had a kid together. I was the breadwinner while he barely worked. He spent my money behind my back. I worked 2 jobs to support us while he barely worked. He was very controlling. I did break up with him for a few months but he weaseled his way back in. He held a grudge against me for the next 14 years I was with him. Mental abuse on both me and our kid. Got pregnant in 2020. Knew I could not bring another child into this world with him seeing the damage that he had already done to our first kid. Had abortion but told him that it wasn't the right time and we had no room in our house. Which were also very true, but not the real reason. He wanted to know every person that I told about it. I got severely depressed. I went into counseling to cope with the ending of the pregnancy. I had 2 different counselors. The second one got me to leave him last year. Now with a really great guy!
35 cabbages in a trenchcoat 5 months ago
Oof, that's hard. Please don't feel the need to get back with a guy though. Take a break, you seriously need it. Needing to be with a partner is a problem.
Load More Replies...
Michael Largey 5 months ago (edited)
Mine was three years or twenty-one years, depending how you look at it. After my college girlfriend of three years dumped me twice before, she dumped me for a third and final time. Yet she kept writing me for the next eighteen years, despite acquiring a husband and four children, always saying that I had no reason to be upset with her. I never answered or acknowledged any of the letters until the last one, which was so morally blind that I needed to do something to stop her letters coming. My reply explained very specifically and clearly why she should STFU. The letter wrote itself - no second draft or revisions needed. That was thirty-three years ago, and I haven't heard from her since.
Thanos'Fingers 5 months ago
Is breaking up with you the reason you have to be upset with her?
Load More Replies...
Carolyn Jones 5 months ago
Not me, but a friend from high school. Two and a half years. This boy. He would have up to five girls at a time, but said it was okay because he told all of them. I still don't know how anyone put up with him, even as a friend. No personality, failing every class, thought he was sooo cool, would go through their phones to make sure they didn't have any other guys. She ended up breaking up with him because he cheated off her on math tests for half a school year without her knowing.
Amber F 5 months ago
Mine was 19 years. Told me he loved me after 4 days. He separated me from my family and friends. We had a kid together. I was the breadwinner while he barely worked. He spent my money behind my back. I worked 2 jobs to support us while he barely worked. He was very controlling. I did break up with him for a few months but he weaseled his way back in. He held a grudge against me for the next 14 years I was with him. Mental abuse on both me and our kid. Got pregnant in 2020. Knew I could not bring another child into this world with him seeing the damage that he had already done to our first kid. Had abortion but told him that it wasn't the right time and we had no room in our house. Which were also very true, but not the real reason. He wanted to know every person that I told about it. I got severely depressed. I went into counseling to cope with the ending of the pregnancy. I had 2 different counselors. The second one got me to leave him last year. Now with a really great guy!
35 cabbages in a trenchcoat 5 months ago
Oof, that's hard. Please don't feel the need to get back with a guy though. Take a break, you seriously need it. Needing to be with a partner is a problem.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 5 months ago (edited)
Mine was three years or twenty-one years, depending how you look at it. After my college girlfriend of three years dumped me twice before, she dumped me for a third and final time. Yet she kept writing me for the next eighteen years, despite acquiring a husband and four children, always saying that I had no reason to be upset with her. I never answered or acknowledged any of the letters until the last one, which was so morally blind that I needed to do something to stop her letters coming. My reply explained very specifically and clearly why she should STFU. The letter wrote itself - no second draft or revisions needed. That was thirty-three years ago, and I haven't heard from her since.
Thanos'Fingers 5 months ago
Is breaking up with you the reason you have to be upset with her?
Load More Replies... Carolyn Jones 5 months ago
Not me, but a friend from high school. Two and a half years. This boy. He would have up to five girls at a time, but said it was okay because he told all of them. I still don't know how anyone put up with him, even as a friend. No personality, failing every class, thought he was sooo cool, would go through their phones to make sure they didn't have any other guys. She ended up breaking up with him because he cheated off her on math tests for half a school year without her knowing.
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