"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." – Homer Simpson

"Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?" – Lisa Simpson 

"I'm proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people knew about before you." – Lisa Simpson 

"Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening." - Homer Simpson

"Dad, women won't like being shot in the face." – Lisa Simpson

"Spend less time on your back and more time on your knees." – Ned Flanders

"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece." – Lisa Simpson 

"I learned that beneath my goody two-shoes lies some very dark socks." – Lisa Simpson 

"I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn’t." – Marge Simpson 

"It takes two to lie; one to lie, and one to listen." – Homer Simpson

"Aw, 20 dollars? I wanted a peanut!" – Homer Simpson

"I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try." – Bart Simpson 

"They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people." – Lisa Simpson 

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." – Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel." – Homer Simpson 

"Oh God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them..." – Homer Simpson

"You're going to stay your current ages for the rest of your lives." – Marge Simpson

"Bart! Stop pestering Satan." – Marge Simpson

"If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it." – Bart Simpson 

"Oh! My ovaries!" – Bart Simpson

"Call me Delta Airlines, because I can't handle all your extra baggage." – Ned Flanders

"Spread the word: peace and chicken." – Homer Simpson

"Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse." – Ned Flanders

"I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!" – Ned Flanders

"Now what can I ding dong diddly do for you?" – Ned Flanders

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!" – Homer Simpson

"Well I can't say for sure, but as a Christian, I assume the worst." – Ned Flanders

"Marge, you're my wife of ten years and I love you, but I must observe the teachings of this man I just met tonight." – Homer Simpson

"No no honey, I love everything you force me to do." – Homer Simpson

"You know the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else justice will be done!" – Marge Simpson

"Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia." – Bart Simpson

"If you take away our cartoons, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots."  – Lisa Simpson 

"Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic." – Lisa Simpson

"Don't you see? Getting what you want all time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless." – Lisa Simpson

"Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore." – Lisa Simpson

"But it's not on the calendar? Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow I get to tell everyone why." – Homer Simpson

"Marge I believe you're forgetting America's greatest wartime wheelchair-bound leader, Professor X of the X-Men." – Homer Simpson

"Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don’t understand it. Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be devils." – Marge Simpson 

"Only three cavities, Bart, your best checkup ever! I'm going to make you my specialty, butterscotch chicken." – Marge Simpson

"These are Homer's friends and family. They don't want him dead. They just want him to suffer." – Marge Simpson 

"She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside." – Bart Simpson

"Hey, cool, I'm dead." – Bart Simpson 

"That's not fair! I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty Home Pregnancy test!" – Bart Simpson 

"I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions." – Bart Simpson

"Stupid bus that can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go." – Lisa Simpson 

"I have so many questions for you. First of all, is this floor reinforced?" – Homer Simpson

"Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and 'Sweatin’ to the Oldies,' volumes one, two and four." – Ned Flanders

"Lord help me, I’m just not that bright." – Homer Simpson

"Does it make you feel superior to tear down people's dreams?" – Lisa Simpson 

"Between your genius and my nothing we make a great team, come on give me a hug!" – Homer Simpson

"If anyone asks you something you don't understand, just say protons." – Homer Simpson

"If you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me what you're up to..." – Homer Simpson 

"This family has had its differences and we’ve squabbled, but we’ve never had knife fights before. And I blame this house." – Marge Simpson 

"Maybe we should spend more time with Bart. He’s becoming isolated and weird." – Marge Simpson

"So much for the days when I could say, 'At least my mother's normal'." – Bart Simpson

"They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!" – Lisa Simpson

"Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting." – Lisa Simpson

"There are some things we don’t want to know. Important things." – Ned Flanders

"Homer Simpson, I show you pity, and how do you repay me? With a kick in the kididdlehopper!" – Ned Flanders

"Now I know you've had a few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk." – Ned Flanders

"Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen." – Ned Flanders

"Look Moe the least you can let me do is anything I want." – Homer Simpson

"Today he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow he could be smoking." – Marge Simpson 

"If you raised three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger you must be doing something right." – Marge Simpson 

"Bart! You’re no longer in Sunday School. Don’t swear." – Marge Simpson 

"Everything changes when you get to big one-o. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good anymore." – Bart Simpson

"All the years I've wanted to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face." – Lisa Simpson

"Homer, did you just buckle your belt through my loop?" – Ned Flanders

"I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think there’s a little al-key-hol in this punch." – Marge Simpson